John Brogden resigned from Parliament yesterday. And I thought it was the policy of the Liberal Party not to 'cut and run'



......




We'll be right back.

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

I'm currently doing a public relations subject for uni, and as part of the subject we get into groups and design a Public Relations strategy for a real-life company. My group drew the long straw and got to work with Virgin Mobile, while other groups got stuck with dodgy local construction companies and law firms

Suckers

Anyway, I make this post to discuss the sensitive issue of midget rights

You see, we are designing a Christmas campaign for Virgin, and part of this campaign involves some promo people handing out flyers at shopping centres touting our top secret new Virgin product. Now when you think Christmas, you think elves. You think Santa's little helpers.

You think midgets.

Now, I wanted midgets for this part of the campaign. But members of my group don't think it's 'ethical' to 'exploit' midgets for such a purpose. Even if they're getting paid to do it. I don't think it's any different from a television show casting an old person, or an Aboriginal person, or a woman for a certain role. I'm sure there are midgets who make a good living out of being elves, so who are we to deprive them of theoretical money from our theoretical campaign?

I would like to hear your thoughts - if you hire a midget to be one of Santa's little elves, are you exploiting them? Leave a comment. Normal rules apply - if you use your comment to bag out Tommy be sure to make it anonymous because you're a fucking pansy.


A midget being Uncle-Slammed

Things Tommy Isn't Good At #40201-40206

#40201 - Tennis
#40202 - That god damn mission in Grand Theft Auto Vice City where you have to drop the bombs in the tiny little helicopter
#40203 - Fake laughs
#40204 - Abortions
#40205 - Creating abstract lists of things he isn't good at without relying on an abortion joke
#40206 - TIPPING NRL FINALS

Tigers vs Cowboys in the GRAND FINAL? What kind of devilry is this

From now on I'm only tipping things I know the results of, like professional wrestling, federal elections and fights between lions and blind children

If you walk past my Subway shop at 5:30pm

When I'm standing at the cash register counting money

When the massive glowing sign that says SUBWAY is turned off

When you can see a mop in the background

When the bread holder is closed

When the massive glass case where we keep the meats and salads is completely and utterly empty and covered in cleaning products


DON'T ASK ME IF "SUBWAY IS STILL OPEN?"


Love,

Tommy

I wasn't going to talk about the Latham Diaries on my blog, mainly because I'd already done a piss-take of them a few months ago, but also because I couldn't really think of anything to say about them. I'm halfway through the diaries, I saw his interviews on Enough Rope and Lateline, and I just don't get what the fuss is about. I don't get why people are surprised that Mark Latham trashed his party, that he uses crude language, that he insults his allies in the party and his enemies in Parliament and the news media. I don't get how Latham has trashed Labor's reputation, I don't get how he's vindicated those who voted against him and I really don't get why he's being called a whorebag and a nutbar and being diagnosed with diseases ranging from bi-polar disorder to depression.

Just what exactly did people think the personal diaries of the leader of the Opposition in a losing campaign would contain? Glowing praise for Kim Beazley, the man who gutted Latham's education policy before the 1998 election and whose small target strategy and lack of vision cost Labor the 2001 election? Pats on the head for Simon Crean, whose ineptitude as leader was leading Labor to a massacre before Latham was installed as leader? Thumbs up to the Tasmanian Labor Premier who put political interests ahead of his state and the Labor cause? A verbal blowjob to the media who swallowed the Liberal's campaign propaganda and who threatened to publically humiliate Latham by running stories on a bucks night video that didn't even EXIST?


The Glorious Leader

Latham has been portrayed in the media as the sole reason Labor lost the 2004 election. The press gallery say Australia wasn't ready to trust such a 'loose cannon' with the Lodge, that Latham was too 'unpredictable', that he was 'immature'.

Let's think about this for a moment. Australia knew about Latham breaking a taxi driver's arm, they knew about the... colourful names he'd given to the Liberal Party and to the leader of the Free World ('conga line of suckholes', 'dangerous and irresponsible'), yet he was STILL polling with a 66% approval rating in the months after he was elected leader. EVERY criticism of Latham's supposed personality flaws was public record and yet he was STILL the most popular Opposition leader since Bob Hawke.

Did Australia suddenly realise Latham was a dangerous taxi-driver arm-breaking swearing nutbar from January of 2004 to the election in October?

Or maybe, just maybe, did the fact that the Labor Party run the most inept campaign since their inept campaign in 2001 have something to do with it? Rather than blaming Latham's personality faults, maybe it had more to do with Labor not countering the Government's 'LABOR WILL RAISE INTEREST RATES TO 400%' ads for the entire length of the campaign? Or maybe it was Labor wasting time attacking Peter Costello on television, while 'L-Plate Latham' ads ran unopposed?

At the start of the campaign, Labor had a 4% lead in most polls. Latham's satisfaction rating was at a comfortable level. If you believe the stuff written about the election since then, in five weeks of an election campaign, Mark Latham went from the alternative Prime Minister to an idiotic renegade loose cannon who nobody in their right mind would trust to run the country. And that of course, was entirely his fault.

(Even though nobody cared about those same fatal personality flaws at the start of the year, when he had some of the highest approval ratings for an Opposition Leader in history, or at the start of the campaign, when Labor was polling four points higher than the Government.)

They say history is written by the winners, and that has never been truer than in the case of Mark Latham. Latham is being attacked for publishing his diaries because his version of the truth conflicts with that of the establishment. Simple as that.

Well it's VOTING DAY in Afghanistan today, with their very first provincial and national assembly elections. Over twelve million Afghanis will vote for the Parliament to serve alongside President Hamid Karzai in a sign that there is actual hope for the troubled nation. And because everybody comes here for analysis of elections in Middle Eastern countries, here's my guide to the Afghanistan elections I'm going to call:


HOLY SHIT IT'S A FUCKING BOMB!@
Tommy's Guide To The Afghanistan Elections


The Parties
There are three major parties in Afghanistan, the left-leaning People's For A Democratic Afghanistan (the PDA), centre-right Warlords For Change (the WFC) and the Five-Day Weekend Party. The oppressive former rulers of Afghanistan, the Taliban, are the wildcard in the elections, having threatened on numerous ocassions to return Afghanistan to their totalitarian regime through the threat of violence, blackmail and lower interest rates.

The Process
Afghanistans do not vote by ticking boxes or punching cards like their Western counterparts, but instead vote through the major means of telecommunications in the predominantly Muslim country - beating up their wives. One bruise on their wife's face means a vote for the PDA, two means one for the WFC, and internal bleeding means a donkey vote. If the wife is killed in this process, the voter is fined and a new voting wife is issued.

The Candidates


Qari Hadi Alazi, pictured above, is the leader of the PDA. Extremely popular due to his success in the 2003 Afghanistan Beard Combing Championships, Alazi is sure to win a seat in the Afghan Parliament. Is running on a platform of higher beard lengths and more funding for dentists.


Abdul Rassay-ef Bilal, pictured above left, is the youngest candidate in the Afghan elections. Some say his lack of experience will work against him, while others say his clean record will work in his favour. Is running on a platform of gun control.


Muhammed Kazan el-Jayaa, pictured above, is the celebrity candidate in the elections. As the host of Afghanistan television show 'Who Wants To Not Be Killed By A Bomb', and the owner of the only television in Afghanistan (pictured), this zany character is a household name. Running on a platform of oversized green pockets.


Goat-el Bin el-Bayzal Goat, pictured above, is one of the most prominet politicians in Afghanistan. His impassioned speeches and charisma are second to none. His perfomance in televised debates, where he began eating Alazi's shoe, was a landmark moment of the elections. Running on a platform of recycled jokes.



So there you have it folks, hopefully it will help you all make the right decision (which is fleeing the sandy hellhole that is Afghanistan).

You know those warnings before a television show, where it will tell you the show's classification (G, PG, M, MA etc)? Well there must have been some new legislation or something, because they seem to be including EVERYTHING these days. On theComedyChannel on Foxtel, if a program is rated M they include every single thing it could possibly have (course language, drug use, nudity, sexual references, violence) so they don't have to record seperate ones for each show.

And I was watching Channel Seven late the other night, and it's just gotten beyond a joke. Luckily I recorded it. Take a listen, be careful though because it gets quite rude.

If that doesn't work download it from here.

And if that doesn't work kill yourself

As you know I am a Sandwich Artist at Subway. And as you know, after your Sandwich Artist is finishing making your Sub/Wrap/Poo Sammitch they will go 'Any drinks or cookies?' to try and get you to spend more money


Now I always had a problem saying it. Because when I say 'drinks or cookies', the 'k' in 'drink'' carries over to the next word, so I'm effectively saying 'any drinkorhcockehs'?'. And when you're the fuckin' king of Sandwich Artists like me, a small error like this really stands out. I mean, what's the point of making the greatest sandwich ever if you can't say 'drinks or cookies' without sounding like a deaf person? And I'd try and I'd try but I could never really master these words

Until today.

Yes, after two years of working at Subway, I finally figured out that if I reverse the order and say 'cookies or drinks' instead of 'drinks or cookies', I don't create a verbal abortion

And so you get the point of this post, let me repeat:

IT TOOK ME TWO YEARS TO REALISE THAT


Don't ever let Tommy call you dumb

Those damn Melbournians have done it again...

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - A videotape televised on Sunday purportedly from a U.S.-member of al Qaeda threatened Los Angeles and Melbourne, Australia, on the fourth anniversary of the Sept. 11 attacks.

ABC News said it had received the video in Pakistan. It reported the masked speaker appears to be Adam Gadahn, from southern California, who threatens attacks on the two cities, "Allah willing," and warns that the attackers will show no compassion.

"Yesterday, London and Madrid. Tomorrow, Los Angeles and Melbourne," he said.

"We love peace, but peace on our terms," the speaker said.

From Reuters

Ok, it's bad enough you gave us Peter Costello. It's bad enough you're stealing Game 2 of the State of Origin series next year. You're even trying to copy our 2000 Olympics with this 'Commonwealth Games 2006' crap.

But now you want to steal OUR terrorist attacks?!

What's your fuckin problem Melbourne

huh

huh

You want a piece of this cause we'll go all up in your hizzouse. You think Steve Bracks can save you from the terrorists huh, cause he can't

Who's cock have you been sucking at Al Qaeda to get this special attention? Huh? It's not like the first city you think of after Los Angeles, the entertainment and smut capital of the world, is MELBOURNE HOME OF THE TRAM

"Muhammed, we must strike Melbourne."
"Why brother?"
"Because they have the tram."

THESE THREATENED ATTACKS BELONG IN SYDNEY ALRIGHT

WE'VE WORKED VERY HARD SO WE CAN GET BLOWN UP AT PEAK HOUR ONE DAY

MAYBE ONCE OUR TRANSPORTATION SYSTEM HAS BEEN DEBILITATED WITH A CO-ORDINATED STRIKE, THEN YOU CAN HAVE A GO, BUT NOT BEFORE

FUCK MELBOURNE YOU'RE SUCH A LITTLE GIRL

I am a horrible person

Yesterday myself and my newly-engaged mate Cam were driving along Victoria Rd, past the Putt Putt Golf Course in West Ryde, when I saw a group of kids crossing the road. One of the kids was wearing a Metallica shirt, so I proceeded to give him the ROCK DEVILLL sign while sticking my tongue out and yelling METALLICCCAAAA


Then I realised he had Down Syndrome


And so did most of the other kids


And then to make my unintentional harassing of the Downies worse, when Cam asked how a Down Syndrome kid got a Metallica T-Shirt, I said (without thinking) "Oh he probably got it from the Salvation Army."


....


In related news if you need to contact me, email me at my new address tommy@hell.org

Tommy's Guide To The NRL FINALS!

Well folks the Top 8 in the National Rugby League has been decided, so what better time to guide you through finals football than now. The finals kick off tomorrow night and I know some of you aren't exactly up to speed about footy, so here is a short brief on all the teams.

1. Parramatta Eels


We start off with the Minor Premiers, the Parramatta Eels. Named after world famous South African golfer Ernie Eels, the Eels were founded sometime during the Depression and represent the island of Parramatta. Their captain, Nathan Kayless was rescued from the Gobi desert by Parramatta legend/explorer Peter "Fatty" Sterling. The Eels are many people's favourities to go all the way. They are not, however, many people's favourites to win the NRL Premiership.

2. St-George Illawarra Dragons


After continental drift merged the suburb of St George with the Illawarra region in 1999, the two clubs formed a joint-venture. The club made the grand final in their first year as a merged entity, disproving the notion that two wrongs don't make a right. The Dragons then lost the Grand Final, proving the notion that two wrongs don't make a right. With their captain Trent Bartlet and experienced forwards like Lance Chompson, the Dragons are many people's picks to win in 2005. The Dragons distinctive 'red V' playing strip is a homage to the glory days of St George, where the human players were replaced by the letter V.

3. Brisbane Broncos


Led by captain Daryl Lockyer, the Broncos were the Premiership front-runners for most of 2005. However, poor end-of-season form saw them slump to third place, while a poor end-of-season formal saw them get dressed in suits and dance. The Broncos are one of the most successful teams of the last two decades, with their last competition win coming in the year 2000. Head coach Wayne Bonetti is hoping to replicate the Bronco's 2000 season, leading many to question just exactly when he built a working time machine and if he could take them back to the year 1999 to warn Britney Spears she is going to get fat.

4. West Tigers


Another joint-venture club, the West Tigers were formed after the merger of 'We' and 'st Tigers'. This is the club's first finals berth since becoming a merged entity, having previously given berth via caesarean. With plenty of young guns like Benjimin Mashral and Scott Pounce, the West Tigers can either win the Premiership or be arrested for possession of lethal weapons without a permit. The sentimental favourite. Also the supplemental favourite, with supplementaries of 3 and 25. Lotto Strike numbers are 8, 36, 22 and 4.

5. North Queensland Cowboys


Named after the cocksucking shot of the same name, the North Queensland Cocksuc-Cowboys were only one game short of the Grand Final last year, and hope to go one further by being two games short of the Grand Final this year. With bustling forward 'Dr' Karl Webb suspended by the NRL Judiciary for possession of a boogy board bag full of marijuana, the Cowboys chances are about as slim as a Hurricane Katrina victim inside the Louisiana Superdome shitwaytoosoon i better delete that one before I post this

6. Melbourne Storm


Named after the shitty weather that plagues that shithole of a city, the Melbourne Storm are one of the most successful, and least popular clubs of the modern era. Storm crowds have increased upon last season's average however, when Bill finally convinced his wife to come to their Round 6 game against the Eels. Captain Robin Kearns is the oldest NRL captain at the age of 47, and the team hopes to send him out a winner by getting him traded to a team like the Dragons or Eels who actually have a chance of winning the Premiership.

7. Cronulla Sharks


After great early season form, the Sharks were once many people's tip to win the Premiership. These people being idiots. The Sharks have never won a first-grade Premiership in their decades of existence. The phone number for Shark's headquarters is 1800-101010, that being one eight hundred WON NOTHING WON NOTHING WON NOTHING. Captained by Brett SHITFUCKINGGODAMNWHYDDIDYOUTHROWTHATFUCKINGPASS Krimmorlay, the Sharks are just shit really.

8. Manly-Warringah Sea Eagles


AHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA




This concludes Tommy's Guide to the NRL Finals.


p.s go roosters

Tommy's Guide To Shitty Emo Whiny Bitches And Their Stupid Blogs Where They Can't Spell Words Properly

or How I Learned to Stop Cutting and Love the Bomb


The 'next blog' button at the top right is a comedy goldmine. Sometimes you just find blatant product placement, ugly Asian girls or in-depth discussion about geo-political events. But sometimes, sometimes you find a truly great blog. A blog so brilliant in its awfulness I cannot go another day without posting an in-depth piss-take of it (derived from the Italian 'piztake'). Ladies and gentlemen I present to you...

'my real thoughts'



Now, the first thing you'll notice when you visit this blog is the manga-style cartoon of an emo. You know he is an emo due to the scruffy black hair, black armband, black clothes and the numerous tattoos. All he needs is a 'New Found Glory' CD and he'd be perfect.



The second thing you'll notice is that this guy is a cutter, which might explain the third post down about how he just quit as leader of the NSW Liberal Party (way too soon - please don't read this joke for another three weeks). Phrases like 'some kind of knife carves my pain', 'tattoos define me, pain redefines me' and headings like 'carving' and 'bleeding' adorn the page, and are pretty much the only words spelt correctly.

Thirdly, please note his name is 'Razali Ali' (insert rose petal joke here), and he's only FIFTEEN. Maybe he's starting the cutting young so he can heal before he reaches an age where he realises his inane whining was completely insignificant?

Anyway, the blog mainly consists of him bitching about the pettiest stuff in the world in a language that could best be describe as a cross between English, Korean, SMS and the words a cat makes when it walks across a keyboard. Not even C3-PO could translate gems like 'well until i feel lyk usin my hp tt is'. He's going to lick HTTP?

The best bits of 'my real thoughts' (as opposed to his fake thoughts) come when he lives up to his tag and gets all emo. Look at this one from August 28th:

my life is a wreck

frankly.today suck.woke up ard 11.my father old me to clean the ceiling fan.so i did.everiting ceiling fan there was in the house was cleaned.by me.

OH NOES!@ CLEAN THE CEILING FAN?! THE ONLY WAY TO CURE THE PAIN IS TO CUT! UP THE STREAM NOT ACROSS THE RIVER PRONTO! THE BLOOD WILL CLEANSE THE DUST THAT LANDS ON MY SCARRED SKIN AFTER I CLEAN THE CEILING FAN!

Ali's feather duster

I love his short punchy sentences for effect too. 'everiting ceiling fan there was in the house was cleaned.'

*dramatic pause*

'by me.'

My other favourite post on his blog was his account of his meeting with his ex-girlfriend where she poured her heart out to him (he then poured his BLOOD OUT TO HER FROM THE RIVER OF PAIN THAT RAN THROUGH HIS WRISTS orsoi'massuming).

i can tell.argh fuck.i hate hurting ppl.id rather get hurt reali.pls.just let me noe wat to do god.seryesly.im lost.

Seryesly God, let him noe wat to do. Seryesly Ten.

But NOTHING can touch his most recent blog:

my toe is bleedin.stupid.hit it against the wall.my mom is goin out.so is my bro.n my father.everi1 is out.cept me.bgus.my sis just bought me a slippa.she called to ask wat colour i want.tanks.
sheesh.tis sucks.sumting is wrong all over again

Oh my god. He stubbed his toe. And then his family went OUT! AND HIS SISTER CALLED TO ASK HIM WHAT KIND OF SLIPPERS HE WANTS!!!

GET THE KNIVES OUT JIM WE'VE GOT A CODE BLUE




Is it possible to abort a kid when he's fifteen?

There is a show on Foxtel called The View, from ABC in America. Basically, it's a bunch of chicks of various ages and breast sizes sitting around a table gossiping and bitching about current affairs and the latest ways to protect your children from home invaders

Now I am not ashamed to admit I watch The View every now and then, mainly because of former Survivor mega-hotty Elisabeth Hassellbeck

Elisabeth Elisabeth she is really pretty, Elisabeth Elisabeth I'd like to see her t-

But I can't watch it anymore. I saw an episode yesterday from Friday in the States, and the show opened (as it should) with a sombre look at Hurricane Katrina, it's aftermath, and how the show's viewers could help out. A nice, noble way to start a television show I think. But then, this Joker-faced bitch comes out for her interview:

You ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?

Yes, Hilary Duff was the first guest on The View that day, there to plug her new album, when she came out with this gem. While tens of thousands of her own citizens were trapped inside the Superdome and the Convention Center, while thousands had perished at the hands of Hurricane Katrina, while the sick and the elderly died as they waited for help that was five days late, Hilary Duff bitches about how hard it is to buy a mobile phone. She even said, and I'm quoting the lazy-eyed anorexic here:


"Buying a cell-phone is like the biggest hassle in the entire world"





YEAH OMG TOTALLY LIKE HURRICANE IS SOOOO LAME

The Department of Defence compiled a list of the three most likely natural disasters to strike the United States a few years ago. A Category 5 Hurricane striking New Orleans was number three. In response, the U.S Army Corps engineers budget, containing money meant to go to flood prevention programs in the city, was slashed by $76 million.

The Louisiana Governor knew a Category 5 Hurricane was on its way to hit the city of New Orleans. The available National Guard in New Orleans, the troops on the ground who run recovery, rescue and relief programs, was less than ten thousand. More troops were not requested until days later. It has taken four days for the National Guard to begin delivering aid on a large-scale.

The same Governor then called the plan to evacuate thousands of New Orleans citizens to the Superdome stadium an 'experiment', when experts were reccomending a full scale military evacuation.

Currently FEMA, the organisation that manages emergencies is requesting people call an 800 number to request supplies.

In a city with no phones and no electricity.

A cesspool of water, waste, chemicals and dead bodies is rising in a city already flooded.

30,000 people are about to riot at the Convention Center, still looking for buses promised to them five days ago. Fox News' Geraldo Rivera got to the Convention Center with a cameraman and a producer, but the U.S National Guard could not.

How fucked.

Well, I'm pretty sure NSW State Politics has turned into an episode of the O.C

Now all we need is for Morris Iemma to hold a beach party which Carl Scully crashes and then gets floored by Michael Costa who then makes out with Police Chief Ken Moroney

John Howard would play the role of Sandy due to the obvious eyebrow similarities


Oowaaa Seth you've uhh the govahnment mr spoikah oowaaaa

Anyway, I don't have much to say about poor old Broggers. He seems like an alright bloke and a dodgy politician. The fact Labor was still out-polling him after three years in the top job, after the trains meltdown and the health scandals, shows how weak a leader he was. He could have had the Premier job handed to him on a silver platter if he actually put forward solutions to problems rather than bitching about things long enough for a fifteen second soundbite on the nightly news.

And yes, the whole thing is ridiculously overhyped. I don't think a leader should stand down because of a racist joke and a little bit of drunken tit grabbing. I mean, Bill Clinton squeezed more arses than a proctologist and he was a fantastic President. But that doesn't mean I feel sorry for Brogden. I think he lost most people's support on the Sunday, when he flatly denied the accusations and then blamed the Labor Party for spreading innuendo, then the next day admits to the mistake and blames Alex Hawke, the leader of the Young Liberals. And then in the space of a few hours, he goes from doing radio interviews apologising, looking like he's going to stay in the job, and then bam, he announces his retirement before midday. So what's that, four position changes in two days? I know he's a politician, but come on J-Bro, make up your mind already.

As for the suicide attempt, the dude obviously has a mental illness. That doesn't change the fact that what he did was cowardly and idiotic - he has a young son and a wife, and was ready to off himself because of a media beat-up of his resignation from the worst job in the entire State. If I was leader of the NSW Liberal Party for three years, I'd probably call Helena Carr a lot worse than a mail-order bride to get out of that job.


Hello comrade would you like to begin the mail ordering of the bride before the vodka and the dancing

But the whole thing raises a more important issue about how politics is spoken about in this country. We care more about what J-Bro said about Bob Carr's wife than we do the merits of his health policy. Tony Abbott's biological "son" got more attention than anything he has done as Health Minister. We cared more about Mark Latham's ex-wife than we did Medicare Gold. Hell, his man-boobs even got a few articles. Politics should be about ideas, not a soap opera and a personality contest.


Anyway, it should be interesting to see how Morris Iemma fares against the new NSW Opposition Leader. Here's a photo of him in case you didn't know who he was:



Recycled Joke