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Well it's VOTING DAY in Afghanistan today, with their very first provincial and national assembly elections. Over twelve million Afghanis will vote for the Parliament to serve alongside President Hamid Karzai in a sign that there is actual hope for the troubled nation. And because everybody comes here for analysis of elections in Middle Eastern countries, here's my guide to the Afghanistan elections I'm going to call:


HOLY SHIT IT'S A FUCKING BOMB!@
Tommy's Guide To The Afghanistan Elections


The Parties
There are three major parties in Afghanistan, the left-leaning People's For A Democratic Afghanistan (the PDA), centre-right Warlords For Change (the WFC) and the Five-Day Weekend Party. The oppressive former rulers of Afghanistan, the Taliban, are the wildcard in the elections, having threatened on numerous ocassions to return Afghanistan to their totalitarian regime through the threat of violence, blackmail and lower interest rates.

The Process
Afghanistans do not vote by ticking boxes or punching cards like their Western counterparts, but instead vote through the major means of telecommunications in the predominantly Muslim country - beating up their wives. One bruise on their wife's face means a vote for the PDA, two means one for the WFC, and internal bleeding means a donkey vote. If the wife is killed in this process, the voter is fined and a new voting wife is issued.

The Candidates


Qari Hadi Alazi, pictured above, is the leader of the PDA. Extremely popular due to his success in the 2003 Afghanistan Beard Combing Championships, Alazi is sure to win a seat in the Afghan Parliament. Is running on a platform of higher beard lengths and more funding for dentists.


Abdul Rassay-ef Bilal, pictured above left, is the youngest candidate in the Afghan elections. Some say his lack of experience will work against him, while others say his clean record will work in his favour. Is running on a platform of gun control.


Muhammed Kazan el-Jayaa, pictured above, is the celebrity candidate in the elections. As the host of Afghanistan television show 'Who Wants To Not Be Killed By A Bomb', and the owner of the only television in Afghanistan (pictured), this zany character is a household name. Running on a platform of oversized green pockets.


Goat-el Bin el-Bayzal Goat, pictured above, is one of the most prominet politicians in Afghanistan. His impassioned speeches and charisma are second to none. His perfomance in televised debates, where he began eating Alazi's shoe, was a landmark moment of the elections. Running on a platform of recycled jokes.



So there you have it folks, hopefully it will help you all make the right decision (which is fleeing the sandy hellhole that is Afghanistan).