Rove vs XZibit, and John Howard vs Australia

Ok, Rove vs XZibit is officially the weirdest celebrity feud ever. This isn't like Rosie vs Trump, or Paris vs Nicole, or Lindsay vs Her Nasal Cavity, it's on a whole new level.

The deal was, XZibit was meant to be on Rove's show last Sunday, but got offended by one of Rove's producers, then stormed off in what I presume was a car pimped out with an in-built plasma screen, fishtank and shower.

YO MAN I MUCH PREFER 'THE NATION WITH MICK MOLLOY'

I don't know who to side with. On one side - Rove. The Gold Logie stealer. Funny enough, but over-rated. Provides employment to Pete Hellier, Corinne Grant and Dave Hughes. Bad man.

On the other, Xzibit. Host of Pimp My Ride, which isn't as good as My Super Sweet Sixteen. A rapper. Can't spell 'Exhibit'. Is black- American. Bad man.

Hmm.. If only there was some way to decide this...



XZIBIT WINS!! FUCK ROVE!! THAT FUCKIN RACIST!!


Speaking of racism, a Galaxy Poll came out today. Aside from having Rudd up 55-45, it also reveals this interesting statistic, r.e Howard's drive to stamp out child sex abuse in indigenous communities:

Some 58 per cent of voters believe Mr Howard is addressing problems in the communities because of the looming election, the exclusive Galaxy opinion survey has found.

Just 25 per cent said Mr Howard launched the intervention because he really cares about the problem.

You know when I'd retire as Prime Minister? When a poll came out that showed only 1/4 of the country believed I was genuine about being anti-pedo.

XZibit for PM.

People who annoy you......

This is awesome, and at least it's not the fucking Budget:

CHANNEL 7 television personality Grant Denyer has been forced to apologise for a crude comment he made on a breakfast radio program.

Denyer was a guest on Nova's Merrick and Rosso program when he made the comment. The former Sunrise weather presenter was discussing how he felt after partying hard following the Logies presentations on Sunday night.

"Let me say I'm feeling like I had sex with a black man right now," Denyer said.

lololol

I'm going to defend Grant here. He's not being racist. He's being complimentary. Black guys have large schlongs, and from the look of him in this picture, I'm going to guess he's a kind of expert in that department. Also in whatever department it is that specialises in giant foreheads and mouths that are too close to the nose.

Totally not gay

Of course, those politically-correct bastards immediately jumped on his back, even though he'd clearly stated that he was already sore from that.

First, the gays. Anti-homophobia activist Simon Biber said...

“It’s homophobic but the racial slur is more serious, appealing as it does to a stereotype. It’s harmful, but unfortunately it’s not uncommon.”

Not uncommon, ay? Ay. Ay. Ay ay.

Then, the other gays.

Spokesman for the Gay and Lesbian Rights Lobby, Ghassan 'I'm only gay because my parents named me Ghassan' Kassieh, said...

“This is a totally unacceptable comment, and should never have been made on air,”

And then, the token black guy, Aboriginal leader Mick Mundine said he was upset by Denyer's comment.

"I'm upset by Denyer's comment,"

Now, I don't want to sound harsh, but I'm pretty sure the 'black guys hung like Matt Shirvington's horse' thing doesn't include Aboriginals. I've seen enough episodes of The Bush Mechanic and spied in enough South Sydney Rabbitohs dressing sheds to know that one isn't quite right.

Poor Grant. He should stick to comedy from the pages of Kochie's Best Jokes.

Tommy Presents - 'Completely Unrelated Headlines'

So, I did my usual daily check of Halle Berry news, and stumbled upon this...




Shocking.

Why would someone so successful, so well-respected and so hot as Halle Berry want to off themselves?







This has been the first hilarious installment of Tommy's highly successful 'Completely Unrelated Headlines' comedy bit. 'Completely Unrelated Headlines' is filmed infront of a live, studio audience.

Oops I Checked Into Rehab and Shaved My Head and Will Probably Accidentally Kill My Child.... again

So, Britney shaved her head. A few days old, I know, but good on you Brit. The buzzcut is quite easily the coolest of all haircuts, even if sometimes people say you look like a kid from Camp Quality. Every day is a bonus.

This led to an onslaught of dodgy newspaper headlines, like 'Britney Shears', 'Snip Me Baby One More Time', 'Headline Writer Fired For Bad Puns' and multiple variations of 'Oops' by unoriginal dorks with no creativity left after that fantastic blog where he said he didn't like Indians.

But, with Britney being the queen of the tabloids, her new hairstyle has sent shockwaves through Hollywood. Stars are clamouring over themselves to jump on the 'leukemia victim' bandwagon. Bald is the new blue. (blue was the new black).

Take a look. First, our own big Russ got in on the action..



Then, wary of his Oscar-rival, America's favourite actor Tom Hanks joined the bald club. Though, it might have been because of his next film : Philadelphia 2: Electric Boogaloo.



Even declining stars have gotten in on the action. Comedian and actress Whoopi Goldberg, desperate for attention, shaved off her famous dreadlocks...



And finally, don't think Russ was the only Aussie to go bald. Even some desperate, old, over-the-hill Australian stars decided to go for the bald look too...





I really need to get over John Howard.

More like Global Boring am i rite folks

The Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change, or the IPCC (I don't like acronyms that you can't pronounce, so I'm going to call it 'Ippic') released their big report last week. It basically said that, with a 90% probability, climate change has been caused by man. And it had some pretty dire predictions about what might happen as a result. Newspapers across the world jumped on the story. The Sydney Morning Herald reported 'World Wakes To Climate Calamity', The Guardian reported 'Worse Than We Thought', and The Daily Telegraph had pictures of Shane Warne pashing his ex.

How I assume global warming is caused

As someone whose knowledge of global warming comes predominantly from Al Gore films, I'm not really going to make a call either way. But it's hard to argue against the 2,500 scientists that contributed to the Ippic Report. But then again, those 2,500 scientists need grant money. And it's a lot easier to get money for your research/Frankstenstein creating schemes if you're saying 'THE WORLD IS GOING TO END AND YOUR CHILDREN WILL MELT' rather than 'YOU MIGHT NEED TO BUY MORE T-SHIRTS'

But then the scientists who argue against man-made climate change have their own agenda too. For some strange reason, these agendas seem to line up perfectly with those of oil companies like Exxon. Weird.

That might also explain why they hand in their reports alongside big canvas bags full of money with the dollar-sign painted on them. And also why I saw this guy attend a climate summit with John Howard:

He's really let himself go

So with so many agendas, with so many third-parties influencing everything, how do we determine the truth? Who can be the voice of reason amongst the cloud of uncertainty? How do we find the way forward?

Well, like always..... We look north.


We look....


To the Baldwin.

All around us are signs of global climate change. And this administration's response is to send in more troops. If you don't think there is a link between the weather and Iraq, you are wrong.

Sold.

Now, I'm no showbiz reporter. I'm no Ryan Seacrest. I'm not even Angela Bishop, the red carpet trollop from Channel Ten. But every now and then, I notice a bit of a trend in Hollywood. For example, I was the first person to notice that Adam Sandler's movies are shit, and that the police chief in action movies is always black.

And today I was reading The Superficial, and I spotted another one.

It's a bit subtle, but see if you can spot it...

Here's Scarlett Johansson.



Can you see it yet? Here's Britney, fresh from divorcing Vanilla Ice..



And here's Salma Hayek, fresh from... being.. holy shit look at them




Considering the last blog, it was probably a bad idea to follow it up with a Boobs post, but whatever. I'm going away on Wednesday, so consider this your compensation.




The trend was 'Massive Bazoongas'

Giddy-Up

Was going to do a blog about the Kramer/Nigger thing, but aside from a photoshopped picture and some jokes about Balky from Perfect Strangers being an anti-semite and Uncle Joey from Full House hating Asians, I really had nothing new to say.

So, instead, here's the photoshopped picture by itself, because as the saying goes - a picture is worth a thousand Jew jokes.

Rocky VI

I've made fun of Rocky Dennis before. For those of you who are not familiar with Rocky Dennis, he is the main character in the film Mask, starring Cher. It's about a boy whose face is so disfigured that he looks like he is wearing a horror-film mask. Cher plays his biological mother in the film, which might explain why his face looks like this:

I don't make fun of him because I think physical deformities are funny, it's just he always seems to keep popping up in my head. I've only seen the film once before, one night on Channel Ten after I finished 'watching' Sandra Sully present the late news. But his face was do distinctive, so memorable that I always think of it. And for some reason, I see it everywhere.


Especially when I see former Sydney Roosters centre turned rugby-union turncoat Ryan Cross.

Fittler, cut-out pass to Cross, Cross chased by a group of angry townsfolk bearing pitchforks, offloads to Minichiello, Roosters score!

Or star of Dawson's Creek, James Van Der Beek.

omg it's named dawsons creek cause dawson drowns in it trying to save joey i read it on the net

But last night, when I flicked to Australian Idol (shut up), I saw a new Rocky Dennis look-a-like. Not only did he look like Rocky, he acted like him, moving like a veritable Quasimodo on stage. According to the Idol website, his name is Bobby Flynn. According to a zoological study I had conducted by a friend at Taronga Zoo, he is most likely of the Homo Neanderthalensis genus, likes to hunt in packs, and considers fish heads a tasty treat.


Look at the similarities - Australian Idol, or Rocky Dennis? You be the judge.




That is all.

60 MINUTES? MORE LIKE 16 SECONDS!
A TommyIsCoolDotCom Investigative Report Into The Side Boob


The side boob is the most elusive of all boobs. Sure, you can get your fill of front-on boob shots pretty much anywhere - the internet, Big Brother Up Late, Bert's Family Feud, Zoo Weekly, primary school swimming carnivals. But the side boob is rare.

Like every part of celebrity anatomy, there is a strict hierarchy. Some boobs are better than others. Ergo, some side boobs are better than others. Visa vie, I don't know what visa vie means, but let's look at pics of Elisha Cuthbert's titties.

DAMN IT CHLOE GET ME THE TISSUES

This isn't the best example of side boob, but it's Elisha Cuthbert. She has Jack Bauer's DNA running through her veins. She is the essence of hotness. She cannot be topped, but it wouldn't be much of a blog if I didn't at least try.

Fresh from Namibia, here's Angelina Jolie.

I'd like to Tomb her Raider. Or Raid her Tomb, whichever is funnier.

Sadly, that's the only shot of Angelina's side boob I could find, after hours of searching and three keyboard replacements. I guess it was never going to be easy finding shots of just the side of Angelina Jolie's boobs, when she's been topless in more films than Bugs Bunny.

Though, I feel bad about ripping you all off with that tiny, pixellated image, so here's a make-good.

I suggest it was Miss Scarlett with the candlestick in Tommy's dreams

If I could type the sound of an orchestral choir of angels, I would have put it underneath that picture.

So now you're thinking to yourself, you're thinking Tommy, you're thinking mate, you can't fuckin top this. You're saying to yourself christ, fuckin oath, fuckin how can you top Angelina, Elisha and Scarlett. You also swear more when you think. You should probably work on that.

But seriously, how can I top that, I hear you fucking think.

Well, I can't. So, now is the time when I ruin your buzz, when I reveal the side boob that could turn John Wayne into a flaming homo.

I give you... Lindsay Lohan.


My first attempt at the Linsday Lohan section of the report included a Sophie DeLezeo skin transplant joke. So, for the sake of my soul, I palmed it off to everyone's favourite guest blogger - Matt.



Yes, not content with just making woefully bad movies like Herbie sequels (the only thing 'fully loaded' after that movie was the fortuitously placed vomit bag next to my seat), Lindsay has truly upped the ante on us this time.

In recent months, Lindsay has always looked like you killed another pasty, freckly girl and then stretched her skin over a broomstick, gave it a stuck up attitude and made it throw tantrums at L.A. parties, but it was her coked-fuelled anorexia rampage that truly gave her the strung-out, skull-fucked look she had always lusted after like Kelly Clarkson lusts after Burger King.

Imagine, if you will, but I can't think why you would, this mental image of the dope-addicted cock-fiend Lindsay we're now all too familiar with, but wearing a large, grey, unflattering potato sack. Then, look at this.

LINNDDDSSSSAAAAYYYYyyyyyyyyy

Isn't it like all your nightmares being realised? Why would you put those things out there? The fact the drugs seemed to have given her the powers of transluscent skin and no fashion sense is bad enough, but this is like the Kate's Playground chick flaunting around her hoof, or Tommy flashing people his pre-pubescent hairless chest which reflects so much white light it's like looking into the corona of a star.

Splinter from the Ninja Turtles is surprised by the paparazzi

You want the best example of a juxtaposition ever? Put Lindsay Lohan and Elisha Cuthbert next to each other. One is every man's wet dream (yes, even the gay ones. The fags would like to kidnap Kim Bauer too, if you know what I'm sayin') and pure sexual fantasy become reality. The other is seedy, dripping, cum-stained, damaged goods slutbag boasting a vaginal entrance so loose she goes to recently cleared forests and uses tree stumps for masturbation. Her only use in this life now is to suicide-bomb herself out of existence and hopefully take out all the similar, tweener, spoiled and over-cashed socialite sluts of her brood.

Elisha, get 'em out. Lindsay, for the love of God, put 'em away and keep 'em there.





Thanks Matt. But I think he was a tad too harsh on the old Lindsay. At least she has side boob.

Mel Gibson is sure in a lot of trouble. First, he's caught drunk driving. Then, a gossip blog finds a photo of Mel, drunk out of his mind, alongside some ugly skank.



And to top it all off, he puts himself in a pantload of shit by blaming the 'fucking Jews' for all the 'wars in the world'. Which, technically, is correct. Steven Spielberg did direct War of The Worlds. But attacking Jews is not the best way to look after your career in Hollywood. I'm sure the Weinstein's at Miramax, or Michael Eisner, or former WCW World Heavyweight Champion Bill Goldberg won't be lining up to work with Mel now. And if he thinks he has a chance in hell of making a buddy flick with Kyle's Jewish Cousin Kyle from South Park, he's got another thing coming.

But focusing on Mel's hate of the circumcised ignores the bigger crime.

From the original report on TMZ.com

I'D CLICK ON IT TO MAKE IT BIGGER IF I WAS YOU

Yes. Mel Gibson is Anti-Sugar Tits.

Sugartititis is a painful condition affecting thousands of women world-wide. For many, it means they are unable to breastfeed their own children, due to risks of a sugar-overload. Lactation from Sugartititis sufferers was revered as a delicacy in many African nations for centuries, where the 'lucky' women afflicted by the disease were forcefully milked. Surprisingly, a job as a Sugartititis Milker was not sought after by African males, because even they don't find black chicks attractive.

Colonisation saw the practice spread quickly to the Western world, and the use of industrial milking machines quickly streamlined the entire process. Today, excretions from Sugartititis sufferers are available in many different forms and in most major supermarkets. They are commonly known as 'Sweetened Condensed Milk'.

So while you watch as the world's media attacks Mel Gibson for daring to blame the world's problems on one single religion, spare a thought for the silent victims of this whole event. Those sweet, sweet, silent sugar titties.

I know the blog is called Tommy Is Cool and I know my site is like, totally the 3rd coolest site on the net behind InTheMix.com.au and WWE.com, but sometimes you just have to geek it up.

Superman Returns came out yesterday. I haven't seen it yet, but it's on my to-do list, along with getting a job and Elisha Cuthbert.

And as you've probably already gathered from either talking to me in person, or reading my blog about X-Men 3 where I listed both The Beast's birthplace and the first names of his parents, I'm a comic book fanboy. Especially ever since I found out you could just download them for free, rather than paying a few bucks for something you read in about 2 minutes (like the Daily Telegraph lolololo). So a movie like Superman Returns, which has a guy who can fly, shoot beams from his eyes and manage to convince people he's a bumbling reporter just by changing the direction of his fringe, gets a thumbs up in my book.

But Superman came very, very close to getting a thumbs down. If you thought X-Men 3 was dissapointing, you're lucky Warner Brothers never made the Superman movies they wanted to during the 1990's and early 00's. Yes, it's time to bust out the pocket protectors and the calculators, it's all systems geek as we take a faster-than-a-speeding-bullet trip through...


NICOLAS CAGE IS SUPERMAN?!
- Tommy's Guide To The Cursed Superman Movies


Superman I, II, III and... well, let's not talk about IV, were awesome movies. Well... actually III was pretty crap too. But Gene Hackman was a sweet Lex Luthor, and Christopher Reeve was an even better Superman. Lois Lane was a little fugly, but hey, it was the 80's. And aside from some weird scenes where Superman straightens the Leaning Tower of Pisa (because that was was the most important problem facing the world at the time), they were pretty true to the basic elements of the Superman mythos.

Holy shit, I just said mythos.

And we all know them - there's the red cape, the S, Krypton, flying, heat vision, completely ridiculous scenarios involving Kryptonite and some more flying. It's what everyone knows about Superman, what everyone likes about Superman and what anybody in their right mind making a Superman movie would include.

Except the people who were... making the Superman movies.

We start our tale with Kevin Smith, the writer/director of Clerks and Chasing Amy. His other big film, Mallrats, was loaded with comic references (mainly to do with superheroes cocks), so Warner Bros brought him on board to write a script for 'Superman Lives', a movie that would deal with the 'death' of Superman, as done in the comics to lots of $$$.

Smith has given lots of interviews about his experience working on Superman Lives, but he reserved most of his criticism for the film's then-producer Jon Peters. Peters was Barbara Streisand's hair stylist before becoming a movie maker. If that's not bad enough, he's also the guy who made Wild Wild West. As Smith said about Peters - 'in Hollywood, you fail up.'

When he met with Peters, Smith was told his script had to comply with three things.

• Superman would not fly
• Superman would not wear his costume because it was too 'faggy'
• Superman had to fight a giant spider in the third act

I'm not making that up. Other Peters ideas included Braniac, a Superman villain, having a robot sidekick with a 'gay black' voice, Superman having armed guards at his Fortress of Solitude, Braniac fighting polar bears, and did I mention he'd be fighting a giant spider?

Luckily, after Smith had written a few drafts, Tim Burton and Nicolas Cage were signed to direct and star, and Peters ideas were thrown away. Though surprisingly enough, Peters' film Wild Wild West included a giant spid-

Wait

Wait wait wait waitwaitwaitwait


Nicolas Cage?


As you may know, I think Nicolas Cage is a tool. But that's not why he'd be a horrible Superman. This is why Nicolas Cage would be a horrible Superman.

"It's you, you're The Rocketman"

Seriously, he looks like THAT and he wants to play James Bond and Superman? Why not just cast the daft old bitch from The Golden Girls to play Wonder Woman?

(Of course, saying 'daft old bitch from The Golden Girls' doesn't really narrow the field down much. I meant the really old one. Not the slutty one, the retarded one or the one that looked like a man.)

Anyway, Tim Burton rocks! He made Batman! And Batman Returns! And that had Christopher Walken in it! And his movies always look really unique, so his Superman would look awesome, right?


Right?

Hey, look, it's Edward Scissor-Hands-Man.

So after a few dozen MILLION DOLLARS were spent on pre-production and Burton and Cage's salary, they canned Superman for another few years, but as always - Superman LIVED!

In 2002, Superman was back in production, and J.J Abrams was going to write the script! He's the guy who made Alias, and Lost! And FELICITY! Hell yes! And McG, the guy who directed Charlies Angels 2: Full Throttle was going to direct! ..................... Shit.

Well, at least J.J would write a cool script!


J.J Abrams Superman script included:

• Lex Luthor being changed from a meglomaniacal businessman into a Government Agent who was secretly from Krypton, Superman's home world, with the same powers as Superman
• A Matrix-style kung-fu fight between Superman and... Super Lex
• Jimmy Olsen, Clark Kent's photo-taking good buddy being gay
• Superman's home planet Krypton doesn't explode, unlike every other Superman story ever. This is the equivalent of having Batman's parents alive and baking him cookies.
  
• Superman dies, but his father on Krypton 'argues him out' of dying
• A steaming pile of shit

Who would have thought that the man who gave the world Felicity could write something so crap. Anyway, the director's reins on Superman changed hands more than an amputee with a prosthetic arm before finally settling on Bryan Singer, who made the pretty swank looking Superman Returns.

And so ends our guide. If you'll excuse me, I have to go get changed in a phone booth. Not because I'm a superhero, I just like people watching me.

Long-Winded Excuse To Post Pictures of Britney Spears When She Was Hot

Remember to mention how fame is fleeting and shit like that

A Tommy Investigation


There is a good reason why people read magazines like NW and Who and Famous. Because bagging out celebrities for minor flaws makes everyone feel better about themselves. It's why Kirsty Alley's battle to not be a fat whale is a regular front-page feature, years after she actually acted in something. There's the stories about the hot celebrity couple's relationship troubles, complete with my personal favourite trash mag feature - The Insider.

The Insider is the friend of Brad Pitt, the acquaintance of Jennifer Aniston, the witness to Russell Crowe murdering a dude, the confidante of Kate Moss and the guy who delivers the wheelbarrows of cheeseburgers to Britney Spears. They are everywhere, and they have two things in common. They know everything, and they're completely fabricated. They provide us with first-hand quotes from a Brad Pitt/Angelina Jolie argument that reads like dialogue from Home and Away. Hell, when Angelina gave birth in Namibia, they even had Namibian Insiders. The CIA doesn't have a global network as sophisticated as NW's posse of insiders.

But while made-up quotes from made-up fights are my favourite part of the crappytrashmags, everybody buys them for the pictures. And because my blog needed more boobs, that's what I'm bringing today. But I'm just not going to post hot pics of Britney before she got knocked up and devoured the entire Dominos menu, cause that's too blatant. Instead, I will put the hot pictures inbetween pictures of how the celebrity looks today, to make some deep comment about the fleeting nature of fame, or some shit like that.

ONTO THE PICS!

Britney before

*Angels singing*

Britney after

Remember when you beat off to her?

And I know she's pregnant or whatever, but come on. She looks like the mum of the hot chick in the before photos who keeps entering her in beauty pageants because she got knocked up when she was eighteen and married some truck driver when she was 20 and now her child is the only thing that reminds her of her childhood where she'd bang truck drivers and get pregnant.

But you know what? I've had an epiphany. Britney looks crappy for a celebrity, but she's not UGLY. She's just made some bad lifestyle choices and got a blind woman to do her eyelashes. And anyway, in terms of a decline, nobody tops our next contestant.

Back in 1996, her name was Sunny. I loved her. She was the hottest chick in wrestling ever. Even hotter than Miss Elizabeth, and she was Macho Man's wife so you knew she was good. Sunny was so hot that when the mailman would deliver my monthly WWF Magazine, and she'd be on the cover, he'd think I was getting porn delivered. And she was wearing clothes! That's how hot she was.

I mean, sweet sassy o massy, look at this

Two reasons for the late 1990's wrestling boom

And now, two drug addictions later...

Is that a roast ham in your pocket,
or do my pores just excrete bacon?

So next time you're thinking of... being..famous. Don't. Cause.. you might get fat.

...




This has been a TommyIsCoolDotCom Community Service Announcement

I've watched plenty of dodgy movies in my time (not that kind) (ok maybe a few) (ok a bit more than that) (just guess a number and then double it), from American Ninja to Suburban Commando to every single generic 80's action movie ever. The first movie I remember seeing is Robocop when I was about 6, thanks to my brother insisting I get a healthy dose of ultra-violence to counteract all the Care Bears I was watching.

However, I'm not exactly a movie buff. I've never seen The Godfather II, or the second half of Pulp Fiction, or Casablanca, or the Lord Of The Rings, or Titanic, or You Got Served. But like everyone else, I've seen hundreds of movies. And that's the only requirement you need for my next blog.


Wasn't That The Guy In The Thing?

Tommy's Guide To Those Guys In Movies All The Time That You Don't Know The Names Of But Man I Swear I've Seen Him Someplace Before... Maybe He's The Guy From Terminator 2?


Everyone has favourite actors. Some people even have favourite actresses if you ask them to really think. But there is a breed of actors who don't get their names on movie posters, who don't get their own action figures or signing bonuses. They are the character actors, the people who make the stars look like stars. Their faces are instantly recognisable, yet... You don't know what from. They are the Joint Chiefs in military thrillers, the bad guy mobsters, the evil martial arts bad guy, the crooked businessman, or the wise old guy.

They're not Jean Reno, or Brian Denehey, they're the guys who work for Jean Reno and Brian Denehey. But, there was a time when a well-known supporting actor like Jean Reno was one of these men, these chosen few, this... Band of Brothers.

Now, I could drop some names, but as I said - you wouldn't know them. Nobody does. That's the gimmick. Instead, take a look at these guys.



I'll tell you their names, just in case the curiosity is getting to you. In the top row, the first guy you might know because he has a unique name. That's Rip Torn. Next to him is Bob Gunton. The last guy on the top row is Charles Napier. In the bottom row, that's James Rebhorn, Michael Rooker and David Paymer.

Now, let's try that again. The top row is, from left to right

• The Guy From Men In Black And Artie From The Larry Sanders Show
• Wasn't He The Evil Sick Dude From Desperate Housewives and HOLY SHIT THAT'S THE WARDEN FROM SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION!@
• The Lead 'Good Old Boy' from The Blues Brothers and... Wait, He Wasn't In Rambo Was He?

And the second row

• That Guy Who Always Plays Crooked Politicians and Generals
• The Bad Ass Guy Who Is Always A Cop Or The Henchman That Goes After The Good Guy
  
• Not Even This Guy Knows What We Remember Him From

Now, these guys are all terrific actors. Especially Charles Napier, who based on that photo has looked exactly the same for the last thirty years. If they didn't look like bad guys, cops and smarmy lawyers, they probably would have made it huge because of their ability. There's still a chance for them too, Phillip Seymour Hoffman, who just a few years ago was That Dicky Guy From Patch Adams won an OSCAR.

But there is a character actor who surpasses every single one of them. He is in a field of his own. You will know him as The Guy Who Always Plays The Bad Asian Guy. But now you will know and respect him for his real name. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you...

James Hong.

Hah, Foolish American. You dare try to escape?

He was in Hero with Jet Li, The Art Of War with Wesley Snipes, Blade Runner, Tango and Cash and he was General Trau in the Chuck Norris masterpiece Missing In Action. He's acted in pretty much every successful television series ever - The X-Files, Taxi, Alias, Hawaii Five-O, The West Wing, Friends, even shows you've never heard of like Airwolf, Manimal and The Wackiest Ship In The Army.

Basically, he's the guy who Hollywood calls when they need an Asian. To prove this point, Hong was in four episodes of the series MacGyver, playing THREE different characters - Chu, Lee and Kuang. He played EIGHT different characters in the 70's action series Kung Fu.

You think Morgan Freeman can get away with that?

You think Brad Pitt, or Joaquin Phoenix has that range?

You think Marlon Brando could have played an Asian?

Hell no.

James Hong is a legend. He is exactly what I had in mind when I wrote the title to this blog. Come award season, this guy should get an honourary Oscar for his work.

So next time you watch a film, don't think of the pooncy star getting paid millions to pretend to run away from an explosion, think of the guys who truly make the movie. The character actor. James Hong, Bruce Davison, Michael O'Neill, The Dicky Guy From Ghostbusters With The Red Beard Who Shuts Down Their Ghost Containment Machine, for they are the true stars of Hollywood.

And none of them have vaginas.

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