The Fall Of Rudd (on to some chick's lap)

Well, the leading political news of the day is Kevin Rudd's trip to Scores in New York, so sadly, I'm going to have to put up a relevant picture.

yes mr. rudd, please tell us more about the trade deficit

I think this is hilarious. I love the idea of Rudd at a strip club, pissed off his rocker, yelling in Mandarin to a bunch of single mothers. Surely something about 'an education revolution.... in my PANTS', or just a 'Hello, my name is Kevin, and I'm here to help..........YOUR TITTIES.' (Rudd is a big fan of the dramatic pause)

Or maybe he actually visited a male strip club, which is where he got 'hairy-chested beating' from.

We will never know.

I'd like to think Australia isn't so conservative that this will hurt K-Rudd come election time. I mean, aside from the hilarious hypocrisy of a Christian socialist watching poor lower-class sluttos shake what God gave/evolved them, it's not too earth-shattering. If anything, it reminds us of Bob Hawke, who was so awesome that he installed a stripper poll at Kirribilli House.

And at least it explains the Kevin07 Bumper Stickers.

The Doctor is [IN]

You may not realise this, but we here at tommyiswhateverdotcom get a great deal of email and hand-written letters in response to the entries we write. Since signing on as part of the full-time team here, most of my time has been dedicated to responding to these letters.

[possibly why you havent written an entry in over a month -tommy]

Now, I did my training in clinical psychology (no, seriously) but a lot of people seem to think that I can be used to answer more general questions about medicine and health in general. So, as part of our current initiative to make this blog more socially responsible (an initiative 'sponsored' by Hornsby Magistrate's Court), here are some of my responses to the letters that we've received. I've also included pictures of what I assume these people look like to fulfill the 'comedy' section of this entry because the rest is serious, medical stuff.



--


Hello, Mr Sampson,

I know you're heavily involved in the world of health services in this country and I was wondering what your thoughts were on the federal government offering the cervical cancer vaccine free of charge to school-age girls.

Hope all is well,
Margaret Kentwell, Mosman.

Hi, Marge, thanks for your letter! Nice to see you old ducks writing letters to someone other than the Sydney Morning Herald to complain about foul language on last night's episode of The Bill. Anyway, I think that the cervical cancer vaccine is a great thing, a fantastic leap forward for cancer research and a very proactive step by the government towards stemming the tide of this horrible disease.

However, at the same time, it's another flagrant display of favouritism by the Howard government in that they are only allowing women to receive the vaccine free of charge! Us men still have to pay for it! I went to my doctor to request the vaccine and he even refused to give it to me! I went through another six or seven GP's before I found a doctor in Campbelltown (here's a shout-out to you, Dr Lim!) who was willing to give it to me. However, I suspect that he is in on the scam because, even though he gave me the shot, he was laughing most of the time. I find this no laughing matter and, even though I have received the vaccine, I still check my cervix every time I'm in the shower just to make absolutely sure it's still cervical-cancer-free.

I find this an absolute outrage and I demand that the fat cats in Canberra do something about this immediately. My life is hard enough, going home to a girlfriend who says that my knowledge of anatomy is so minimal that I have no idea how to pleasure her, without being laughed at while I seek vital medical treatment. If I had no idea about anatomy, would I be answering questions like this? Ha. I'll let you be the judge.

--


yo matt.

i'm a 13 yr old guy and i rly like your blog! ur a lot funnier than that tommy guy i think the blog shuld be called mattiscool hahaha! i liked the story u wrote when tommy was away that was so lol.

neway, iv go ta question to ask and i dont rly feel cool bout goin to mum and dad so i thought id ask u! so lately ive noticed that ive been changing - my voice is gettin deeper, im growing more hair (and on my body, not my head :O !!) and im definitely stronga than my big sister and she used 2 beet me up all tha time!

what do u think is happening?

kthxbi,
pete_da_pimpest044@hotmail.com

Pete, I think we seriously need to address the possibility that you are becoming a werewolf. I know this is worrying for you to think about, but it seems to be the only explanation. Have you had any contact with dogs, domesticated or wild, in the past six or seven years of your life? If so, it's almost a certainty you have been infected with the werewolf germ (or were-germ if you will).

I Googled werewolves and have found that there are few options once infected and that it's only a matter of time before you undergo the painful, scarring and basically horrific transformation into one of the most derided and shunned beasts our world has ever known. Following your transformation, you are destined to stalk the innocent to gouge, tear, rip and generally feast upon them. You will end up loathing yourself but be unable to stop.

Because of this, I can only recommend you take steps to stop this horrible process before it starts. I'm bound by Blogger rules not to suggest anything... specific... to you, but I think you all know what needs to suicide. I mean 'needs to happen'. Little typo there. Good luck, Pete. We all know you'll find it inside you to do what's right, I just hope this reaches you in time.

---


Dear Doctor Sampson,

I have a problem I hope that you can help with. I have noticed that, about three days before I get my period, my breasts seem to get larger. Then, two days before, I seem to get very emotional, crying at small things that I know deep down don't really matter. The very day before I usually get extremely depressed and think very dark, morbid thoughts and I can't help it.

Is this normal? Should I see a GP about this issue? I feel like it's affecting me more and more each month and that it could be developing into something serious.

Sincerely,
PMS'ing in Perth.

Periods are gross. Girls are gross. This letter is totally fucking gross. Thanks a lot, let's move on.

--

Dear Matt,

I think of myself as a pretty regular guy and for the past few months I've been going to the gym to try and get myself in shape. I follow a pretty strict program and go very consistently (I must have a lot of free time, haha), but I'm not seeing any gains at all. You'd think that after this long I'd have made some progress, even by accident, but I'm still as weak as a kitten with cerebral palsy and the ladies don't seem to have noticed me at all!

Please help,
Anonymous.

Tommy, if you want to talk about this just give me a ring instead of writing me, mate. OK later.

--

So I hope that you found this all useful and I certainly hope that the court officer defines this as 'community service' because if he doesn't then I'm shit out of ideas. I'm not going back to that nursing home, I can tell you that.

BOOBS

Completely without Tommy's permission, I am declaring Wednesday to be 'Boobs Day' on Tommy's blog. Enjoy.
(Note: This is 'without Tommy's permission' because he asked me to make it 'Penises Day')

And the images that started me off on this tangent today...








Oh yeah. Happy Wednesday.

Tommy Sells Out For Hits

Ok, so like.. my blog normally gets about 50 hits a day. Pretty small in the grand scheme of things. But today, it got 550. And it's only 3:30pm. All because of a girl named Katie Rees, aka Miss Nevada.

I am not exaggerating when I say I am in the top ten hits on Google for "miss nevada breasts", "miss nevada titties", "miss nevada+titties", "miss nevada sex photos", "miss nevada nipple" and of course "boob miss nevada".

So, I figure I'll run with it. Here's your photos, perves.

She's the one in the middle.

I'd give her a googling

To read about Miss Nevada being slutty (why are people surprised the state with Las Vegas is the whore-ish one?), and to see more pics - click here.


I feel dirty.

Especially because now people searching for 'dirty miss nevada photos' are going to find my blog. That's just wrong.


Merry tits boobies breasts Christmas

Guess what...

I'M FULL TIME NOW, BABY!

Now, I'm no showbiz reporter. I'm no Ryan Seacrest. I'm not even Angela Bishop, the red carpet trollop from Channel Ten. But every now and then, I notice a bit of a trend in Hollywood. For example, I was the first person to notice that Adam Sandler's movies are shit, and that the police chief in action movies is always black.

And today I was reading The Superficial, and I spotted another one.

It's a bit subtle, but see if you can spot it...

Here's Scarlett Johansson.



Can you see it yet? Here's Britney, fresh from divorcing Vanilla Ice..



And here's Salma Hayek, fresh from... being.. holy shit look at them




Considering the last blog, it was probably a bad idea to follow it up with a Boobs post, but whatever. I'm going away on Wednesday, so consider this your compensation.




The trend was 'Massive Bazoongas'

The Holy Trinity

I always struggle to write Monday blogs. I could quite easily just write about some boring politics stuff, like Carl Scully being a lying tool, but... nobody would really care. And I'd like to post about boobs too, to make sure that I sent the punters home happy, but it's difficult (I was going to say hard) to find a good angle. I can't just like, chuck a really hot picture of some boobs on my site in a desperate excuse for hits.

lol psych

But today, I found a story that solved both problems.

Porn star demands equal time from Leno

Porn star and California gubernatorial candidate Mary Carey, following the lead of Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger's Democratic opponent, demanded on Friday that Jay Leno give her equal time on his TV show.

Schwarzenegger, who is seeking a second term, made an appearance on NBC's "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno" earlier this month, prompting Democrat Phil Angelides to complain he also deserved airtime.

The star of "Boobsville Sorority Girls" and "Cheerleader School" is running for governor as a write-in candidate and said her name was among the top search terms on Google -- proving she had the popularity to win. She said her request to be on the show was denied.

Yes, Boobs + Politics. Porno boobs too, so they jiggle less. It's the Perfect Storm.

Reason #484923 why Democracy beat Communism

I just love her justification for getting equal representation in the media - she's one of the top Google search terms. In light of this, Screech from Saved By The Bell has decided to run for a Senate seat in Nebraska, 'GTA San Andreas Cheats' is running a close second in a Mayoral race in England, and the next President of Guatemala is 'anal creampies'.

I just hope this doesn't start a trend of Boob Politics down here. The last Aussie politician to have boobs was Latham, and looked what happened to him. Luckily, Kim Beazley's lost a few kilos and Julia Gillard is flatter than an eleven year old Taiwanese girl, or else Labor would be screwed.

Anyway, good luck to her. She's gotta be more qualified than Arnie at least.

60 MINUTES? MORE LIKE 16 SECONDS!
A TommyIsCoolDotCom Investigative Report Into The Side Boob


The side boob is the most elusive of all boobs. Sure, you can get your fill of front-on boob shots pretty much anywhere - the internet, Big Brother Up Late, Bert's Family Feud, Zoo Weekly, primary school swimming carnivals. But the side boob is rare.

Like every part of celebrity anatomy, there is a strict hierarchy. Some boobs are better than others. Ergo, some side boobs are better than others. Visa vie, I don't know what visa vie means, but let's look at pics of Elisha Cuthbert's titties.

DAMN IT CHLOE GET ME THE TISSUES

This isn't the best example of side boob, but it's Elisha Cuthbert. She has Jack Bauer's DNA running through her veins. She is the essence of hotness. She cannot be topped, but it wouldn't be much of a blog if I didn't at least try.

Fresh from Namibia, here's Angelina Jolie.

I'd like to Tomb her Raider. Or Raid her Tomb, whichever is funnier.

Sadly, that's the only shot of Angelina's side boob I could find, after hours of searching and three keyboard replacements. I guess it was never going to be easy finding shots of just the side of Angelina Jolie's boobs, when she's been topless in more films than Bugs Bunny.

Though, I feel bad about ripping you all off with that tiny, pixellated image, so here's a make-good.

I suggest it was Miss Scarlett with the candlestick in Tommy's dreams

If I could type the sound of an orchestral choir of angels, I would have put it underneath that picture.

So now you're thinking to yourself, you're thinking Tommy, you're thinking mate, you can't fuckin top this. You're saying to yourself christ, fuckin oath, fuckin how can you top Angelina, Elisha and Scarlett. You also swear more when you think. You should probably work on that.

But seriously, how can I top that, I hear you fucking think.

Well, I can't. So, now is the time when I ruin your buzz, when I reveal the side boob that could turn John Wayne into a flaming homo.

I give you... Lindsay Lohan.


My first attempt at the Linsday Lohan section of the report included a Sophie DeLezeo skin transplant joke. So, for the sake of my soul, I palmed it off to everyone's favourite guest blogger - Matt.



Yes, not content with just making woefully bad movies like Herbie sequels (the only thing 'fully loaded' after that movie was the fortuitously placed vomit bag next to my seat), Lindsay has truly upped the ante on us this time.

In recent months, Lindsay has always looked like you killed another pasty, freckly girl and then stretched her skin over a broomstick, gave it a stuck up attitude and made it throw tantrums at L.A. parties, but it was her coked-fuelled anorexia rampage that truly gave her the strung-out, skull-fucked look she had always lusted after like Kelly Clarkson lusts after Burger King.

Imagine, if you will, but I can't think why you would, this mental image of the dope-addicted cock-fiend Lindsay we're now all too familiar with, but wearing a large, grey, unflattering potato sack. Then, look at this.

LINNDDDSSSSAAAAYYYYyyyyyyyyy

Isn't it like all your nightmares being realised? Why would you put those things out there? The fact the drugs seemed to have given her the powers of transluscent skin and no fashion sense is bad enough, but this is like the Kate's Playground chick flaunting around her hoof, or Tommy flashing people his pre-pubescent hairless chest which reflects so much white light it's like looking into the corona of a star.

Splinter from the Ninja Turtles is surprised by the paparazzi

You want the best example of a juxtaposition ever? Put Lindsay Lohan and Elisha Cuthbert next to each other. One is every man's wet dream (yes, even the gay ones. The fags would like to kidnap Kim Bauer too, if you know what I'm sayin') and pure sexual fantasy become reality. The other is seedy, dripping, cum-stained, damaged goods slutbag boasting a vaginal entrance so loose she goes to recently cleared forests and uses tree stumps for masturbation. Her only use in this life now is to suicide-bomb herself out of existence and hopefully take out all the similar, tweener, spoiled and over-cashed socialite sluts of her brood.

Elisha, get 'em out. Lindsay, for the love of God, put 'em away and keep 'em there.





Thanks Matt. But I think he was a tad too harsh on the old Lindsay. At least she has side boob.

Long-Winded Excuse To Post Pictures of Britney Spears When She Was Hot

Remember to mention how fame is fleeting and shit like that

A Tommy Investigation


There is a good reason why people read magazines like NW and Who and Famous. Because bagging out celebrities for minor flaws makes everyone feel better about themselves. It's why Kirsty Alley's battle to not be a fat whale is a regular front-page feature, years after she actually acted in something. There's the stories about the hot celebrity couple's relationship troubles, complete with my personal favourite trash mag feature - The Insider.

The Insider is the friend of Brad Pitt, the acquaintance of Jennifer Aniston, the witness to Russell Crowe murdering a dude, the confidante of Kate Moss and the guy who delivers the wheelbarrows of cheeseburgers to Britney Spears. They are everywhere, and they have two things in common. They know everything, and they're completely fabricated. They provide us with first-hand quotes from a Brad Pitt/Angelina Jolie argument that reads like dialogue from Home and Away. Hell, when Angelina gave birth in Namibia, they even had Namibian Insiders. The CIA doesn't have a global network as sophisticated as NW's posse of insiders.

But while made-up quotes from made-up fights are my favourite part of the crappytrashmags, everybody buys them for the pictures. And because my blog needed more boobs, that's what I'm bringing today. But I'm just not going to post hot pics of Britney before she got knocked up and devoured the entire Dominos menu, cause that's too blatant. Instead, I will put the hot pictures inbetween pictures of how the celebrity looks today, to make some deep comment about the fleeting nature of fame, or some shit like that.

ONTO THE PICS!

Britney before

*Angels singing*

Britney after

Remember when you beat off to her?

And I know she's pregnant or whatever, but come on. She looks like the mum of the hot chick in the before photos who keeps entering her in beauty pageants because she got knocked up when she was eighteen and married some truck driver when she was 20 and now her child is the only thing that reminds her of her childhood where she'd bang truck drivers and get pregnant.

But you know what? I've had an epiphany. Britney looks crappy for a celebrity, but she's not UGLY. She's just made some bad lifestyle choices and got a blind woman to do her eyelashes. And anyway, in terms of a decline, nobody tops our next contestant.

Back in 1996, her name was Sunny. I loved her. She was the hottest chick in wrestling ever. Even hotter than Miss Elizabeth, and she was Macho Man's wife so you knew she was good. Sunny was so hot that when the mailman would deliver my monthly WWF Magazine, and she'd be on the cover, he'd think I was getting porn delivered. And she was wearing clothes! That's how hot she was.

I mean, sweet sassy o massy, look at this

Two reasons for the late 1990's wrestling boom

And now, two drug addictions later...

Is that a roast ham in your pocket,
or do my pores just excrete bacon?

So next time you're thinking of... being..famous. Don't. Cause.. you might get fat.

...




This has been a TommyIsCoolDotCom Community Service Announcement

What Could Have Been...

Sure, this whole Samuel Gordon Stewart thingy has gotten me lots of hits, but it came with a cost. See, my blog turns 1 on Monday the 24th of April, or Anzac Day Eve. The night we all gather around the Anzac tree to sing Anzac carols is the very day my blog reaches a milestone not even I thought it would achieve. Seriously, I figured I'd just pack it in and make a porno site after 3 months. But no, I persevered. You guys persevered. We made beautiful blog music together and I love you all.

And I wanted to lead up to the Blog Birthday (or the 'Blog-iversary') with a little bit of retrospection, a bit of a 'Blog Year In Review', but I bagged out SGS when he did that exact same thing and well, I don't want to look like a hypocrite. It also means I've had to shelve my plans for 'Tommy's Persiflage'.

So, instead, you get this.

See it looks like he doesn't like boobs, which is why it's funny, because there are boobs underneath and he is looking all like 'eww' even though he's married and stuff

All stories of lawyers and ninjas aside, It's time for the Miss America pageant again. Why, I remember being a little girl and getting excited to see the pageant, imagining what it must be like to be a beautiful grown up woman that is admired by millions of people, and later watching it with my sorority sisters and we would pick favorites and make bets and have pillow fights in lingerie.

You can now see the 'favourites' for the Miss America pageant at http://www.missamerica.org/, but let me tell you, the old grey mare? She sure as shit ain't what she used to be. I'm wondering if my memories of the beautiful ladies are totally skewed by innocence and an unprejudiced child-like view of things, or if the women have just gotten so much damn uglier it hurts just to look at them.

So, they aren't all hideous. A few of them might even be considered hot. Maybe. Most of them MIGHT get a free drink if they showed up to a bar on a slow night, but on average they are, well, average.

Gentlemen, meet your contestants...


Miss Alaska - Now, to be quite frank, this woman scares the everloving shit out of me. She's the type that you'd be out with.. she'd whisper to you, 'Come closer... come closer... come closer, darling... I'M GONNA BITE YOUR FACE OFF!!'


Miss Arizona - Wow, it's like what Reese Witherspoon would look like if she, you know, wasn't Reese Witherspoon and had been run over by a truck when she was a child. I hope I am not the only one who after seeing this picture, suddenly started singing, "Who let the dogs outttt?"


Miss Arkansas - Miss Arkansas is clearly the type of woman who thinks that being perky and super-keen can get you through even the worst of situations, and has massive pictures of Condaleeza Rice on her walls so she can pray to them nightly.


Miss California -
'But, honey, I asked you to wake me up after three hours so I could turn the tanning bed off.'
'Now, Frank, I'm sorry, but hurry up, you're going to be late for your Miss America photo shoot.'


Miss District of Columbia - Okay, this is our first semi-rest stop in the endless parade of uggos. If you never go above the neck, things aren't looking too terrible here. God bless the District, it's obvious why Tom Cruise decided to set up Pre-Crime there instead of somewhere crap, like...


Miss Delaware - DELAWARE! That's right, this horrific piece of meat constantly doing the Monster Mash was actually selected as the most excellent example of womanhood to come out of her state this year. They've got to be shipping a heap of radioactive waste through Delaware, or pissing in the water supply or something, because there's some truly terrible shit going down in that gene pool.


Miss New Hampshire - Miss New Hampshire, whose 'Special Talent' category is 'Duuuuuuuh' and her Platform is 'I wush muhself with a raaaaaaag on a stick'. I think she got her nomination at a state fair where the beauty pageant and animal judging events shared the same set of judges and inner beauty went hand in hand with things like wide hips for birthin' and a strong back for occasional plowin'.


Miss Hawaii - To get over those two, here is the delicious Miss Hawaii. I'd like to spit roast her pig. She could put her ring of flowers on my neck. I'd let her [Hawaiian Stereotype] my [Hawaiian Stereotype].


Miss Idaho - This woman is notable simply for the fact that her forehead is slowly melting down past her eyebrows. By the time the finals come around, she'll be touching brow to nose, baby.


Miss Illinois - Surely all women over the age of 40 are banned from this competition. As well as all cast and crew from the Sopranos. Well, apparently not.


Miss Indiana - Miss Indiana, whose Special Talent category is 'Using my breasts to get ahead in life'. I think that if my best friend showed me this photo and told me that was his new girlfriend, I would be forced to do the following: 'Mmmmm.. hmmm' *Nod head slowly*


Miss Iowa - So here's our third rest stop, Miss Iowa, who's as cute as the buttons that will be flying off her shirt as I give her a rough dose of surprise sex in the back of my van.


Miss Kansas - Miss Kansas? Well it looks like when that Wizard of Oz tornado came through she copped a big plank of wood straight to the face. We're not in Kansas any more, Toto, we're in the Intensive Care clinic preparing for hours of facial reconstructive surgery.


Miss Mexico - It's been a rough year for New Mexico. Their girls can't even tan themselves evenly. What? Excuse me? Goggles are the new look? OK, well, apparently everybody is tanning in their own goggles. It's obviously why she's up for Miss America. Get with the times, man.


Miss Minnesota - What the hell is wrong with this competition? Is it a coincidence that every single girl in the pageant has a nose that casts a shadow that long or cheekbones that could be used for harvesting wheat? Does anyone like gum? Cause I'm guessing this girl has plenty.


Miss Missippi - This girl's special talent is 'Looking as much as possible like that underage chick from the Gilmore Girls'. I don't want to bag her out too much because she's a small window of hope in the cess pool of this competition.


Miss Montana - Not only does this chick look like she's half drunk, it looks like they took an almost attractive chick, grabbed her by the hands and feet, and stretched her until they had this monstrosity.


Miss Nebraska - Wow, it looks like that hot chick from the Drew Carey show. Actually, wait, it looks like she ate that hot chick from the Drew Carey show.


Miss Nevada - And here we are. The piece de resistance of Miss America, 2006. There are no words for this. Just point and laugh, then move on.


Miss Ohio - Ohio? More like OhHellNo! Am I right, guys?


Miss Texas - Miss Texas, whose Special Talent is sleeping around, and whose future involves being a trophy wife for some alcoholic rancher.


Miss Vermont - Miss Vermont, also title holder of the 2005 Miss Frumpy Competition and whose sister is coincidentally a horrible fashion stylist, working for Miss Vermont herself!


Miss Virginia - Oh god. Here's your winner, folks. This is going to be an easier victory than the time I challenged that retarded kid to checkers and struck him repeatedly around the head whenever he started to win. The only thing is the name of her state? Virginia? Yeah right, and I'm humping Donald Trump.


Miss Wyoming - Look at that nose. It puts Paris Hilton to shame. How convenient, though, you can slice, dice and julienne vegetables with it. If you ever head over to Miss Wyoming's house and she's slamming her head repeatedly into a chopping board, don't be worried, she's just fixing herself a cool, refreshing snack.

The worst part about all this, aside from the faces on some of those mutants, is that Norway are sitting back, laughing. Do we get the Miss Norway competition televised here? Fuck no. We only get the American Skank Parade. Check out what some of those Norwegian bastards are dealing with :




Damn this war, Muckrakers, they've taken me house!