Cadbury Creme Egg - The chocolate so good, it doesn't need an 'a'.

Today is Easter, or at least the pre-Easter hype day, where we run down the team listings and vital statistics for the main event.



And for better or for worse, the drawcard of Easter for a large chunk of people isn't celebrating the ressurection of Jesus, it's chocolate. So today's blog is for you folks. The kind who bite into a nice, juicy steak on Easter Friday, and watch the Sunday footy while gorging themselves on Cadbury.

And what personifies Easter, if not The Cadbury Creme Egg. It starts hitting stores around January, and doesn't leave till about May. It is the pinnacle of all things Easter. You know the guy next to Jesus on the crosses? His last name was Cremegg. True story.

The Creme Egg is not just the finest Easter chocolate, but one of the greatest chocolates ever. Thick layers of Cadbury, filled with what the wrapping describes as 'fondant', but which we all know is just liquid sugar. And they replicate an egg itself, with a white and a yolk. Though, I hear they just put the yolk in to keep it from looking like sugar semen.

See?

But, even though they're the best Easter chocolate ever, there's something iffy over at Cadbury town. I'll let Wikipedia and star of The Office, B.J Novak, take it away.



On the left (our left, not B.J's), is a Cadbury Creme Egg from 2005. On the right is a Creme Egg from 2007. Notice the difference?

Yes, those Jews over at Cadbury have ruined Easter again.

The size of Cadbury Creme Eggs have dropped 12.3% from their size in 2006. This must not stand. There is no greater issue facing our nation at the moment than the size of Creme Eggs, and I propose a war with Britain until the Cadbury fat cats give us Creme Egg reperations. We must be strong.

I am absolutely not eating a Creme Egg as I type this. That's crazy talk. Fuck you.

For today... today is our Independence Day.... Independence from... not smelling bad. Ok, fine, does anyone else want to do a speech?

On July the 1st, smoking will be banned in NSW pubs and clubs, or something like that. I don't know the details. All I know is, smokers are cunts. All of them. The only smokers that aren't cunts are those who look really cool doing it (see below), or soldiers in a battlefield or somewhere really cold, like Melbourne.

I don't know who this 'ANDA' chick is, but damn if that's not a cool pipe

And so I don't get called out for being a hypocrite, obviously the green stuff is excepted. Actually, all drugs of all kinds. Go for your life. I don't care if you strap up your arm Bauer-style and turn the Castle Hill RSL pokie lounge into a shooting room, as long as it doesn't make my shirts smell, you can inject entire opium fields. The Afghans need money, anyway.

Because essentially, that's what it comes down to. I don't really care how people live their lives. I don't really care that smokers are a multi-billion dollar burden on the health system. But if you make my shirt stink, you're a cunt.

A weak, dopey cunt, I might add, who thinks their meaningless life is so god damned stressful that they need to inhale toxic chemicals and are entitled to blow fumes into my awesome shirt that has a picture of a cartoon woodpecker with his beak stuck in a plank of wood that says 'my pecker is stuck' and i understand the connotation that my dick must get stuck in 'wood' and i don't appreciate you thinking about that while i'm talking about whatever it is i was talking about three lines ago

here, post a pic of an ugly chick to distract them long enough to forget you own a shirt that refers to your dick

And I know the counter-argument, that if we ban smoking we may as well ban junk food, or motorcycles, or asians. To that, I say no. Smokers are cunts. Don't you get it? I've said it like four times. Why ban junk food? Fat people aren't cunts. You fat-cist. Then I laugh cause I made a pun and fat people are funny because they are big and different and do that high-pitched squeal when they laugh.

And now the part where I end the blog with a callback, illustrating my depth of thought and clear, concise writing style

But at least they're not cunts.

nice one

Well, at least you're not Tom Cruise..

I know it's pretty stupid to start an argument with an example from a nutbar in America, but here goes...



And that's today's subjects kiddos. Atheists. The other white people.

For the record, I'm not an atheist. I'm agnostic, which is a nice way of saying I have no clue. But I do think having faith that there is no God is only a tiny bit less intellectually retarded than having faith that there is a God.

Sure, atheist's beliefs are backed up by a little more substantial evidence and a little less magic, but they still make the basic assumption that we as humans can know the answers to the universe. Their answers are just different from the folk who think a wizard did it.

In my opinion, how we got here, how matter was formed out of nothing, is a question nobody can profess to answer. I don't think it will ever be answered. Just like I don't think a kitty cat could understand quantum physics, I don't think humans can ever understand the universe.

he tried :(

But, enough of my disclaimer. See that letter at the top? I get that it's one chick. One crazy, most likely fat chick. But she's not the only one.




Seriously, if I was an atheist, I would curse the being I think doesn't exist right about now. They lose out to MORMONS? I mean, sure, having 7 wives means 7 more votes, but even Christians bag out Mormons! Mormons are to Christians like Britney Spears is to Lindsay Lohan. Even she's like 'Girl, you need some help.'

And while we're there - MUSLIMS? And this is in America! They get blown up by Muslims! Repeatedly!

The average American voter would put a burqa over Lady Liberty before they let a guy who thinks that whole 'walking on water' thing sounds a bit suss have control of the nuclear arsenal! At least he can work on fucking Sunday! That's 1/7th more work!

But hey, at least they beat Scientologists. By three percent. You know what three percent is? In the margin of error.

This poll says that Americans would be three percent away from a war with Xenu before they even contemplated letting Joe Atheist sit behind the big desk.

Though, I gotta say, having 'Atheist' as his last name probably wouldn't help the campaign much. I'd change it to something more acceptable, like 'Jesus', or 'Obama'.



But it's not just in polls. In America, eight states have still yet to remove (un-enforcable) clauses in their constitution that prohibit atheists from running for political office. And you don't even wanna know what they do to witches.

It's a lot better in Australia though, where prominent politicians have publicly declared that they're pagan bastards.

Like Mark Latham.

Ok, that was a bad example.

Especially because his eventual successor, Kevin Rudd devoted some of his first media to some boring shit about the origins of liberal Christianity.


Now for the bit where I make my point


I don't like the idea that atheists, people who, on the whole, put their faith in cold hard facts and rely on emperical evidence to make their judgements, are marginalised in society.

I don't like that in the last U.S Congress, there were 0 atheists, yet 1 former KKK member, 1 pedo, at least 3 known alcoholics and a guy who thought Bill Clinton tried to assassinate him are currently making policy that affects the entire world.

Maybe rather than excluding atheists from the democratic process, Christians and Jews and Muslims should do more to include them. Because I'm sure in between the bits about atheists burning in eternal hellfire while 69'ing Saddam Hussein, the good books say to love thy neighbour.

And maybe the religious folk should do more to isolate the nutbars like we saw in the first letter. Maybe then religion would have a better image, nobody would be an atheist, and our streets would finally be crime free.

But, until then, I guess we're stuck with this for a while...

If I wasn't going to hell already, I think this pic just sealed it.

1 versus 100 versus The Rich List versus Good Shows

Monday night saw the pre-ratings season season kick off on free-to-air telly, with the premiere of Seven's new expensive quiz show The Rich List, and Nine's new expensive quiz show 1vs100. A two hour block of annoying television. So what did I do?

I watched it.

Well, enough to bitch about it.

With mates though, so it was cool. Like watching Antiques Roadshow with your mates. Watching it alone makes you a 50-year old woman, or someone with a fetish for bad English cardigans. But watching with friends turns Antique Roadshow into something cool, like 24, or Lost, or Antiques Roadshow.

So, the quiz shows. 1vs100 rated its socks off, and for good reason. It has gimmicks. Lots of them. A giant wall of 100 people ('The Mob'), answering the same questions as the contestant ('The One'), presided over by Eddie McGuire ('The Dickhead'). Don't get much better than that.



It seems pretty easy for The One to win cash, they just have to answer more questions right than any number of the mob. That didn't stop the first contestant from having a sweat patch the size of the Gulf of Carpentaria, though.

And while we're at it, since when did Eddie McGuire turn into Vince McMahon? He's the CEO of the company, but he chucks himself on the air as much as possible. Next week, he'll make the that blonde guy from Getaway fight The Undertaker.

I'm sorry Nature Boy Ric Flair, but we won't find
the answer out until after this break.

But both shows share one feature. No, not dicky hosts. I like Andrew O'Keefe. He's old school. No, both shows had something that plagues every prime-time quiz show.

The contestants.

Not them personally, but how they answer questions. It's not just:

Eddie: What is the capital of Spain?

Dicky Contestant: Mexico

Eddie: Wrong

They go...

Eddie: What is the capital of Spain?

Dicky Contestant: Well Eddie, my father was actually born in Adelaide..

Eddie: Oh, is that right?

Dicky Contestant: Yes, and he had a dog, it was a cocker spaniel.

*Crowd laughs*

Dicky Contestant: And then my mother was murdered by a guy from Spain.

*Eddie laughs*

Dicky Contestant: So I'll lock in B, Mexico.

Obviously, that's a fake transcript (his mother was actually raped), but you get the drift.

I actually think that's how you get on these shows. If the casting director asks you your name, and you take four minutes to answer, including a two-minute soliloquy about Aboriginal Reconciliation - you're in.

Actually, on second thought, don't mind me. I'm still pissed I didn't get selected for Australia's Brainiest Kid.

He Was In Ninja Turtles 2

The New South Wales Police Commissioner has added his voice to growing fears about the most potent amphetamine to hit Australian streets, Ice.

He's warning that it could claim a generation of young people.

Ken Moroney has named Ice ahead of terrorism and race issues as the greatest challenge facing the New South Wales Police.

ABC News

I don't want to sound like one of those dicks that thinks they're smarter than the Cops, but no. I know people have addictive personalities, and that Ice is just the next drug up for a few people, and that it's evil and its hard to kick and the side-effects are crazy bad, but so does everyone. Which makes anyone who uses it a dumb fuck.

So no, Mr Commish, it's not going to claim 'a generation of young people', it's going to claim 'a generation of dumb fucks'.

Stop, collaborate and listen

Acting like people are powerless to resist their addiction, who get 'claimed' by drugs, turns them into victims when they're not. The victims are the families who have to look after them, the taxpayers who have to pay for their care, the innocents who get mugged or beaten by Ice addicts.

This is the same argument they used for fat people (oh, it's genetic, oh, they have to eat 12 cheeseburgers because their mother was fat), and look where that got us. On a one-way ticket to THIS.

shh... the beanbag has a face

I should be Commissioner.


Then I could speak to Batman. With a red phone.


I should definitely be Commissioner.