Haneef

I can't say I've been following this Mohamed Hanfeef story. I can only give so much attention to Indians at once, and my quota was filled by The Great Khali becoming the World Champion on Smackdown. But Haneef's case raises a wider point. A wider point for me to bitch about.

Even the most blatant Howard supporters (all 3 that are left) will admit that Haneef's case was handled horribly. Whether blame lies at the fault of the police, or the DPP, or the Government, it was a case more poorly constructed than a bridge in Minnesota than a bridge in a completely different location.

Mohamed Haneef

But there are some people who, even if Haneef was proven to be a terrorist scumbag, would have proclaimed his innocence. Haneef could have had blood and plastic explosive smeared on his birth certificate, and they'd have still complained about his arrest.

You know the type. The cliche hippy. The ones who won't complain if an Aussie is wrongfully locked up for murder, but will claim government conspiracy if a Muslim is given a parking fine.

hey'll save their protesting for Israel's treatment of Palestine (the same country that elected Hamas to government), yet will stay quiet when Saddam gasses Kurds, or when the Taliban treats women like Pigs With Benefits, or when Islamic fundamentalists blow up shit.

It's like... I'm glad you have a social conscience, but either bitch at EVERY injustice (and not just the ones involving Americans and Jews), or shut the fuck up.


Thank you.



And God Bless America.

Dear Mr. President, I am writing this letter to your person to describe a wonderfulment opportunity in the country state of Nigeria

I hate Pink. Not the colour. I don't mind the colour, especially when it's bacon. I'm talkin' the singer. I realise she's a pop artist, so we shouldn't really hold her stuff to a very high standard. And I'm not one of those music elitist dickheads, because, after all, I like Bon Jovi.

And my main problem with her isn't so much the music, it's just that it's completely unescapable. I listen only to Triple M, because Triple J shits me and all the other radio stations are for chicks, and even THEY play her.

Cindy Brady: Coke whore

But her latest single 'Dear Mr. President' is a whole other story. You know those really good political songs? Sunday Bloody Sunday? That WIT DER TANKS AND DERR BOMBS AND DERR BOMBS one by The Cranberries? How you knew they were singing about the IRA but it was ok, because it wasn't blatant and the song was good?

This isn't that. This is to political expression what the 'No More Fat Chicks' T-Shirt is to the anorexia debate. Here are some lyrics....

Dear Mr. President,
were you a lonely boy?
are you a lonely boy?
How can you say, no child is left behind?
We're not dumb and we're not blind
They're all sitting in your cells
when you pave the road to hell

'Cell' and 'hell'. 'hind' and 'blind'. 'Boy' and 'boy'. Pink, you are a lyrical genius.

What kind of father would take his own daughter's rights away?
What kind of father might hate his own daugther if she were gay?
I can only imagine what the first lady has to say
You've come a long way, from whiskey and cocaine

Dayymmn, bitch be droppin' bombs. Callback to Bush's druggo days, before he "found Jesus"/"wanted to get elected in America". And rhyming 'say' with 'cocaine', it's brilliant. Because the sounds don't actually rhyme, so it's like you're showing Bush that cocaine is wrong because you're a fucking awful songwriter. Deep.

And my favourite bit...

Let me tell you about hard work
Building a bed out of a cardboard box
Let me tell you about hard work
Hard work, hard work, you don't know nothing about hard work
Hard work, hard work

I'm sure Pink works very hard trying to not rhyme 'box' with 'work'. I'm sure it takes hours to say 'You know what, I think I might say hard work twice in this line'. I'm not so sure it compares with running the world's greatest superpower.

But don't just take my word on the song. Here's a fan's thoughts, from our old friend songmeanings.net.



Yes, PunkRockPrincess44, she certainly does have the balls.

The Virginia Tech Shooting Blogstravaganza - Part 2 - 'Cho: The Softer Side'

Oh Cho. Even when you dress up like a tough guy, you still look like a MySpace emo.



Ok, that mightn't be the original picture ('faggot' was misspelt in the original), but you get the idea. This dude was straight-up weird. He dresses up as Tomb Raider, and doesn't even include the giant tits. And apparently, Cho's 'Hammer-Time' pose is straight from a South Korean movie called 'Oldboy' in English, or 'I Can't Read Gook' in Korean.



But those pictures, the... manifesto of the madman, the portfolio of the psychotic, the.... gallery of the......gaybo aren't the real Cho. The real Cho isn't a bloodthirsty killer, he's an artist. He's a visionary.


He's a playwright.


I give you Cho's screenplay, 'Richard McBeef'. Richard McBeef tells a coming-of-age story about a boy named John, his mother, and his step-dad, the unfortunately named Richard McBeef. Basically, the gimmick is that John hates Richard, calls him all sorts of shit, then Richard snaps and everything goes to hell.

Cho style.

Along with some of Cho's other writings, McBeef's graphic violence saw his teachers recommend Cho for psychological evaluation. Also, this dialogue probably had something to do with it.

JOHN
You ain't my dad and you know it, you Dick.

RICHARD
Come on John. Sit down. We need to have a man-to-man talk.

JOHN
Man-to-man up your ass, bud!

'To be or not to be', 'If you prick me, do I not bleed?' and now... 'Man-to man up your ass, bud!'.

Of course, that's not the best stuff in McBeef. Take the high-drama action scenes, for example.



Richard McBeef, while a useful insight into the violent, disturbed mind of a killer, pales in comparison to Cho's second opus - Mr. Brownstone. Mr. Brownstone is set in a Casino, and...well, is basically just a bunch of kids bitching about their teacher and how they want to murder him.

The first thing that strikes you about Mr. Brownstone is the unique character names.



Seriously, considering your name is Chode Feng Shui, we're going to expect better names for your sicko screenplay fantasies than 'Joe'.

More importantly, did Cho proof-read any of this? Maybe that was his problem. He didn't proofread. A quick second-look at a paragraph like, oh, I dunno, this one about taking a massive shit, and maybe Cho might have realised he was fucked up before he went all Counter-Strike on a college campus.


Rrrrrigghht.


Here's an idea Cho, if you're reading this in some parallel past universe - spare us all the trouble and get yourself a fucking blog.

The Virginia Tech Shooting Blogstravaganza - Part 1

Disclaimer: What happened at the school was a tragedy, which is why the following blogstravaganza will contain no jokes about the victims, the poor girl who was unlucky enough to date a complete fucking psycho, or anything like that. Tommy and Matt do however, reserve the right to insult the shooter, anything he's done or was ever going to do, his entire race, country and anything he's ever believed in.




That is the shooter, twenty-three year old Cho Seung-Hui, pronounced 'Far-King-Ug-Lee'. How round is his head? There are absolutely no corners on that sucker. It's like he's been sanded to make him child safe. He is a native of South Korea, thereby ruining the whole 'we're the good Korea' thing they had going for half a century or so.

sorry guys, but now the smoke monster has to eat you

Details of the nature of the shootings and the exact sequence of events are unclear, even now. However, several eyewitness reports have been coming in from the terrified students who were present during Cho's rampage.

The shooter was "wearing a vest covered in clips was just unloading on their door, going from classroom to classroom … they said it never seemed like it was going to stop and there was just blood all over," Harrison said.

Having these witnesses come forward has proved invaluable to the investigators of the tragedy. If it had been left up to infamous TommyIsCool blogger Matt, I don't think the picture of events would have been nearly as encompassing.

The shooter had "slanty eyes, yellow skin, a triangular hat made out of that woven wood-type stuff, a big stick across his shoulders with two buckets of rice, was in a little midget submarine and was yelling out 'I'm so ronery!'" said Sampson.

Immediately after the shootings, the tragic massacre became politicised. Gun control advocates blamed guns, while the vast American gun lobby blamed Muslims and gays. Some have even gone so far as to say that if more students had been armed that day, lives could have been saved. To which we say...

Ever heard of crossfire, you dumb shits?

Predictably, President Bush has placed himself on the side of the gun lobby, stating that the 2nd amendment to the Constitution, the 'right to bear arms', will not be infringed. Because it's not like America's gun culture is in any way to blame for such a tragedy.

what do you mean 'who is other', i dont know what you're talking about

Speaking of armed students, the flurry of media attention and rapid Googling resulted in a case of mistaken identity. For a few hours, people across the interweb were convinced that this was the LiveJournal of the killer. In their defense, it was pretty hard to tell the difference. He went to Virginia Tech, he had a girlfriend, shitloads of guns and all Asians look the same.

worst. timing. ever.

Sadly for this poor guy, he had to take it upon himself to clear his name, after people left death threats on his phone. Now, we get that this event has obviously made people emotional, but how fucking retarded do you have to be to leave a death threat on the phone of a guy who shot himself?

Unfortunately, as we all know, massacres like this are bound to happen. It appears to just be human nature (as in, instinct, not the shitty band). That's why we used the tried and true (although gimmicky) TommyIsCool Time Machine to go forward 7 years in time and investigate the future of massacres like these. Caution, the following image may disturb some viewers.

SongMeanings.net - Where deaf retards come to post comments

Anyone ever been to SongMeanings.net? It's straight up balla. Like the name suggests, you type in a song, and you get a few dozen fourteen year-old tools telling you why it reminds them of the time their parents divorced.

a screenshot of the site. disregard the porn in the other tab.

Now, obviously it's hard to find gold when you're looking at decent songs. Fans of bands like U2, or Powderfinger aren't going to write shit meanings. You've got to look for the special bands. the Limp Bizkits, the Evanescences, the Green Days, the System of a Downs, the Nelly....s.

Here's what I'm talking about, this meaning from Evanescence's 'My Immortal'...

I cant stop playing this song loud loud loud and with candles and totally losing myself in it. Its relevance to my life is taking my breath away, making me sad and relieving me at the same time. if you've ever loved a narcissist, you will relate to this song. Im addicted to the beauty, the pain of the song. Its so delicate, it makes me weep and introspective.

Yeah, that song totally relieves me too. It also makes me write comments on SongMeanings.net where I change the tense three times in every sentence. And while we're on the soppy songs that make you want to relieve yourself, here's Coldplay's 'Yellow'.

The first time I understood what this song said, I thought it was about his child. Then I thought about my children. The "skin and bones" part reminds me of how children 4 or under are really skinny with round bellies. What really drove it home was the fact that all three of my children had Jaundice when they were a few days old (fairly common) and they looked yellow for about a week after birth.

You know, maybe the song is about his kid. But I'm pretty sure Chris Martin didn't sit down and bang out a best-selling single about jaundice. Unless all of Coldplay's songs are about skin disease, in which case I guess Bittersweet Symphony is about Seborrhoeic dermatitis.

You know the one that takes you to the places where all the veins meet, yeah?

Here's another 'Yellow' meaning, which really just speaks for itself.

Well the name yellow goes along with the lights to me when lights and stars shine they are yellow he is saying that his love makes him shine so its yellow. He explains how he would do anything because his lover is shining too thats why he says every thing about the love is yellow. He would do anything to see her shine

I mentioned U2 earlier, so I thought I'd check out one of their most straightforward songs - 'With Or Without You'. Apparently, the meaning is so ambiguous that it requires 155 comments. And you know how I said U2 fans weren't going to write shit comments?

I first heard this song on an episode of Friends. Completely blew me away, for months I tried to track down the name of it.

...

Because the TWELVE TIMES THAT BONO SAYS 'WITH OR WITHOUT YOU' ISN'T A CLUE ABOUT THE TITLE OF THE FREAKING SONG.

but bono, before we discuss third world debt relief, what's the name of that 'with or without you' song?

Aside from being the theme song to one of the best motion pictures of the 20th century, Seal's 'Kiss From A Rose' is also loved by pussies.

This song really relates to me, I loved this girl so much, I see her in my dreams, Im always thinking about her. Im still thinking about her. Well I told her how I felt about her, and right know im feeling nothing but torns.
This song is really helping me out on my tuff times right now. Im still trying to get over her, but the love I feel for her is still there and doesnt want to go away. Sad thing is that she will probally go out with some smuck that doesnt respect her and just uses her and have NO true feelings!
That what really hits me! Why this girl doesnt realize that I love her. I told her straight up! A mystery unsolved, well atleast its better than not telling her i love her. Because i would of always wondered IF she did liked me... Well I know the truth

Good lord, it's a MySpace poem. I'm feeling nothing but torns for you baby.

holy emo batman, i cant believe our movie theme song was so lame and girly
it truly is diabolical robin... wait...how come your suit has nipples?

'Jeremy' by Pearl Jam is about an abused kid who kills himself in class, a subtle point obviously missed by this commenter.

my brother told me what he says in the chorus, and this song is now officially my favorite song lyrically. I'd like to think of it as a kid going crazy and shooting all the popular kids and kids that abused him at his school. DIE ALL YOU MOTHERFUCKERS WHO'S LAUGHING NOW? YEAH TAKE A FUCKING BULLET IN YOUR MOTHERFUCKING HEAD!!! ok ill stop now

Yes, you motherfuckers. Who is laughing now?

I also like this comment, because it is funny.

Pearl Jam rocks ~ by the way...what is tea bagging?

Nelly has a song called 'Dilemma'. Apparently it did more than make him lots of money. It lifted an entire country.

"Dilemma" cheered up America because honestly, 2002 was a depressing year. America was reeling in from 9/11, a recession made people lose their jobs.

God bless you, Nelly.

an american hero.... and seriously dude the cut on your face has healed by now

And finally, 'Don't Cha' by the Pussycat Dolls.

THIS SONG MAKES ME WANT TO KILL EVERYONE seriously some peoples parents are divorced and this song just encourages it this is a pile of shit wankers. and the people who sing it masturbate with mouldy bananas eww think about the meaning it is horrible. i . want. them. to. die. NOW.

This is the best site ever.

Straight to the Wiki-Keeper - Tommy's Guide To The Other Wikis

I love Wikipedia. It helped me kick ass at uni, and these days, with nothing else to do, it helps me with more important things, like trying to find out what the longest-at-#1 Single of the 90's was when I'm sure it's 'My Heart Goes On' but my mate insists it's 'Pretty Fly For A White Guy' and it turns out we're both wrong and it's 'Gangster's Paradise'.

But some people don't like Wikipedia. Apparently, it's pursuit of objectivity, citations and factual accuracy gets in the way of certain people's beliefs. So, there's rival Wikis, with less stringent criteria. There's my personal favourite - the CreationWiki, which contains entries from a creationist world-view, a view apparently stifled by those godless Wiki moderators.

It's so awesome. Search for 'Agnosticism' and you find a quote from Jesus talking to the Pharisees. Search for 'Dinosaur', and you are informed that it was most likely humans who caused the extinction of dinosaurs by hunting them. As the informed contributer says: perhaps the T-Rex could haved "survived the flood, but they could not survive mankind".

Dude obviously hasn't seen Jurassic Park II. Not even humans with tranquiliser guns and cars could take down the T-Rex, but David slings a few rocks, and bam, he's wiped out an entire species.

Jeff Goldblum, Vince Vaughn and Toby from The West Wing > Noah

Sadly, you have to be approved by the site administrators to edit anything at the CreationWiki, thereby ruining my plan to copy paste Jack Bauer's biography into the entry for Jesus.

But, another Wiki contender is open for vandalism. Meet the Conservapedia, a Wiki for conservatives. Because there's a lack of conservative opinions in the world, with just George Bush, John Howard, Fox News, The Daily Telegraph, Sky, the rest of News Limited, nearly every single paper in Australia, Channel Nine, Talk Radio and the Wall Street Journal.

You can pretty much sum up Conservapedia with one picture. Search for 'Objectivity', and what do you get?

lol faux news!@#

I rest my case.

But it's not beyond saving. It's actually pretty easy to fix Conservapedia. Let me show you. Take John Howard's entry.

more like 'prime ministers needing major improvement', am i rite

Now, all we do is remove the Conservative bias, add a bit of objectivity and...





Perfect.

I call it the "Alan Parson's Project"

THE US wants the world's scientists to develop technology to block sunlight as a last-ditch way to halt global warming.

It says research into techniques such as giant mirrors in space or reflective dust pumped into the atmosphere would be "important insurance" against rising emissions, and has lobbied for such a strategy to be recommended by a UN report on climate change, the first part of which is due out on Friday).

from smh.com.au

Ok, you know the world is fucked when the best plan scientists can come up with to stop our impending doom is a scheme borrowed from the Who Shot Mr Burns? episode of The Simpsons.

A team of Korean animator's impression of the U.S plan

Seriously, we get it. Global warming is going to kill us all.

It's going to sneak into our house at night, turn up the heaters and then unplug our fridge. Then it's going to program our VCR to record episodes of The Gilmore Girls, and then blame it on you so everyone thinks you're a little pansy who watches The Gilmore Girls.

Not that I do, that's just an example.

But wow. You'd think the U.S might try to scale back the whole 'taking over the world' thing. I mean, we all know they're just in Iraq to spread liberty and protect against terrrr, but you're not exactly going to convince the Europeans or the Arabs that you're looking out for the best interests of the world when your big idea to stop global warming sounds like it came straight from the desk of Lex freaking Luthor.

There has never been a better time to use this picture I stole off another site.

No, actually the boy is quite astute, I am trying to kill him

God bless America, home of the super villain.

Is this John Howard's Australia?

I'm not normally one for those blogs where you just copy-paste a disturbing news article and then make a pooncy political statement like 'Is this John Howard's Australia?, but...

The family of a dying man refused a redundancy payment by a Sydney car parts manufacturer says if Prime Minister John Howard is so appalled by his treatment he should change the relevant laws.

John Beaven, 61, has worked for Tristar Steering and Suspension in Sydney for more than 40 years.

He is seriously ill in hospital and his family believe Tristar refused to make a voluntary redundancy payment to him because it knew he was about to die.

Mr Howard has told Macquarie Radio the company has been morally insensitive and he will talk to his new Workplace Relations Minister, Joe Hockey, about the matter today.

But Mr Howard says the company has not broken any laws.

"We will endeavour to persuade the company to alter its position, we can't make it," he said.

"It has applied the letter of the law, I think, insensitively and unfairly and wrongly.

From Your ABC.

Thanks, John. After all, it's always been the constitutional role of the Prime Minister to 'endeavour to persuade' companies. Not to like, make and change laws or anything. I'm sure the Beaven family can take your 'endeavour to persuade' down to Woolies and pick up some groceries with it.

I'm sorry ma'am, but we don't accept half-hearted gestures of compassion

And who is the guy next to you, I thought your husband was in hospital?

If you're not going to do anything about it, if you're not at the very least going to call the company and tell them to pay up, don't pretend you're the Beaven's fairy fucking Godmother because you got asked a loaded question on talkback radio. Why am I typing like John Howard is reading this?

If the company has, as you claimed, wrongly interpreted the law, do something about it. Don't just make sympathetic comments on the John Laws show inbetween segments about Muslims and Lebs. Borrow Janette's ballsack, attach it to your dusty downstairs and kick some ass.

We all know you're going to retire before the next election or get crushed by K-Vampire Butters-Rudd. At least go out doing something good for a dying guy and his family.



Your friend,


Tommy

More like.... Big... Dumb... Out............ Yeah

The Federal Government says the organisers of Sydney's Big Day Out should cancel the event if they are worried about violence, rather than discourage people from displaying the Australian flag.

The organisers of the Big Day Out do not want people to bring the Australian flag to Thursday's concert in Sydney because they are worried it could be used to inflame racial violence.

from your ABC.

Event producer Ken West said the use of flags last year after the Cronulla riots and recent clashes between Serb and Croatian fans at the Australian Open tennis had forced his hand.

"I didn't like the behaviour of last year and we have moved the event from Australia Day this year partly because of the way the flags were used," Mr West said.

"The Australian flag was being used as gang colours. It was racism disguised as patriotism and I'm not going to tolerate it.

from Rupert's Telegraph


There are about 4000 things wrong with this. Isn't it bad enough that The Vines are going to play? Couldn't they have just left it at that?

I mean, obviously there's a fair bit of racial tension down here, especially in the... lesser suburbs of Sydney. And I guess I've never really liked those yobbo Aussies that wear the Australian flag as a cape. But banning the Aussie flag because a bunch of Shire tools beat up some Ay-Rabs? Calling it 'gang colours'? That's not cricket, just like how The Vines aren't musicians.

Bloody Yobbos

Aren't the organisers just fueling racial tension by telling Bruce Smith that he can't wear his Aussie Flag Stubbie Dispensing Hat because some Serbs and Croats fought at the tennis for the 16039th time? When have Serbs and Croats not fought at a sporting event?

Aren't they just giving ownership of the Aussie flag to the rednecked, brown-bashing minority, and taking it away from the law-abiding, silently racist majority?

To use a really bad analogy, this is like telling your teenage daughter she can't wear a slutty dress, then cutting a hole in the back of her jeans. You might think you're doing the right thing, but really, she's just going to get raped from behind.