Straight to the Wiki-Keeper - Tommy's Guide To The Other Wikis

I love Wikipedia. It helped me kick ass at uni, and these days, with nothing else to do, it helps me with more important things, like trying to find out what the longest-at-#1 Single of the 90's was when I'm sure it's 'My Heart Goes On' but my mate insists it's 'Pretty Fly For A White Guy' and it turns out we're both wrong and it's 'Gangster's Paradise'.

But some people don't like Wikipedia. Apparently, it's pursuit of objectivity, citations and factual accuracy gets in the way of certain people's beliefs. So, there's rival Wikis, with less stringent criteria. There's my personal favourite - the CreationWiki, which contains entries from a creationist world-view, a view apparently stifled by those godless Wiki moderators.

It's so awesome. Search for 'Agnosticism' and you find a quote from Jesus talking to the Pharisees. Search for 'Dinosaur', and you are informed that it was most likely humans who caused the extinction of dinosaurs by hunting them. As the informed contributer says: perhaps the T-Rex could haved "survived the flood, but they could not survive mankind".

Dude obviously hasn't seen Jurassic Park II. Not even humans with tranquiliser guns and cars could take down the T-Rex, but David slings a few rocks, and bam, he's wiped out an entire species.

Jeff Goldblum, Vince Vaughn and Toby from The West Wing > Noah

Sadly, you have to be approved by the site administrators to edit anything at the CreationWiki, thereby ruining my plan to copy paste Jack Bauer's biography into the entry for Jesus.

But, another Wiki contender is open for vandalism. Meet the Conservapedia, a Wiki for conservatives. Because there's a lack of conservative opinions in the world, with just George Bush, John Howard, Fox News, The Daily Telegraph, Sky, the rest of News Limited, nearly every single paper in Australia, Channel Nine, Talk Radio and the Wall Street Journal.

You can pretty much sum up Conservapedia with one picture. Search for 'Objectivity', and what do you get?

lol faux news!@#

I rest my case.

But it's not beyond saving. It's actually pretty easy to fix Conservapedia. Let me show you. Take John Howard's entry.

more like 'prime ministers needing major improvement', am i rite

Now, all we do is remove the Conservative bias, add a bit of objectivity and...





Perfect.

Tommy's Guide To Your Future Ruler

What will my readers find more boring than a blog about Aussie Politics? A blog about American Politics! Let's roll!

It's only a few months away from the kick-off of the American Presidential Election season. The Democrats (the Party of Clinton, Gore and Lewinski) and the Republicans (the Party of Bush, Cheney and Vader) will both choose their candidate in two primaries, and then the big vote happens in November 2007. Considering we are, for the forseeable future, America's bitch, I thought it might be useful to look at the contenders, in a little piece I'm going to call....

THE PREZ DISPENSER

Our first candidate is Hillary Rodham Clinton. She keeps her maiden name because she totally got to where she was by her own merits. Totally not riding on the coat-tails/cigars of the coolest President ever.

Pros

• Will get lots of votes from women whose husbands cheat on them
• Married to Bill Clinton
• Probably menopausal, meaning no tense moments at that time of the month with the nuclear launch codes handy
• I'd hit it

Cons

• 40% of the country despise her
• Married to Bill Clinton
• Has a vagina
• Appears to be stuck to a chair

Up next is the front runner for the Republican side, John McCain, who narrowly lost the Republican primary to George Bush in 2000.


Pros

• Strong on national defense
• Experienced, been in public service for decades
• Was a former POW in Vietnam for five and a half years

Cons

• Older than time itself
• Has no neck
• Hugs Bush funny

And I'm never never never letting go :)

Hilary's main rival for the Democratic nod is a young Senator from Illinois, Barack Obama. Obama gave an awesome speech at the 2004 Democratic National Convention and has been touted as a future President since. He is also black.

Pros

• An excellent orator
• Black, but not too black
• Looks and speaks like The Rock

Cons

• His first name rhymes with 'Iraq', his last name rhymes with 'Osama' and his middle name is 'Hussein'
• I'm serious, his middle name is Hussein
• A third of the country can't pronounce President Barack Hussein Obama

On the Republican side, McCain's main rival could be former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani.



Pros

• Became 'America's Mayor' after his steadfast leadership following 9/11
• Cleaned up New York City
• Appeals to Democrats and moderates

Cons

• Is pro-choice, pro-civil unions and pro-gun control, meaning he will struggle to win the Republican nomination due to isolating homophobes, religious nutbars and Charlton Heston
• Married 3 times, had to get a court order to get back inside his house
• This picture:

Only one of them is wearing a wig, and it ain't Rudy

As the former Vice-Presidential candidate to John Kerry in 04, Senator John Edwards is an automatic frontrunner.



Pros

• Folksy Southern Charm
• Smiles like a Kennedy
• Has a young family
• Is from North Carolina, home of 16-time World Heavyweight Champion Ric Flair

Cons

• Speaks like Mr. Ed
• Wife is a little frumpy
• Ric Flair voted for the other guy

Mitt Romney has a funny name. He's also the Governor of Massachussets, and a likely Republican candidate.



Pros

• Governor of a Democratic state, has widespread appeal
• Organised the successful 2002 Winter Olympics
• Has a movie-star jawline

Cons

• Is a Mormon
• Is a Mormon
• Is a Mormon

And finally, the third-party candidate, Goat, from the Oats and Old Cans Party.



Pros

• Appeals to voters in the Mid-West and Southern farming states
• A prominent goats rights activist
• Smarter than current President
• As a recycled joke, helps limit Global Warming

Cons

• None

And there you have it. I think you know where my loyalties will lie come next year.





God Bless America.

Tommy's Guide To Goofy Comic Book Heroes (some jokes by Matt)

As you could probably tell by my blogs about Superman and the X-Men, I'm a bit of a comic book fanboy. When I was little, I used to buy X-Men comics at the newsagent. Years of this led to a growing nerdification, and also gave me a completely misguided view of the female body. Turns out, even if she did use her Phoenix powers, Jean Grey just couldn't support that chest.

her mutant power is lactation

But I always picked my comics carefully. I never much cared for the lesser-stars, I liked the A-Listers. The Batman, the Wolverine, the Spider-Man. Not Superman though. Superman is a dick.

what a dick

The thing with comics is, once you accept that a guy can shoot laser beams from his eyes, or that he can fly, or that all he wears for the protection of his Wilkins and Baldwins is a thin layer of lycra, you can pretty much accept anything. Thor's the son of the Norse God Odin? Sounds good. Daredevil is blind but can use a whip? Why not. Professor X travels to space and falls in love with an alien queen? Sign me up!

And that's where they get you. If you can accept Thor, you can accept another guy named Hercules. Like Spider-Man? Here's Spider-Woman! Oh, and The Incredible Hulk has a cousin, She-Hulk! The superheroes and supervillians just get crappier and goofier, and then it hits you. I just read 34 pages of Wolverine fight a mutant elephant.

Some characters are crappier than the others though, so let's take a look at the worst offenders.


#1 - Squirrel Girl

I had to start with Squirrel Girl. Squirrel Girl, real name WhoGivesAFuck, looks and has the abilities of a squirrel. She can also communicate with squirrels, and commands a small Squirrel Army, that allows her to defeat bad guys like Dr Doom. With squirrels.

Unlike other heroes, Squirrel Girl is based in Milwaukee, a veritable hub of super-villain activity. I know Magneto is always looking to destroy the.... Milwaukee International Clown Hall Of Fame.

...


#2 - Triathlon

Triathlon was a former Olympic track runner, who was given powers stolen from another superhero with a goofy name, 3-D Man. He has 3 times the physical ability of normal men with better names. Triathlon? Come on. What's his arch-enemy? Soccer?

Triathlon is the fiftieth member of super-hero group The Avengers, home to Captain America, Iron Man and 47 other superheroes not named after a fucking athletic event.


#3 - Doorman

Real name DeMarr Davis, from which 'Doorman' is an improvement, this hero has the power to create portals ('doors') through the space-time continuum. Doorman does all the work actual super-heroes are too busy for, like saving dogs from cars and being generally useless.




#4 - Stingray

Actually, this is a pretty cool name, but I just wanted to say :

Real Name: Walter Newell.
Powers: Superhuman strength and water breathing.
Arch-Enemies: Steve Irwin.


#5 - Bushmaster




Hahahahahahahahaha

He has no legs!

Aahaha


#6 - Mongoose

Real Name: None, he's actually a freaking Mongoose.

Mongoose was a real Mongoose who got genetically messed with by a baddy named The High Evolutionary. This turned him from a cute, cat-like carnivore, into a 6 foot black man in a furry suit with no neck.

I'm going to assume his powers are being a natural predator to snakes, and also the power to kill the bastard that gave him the suit.


#7 - Mammomax

Oh, you thought I was joking about the mutant elephant? Mammomax is a mutant, much like any of the X-Men, with the mutant power of looking like an elephant. And you thought the Mongoose had it tough.





#8 - The Mathemanic

Real name Thomas Sorenson, the Mathemanic is not only a mathematical genius, he also has the ability to overload an enemy's brain by psychically projecting complex equations. Back at school, this was known as 'homework'.

The Mathemanic also has the ability to look like part of a 1980's hair band. While he normally works alone, the Mathemanic is a member of the super-villain team 'Bon Jovi'.



And there's your Top 8. Notable exclusions included Hindsight Lad, The Phone Ranger, Batroc The Leaper and The Incredible Gaybo. Maybe next time, guys.

Tommy's Guide To The Wankers

If you haven't heard of the DVD floating around from a Melbourne school, that shows a young girl blowing a few guys (consensually) before getting her hair set on fire (non-consensually) and being pee'd on by the guys afterwards (presumably to put out the fire), well... you're probably reading about important things. But here's a clip of the video from Today Tonight anyway.

Now, there's nothing Aussies love more than a witch-hunt, so the alleged MySpace addresses of the boys starring in the DVD have been bouncing around the net. And coincidentally, there's nothing I love more than taking the piss out of MySpaces.

I'm writing this on Thursday because I have a feeling they might get taken down or made private soon. So, I took lots of pictures.

(Ten minutes after Tommy wrote that line, the MySpaces were all deleted. Tommy then predicted that he would receive a lapdance from Elisha Cuthbert. That prediction is still pending.)

There's three MySpaces to take apart - Boofa, Eman and Angelini. Yes, those are boys names.

Let's take them in order of dickery. Here's Boofa's MySpace.

can you find the hidden message? clue: it's 'bang'

And here's his message to us all.



To which his friend, and alleged video co-star Eman replied...




To which the English language replied...




Let's take a look at the third alleged (notice how I keep saying alleged? That's because I can't afford a lawyer) video star, Angelini.

big text, for a big wanker

His MySpace seems pretty harmless, as long as you ignore this picture in his photo album.

dude where's my balls?

That's Boofa from before, on the right, in the world's tightest jeans. Seriously, how did he even get his dick out to pee on the girl? Does he have a catheter? Is that what's made the wet spot?

I also love this comment on Angelini's MySpace :


How was my weekend? Oh. Pretty good. Just stole a girl's clothes and threw them into the Werribee River, then we set her hair on fire with an aerosol can. Wanna go see a movie?

Here's a comment from Angelini himself on another friend's MySpace.

angelini posing with a bottle of galliano/giant glass dildo

In light of the fact he wants to 'shit in ur fukin mouf kunt lol', I reckon the girl got off pretty lightly with just a golden shower.

But enough about Angelini, let's go back to Eman for a moment. Short for Emanuelle. Here's his profile.

hey dude let's take a photo for your myspace doing Blue Steel, nobody's ever thought of that before

And here's his interests.

And if that's photo didn't convince you that he's a bit off, he's got a raging one for Ricky Muscat from Idol. Who is a guy. And can't even sing. What a homo. Dean is much hotter.

In most cases, the worst thing about these sites isn't their dicky profiles or love for male Idols. It's the fact they have so many hot, 16-year old girls wanting to bone them even AFTER the video was out. Seriously, if you want proof of Beaten Housewive Syndrome, look no further than these two:


Here's an idea Nikki. Next time you try to blame the media for your mates assaulting a girl on video, stop looking so damn hot. Seriously, you're like a pseudo-Asian Holly Valance and I just can't bring myself to insult you for your fucked-up comment, you stupid slut oh there we go I did it.

But as I look through these now-deleted MySpaces, I kinda feel a bit of sympathy for these guys. After all, I don't really know if they were the ones who did the dodgy deeds. And while standing around watching a chick get her hair set on fire is still just as horrible, maybe these guys aren't entirely to blame.

After all, children are the product of society. 16 year olds who wear blue pants so tight they restrict blood flow to the schlong, which they then use to pee on a chick, are still 16 year-olds. They're impressionable. They see videos on YouTube, Jackass on TV and German porn on their computers and think, hey, that's pretty cool. Maybe these guys are the real victims.

Or, maybe they're just a bunch of wankers.

Yeah.

They're wankers.


I'll let Dani, a commenter on Eman's MySpace, take us out.



Yes Dani. I hope in they all get a bruise. Peace out.

UPDATE 31/10 - You can check out the archived versions of the Wanker's MySpace's here!

Bushfires - The Silent Killers

Let me start out by saying that Bushfires aren't funny. In fact, if you Google 'Bushfire Comedy', all you get is this YouTube video of a guy shooting a firework near his crotch. And while that video is funny, it really has nothing to do with Bushfires, unless he set his pubes alight. In which case, Bushfires are fucking hilarious.

Not even Groucho Marx glasses can make bushfires funny

My favourite thing about Bushfires (what) is that the media act like they're some big surprise. Like living in an arid country with 40+ degree summer days and houses parked alongside national parks with gutters choc-full of dry vegetation is a recipe for snowstorms or something.

Then there's always the guy whose backyard is a bigger fire hazard than a chemical factory in an action movie, talking about how 'he never thought it would happen in [suburb]', or the news reader talking about how the fire 'took this small town by surprise', like it sneaked up at night in a black Tarago with camo paint on its face.

Bushfires suck, but they sure do look pretty

There are three certainties in Australian summers.

1. Cricket being on way too much. Come on folks, I can't be the only person who, upon hearing terrorists wanted to poison the Ashes teams, thought 'Hmm....'. Can I get an amen? No? Stop typing?

2. Bushfires. If you live in New South Wales, another certainty is Rural Fire Service Commissioner Phil Koperberg being on every television news broadcast every night. Seriously, that dude is on more boxes than Colin Farrel.

3. Everybody talking about how wonderful those 'Elvis' fire fighting helicopters are.

Koperberg snacks on his favourite treat - Glasses

Bushfire Season on TV is like the Bathurst 1000. You could replay last years, and nobody would notice. Well, except the bits when they cut to Peter Brock in the crowd. You'd probably have to edit them out.

Now, I don't want you to think I'm just bitching and making poor-taste jokes about Brockie. I have solutions. Without further ado, Tommy's Seven-Point Guide To The Bushfire Season. Why seven? And why are only three funny? How about you stop asking questions?

1. Don't live near a national park. If you like nature so much, why don't you fuck off?
2. Make friends with firefighters. Put them in your MySpace 'Top 8', so they know you think they're cool.
3. Start random fires near your neighbour's houses during the colder months, in order to make sure they know what to do come summer.
4. Jetpacks.
5. Put asbestos in your family's breakfast cereal. That way, your insides are flame retardent.
6. Collect and cage rare native animals. When the bushfire comes, throw them at the fire as a sacrifice, so the fire knows you respect it.
7. Live near Phil Koperberg (NSW Residents only)

Thanks for reading, and remember - if your house burns down this summer, send me a guest blog.

It's just coming up on Spring here, which means over in America it's coming up on the Fall, because they like to name seasons after intransitive verbs. And that means it's time for the To Drop or Come Down Freely Under The Influence Of Gravity TV Season!

And TV ROCKS!

The Fall sees the premiere of all the new shows, and the return of all the old shows. It's like one giant party, and all your favourite characters are there. Locke from Lost and Dr. House are having the coolest conversation ever, all the people from Law and Order are having a game of snooker, and Jack Bauer is beating the shit out of that Horatio cock from C.S.I: Miami. But, this party is a little crowded. For every Lost, there's an N.C.I.S. For every 24, a How I Met Your Mother.

So, let Tommy cut through the crap and take you on a journey through the very best shows you will be downloading in the next few months...


Returning Shows


The Unit

Starring Dennis Haysbert (Palmer from 24), The Unit hasn't yet aired in Australia, but should be on Channel Seven very soonish. It's about a group of special forces soldiers, their wives at home and the foreign-looking people they kill. The action scenes are awesome, and even the plots involving their ladies back home are pretty sweet. Mainly because the T-1000 from Terminator 2 is banging one of the soldier's wives. Have you seen this show?


Psyched Factor: 8/10


Lost

Season 2 of Lost didn't end on a cliffhanger so much as a blank, confused stare. Though it was way more satisfying than the 'People looking down a hatch' end of Season 1, it left you with more questions than a Trivial Pursuit air-drop. Are Michael and Walt ever coming back? Did Eko, Desmond and Locke survive the Hatch Explosion? The answers to those questions, and plenty more, will be revealed now. Only Walt, and yes, they're alive. LOL SPOILED

But srsly, this season of Lost features new castmembers, more romance and a whole lot less Ana-Lucia, so it's gotta be good. I'm very aroused.

Psyched Factor: 9/10


Prison Break

Prison Break ended huge last season, with the escapees being pursued by cops, dogs, cars and helicopters. Apparently, this season starts a few hours after the end of the finale, so you'd figure they got away. The bitch Vice-President got promoted, there's a new character trying to find Schofield and the escapees, and Haywire stole a kid's bike. Because they're... not actually in prison anymore, the show has been renamed Prison Break: Manhunt. Makes more sense than Season 2's original title - Prison Break: We Didn't Think This Show Would Last More Than A Season.


Psyched Factor: 7/10


South Park

Just for the reason that while South Park has been on hiatus, Tom Cruise had a baby, Mel Gibson blamed the Jews for wars and the JonBenet Ramsay case got a new twist (turns out it wasn't a Puerto Rican), this season has more material than a Spotlight store. So hot.




Psyched Factor: 7/10


New Shows


Heroes

A total eclipse shrouds the earth, and gives a bunch of people super-powers. A hot chick becomes invulnerable, an artist finds out he can see the future, a beat cop develops telepathy, and a Japanese guy can stop time, yet still can't drive very well. It has a hint of Lost about it, with a big, varied cast and lots of supernatural stuff. As long as nobody jumps into a cape straight away, it should be a good show, especially when all the new heroes get together and form a hero alliance and battle dinosaurs.

Has an all-star cast, including household names like Sendhil Ramamurthy, Noah Gray-Cabey and Hayden Panettiere. I guess the casting director didn't get super powers. BAM!

Psyched Factor: 7/10


The Vanished

A creepy thriller from the creator of CSI about Sara Collins, the wife of an American Senator who vanishes while at a public function. Who took her? Why did they take her, a woman with seemingly no enemies? Was it the Terminator, sent back in time to apprehend Sara Conner, but he wrote the name on his hand in ink and it smudged so he took Sara Collins instead? Why have I made two Terminator references in one blog?

Apparently, there are hints of a Freemason conspiracy, and based on the accompanying picture - explosions.

Psyched Factor: 6/10


Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip

From Aaron Sorkin, the guy who made The West Wing. Has Chandler from Friends. Is about a sketch comedy show. If you didn't immediately want to watch this show after I said 'From the guy who made The West Wing', die in a fire.





Psyched Factor: 8/10


Jericho

Out of the entire bunch, Jericho should be of most interest to us Aussies because Channel Ten is going to air it on the same day as CBS in America. Meaning you don't have to put up with a six-month wait and hearing your annoying mate go on and on about how awesome this new Jericho show he downloaded was. Hell, you could kill him right now and nobody would know.

Jericho tells the story of a small, peaceful Kansas town, plunged into chaos following a nuclear explosion in the distance. With the power and communication lines down, the town's residents are forced to wonder if they're the only Americans alive, and if so, who will bomb the Middle East now? Stars Skeet Ulrich, the PG-13-Rated boyfriend from Scream who turned out to be a psycho.

Not the one who said 'Liver Alone!', the other one.

The hot one.

Psyched Factor: 7/10



That's just a hand-picked sample of the most interesting shows. There's also a TV version of Friday Night Lights, a new season of the greatest reality show ever Hogan Knows Best, and of course - WWE Smackdown.


Enjoy your Fall, I hope you don't get HURT


RO-FALL-MAO!@#

POKE-HER

I've posted about poker before on the blog, but everything is good for a second time around. Except, of course, victims of rape.


Let's try that again


I've posted about poker before on the blog, but everything is good for a second time around. Except, of course, ____________.

On a side note, what's the go with how I always start off blogs by talking about the blog, or previous blogs? It's all self-referential up in your grill. I'm so post-modern.

But back to poker. It's awesome. I love poker because it shows a lot about a person's character. A game of poker is not just a fun way to pass time, it's a complex relationship between two or more people. In a way, I'd compare poker to a marriage. It starts off fun, only lasts a little while, then you have to give someone all your money. Trust me, I know - just listen to my ex-wife.




Don't let my Guide To Poker fool you - I'm not very good. Some mates and I play pretty damn regularly, and I seem to have gotten worse. Most of the time, that's due to me not noticing something completely obvious to everyone else playing, like a Flush, or a Straight, or the fact that I have no chips left.

I'm not a retard by any stretch of the imagination (if I was, I would have typed DUDREHHHERRRR instead of 'stretch of the imagination'), but I just don't DUDREHHHHERRRR as well as others.

And that's part of the magic of the game. It's not about intelligence, or luck, or anything.

It's about being good at screwing other people over.

It's about remembering that Jimmy put in $200 six hands ago on a Pair of Kings, when he raises to $600 six hands later. It's about noticing the sweat on Johnny's cheek when he goes all-in. Or the way he rubs his nose every time he bluffs. Or the way he looks at you sometimes when your legs brush under the table, and you're not really sure if he really meant it, but you're glad he did it, because sometimes you wonder what would happen if you two were trapped in the bush together and you had to spoon to stay warm. Things like that. Heterosexual things like that.

It's why, if I was an international diplomat rather than an unemployed piece of shit, I would challenge my U.N counterparts to a jolly old game of Texas Hold'Em poker. You could bet Nuclear Disarmament Treaties, or sanctions, or even gold. France would fold all the time, especially if Germany raised. Japan would check-raise (lol pearl harbour). Australia would go all-in and gift all their chips to America. And Amsterdam would be doing lines in the bathroom. It would be so hot.

I also strongly believe it is the only solution to the Israel vs Lebanon and Palestine handicap match. Of course, the Jews run poker, so it would be pretty one-sided.

Hell, I love poker so much, I wrote a haiku about it

All in on a flush
Tommy calls with a high straight
Fuck you dealer man

Beautiful, no? Look at the art that poker inspires. Television shows, blogs, haikus I had to count six times over to get the syllables right. You see anybody writing blogs about Blackjack, or Uno? You think anybody gives a shit about Uno?

THAT'S WHAT POKER DOES TO UNO.

I can't believe you even brought up Uno. Why? Why do you destroy rather than create?

Sorry. Side-tracked. I think it's time to end the blog with one of my patented Final Thoughts. I find that writing down exactly what I'm thinking at a certain time produces some spontaneous, truly insightful commentary. Let's give it a shot.

Achem.

walt disney baby oil reacharound

Yes. Yes, I like that. You are so insightful, post-modern poker Tommy. You're so much better than Uno.

Fuckin' Uno.

Somebody showed me a link to a site called MuslimMatch.com, which as the name suggests, matches Muslims. Like AdultMatchMaker, but if you post a rude name you get stoned to death. So I thought that I'd go undercover, like I did with the Emos in The Wild series, and see what happened. I went about creating a profile.

My name was Abilio, I was 39 years old, 6"0, 215 pounds of pure Muslim stud. Born in Azerbaijan, I lived in Australia, but was willing to 'pay for you to relocate' thanks to the generous salary package I earned as a 'freelance engineer' (read: terrorist). I was very Islamic, to the point where I even considered pets 'Haraam' (the opposite of 'Halal'). My interests included studying the Quran, staying indoors, Qawallis music and Big Brother Friday Night Games. All in all, it took me about 15 minutes to make this hilarious profile, including a few minutes to find some suitable pictures of my fictional Muslim love machine.

Hello lady, would you like to commence the marriagement?

And then I tried looking at my profile. Not only was the profile open to just members of the site, but members had to PAY to see all of it. And trust me, it really wasn't that funny. Unlike Wil Anderson, I don't charge people for my bad jokes.

So, I quit. I suicided bombed my keyboard, and tried to think of something to blog about. Then, an anonymous fairy found this page on the same site. It's the Al-Albaani, the etiquette of a true Muslim marriage. Translated to English, Al-Albaani means 'champagne comedy'. So, let's take a look, in a guide I'm going to call...

TOMMY'S GUIDE TO MUSLIM MARRIAGES
From The 14th Century To Your Bedroom!


After a little hadith action, we read some words straight from the Quran (OMG TERRORIST), then get into the good stuff - the rules. Let's screw convention and start with #1.

1. Kindness toward your wife when you wish to enter into her

It is desirable, when one goes into his wife on his wedding night, to show her kindness, such as presenting her with something to drink, etc.

Now, in Western cultures, spending $20,000 on a wedding and listening to the bitch babble on about colours, dresses and menus is enough to score some wedding night poon. But those Muslims always like to make things more difficult for themselves, so they force another act of kindness before the OHIOHHMMHMHUNFFFFF begins.

And people say Muslims treat their women bad? He gets her a DRINK!

We'll skip the stuff about praying and flip ahead to rule Number 4.

4. What to say at the time of making Love

When a Muslim man is about to enter his wife, he should always say first:

Bismillahi, Allahumma jannibnaa ash-shaitaan, wa jannib
ash-shaitaan maa razaqtanna

[In the name of Allah, O Allah, keep us away from the devil, and keep the devil away from that which You may grant us (ie. offspring).]

Isn't that beautiful? 'Oh Dina, before we consummate our marriage, let me just make sure you're not going to give birth to a demon spawn'. I wonder if the guy says it in a sexy voice too. Like instead of saying 'ash-shaitaan', he says 'ash.......-ssssssshaitannn.....'

5. How he should come to her

It is allowed for a Muslim man to enter his wife in her vagina from any direction he wishes - from behind or from the front. About this Allaah revealed the following verse:

"Your wives are a tilth unto you; so approach your tilth
when or how ye will" [al-Baqarah 2:223]

Yeah, you like that, you dirty little tilth? Yeah, my tilth likes what Daddy gives her. Mmm. First off, the title for that rule is completely misleading. I thought we'd skipped straight to the end, but it's just about the positioning. And wow, look at that. Two positions. It's like the Reader's Digest Kama Sutra.

6. The Prohibition of Sodomy

It is forbidden for a Muslim man to enter his wife in her anus.

So that's why there were no Muslim chicks in any of the videos I downloaded.

8. Bathing is preferable

Uhh... Preferable?

If you live in say, Saudi Arabia, and you've come back from your job in the oil fields and have more body hair than Robin Williams, and you're going to shag a woman who has worked under a burqa all day in an arid desert climate, I think the least both of you could do is RUN A FRIGGING BATH?!

12. Making Tayammum in a state of Janaba instead of Wudhuu'

It is also permissible to make Tayammum sometimes instead of wudhuu' before sleeping. This is based on a hadith of 'Aa'ishah in which she said: "When the Prophet was in a state of janaba and wished to sleep, he used to make wudhuu' or Tayammum."

Ok, I like to think I know a little bit about Islam, and I'm pretty sure that somebody got 'Muslim Rules of Marriage Ettiquette' mixed up with 'Names of Planets In Star Wars'. Cause I'm pretty sure the Death Star blew up Janaba.

Han Solo escapes the destruction of Wudhuu

And after the obligatory picture break - Rule #14.

14. The Prohibition of sex when She is Menstruating

It is forbidden for a Muslim man to have sexual intercourse with his wife when she is menstruating.

They need to be told by freaking Allah?

18. The Lawfulness of Coitus Interruptus

Withdrawl of the penis from the vagina at the time of ejaculation with the purpose of avoiding impregnation. This can be done only with the permission of one's wife).

Coitus Interruptus sounds like a legal term.

'Your honour, my client was unaware of the coitus interruptus precedent at the time he murdered the woman via bukkake'.

'Very well, I find the defendant Superman not guilty.'

21. What he should do the Morning After His Wedding Night

It is desireable for the husband to go to his relatives who came to visit him in his house, on the following morning, to give them greetings and pray for them.

Considering all the other rules have been about how best to bone your Muslim possession/wife, wouldn't that be an akward little conversation?

22. The House must have a Place for Bathing

The married couple must have a place to bathe in their house

:|

And the final one...

23. The Prohibition of Spreading Bedroom Secrets

It is forbidden for either the husband or the wife to spread any of the secrets of their bedroom to anyone outside.

Thereby ruining my planned pilot for Durka Durka Desperate Housewives.


There you have it. So, next time you're in a crowded marketplace in Dubai, and your/his eyes notice your/her pitch-black burqa, while your/her eyes travel slowly down your/his body to the belt full of plastic explosives, and you fall in love at first glance/stoning, you will be prepared. Thanks to me, and MuslimMatch.com.