The Game Changes - SGS enters the Election

It may be the only thing that can stop Rudd-mania running wild across the country, the only thing that the Man Of Steel John Howard is truly scared of. No, not Latham. It's another man. With three first names, and a dog called Nattie.

Yes, Samuel Gordon Stewart is running for parliament, in the Canberra electorate of Fraser. In the time it took for him to announce his candidacy on John Kerr's radio show ('The Boring Old Fuck Variety Hour'), the prospect of a Samuel Gordon Stewart Prime Ministership has risen by over 3000% percent. 3000%. It's science.

So what does this mean for the people of Fraser, and the people of Australia? Let's take a glimpse into the near future, under the stewardship of Prime Minister Gordon Stewart.


Here he is at APEC. If you're wondering why George Bush is there even though his term ends in 2008, that's just because Saddam killed all the Mandelas.






Here's his first interview on Lateline...




And finally, his first sex scandal...




And his second...






You know, Prime Minister Stewart might not be all that bad. We can call him 'PMS', and it would save the taxpayer because he lives in Canberra anyway. I don't know about his policy of federally mandated handjobs for John Laws, but it's no WorkChoices.

And hey, he'd be better than Costello.

Bin Laden's New Video

So, Osama is back with a sequel.

CAIRO, Egypt (AP) - Osama bin Laden will release a new video in the coming days ahead of the sixth anniversary of the Sept. 11 attacks in what would be the first new images of the terror mastermind in nearly three years, al-Qaida's media arm announced Thursday.

I love 'Al Qaeda's Media Arm', just quietly. Call me crazy, but shouldn't they have been blown up by now?

Anyway, now I work in the industry, I have a bit of access that I never had before. I can't show you the video itself, that will be released in a few days by Al Qaeda's Internet Arm and Al Qaeda's Postal Delivery Arm, but here is a screengrab:

Better 100 Biters Go Free..

Some of you may not know this, but I bleed blue and white. No, I do not need a doctor, nor am I a Smurf. Rather, I am a Canterbury Bulldogs supporter. Although I think I am one-eighth Smurf, apparently because my great grandmother had a thing for little people.

In addition to being an accomplished medical practicioner, I am also a keen student of the law and, as Sydney's lebanese community isn't overflowing with lawyers, I have been appointed as Brad Morrin's legal defence (or his legal 'back-rower', if you will) for his upcoming match against the NRL Judiciary.

Brad will front the judiciary wearing a state-of-the-art mouthguard, designed specially for his appearance.

For those of you who aren't au fait with le league de rugby, over the weekend my client, Mr Morrin, joined the ranks of Fuifui 'FootballPlayerFootballPlayer' Moimoi, much-loved Ugandan dictator Idi Amin, perforated former US president John F. Kennedy and half a plane load of Brazillian football hooligans (who were just looking for an excuse, anyway) in succumbing to the sweet, sweet taste of human flesh.

We could be in for some tough times ahead - the Judiciary have an excellent home ground advantage, having won nearly all of their games there this year. From the match report last week, the only reason they lost the game against the Andrew Ryan's was because they were afraid that someone would say the word 'testicles' and gave up before half-time. Below, I have given a list of the legal defences we plan to use in the inevitable clearing of my client; we list them here in the hopes that the Judiciary will read them and become paralysed with fear at the indisputable arguments we present.


Cannibalism has been practiced for centuries, as this picture from the middle ages shows.

The 'Nip/Tuck' Defence:
Everyone knows the phenomenon of Tuckshop-Lady-Arms. As you ask for your 30c Zooper Dooper, the lady in the canteen pulls it out of the freezer, cuts the top off it with a large pair of scissors (sometimes taking too much Zooper Dooper with it which, in this lawyer's opinion, should result in a refund) and reaches over to hand it to you. As she does, the large fold of skin under her arm, which has not seen any muscle or flesh in it for years, begins to ripple. Maybe a kid further down the line sneezes, the wind reaches the dangling skin and shakes it like an infant that won't stop crying. Before you know it, the bat-wing has ruptured and varicose veins are flying, taking kids' eyes out and causing massive structural damage to the building. Morrin was obviously concerned about something similar happening to Tahu and decided to begin the long reconstruction process.

The 'He Was Hungry' Defence:
Rugby League is played flat-out for 80 minutes and you need all the energy you can get. With oranges being discouraged at half-time now, because of lactic acid or something, the fleshy, scrumptious-looking underarm of Tahu must have been irrestistable to almost anybody.


We go before the judiciary with never-before-seen 'Morrin Cam' where we recreate, using MS Paint, what we think Brad saw that day.

The 'He's a Complete and Total Spastic' Defence:
In this defence, we illustrate that Morrin obviously suffers a learning impairment, can't play football and hopefully get him transferred somewhere shithouse, like the Roosters.

Hassling The Heff

Bill Heffernan is a Liberal Senator for NSW, and one of J-Ho's oldest buddies in Parliament. He's also known for doing some pretty outrageous stuff, like calling Justice Michael Kirby a pedo under the cover of parliamentary privilege, or handing out Green Party How-To-Vote cards at the most recent NSW State Election and yelling about how they wanted to give drugs to your kids.

Basically, he's awesome. He's like a nice glass of Mark Latham, aged to perfection. And today, he got in trouble for some more stuff.

yeah, i just shat myself, what are you gunna do about it

First, he said that Priests should be allowed to marry because "Priests, like the rest of us, wake up with a horn at four in the morning."

Considering Heffer is 64, I'm impressed. I also feel sorry for his wife. Speaking of chicks, Heffer's next target wasn't Holy Morning Glories, but a woman whose body could turn a Catholic Priest straight - Julia Gillard.

Heffer said that Julia would never be fit to become Prime Minister because she's "deliberately barren". This leads to a thought more disturbing than a Priest's boner - just exactly how fertile do you have to be to become Prime Minister?






ew.