POKE-HER

I've posted about poker before on the blog, but everything is good for a second time around. Except, of course, victims of rape.


Let's try that again


I've posted about poker before on the blog, but everything is good for a second time around. Except, of course, ____________.

On a side note, what's the go with how I always start off blogs by talking about the blog, or previous blogs? It's all self-referential up in your grill. I'm so post-modern.

But back to poker. It's awesome. I love poker because it shows a lot about a person's character. A game of poker is not just a fun way to pass time, it's a complex relationship between two or more people. In a way, I'd compare poker to a marriage. It starts off fun, only lasts a little while, then you have to give someone all your money. Trust me, I know - just listen to my ex-wife.




Don't let my Guide To Poker fool you - I'm not very good. Some mates and I play pretty damn regularly, and I seem to have gotten worse. Most of the time, that's due to me not noticing something completely obvious to everyone else playing, like a Flush, or a Straight, or the fact that I have no chips left.

I'm not a retard by any stretch of the imagination (if I was, I would have typed DUDREHHHERRRR instead of 'stretch of the imagination'), but I just don't DUDREHHHHERRRR as well as others.

And that's part of the magic of the game. It's not about intelligence, or luck, or anything.

It's about being good at screwing other people over.

It's about remembering that Jimmy put in $200 six hands ago on a Pair of Kings, when he raises to $600 six hands later. It's about noticing the sweat on Johnny's cheek when he goes all-in. Or the way he rubs his nose every time he bluffs. Or the way he looks at you sometimes when your legs brush under the table, and you're not really sure if he really meant it, but you're glad he did it, because sometimes you wonder what would happen if you two were trapped in the bush together and you had to spoon to stay warm. Things like that. Heterosexual things like that.

It's why, if I was an international diplomat rather than an unemployed piece of shit, I would challenge my U.N counterparts to a jolly old game of Texas Hold'Em poker. You could bet Nuclear Disarmament Treaties, or sanctions, or even gold. France would fold all the time, especially if Germany raised. Japan would check-raise (lol pearl harbour). Australia would go all-in and gift all their chips to America. And Amsterdam would be doing lines in the bathroom. It would be so hot.

I also strongly believe it is the only solution to the Israel vs Lebanon and Palestine handicap match. Of course, the Jews run poker, so it would be pretty one-sided.

Hell, I love poker so much, I wrote a haiku about it

All in on a flush
Tommy calls with a high straight
Fuck you dealer man

Beautiful, no? Look at the art that poker inspires. Television shows, blogs, haikus I had to count six times over to get the syllables right. You see anybody writing blogs about Blackjack, or Uno? You think anybody gives a shit about Uno?

THAT'S WHAT POKER DOES TO UNO.

I can't believe you even brought up Uno. Why? Why do you destroy rather than create?

Sorry. Side-tracked. I think it's time to end the blog with one of my patented Final Thoughts. I find that writing down exactly what I'm thinking at a certain time produces some spontaneous, truly insightful commentary. Let's give it a shot.

Achem.

walt disney baby oil reacharound

Yes. Yes, I like that. You are so insightful, post-modern poker Tommy. You're so much better than Uno.

Fuckin' Uno.

Aside from working at Subway, not working at uni and WASTING TIME ON POSTS ABOUT WRESTLING THAT ONLY TWO PEOPLE LIKED, I'm also partial to the odd game of Poker with my mates (and Richie). So because I haven't posted anything in a while and my parole officer is on holidays, here is Tommy's Guide To Poker

Now, if you're holding a Poker night at your house, the first thing you need is chips. And a house. Doors also help, if only to keep the bears out.


grr me have pocket aces

Second of all, you'll need people. Now, if you're going to invite your friends, you need them to conform to particular stereotypes. You need the high-stakes, risk-taking bastard who raises to $500 on a pair of threes while you fold on three of a kind, the play-it-safe pussy who snaps at the end of the game after losing on a pair of kings, the guy who people forget is still playing, the person who doesn't know anything about poker and manages to win six hands in a row, and Jedi Master Qui Gon Jin

If you can't find Qui Gon, 'Lou' from Neighbours will do


lou provides his own drinks and zany money making schemes

Refreshments are essential to a good game of poker. While all I normally serve is ice water, professional tournaments usually serve alcoholic beverages from sponsors. Alternatively, forcing your guests to fight for the only glass of liquid in the house provides cheap entertainment for that boring 10pm-11pm hour. Videos of the fight can also be sold on Ebay to recoup your gambling losses.

By about midnight, you'll want to start winding the game down. You do this by either increasing the blinds (money to play the hand) or introducing minimum bets. A quick game of Russian Roulette between the two players with the lowest chip counts can also speed up a game, but only use this method if you are playing near an open window - disposing of bodies can be tricky, and it will only generate suspicion from your nosy neighbours who won't let me sleep at night because of their stupid table tennis oh yes my revenge will be fast and bloody and oh shit i'm typing what i'm thinking again craig wing baby oil

While players in professional tournaments such as the World Poker Tour have catchy nicknames like 'Unabomber' and 'Moneymaker', do not encourage this practice in your own games. It just creates arguments over who gets the cool names, like 'Max Power' and 'Paul Keating''. If you find it hard to remember other player's names, call them by their distinguishing features, such as Ugly Face, Small Tits or Fatty Boombalata.


sorry fatty, maybe if you lose 20 pounds we will let you take off the hat

Once the game is over, be sure the players receive their winnings, the chips are packed away, and you haven't left any cocaine on Ngu, your 13 year old Vietnamese houseboy. And always remember to put the 'fun' in your game of Poker (please also remember to put the 'P', 'O', 'K', 'E' and 'R' to reduce confusion)