Showing posts with label American Politics. Show all posts
Showing posts with label American Politics. Show all posts

Thursday, February 22

Well, at least you're not Tom Cruise..

I know it's pretty stupid to start an argument with an example from a nutbar in America, but here goes...



And that's today's subjects kiddos. Atheists. The other white people.

For the record, I'm not an atheist. I'm agnostic, which is a nice way of saying I have no clue. But I do think having faith that there is no God is only a tiny bit less intellectually retarded than having faith that there is a God.

Sure, atheist's beliefs are backed up by a little more substantial evidence and a little less magic, but they still make the basic assumption that we as humans can know the answers to the universe. Their answers are just different from the folk who think a wizard did it.

In my opinion, how we got here, how matter was formed out of nothing, is a question nobody can profess to answer. I don't think it will ever be answered. Just like I don't think a kitty cat could understand quantum physics, I don't think humans can ever understand the universe.


he tried :(


But, enough of my disclaimer. See that letter at the top? I get that it's one chick. One crazy, most likely fat chick. But she's not the only one.




Seriously, if I was an atheist, I would curse the being I think doesn't exist right about now. They lose out to MORMONS? I mean, sure, having 7 wives means 7 more votes, but even Christians bag out Mormons! Mormons are to Christians like Britney Spears is to Lindsay Lohan. Even she's like 'Girl, you need some help.'

And while we're there - MUSLIMS? And this is in America! They get blown up by Muslims! Repeatedly!

The average American voter would put a burqa over Lady Liberty before they let a guy who thinks that whole 'walking on water' thing sounds a bit suss have control of the nuclear arsenal! At least he can work on fucking Sunday! That's 1/7th more work!

But hey, at least they beat Scientologists. By three percent. You know what three percent is? In the margin of error.

This poll says that Americans would be three percent away from a war with Xenu before they even contemplated letting Joe Atheist sit behind the big desk.

Though, I gotta say, having 'Atheist' as his last name probably wouldn't help the campaign much. I'd change it to something more acceptable, like 'Jesus', or 'Obama'.



But it's not just in polls. In America, eight states have still yet to remove (un-enforcable) clauses in their constitution that prohibit atheists from running for political office. And you don't even wanna know what they do to witches.

It's a lot better in Australia though, where prominent politicians have publicly declared that they're pagan bastards.

Like Mark Latham.

Ok, that was a bad example.

Especially because his eventual successor, Kevin Rudd devoted some of his first media to some boring shit about the origins of liberal Christianity.


Now for the bit where I make my point



I don't like the idea that atheists, people who, on the whole, put their faith in cold hard facts and rely on emperical evidence to make their judgements, are marginalised in society.

I don't like that in the last U.S Congress, there were 0 atheists, yet 1 former KKK member, 1 pedo, at least 3 known alcoholics and a guy who thought Bill Clinton tried to assassinate him are currently making policy that affects the entire world.

Maybe rather than excluding atheists from the democratic process, Christians and Jews and Muslims should do more to include them. Because I'm sure in between the bits about atheists burning in eternal hellfire while 69'ing Saddam Hussein, the good books say to love thy neighbour.

And maybe the religious folk should do more to isolate the nutbars like we saw in the first letter. Maybe then religion would have a better image, nobody would be an atheist, and our streets would finally be crime free.

But, until then, I guess we're stuck with this for a while...


If I wasn't going to hell already, I think this pic just sealed it.





Friday, December 15

Tommy's Guide To Your Future Ruler

What will my readers find more boring than a blog about Aussie Politics? A blog about American Politics! Let's roll!

It's only a few months away from the kick-off of the American Presidential Election season. The Democrats (the Party of Clinton, Gore and Lewinski) and the Republicans (the Party of Bush, Cheney and Vader) will both choose their candidate in two primaries, and then the big vote happens in November 2007. Considering we are, for the forseeable future, America's bitch, I thought it might be useful to look at the contenders, in a little piece I'm going to call....

THE PREZ DISPENSER


Our first candidate is Hillary Rodham Clinton. She keeps her maiden name because she totally got to where she was by her own merits. Totally not riding on the coat-tails/cigars of the coolest President ever.



Pros
  • Will get lots of votes from women whose husbands cheat on them
  • Married to Bill Clinton
  • Probably menopausal, meaning no tense moments at that time of the month with the nuclear launch codes handy
  • I'd hit it

Cons
  • 40% of the country despise her
  • Married to Bill Clinton
  • Has a vagina
  • Appears to be stuck to a chair

Up next is the front runner for the Republican side, John McCain, who narrowly lost the Republican primary to George Bush in 2000.


Pros
  • Strong on national defense
  • Experienced, been in public service for decades
  • Was a former POW in Vietnam for five and a half years
Cons
  • Older than time itself
  • Has no neck
  • Hugs Bush funny
And I'm never never never letting go :)


Hilary's main rival for the Democratic nod is a young Senator from Illinois, Barack Obama. Obama gave an awesome speech at the 2004 Democratic National Convention and has been touted as a future President since. He is also black.

Pros
  • An excellent orator
  • Black, but not too black
  • Looks and speaks like The Rock
Cons
  • His first name rhymes with 'Iraq', his last name rhymes with 'Osama' and his middle name is 'Hussein'
  • I'm serious, his middle name is Hussein
  • A third of the country can't pronounce President Barack Hussein Obama

On the Republican side, McCain's main rival could be former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani.



Pros
  • Became 'America's Mayor' after his steadfast leadership following 9/11
  • Cleaned up New York City
  • Appeals to Democrats and moderates
Cons
  • Is pro-choice, pro-civil unions and pro-gun control, meaning he will struggle to win the Republican nomination due to isolating homophobes, religious nutbars and Charlton Heston
  • Married 3 times, had to get a court order to get back inside his house
  • This picture:
Only one of them is wearing a wig, and it ain't Rudy


As the former Vice-Presidential candidate to John Kerry in 04, Senator John Edwards is an automatic frontrunner.



Pros
  • Folksy Southern Charm
  • Smiles like a Kennedy
  • Has a young family
  • Is from North Carolina, home of 16-time World Heavyweight Champion Ric Flair

Cons
  • Speaks like Mr. Ed
  • Wife is a little frumpy
  • Ric Flair voted for the other guy

Mitt Romney has a funny name. He's also the Governor of Massachussets, and a likely Republican candidate.



Pros
  • Governor of a Democratic state, has widespread appeal
  • Organised the successful 2002 Winter Olympics
  • Has a movie-star jawline

Cons
  • Is a Mormon
  • Is a Mormon
  • Is a Mormon


And finally, the third-party candidate, Goat, from the Oats and Old Cans Party.



Pros
  • Appeals to voters in the Mid-West and Southern farming states
  • A prominent goats rights activist
  • Smarter than current President
  • As a recycled joke, helps limit Global Warming

Cons
  • None



And there you have it. I think you know where my loyalties will lie come next year.





God Bless America.