ogmgomgogmogmgomgomgomgomg

Nobody told me I could make POLLS

VOTE IN MY POLL!@#


on my poll more like it am i rite


VOTE NOW~!

Continuity

Continuing this week's theme of 'Things Tommy Doesn't Get, and the blog's general theme of 'Shit Blogs On Fridays', I bring you two things I don't really understand.


#1 - A Fall



So, my new neighbours are a nice old retired couple. Top folks. They have a dog like Vincent from Lost, except it doesn't foreshadow death, which is what you really want in a pet. Anyway, the other day the wife neighbour fell over and broke her arm (OR WAS SHE PUSHED?~@!).

Nothing shocking, what with old people and their weak bones and their love of cage fighting. But it was the way I heard the story that got me confused.

It wasn't 'She fell over and broke her arm.' It was 'She had a fall.' You know, 'A Fall'. The thing only old people get. At what age do you go from the past tense to the really past tense? And why do people kind of...whisper when they say it? I don't get it.

Speaking of domestic violence...



#2 - A Choke



If Benoit made his son tap from the Crippler Crossface, his wrestling finisher, this means one of two things.

a) Chris Benoit has a deep appreciation for irony, which I don't get.

or

b) Wrestling is real.


I haven't been this confused since I saw Jack Bauer naked in Season 2 of 24.

I can't compete with the boobs blog, so here's all my worst stuff

Welcome everyone, I trust you all had a great Penises Day on Wednesday.

Today's blog will just be a hodge-podge of stuff, like that NSW Opposition Leader Peter Debnam looks exactly like Frank Spencer from Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em.

betty the cat did a whoopsy in my beret

David Hicks got charged today, for 'providing material support for terrorism'. Fabrics mainly. This is a blow to the Howard Government, and for all the vapid dirty nutbars, who'll need to find another terrorist to protest for.

Finally, this is pretty much the single funniest opening paragraph of a news article ever, at least since the Tsunami.

BETHLEHEM, Pa. - When police entered the office of Nitschmann Middle School Principal John Acerra to arrest him for allegedly selling crystal methamphetamine, they found the 50-year-old educator naked and watching gay pornography with sex toys nearby, sources say.

Now I'm getting all nostalgic for primary school :(

Ving Rhames, not Delroy Lindo

Yo what the fuck man

Tommy says:
i gotta blog today :|
but i dunno what about

Matt says:
getting semen off a computer screen
i know at least one reader/co-blogger who will find it useful

Tommy says:
hahaha

Matt says:
wait
ive got it
we can do a blog
really easily
all we have to do
is have the funniest conversation
ever
:O

Tommy says:
ok i'll start
so i hear anna nicole smith died today

Matt says:
more like anna nicole stiff, right?

Tommy says:
...
this isn't going to work

Matt says:
yes it will just give it time
so how about that astronaut who shits herself whilst driving?

Tommy says:
...
this still isnt going to work
how about a bad joke blog
they're always fun

Matt says:
you mean like your regular blogs?

Tommy says:
:|

Matt says:
what about a massive picture of samuel gordon stewart
with 'pedile' written across it in giant letters

Tommy says:
hahaha
nah
hey, you know what i wanted to do for the blog that i kiboshed because it's too much work

Matt says:
get a job?

Tommy says:
you're a cunt.


*Tommy has left the conversation.




Next Time On Classic Conversations: We promise not to do another one

The New Year's Eve Blog

I apologise for the lack of blog-icity the past few week, things have been so busy with Christmas and the holiday season and killing Gerald Ford that I just couldn't find my motivation, or as the French call it - 'motivation'.

They go up for the 'tion'.

Anyway, I'm required by the terms of my parole to post a New Year's Eve blog. I'm not one of those 'Year In Review' poonces though. I think there's enough shows on television counting down the best moments of every fucking thing ever for me to skip that idea entirely.

So, having ditched the YearInReview, I figure we go topical.

previously, on lost

Topical. Yesterday, Saddam Hussein was hung.

wa wa wee wa!

Haha. I liked that one. Yesterday, Saddam Hussein was hanged.

You can watch the video here, if you're so inclined. You don't see the neck snap or anything, but man... Those Iraqis are LOUD. I'm for the death penalty in places that have it, provided they're not bogan Aussies in Indonesia.

I love the hanging thing, it's like Corn Flakes. Sometimes the simple things in life are often the best.

Oh, and - 'hanged'. It's the only time you're allowed to intentionally screw up your grammar and get away with it. Is 'hung' only a modern word, or did it have the 'giant dick' connotations back in medieval England too? When enemies of the King were 'hung', did people giggle?

And that's where we end the year. A dick joke.

We really should have seen it coming.


.....And we're done.


Happy New Year!

Who says 'nonetheless'?

Seriously, you can talk about all your BS water shortages and banana shortages and droughts and global warming, but the most serious issue facing our nation at the moment is the fact that there's never anything to blog about on Fridays. Seriously, if you rank my blogs by quality, with 'I Like Cats' as #1 and that one REDACTED wrote about whales as #264, Friday blogs would be.... somewhat... disproportionately... near the... bottom of. the list.

A few hours ago I started writing 'Tommy's Guide To Cadbury Chocolate' but, let's face it, that was just one big excuse to insult people who like 'Fruit and Nut'. Maybe use a 'yeah, you fruits do like nuts', but how bad is that? It doesn't even make sense. How can fruit like anything, let alone something they couldn't possibly digest?

Then I read some other blogs for 'inspiration' (like how Wil Anderson looks at my blog for 'inspiration'), and saw that The Road To Surfdom (my #1 place to go when I need an opinion on something I don't understand) had gotten into a deal with news.com.au to publish content there.

So I was going to do a blog about how people offered to buy my blog, and then make a joke about a pedo wanting me to blog with my shirt off. I even had a picture of said pedo lined up, which is actually pretty funny by itself, but I won't show you it because I'm saving it for another Friday when I waste your time blogging about blogs that never actually existed. I mean the premise is ok, but the pedo joke stopped being relevant when I turned 16.

And also when I stopped looking like I was 16 (two weeks ago).

not the picture i was referring to, but a topical joke nonetheless

Finally, I thought, no blog, no ideas - bag out Wil Anderson. So I visited his MySpace. I looked at it for way too long (almost three minutes), and the best I came up with was having a go at him for his description of The Shawshank Redemption, the second best movie ever:

THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION… The best film about male friendship ever made, well, with the possible exception of Brokeback Mountain. I have the poster over my desk with the tagline “Fear can hold you prisoner. Hope can set you free.” It makes me cry every time. (Although so do those sorbent ads with the puppy and the bog roll.)

Brokeback/Gay Joke - check. Useless potty humour - check. Ripping off Tommy by using unecessary brackets - check. Kim Beazley is fat joke -pending analysis.

My blog would be so much easier to write if I was successful. Or even employed. Instead, I'll leave you with a joke I couldn't fit anywhere else this entire week.

So, I hear they turned Pluto into a dwarf planet. Finally, somewhere we can put those little bastards. Those little bastards.




Nope

Shit blog, please forgive me as I do not speak English

I actually have a legitimately interesting blog in the works that involves an interview and all sorts of effort, so forgive me for this TommyIsCoolDotCom Placeholder Blog. Yes, enjoy the ride as Tommy distracts you with meaningless text to distract you from the fact he hasn't written a blog. Stare in wonder as Tommy fills the gap with page breaks, paragraphs and random bolding.

Watch as Tommy fills the rest of the blog with pointless, arbitrary observations, like when he bitches about how on Sky News today, the 10am newsreader had a :) face on when she was reading about a 5-year old girl getting raped at Burwood. And what's the go with how newsreaders try to go for the witty banter between each segment? And how it's completely laced with absolute contempt for one another?

So Jim, looks like we'll need to pack the umbrellas on the weekend.

Sure will Mike, you stupid fuckhead.

Speaking of cliches, I propose a ban on the following phrases:

- Communism is a good idea, in theory
- More people die from car crashes/other meaningless event/ than terrorism, you know.
- It's not so cold once you get in.
- You know, America is partly to blame for 9/11

If you want proof that post-modernism is real and that there is no original thought, try those phrases on for size. I think they'd be said a few thousand times a day, double that in a university food court. Yeah, they might be right, but everytime you hear them said, a little part of you dies

Here is a video of a baby panda sneezing. Just take it and go, please.

It's also my birthday on Saturday, my present from you can be to never speak of this blog again.

“Security, safety and sex are the big concerns,” said Henrik Christensen, a member of the Euron ethics group. How far should robots be allowed to influence people’s lives? How can accidents be avoided? Can deliberate harm be prevented? And what happens if robots turn out to be sexy?


Yes, Henrik Christensen, what IF robots turn out to be sexy?


I'm Tommy, and welcome to Media Watch.

Sorry, always wanted to say that. Ever notice how Media Watch always opens like that? What? Three of you? Lanolin? Awesome. But I'm not here to discuss sex with robots, even though I'd probably shag C3P0.

SAY MY NAME BITCH

NOW SAY IT IN OVER 6 MILLION LANGUAGES


Sorry.

Today's blog topic is Butch Lesbians.

Open your copies of the Herald Sun to page 14.

'Ex-lover warned Renae Lawrence'.

Convicted drug smuggler Renae Lawrence was warned by her ex-lover not to get involved with the Bali Nine ringleader.

.........

Lawrence said her relationship ended just before she was arrested and she has a new Balinese girlfriend who shared her cell.
Lawrence also spoke of her embarrassment when Balinese police thought she was a man.
"One ripped open my shirt and saw that I had a woman's body," she said.
"They thought I was one of the boys. It was very embarrassing for me. He was really shocked and I was totally humiliated."
Lawrence said she had become depressed and made several attempts on her life. "I was at my lowest. I thought my life was over. I wanted to die."

I know she's been given a harsh sentence, and I know she's probably endured all sorts of hardships in a dodgy Indonesian cell, but come on, love.


It's not exactly the cast of Australia's Next Top Model here. The pack of Marlboro ciggies in her hand in the right pic isn't exactly helping her cause either. All she needed was to accessorise with a West Coast wine cooler and a pair of Stubbies and she'd pass for a cleanly-shaved David Boon. And how much does she look like Pacey from Dawson's Creek in the bottom left pic? And just quietly Renae - that whole little Balinese GIRLFRIEND shindig isn't really convincing people you're not a bloke either. I've seen less masculine guys in VB ads.



I had 3 days to write this blog.

No, the blog hasn't shut down, I just haven't been posting because I've been up-chucking my guts for the last few days and didn't want to get second-hand Vegemite toast on my keyboard

A few things to take care of

- NSW WON ORIGIN SUCK THAT YOU BUCK TOOTHED INBREDS, FIRST CYCLONE LARRY TOOK ALL YOUR BANANAS AND NOW CYCLONE BRETT FINCH TOOK GAME 1 FROM YOU AHAHAHA

- X-Men 3 comes out today, perhaps the only thing cooler than the season finale of Lost, which also comes out today

- You have weird half-asleep hallucinations when you're sick and try to doze off. The other night I couldn't sleep because I was convinced my brain looked like this:


As you can see, the brain is divided into two sections. The reason why I couldn't sleep was because I was convinced I had to rotate my second, smaller brain, in order to make the brain-strands connecting the two straighter. Unfortunately I left my Dr Karl Kruszelnicki Home Labotomy Kit upstairs. That went from about 12am-3:30am, where I gave up and just decided to vomit. Then I watched TV for a little while, had a bit more of a chuck and returned to the television to watch Sunrise. And predictably, Kochie made me vomit. Normally only Jessica Rowe does that, so I knew I was really sick.

Anyway, hope you get better Tommy.

Thanks

Have You Forgotten? - A Musical Journey Through 9/11


I like to share, I'm a sharing kinda guy. If I was an old, slightly female singer, my stage name would be Cher. And there has been a severe lack of music stuff on my blog, except for my exclusive interview with Michael Crawford a few years back. God, the things I would do to that man.

So, I thought I'd share with you, my sexy readers, one of my secret musical passions.

No, it's not shitty early 90's ballads by Mr Big and Bad English, it's ultra-patriotic American country music. It's awesome. It was just after TheTragicEventsOfSeptemberTheEleventh that American country music took a turn away from heartfelt lyrics about losing my dog and my wife and damn I really miss that dog, and towards things that actually matter. Redneck country music stars realised they didn't need to sing about driving in their 18-wheeler and slugging back some JD on their way to the monster truck rally where their best friend banged their wife, they could sing about terrorism, and explosions, and WAR! Like Alvin and the Chipmunks, but with less Chinese propaganda.

I first fell in love with this music one night in 2002. I was looking up pictures of Susan Sarandon for my collection, with Fox News blaring in the background, when I heard them cut from their Top Ten Reasons Why President Bush's Shit Doesn't Smell to.... a musical act. On a hard news show. And you thought the boys from The Chaser invented News-tainment. But it wasn't just any musical act, it was American country and western star Darryl Worley. And when he sang, well, it was like at first sight.

Ohhh something something freedom something terrrorrrr

It was a song called 'Have You Forgotten', a heartfelt ballad about TheTragicEventsOfSeptemberTheEleventh. More specifically, about those god damn surrender monkeys who don't think America should make a parking lot out of the Middle East. Here's the lyrics.

I hear people saying we don't need this war
I say there's some things worth fighting for
What about our freedom and this piece of ground?
We didn't get to keep 'em by backing down
They say we don't realize the mess we're getting in
Before you start preaching
Let me ask you this my friend
CHORUS 1
Have you forgotten how it felt that day
To see your homeland under fire
And her people blown away?
Have you forgotten when those towers fell?
We had neighbors still inside
Going through a living hell
And you say we shouldn't worry 'bout Bin Laden
Have you forgotten?
They took all the footage off my T.V.
Said it's too disturbing for you and me
It'll just breed anger that's what the experts say
If it was up to me I'd show it every day
Some say this country's just out looking for a fight
After 9/11 man I'd have to say that's right

CHORUS 1

I've been there with the soldiers
Who've gone away to war
And you can bet they remember
Just what they're fighting for
CHORUS 2
Have you forgotten all the people killed?
Some went down like heroes in that Pennsylvania field
Have you forgotten about our Pentagon?
All the loved ones that we lost
And those left to carry on
Don't you tell me not to worry about Bin Laden
Have you forgotten?
Have you forgotten?
Have you forgotten?

And yes, when he sings it, he rhymes 'Bin Laden' with 'Forgotten'. If you think it's impossible, well you've obviously never heard of the word 'Forgadden'. It's truly magical.
Who needs 'Imagine there's no heaven, it's easy if you try' when the D-Man gives us 'Some say this country's just out lookin' for a fight'. If I was an American flag and heard that lyric, I'd be standing at full mast, if you smell what I'm cooking.
Such a beautiful memorial of the victims of 9/11 too - 'To see your homeland under fire, and her people blown away'. Brings a tear to my eye and a bullet to the M-16 I keep in my garage incase Captain A-Rab and the Eye-Raqis come to rape my wife.
And remember, if you'd like to download this song and don't know how, it's the year 2006 you stupid prick. But, if you don't want to break the law, you can listen to a little clip from Have You Forgotten here. And then you can go back to riding your little girly bike with your Cops Are Tops sticker, you pussy.

Tommy's Bad Jokes News In Review: Wednesday 17th of May

Hey folks, sorry I'm late, I think I must be pregnant



So, did you hear that Rex Hunt got caught paying prostitutes for sex?

I wonder how they reacted when after he was done, he gave them a kiss and threw them back into the ocean?



And I hear the Tassie miners have signed a deal with Channel Nine. I wonder if they'll guest star on any Nine programs. A few more days in the mine without any food and they might have had to guest star in Cold Case!



So John Howard is in America, turns out he and President Bush had a press conference where they praised each other. Yeah, true story. Though it was a little hard for the press to get a good shot of Howard because he was kneeling behind Bush's podium!




So what's the go with abortions anyway?





Thanks you've been great

You'd think the whole rescue of Todd Russell and Brant 'Typo On My Birth Certificate' Webb business would have provided me with a veritable goldmine of material to blog about, but as you can see from that first sentence, the best I could come up with was a bad pun.

I was thinking of doing a little bit of graphical satire by making a diagram of the thick, rocky media deals Brant and Todd will have to dig their way through, but that ended up being stupid. Actually, it was probably stupid from the start. I was going to have a little picture of Naomi Robson with tentacles though, that might have saved it. And I think I've written too much about the news media in the past few weeks, somebody might mistake my blog for Media Watch, and me for whatever dyke hosts that now.

And next, is Batman giving your fat kids kitchen germs?

Then there's the Budget that Peter Costello handed down last night, which was... boring. Having done 11 Budgets in a row, Costello is the only person in Australia who thinks John Wood should have waited longer to get the Gold Logie. Haven't really read enough about the budget to bitch about it, but I'm sure there's something in there I could blog about. So let's pretend there is, and I did, and it was really good and got 12 comments.

What's with those anonymous comment dicks anyway. It's more fun to tool someone if you use a fake name. Like that time I pretended I was a woman and entered the Big Brother house under the name of 'Tilli'.

WE INTERRUPT TOMMYISCOOLDOTCOM'S REGULAR BLOG PROGRAMMING FOR AN URGENT NEWS BULLETIN CONCERNING THE FATE OF THE TRAPPED MINERS IN THE TASMANIAN TOWN OF BEACONFIELD


Do you reckon they watched each other take dumps?

Cause like, they've been down there for a while and it's a small spot and like I know they didn't have much food but still there'd probably be some sort of poop in their system and what did they wipe with and like where would they put it because that would be weird, hey dude don't sit in that half of the collapsed mine because that's where I gave birth to a giant buttsnake and wow it sure would stink down there

Back to you Naomi

See, the problem is, there's only so much to blog about. Especially when you're unemployed ('freelancing'). So normally I scan ABC News to see if there's something to fire up about, like the other week with Beazley's Bastardly Block On Boobies, but there's nada. I don't have any wicked Guides to tv shows on the backburner either, and no guest blogs handy (which, coincidentally, is what I give for guest blogs).

So, instead, I am writing this blog blind. I don't know what I'm going to write about, I'm just going to keep writing and writing until I say something witty or unique. We might be here a while.

And what's the go with 5 comments on each post? I know in saying that somebody is going to think they're funny and make a 6th comment.

I played with a baby the other day, babies are cute

Christ, this is boring. I should hire someone to blog for me. Then I can fire them under Work Choices for a personality clash. LOL. Hilarious Tommy, you've done it again.

I got 1/7 in footy tipping last week

This isn't going as well as I thought, I can't think of anything good to write, so all I'm thinking of now is how shit this blog is and how I should stop

But I can't

Because I haven't blogged in a few days, and considering I don't work or go to uni, I feel an obligation to write something

But is it really worth it, if all I produce is... this rancid sack of turds

I might just swear for a little while, get some cheap laughs

Cockfuckle

Dick marble

Cuntasaurus Rex

...

Nothing. Maybe I need booze. I should have a Breezer, that will get me maggoted so I can be funny

Wow, this is bad. I could have easily blogged about something interesting, yet I chose to do this stream of consciousness arty bullshit hoping it would end up being unique and funny

And you know what, this will get more comments than the 6000 word Guide To Lost. Maybe I should just cut my losses.

Punani.

And now, a TommyIsCoolDotCom stolen joke:


So, you know how some last names originate back to what sort of job your ancestors did? Like Baker, or Butcher, or Smith?

Well, what's the deal with Dickinson?

John Brogden resigned from Parliament yesterday. And I thought it was the policy of the Liberal Party not to 'cut and run'



......




We'll be right back.

I'm currently doing a public relations subject for uni, and as part of the subject we get into groups and design a Public Relations strategy for a real-life company. My group drew the long straw and got to work with Virgin Mobile, while other groups got stuck with dodgy local construction companies and law firms

Suckers

Anyway, I make this post to discuss the sensitive issue of midget rights

You see, we are designing a Christmas campaign for Virgin, and part of this campaign involves some promo people handing out flyers at shopping centres touting our top secret new Virgin product. Now when you think Christmas, you think elves. You think Santa's little helpers.

You think midgets.

Now, I wanted midgets for this part of the campaign. But members of my group don't think it's 'ethical' to 'exploit' midgets for such a purpose. Even if they're getting paid to do it. I don't think it's any different from a television show casting an old person, or an Aboriginal person, or a woman for a certain role. I'm sure there are midgets who make a good living out of being elves, so who are we to deprive them of theoretical money from our theoretical campaign?

I would like to hear your thoughts - if you hire a midget to be one of Santa's little elves, are you exploiting them? Leave a comment. Normal rules apply - if you use your comment to bag out Tommy be sure to make it anonymous because you're a fucking pansy.


A midget being Uncle-Slammed

My quasi-celebrity status grants me a lot of perks. I get to drive in the T2 lanes on busy roads, even though I'm the only person in my car. Free international calls. Extra chicken salt on my chips at Crestwood shops. And when I go to KFC, I get TWO moistened towelettes. But the best part about having a successful internet blog, read by dozens of people, is the fan mail. So what better time than ever to open up the CBS Mai- I mean the TommyIsCoolDotCom MAILBAG!!


Oops I crapped my pants

Doctor doctor, gimme the news I got a bad case of emailing youu

My first letter comes from Mark from Campbelltown. Mark says:

Dear Fucknuckle,

You keep pretending I'm your fucking friend and I'll end you, you little piece of shit.

Mark

Thanks, Mark. My second letter comes from T. Walker of Philadelphia, the header was written in all caps, there's no return address, and it told me how I could make my penis two inches larger so I think it's spam. I deleted it anyway.

HELLO MR TROMLIN,

WOULD YOU LIKE TO PLEASING THE WOMEN? SEND 329.99 IN PARAGUAYAN GUARANI TO THE ADDRESS INCLUDED

LOVE FRIEND,

TOBIAS WALKER

My third letter comes from Commonwealth Bank, my blog seems to be pretty popular there because I always get lots of mail from them:

Mr,

We still have not received complete payment for your currency exchange ($329.99 in PYG Guarani). If we do not receive complete payment by Monday, we will cancel your account.

Sean Phillips
Customer Service Assistant,
Commonwealth Bank Penis Enlargement Payment Division

And finally, the fourth letter I got.

Dear Tommy,

I can't think of a decent way to end this lame mailbag gimmick, so I thought I'd just do a 'Tommy writes a letter to himself' thing so it's all self-referential and people think I'm witty and creative when really I'm only doing this because after the Penis joke I was running dry

Love Tommy

p.s you're hot

end post now

Thought I'd make a post about the Chinese diplomat Chen Yonglin who tried to get political asylum in Australia, because it's actually kind of interesting. I'll let ABC News tell you the important bits:

Downer can grant defector political asylum: lawyer

An immigration lawyer says Foreign Affairs Minister Alexander Downer has the power to grant Chinese diplomat Chen Yonglin political asylum.

Mr Chen says the Immigration Department rejected his application for political asylum, advising him instead to apply for a protection visa.

He has been in hiding, fearing retributions from the Chinese Government, since he defected from his senior post at the Chinese Consulate in Sydney more than a week ago.

He claims his Government has up to 1,000 spies operating in Australia who have been kidnapping Chinese nationals.

http://www.abc.net.au/news/newsitems/200506/s1385007.htm

One THOUSAND Chinese spies in Australia! Sure, half of them are at Sydney Uni doing Actuary degrees, but that's still 500 spies lurking around, keeping tabs on Chinese ex-pats and doing maths homework. The number shocked me so much in fact, that I thought I'd do a little digging around with my contacts in Sydney, and you won't believe what I found.

I have, in my posession, the names of three of the Chinese spies. Sure, I can't pronounce them, but that doesn't matter because it's the INTERNET BABY.

The names are as folloSDKFFLKJDSKFD
DFKMCHERLPOH JESU

SOMEBFODY DINSIDETHEOSUE

THEPHONECALIEISCOMEINGAROFMRINSIDETHEOUSE

HELP
HH



Herro. This is Tommy. I no ronger have names of Chinese spies because there are no Chinese spies. The glorious motherrand has no need for such Western inventions. China is a greaming beacon for the workers of the world, with absolutely no prans to develop nucrear weapons nor to invade Taiwan any time soon. Chinese President Hu Jintao has a massive schrong. It is ridicrously huge. You can trust me because I am Tommy and not a Chinese information anaryst who has knocked him out with a kung-fu chop because all Asians know kung-fu it's science.


Love,


Xhang Ng- Tommy.