Détente is a fancy French word that History teachers use to look smart when they could just use an English word

I'm kind of Jewish when it comes to the War On Terror. I loved the Old Testament (Afghanistan), but I don't really care so much for the sequel. I stole that from some guy. I forget who.

To me, Afghanistan was about as justified a war as you can get these days. It was blowing up people who'd blown up our ally, people who were running one of the most oppressive, fundamentalist regimes since the Howard Government (sorry, it's an election year), and it also helped secure oil for my Corolla. That's three ticks. Four if you count the fact they weren't white.

This is totally what e-mail looks like

But we never really won in Afghanistan. And I think that's a little weak, considering it's not exactly a quagmire over there. You don't have to send soldiers to clear buildings street by street, because there are no buildings. Or streets. Or non-goat transportation.

I'm no 5-Star General, but I do have about 6 years experience watching The West Wing, and I'm pretty sure we could win that war. We could have captured Osama, dressed the Taliban up like Jessica Rabbit and then held a big party in the middle of Kabul. We would eat hot dogs. Britain would bring dip.

So, when I read this, I get a little confused:

The few weeks between the visits to Pakistan of Richard Boucher, the US assistant secretary of state who left last week, and Deputy Secretary of State John Negroponte, who arrives on September 10, could prove crucial in determining the fate of Afghanistan. This is the timeline for secret three-party talks to establish teega (a Pashtu word for a peace deal that resolves a conflict) between the Western coalition forces in Afghanistan (with Pakistan), the Afghan government, and the anti-coalition insurgents of Afghanistan. The first round of talks has already begun in the southwestern Pakistani city of Quetta, Asia Times Online has learned.

Link courtesy of The Road To Surfdom.


In other words, we're negotiating peace with the Taliban. The same Taliban who dress women up like Jawas from Star Wars, the same ignorant religious fuckballs who turned Afghanistan from a rotting shitpool into a rotting shitpool where you can't watch TV or blink on whatever holy day weirdo extremist Muslims have chosen for you.

Afghanistan's hottest two porn stars.

They were later killed.

The World Superpower and Britain and Australia, owners of the baddest mofo SAS troops on the planet, are negotiating with a bunch of guys whose primary mode of attack is 'Pray really hard'. Fuck that. Blow the shit out of them, or hand the Super Power tag over to Russia so they can show you how it's done.

More like Global Boring am i rite folks

The Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change, or the IPCC (I don't like acronyms that you can't pronounce, so I'm going to call it 'Ippic') released their big report last week. It basically said that, with a 90% probability, climate change has been caused by man. And it had some pretty dire predictions about what might happen as a result. Newspapers across the world jumped on the story. The Sydney Morning Herald reported 'World Wakes To Climate Calamity', The Guardian reported 'Worse Than We Thought', and The Daily Telegraph had pictures of Shane Warne pashing his ex.

How I assume global warming is caused

As someone whose knowledge of global warming comes predominantly from Al Gore films, I'm not really going to make a call either way. But it's hard to argue against the 2,500 scientists that contributed to the Ippic Report. But then again, those 2,500 scientists need grant money. And it's a lot easier to get money for your research/Frankstenstein creating schemes if you're saying 'THE WORLD IS GOING TO END AND YOUR CHILDREN WILL MELT' rather than 'YOU MIGHT NEED TO BUY MORE T-SHIRTS'

But then the scientists who argue against man-made climate change have their own agenda too. For some strange reason, these agendas seem to line up perfectly with those of oil companies like Exxon. Weird.

That might also explain why they hand in their reports alongside big canvas bags full of money with the dollar-sign painted on them. And also why I saw this guy attend a climate summit with John Howard:

He's really let himself go

So with so many agendas, with so many third-parties influencing everything, how do we determine the truth? Who can be the voice of reason amongst the cloud of uncertainty? How do we find the way forward?

Well, like always..... We look north.


We look....


To the Baldwin.

All around us are signs of global climate change. And this administration's response is to send in more troops. If you don't think there is a link between the weather and Iraq, you are wrong.

Sold.

Who's on first? YOU.

So, TIME Magazine announced their Person Of The Year. You've probably heard about it. My family has a subscription, so I'm pretty awesome. But after reading the mag, turns out I'm more awesome than I thought. Cause I'm the TIME Person Of The Year. Yep. And you too. In fact, everybody is.

Not this guy though, this guy just stole the magazine.

TIME says it's because of the growth of MySpace and YouTube and blogs, that the collective individual has impacted society, culture and technology more than ever before.

I think it's because they're pussies.

We should have seen it coming. Their first cop-out was in 1969, when they chose 'Middle Americans' as the Man of The Year (they only changed it to 'Person' in 1999, the year scientists discovered the 'woman'). Then, in 1993, they pussed out again and chose the 'Peacemakers' - Mandela, de Klerk, Arafat and Rabin. Wow, those last two sure deserved it. That Middle East Peace Plan worked a treat.

Clinton's first threesome

But it was 2001 when TIME's complete lack of any genitalia became apparent, like when Matt got dacked at a school athletics carnival. By a girl with no hands. And... cystic fibrosis. (Also herpes)

Because in 2001, the year Osama Bin Laden masterminded the most catastrophic terrorist attack since the release of Pauly Shore's Biodome, TIME chose Rudy Giuliani as their Person Of The Year. Don't get me wrong, Rudy was awesome. He was a shining light of hope amidst the rising fog of darkness blah blah terror freedom blah. But you don't choose the guy who REACTED to the world-changing event. When Harry Truman blew the fuck out of Japan they didn't choose Emperor Hirohito, they chose Harry fucking Truman.

A picture of Harry fucking Truman Not a picture of Harry Truman fucking, which would have been difficult to obtain and would have required an awkward phone call to his estate

Since then, it's been girly-bike riding with a basket and a bell central. There were the corporate corruption Whistleblowers in 2002, the American Soldier in 2003, the Good Samaritans (Bono and The Gates) in 2005, and finally - 'You'.

It's BS. Do they even know who they're giving this award to? I mean... I have a blog. Technically, I received the award for writing about SIDE BOOB. Person Of The Year.... Side Boob.... Person Of The Year... Do you get where I'm going with this?

I love the people who made 'My Hands Are Bananas', but come on - Person Of The Year? If all Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad had to do was make a MySpace, maybe he wouldn't have threatened the world with a nuclear Middle East? Maybe good old Kim-Jong il could have just blended an iPod instead of becoming a nuclear despot! MAYBE YOUR STUPID AWARD IS SHIT TIME

YOU CAN FUCKING KEEP IT

I DON'T WANT YOUR PIECE OF CRAP WORTHLESS AWARD




please link to my blog still

Tommy's Guide To Your Future Ruler

What will my readers find more boring than a blog about Aussie Politics? A blog about American Politics! Let's roll!

It's only a few months away from the kick-off of the American Presidential Election season. The Democrats (the Party of Clinton, Gore and Lewinski) and the Republicans (the Party of Bush, Cheney and Vader) will both choose their candidate in two primaries, and then the big vote happens in November 2007. Considering we are, for the forseeable future, America's bitch, I thought it might be useful to look at the contenders, in a little piece I'm going to call....

THE PREZ DISPENSER

Our first candidate is Hillary Rodham Clinton. She keeps her maiden name because she totally got to where she was by her own merits. Totally not riding on the coat-tails/cigars of the coolest President ever.

Pros

• Will get lots of votes from women whose husbands cheat on them
• Married to Bill Clinton
• Probably menopausal, meaning no tense moments at that time of the month with the nuclear launch codes handy
• I'd hit it

Cons

• 40% of the country despise her
• Married to Bill Clinton
• Has a vagina
• Appears to be stuck to a chair

Up next is the front runner for the Republican side, John McCain, who narrowly lost the Republican primary to George Bush in 2000.


Pros

• Strong on national defense
• Experienced, been in public service for decades
• Was a former POW in Vietnam for five and a half years

Cons

• Older than time itself
• Has no neck
• Hugs Bush funny

And I'm never never never letting go :)

Hilary's main rival for the Democratic nod is a young Senator from Illinois, Barack Obama. Obama gave an awesome speech at the 2004 Democratic National Convention and has been touted as a future President since. He is also black.

Pros

• An excellent orator
• Black, but not too black
• Looks and speaks like The Rock

Cons

• His first name rhymes with 'Iraq', his last name rhymes with 'Osama' and his middle name is 'Hussein'
• I'm serious, his middle name is Hussein
• A third of the country can't pronounce President Barack Hussein Obama

On the Republican side, McCain's main rival could be former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani.



Pros

• Became 'America's Mayor' after his steadfast leadership following 9/11
• Cleaned up New York City
• Appeals to Democrats and moderates

Cons

• Is pro-choice, pro-civil unions and pro-gun control, meaning he will struggle to win the Republican nomination due to isolating homophobes, religious nutbars and Charlton Heston
• Married 3 times, had to get a court order to get back inside his house
• This picture:

Only one of them is wearing a wig, and it ain't Rudy

As the former Vice-Presidential candidate to John Kerry in 04, Senator John Edwards is an automatic frontrunner.



Pros

• Folksy Southern Charm
• Smiles like a Kennedy
• Has a young family
• Is from North Carolina, home of 16-time World Heavyweight Champion Ric Flair

Cons

• Speaks like Mr. Ed
• Wife is a little frumpy
• Ric Flair voted for the other guy

Mitt Romney has a funny name. He's also the Governor of Massachussets, and a likely Republican candidate.



Pros

• Governor of a Democratic state, has widespread appeal
• Organised the successful 2002 Winter Olympics
• Has a movie-star jawline

Cons

• Is a Mormon
• Is a Mormon
• Is a Mormon

And finally, the third-party candidate, Goat, from the Oats and Old Cans Party.



Pros

• Appeals to voters in the Mid-West and Southern farming states
• A prominent goats rights activist
• Smarter than current President
• As a recycled joke, helps limit Global Warming

Cons

• None

And there you have it. I think you know where my loyalties will lie come next year.





God Bless America.

Tommy Versus Whiny Bitches Who Lose Elections And Then Bitch About It Like Little Psychos: An Unbiased Look At The 2006 U.S Mid-Terms

As someone who had to rely on a cocktail of overpriced prescription medicine, three bottles of moonshine and a few drops of metho in order to sleep following Latham's triumphant defeat in the 2004 election, I know how some people in America are feeling right now. Last night, the Democrats swept the U.S Mid-Term elections, winning both Houses of Congress in a giant FU to rich white men everywhere.

And just like Democrats who cried after the Republican President Bush won in 2004 and said they were going to move to Canada, or made gay websites, Republicans in the U.S are dealing with their grief in hilarious ways. I visited a conservative blog called LittleGreenFootballs to measure just how funny their post-election blues are.

Let's take a look at some of the comments...



Just like those people who think anyone who votes for John Howard is a stupid, inbred racist, conservative voters also like to blame the intelligence of the people who voted to crush their political dreams. Sadly, no ironic typo for me to make fun of.


And there's your ironic typo, only nine comments later. Maybe in the future, only people who can spell 'demonstrate' should be allowed to vote.



I don't think Democrat Jim Webb would have won the Virginia Senate race without that last minute endorsement from Osama either, Ferris. Maybe someone should have taken a day off? Hah, hilarious. Great movie reference, Tommy. Cutting edge baby.

And this is where it gets good. Not content with just calling people dumb, these folks are expressing their natural post-election depression with..... more depression? And terrorism!




'MSM' stands for 'mainstream media'. 'Terrorcrats' stands for 'I'm a fucking moron'.


This one is awesome:


Like he doesn't already own a gun? Gun ownership seems to be a running trend...


This one is classy. Take it away, bubbasbbq.


This one is just plain funny on so, so many levels...



And this is the quote that can't be topped...




God bless you, nutbars.

The Holy Trinity

I always struggle to write Monday blogs. I could quite easily just write about some boring politics stuff, like Carl Scully being a lying tool, but... nobody would really care. And I'd like to post about boobs too, to make sure that I sent the punters home happy, but it's difficult (I was going to say hard) to find a good angle. I can't just like, chuck a really hot picture of some boobs on my site in a desperate excuse for hits.

lol psych

But today, I found a story that solved both problems.

Porn star demands equal time from Leno

Porn star and California gubernatorial candidate Mary Carey, following the lead of Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger's Democratic opponent, demanded on Friday that Jay Leno give her equal time on his TV show.

Schwarzenegger, who is seeking a second term, made an appearance on NBC's "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno" earlier this month, prompting Democrat Phil Angelides to complain he also deserved airtime.

The star of "Boobsville Sorority Girls" and "Cheerleader School" is running for governor as a write-in candidate and said her name was among the top search terms on Google -- proving she had the popularity to win. She said her request to be on the show was denied.

Yes, Boobs + Politics. Porno boobs too, so they jiggle less. It's the Perfect Storm.

Reason #484923 why Democracy beat Communism

I just love her justification for getting equal representation in the media - she's one of the top Google search terms. In light of this, Screech from Saved By The Bell has decided to run for a Senate seat in Nebraska, 'GTA San Andreas Cheats' is running a close second in a Mayoral race in England, and the next President of Guatemala is 'anal creampies'.

I just hope this doesn't start a trend of Boob Politics down here. The last Aussie politician to have boobs was Latham, and looked what happened to him. Luckily, Kim Beazley's lost a few kilos and Julia Gillard is flatter than an eleven year old Taiwanese girl, or else Labor would be screwed.

Anyway, good luck to her. She's gotta be more qualified than Arnie at least.

A letter to Kim-Jong-il

Heya Kimmy,

You probably don't know me. My name is Tommy, I live in Sydney and every now and then I write a blog. You've probably heard of it, it's like totally the biggest site on the net.

Anyway, this whole nuclear test thing is troubling me a bit. I mean, you're the nutjob leader of a nutjob nation, but that doesn't mean you have to act like one. Is this all because of Team America?

And I don't want to have to do this, but I kinda like the world as it is now. All the bad stuff happens in countries on the other side of the globe, I can't pronounce the names of all the civilian casualties so it's not so bad, and they can make cool movies about the bad stuff a few years from now. But a nuke? World War 3 on the Korean Penninsula? Fighting China, home of kung-fu? Nuh-uh. That's just not cool Kim. Not cool.

So Kim, I'm putting you and your country on a boycott. A blog boycott. A blog-cott. You're probably thinking to yourself 'So? What the frig is a blog-cott, and how come I think in fluent English?'

Well Kim, a blog-cott means I won't be making any blogs about North Korea. Not even South Korea, that's how angry I am. But worst of all, I'm not even going to make any jokes about how Koreans eat dogs. Yeah, you heard me. No talking about the 'Man-Eat-Dog' world of Korean diplomacy. No jokes about how so many people starve in North Korea because they eat so 'paw-ly'. Not even this one:

How can you tell if you have a stupid dog?
It chases parked cars!
How can you tell if you have a stupid, Korean dog?It chases parked cars! And then you eat it!


Champagne dog comedy. But I'm serious Kim. Serious like a fox. A fox before you eat it because you think it's a dog. No more Korea jokes. No more Korea blogs. And especially no jokes about your stupid hair.

Except this one.





Love,

Tommy

JFK: Poo-A-Lot

So I'm reading this biography right. And I'm expecting a nice, straight-forward story of a truly inspirational man. I was hoping for some funny anecdotes, witty quotes and impassioned speeches. Instead, the first three chapters are pretty much dedicated to his cock and ass.

Seriously.

I'm not going to tell you who it is until the end of the blog, though I imagine the picture I'll put at the end might give it away, but read the quotes and see if you can guess who it is.

Yes, I'm ripping off Sale Of The Century, cause it's time for WHO AM I?

I was born in 1917 in Brookline, Massachusetts, and I said the following....


"Still can't get used to to the coeds but am taking them in my stride. Expect to cut one of the herd and brand her shortly, but am taking it very slow as do not want to be known as the beast of the East."

One of his favourite sayings, one male friend said, was "wham, bam, thank you ma'am".

He worried that one of his weekend outings might mean "a bundle from heaven. Please keep this under your skin and I wish now I'd kept mine under my skin if you know what I mean."

"I can now get my tail as often and as free as I want which is a step in the right direction."

"All I can say is it's bully to them or more power to my smelly farts."

"I'll be dipped in shit... my bowels have utterly ceased to be of service so the only way I'm going to unload is for them to blow me out from the top down or from the bottom up."

"I've had 18 enemas in 3 days!!!"

"I've got something wrong with my intestines. In other words, I shit blood."

"B.D came to see me today in the hospital and I laid her in the bath-tub."

"The next time I take her out she is going to be presented with a great hunk of raw beef, if you know what I mean."

He complained that his rectum was "plenty red after the hospital. Yours would be red too if you had shoved every thing from rubber tubes to iron pipes up it."

"When I crap I don't even feel it because it's so big."

"I look as bad as I could look, wheezed badly, peed on his [the doctor's] hand when he checked me for a rupture to show I had no control..."

"They (a blonde) took my pants down!! Then they tipped the chair over. Then surrounded by nurses the doctor stuck his finger up my ass. He wiggled it suggestively and I rolled them in the aisles by saying 'you have a good motion'. He then withdrew his finger and then, the schmuck, stuck an iron tube 12 inches long and 1 inch in diameter up my ass. They had a flashlight in it and they looked around."

"I was certainly feeling great as I know you would having a lot of strangers looking up my asshole."



Picked it yet? Maybe this one might help...


"Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country."


Yes, the man who averted nuclear war, who inspired a generation of people, who revolutionised a country and whose death created the century's largest outpouring of shock and grief , President John F. Kennedy.

Life sure is fair.

'Alright John, I'll bless you with natural charisma, the finest mind of your generation and the ability to lead a global superpower, but you're going to have a lot of things shoved up your ass and get your brains blown out when you're 46.

Love, God.

P.S - you also get to bang Marilyn Monroe.'

Anyway, I just thought that was interesting. I also don't think people really needed to know how many times JFK had his anus inspected, but apparently his biographer begged to differ, and I had to read it, so I think it's only fair that you read it too. Let's call it a bonding experience.

"I've had 18 enemas in 3 days!!!"

People always throw around claims of anti-semitism in the media, especially when it comes to Israel vs Palestine: The Never Ending War-y. For some reason, a large chunk of this world hates the Jews. Maybe it's because the world's only Jewish state just happens to be smack bang in the middle of the most significant religious area in the world, surrounded by a few million Muslim neighbours who'd love nothing more than their instant obliteration. Or maybe it's because of Streisand. Who knows. (Streisand, probably)

And sometimes, these claims of anti-semitism are proved true. Check out this. Freelance Lebanese photographer Adnan 'Buy A Vowel' Hajj was caught doctoring photos taken of the Israel/Lebanon Conflict. In one photo, he added extra smoke to a scene of the Beirut suburbs. In another, he added extra flares to a photo of an Israeli jet, in order to make it look like it was... shooting... more......flares.

In another, he photoshopped his head onto an underwear model's body, and put it on his MySpace so he could pick up chicks. Hot, Lebanese chicks.

But despite his horrible anti-semitism and even worse photshopping, I'm good mates with Hajj. I call him 'Harry The Leb', because I can't say foreign names. He calls me 'zionist pig dog'. It's a thing we have. He also gang raped me.

And because we're such good mates, I have access to the undoctored, untouched, Hajj original photos. Take a look, as we talk a pilgrimage through The Hajj Files...

Our first pic is of Hezbollah terrorists creating a crude, propane explosive to ward off Israeli tanks in the southern suburbs of Beirut. This is what Hajj sent to Reuters...




And now, look at the original.






Can you see the slight difference? No? Let's try another one.


This next photo is slightly disturbing, an Israeli man being set alight trying to rescue children from a burning bus near the Israeli border. A truly noble act, captured by Hajj. But he couldn't resist doctoring this picture before he sent it to press. Here's what Reuters published...



And now, here's the original photo, free from photoshopping or any doctoring whatsoever...









Truly troubling stuff.

If only Hajj had the journalistic integrity of Australian newspapers like The Daily Telegraph.

East Timor: We don't know what happened to West Timor eitherAn investigative report by Tommy


Two people have told me I should write about this hullaballoo in East Timor, and considering that's about 50% of my readership, who am I to say no?

(I also couldn't think of anything else to write about)

I'm not going to bullshit you, I had no idea what was going on in East Timor until I looked it up earlier today. Sure, I heard words like 'widespread violence' and 'brink of civil war' and 'actually Jessica, these men were put here by your stage manager', but I really had no idea why these people were fighting. I mean, the UN were in East Timor, so what could possibly go wrong?

The launch of the 2006 Toyota Inferno goes horribly wrong

Oh.

The current crisis in East Timor, not to be confused with the 673 other crisis' in the country's history stems from a dispute within the East Timorese military. East Timorese? East Timorian? East Timeran? No, you were right the first time, Tommy. Everyone else is wrong.

You see, the resistance movement that fought for East Timorese independence all those years back was called Falintil. Ignoring the fact they named their resistance movement after a legume, Falintil was comprised of mainly Eastern East Timorianesesans. So, logic said that once they gained independence, the East Timoreseiane military would be comprised of mainly Easterners.

Now that would be cool, if it wasn't for them pesky West East Timorese saying that because of the Eastern East Timorese dominance of the military (also known as the FTDL, or 'fetiddle'), Western East Timorese were being discriminated against by their Eastern East Timorese counterparts. Yes, things were definitely going South for the West East Timorese.

So, what do you do when things don't go your way? You quit! About 600 Westerners deserted the FTDL, hooked up with some members of the police force and some of their civilian sympathisers and took to the streets in protest.

This group was led by Lieutenant Gastao Salsinha, 2003 winner of East Timor's Most Unfortunate Name Competition. After clashes with the FTDL led to fatalities and the destruction of 100 buildings, the you-know-what hit the you-know-what.




Subtle.

Anyway, because we're the only country in our region with planes that can fly, Australia led the international military response to the crisis, codenamed Operation Astute.

Operation Astute.

Astute?

as·tute ( P )
adj.

Having or showing shrewdness and discernment, especially with respect to one's own concerns. See Synonyms at shrewd.

Was Operation Discerning taken? Did Operation Savvy just have the wrong ring to it? Did we reject Operation Ingenious because it was too pooncy? Who names these Operations? What happened to good names, like Operation Rolling Thunder, or Operation Final Solution? I think you can tell that the ADF is a little stretched when we've run out of cool, awe-inspiring names for missions and moved on to synonyms for 'perceptive'.

Man, if those East Timorese could read, they'd be laughing at us so hard.

The Aussie-led mission has helped to quell the unrest, but East Timor is still embroiled in violence. President Xanana 'Banana' Gusmao, the 2005 Winner of East Timor's Most Unfortunate Name competition has declared a state of emergency, giving him control over the country's police and military forces. There is also speculation that East Timor's Prime Minister Mari Alkatiri will be forced to resign due to pressure from the rebels and a UN investigation into the crisis. Because those UN investigators always do such a good job.

Anyway, looks like East Timor is going to be screwed up for a while longer, so if the news of more casualties, riots and general civil unrest is getting you down, just do what I do.



Blame that smirking cock Alexander Downer.

Woopsy

American Vice-President Dick Cheney is in the news again for the wrong reasons. A copy of Cheney's 'rider', the list of requirements for the Veep's hotel stays while travelling was leaked to TheSmokingGun.com. Apparently Cheney likes Diet soft drink and bottled water. The pussy.

Anyway, this grabbed my interest, so I called a few friends I made in the Seventh Layer of Hel-, The Liberal Party and managed to grab a copy of Prime Minister John Howard's downtime requirements. Excuse the dodgy quality, but it's been photocopied a few times. It was also touched by the Dark Lord himself, placing an eternal curse of misery on the paper. Anyway, I scanned it and chucked it on the net. You might have to click on it to get it to a readable size.

So, former Serbian President Slobodan Milosevic died, thereby ending the classic high school 'Slobberonmycockyoubitch' joke. I don't really have much to say about that aside from good riddance you genocidal nutbag I hope you rot in the worst of hells and get poked up the bott-bott by an oiled-up Hitler

I would, however like to call out those low-rating bastards at National Nine News. They did a story on Slobber's timely passing last night, and for the sake of remaining impartial, finished the piece by calling him a 'Monster, or great leader'. Here's a tip, if some people think you're a MONSTER, then you're not a 'great leader'. That sound byte was placed on top of footage of the concentration camps Milosevic created. Now, I don't know what the working conditions are at Channel Nine studios in Willoughby, and I know Eddie's cutting costs, but concentration camps = not great.

Slobodan - Monster or Great Leader?

There is this idea that news must remain completely impartial and politically correct in even the most black and white of situations. It's why the BBC always gets in trouble for never calling terrorists 'terrorists', instead using words like 'freedom fighter', 'insurgent' or 'Prime Minister John Howard'. If you blow up something in the name of Allah, you're a terrorist. If you commit genocide, you're a monster. If you attack Oprah on her couch while professing your love for Katie Holmes, you're a frigging wackjob. Some things are just that simple. And when the news media try to inject impartiality into such debates, most of the time they just reduce the severity of the nutbar's actions and give credence to their supporters.

'One man's terrorist is another man's freedom fighter' is a cool phrase to chuck in when you're discussing the Iraq War with your lefty mates at the uni coffee shop, but it's bullshit. Most of the time, one man's terrorist is a terrorist. And if Channel Nine don't get that, not even Bert can save them.

Geez, you write one blog about Christians and the Muslims start blowing stuff up to get your attention. Pretty sad stuff to read in the paper that one family from Newcastle lost their Mum and a son in the one blast. Not exactly a surprise, and it's bound to happen again, but that doesn't change much. Bali is a Hindu outpost in the most populous Muslim country on the planet. Bali is the island equivalent of Bruce Willis in Die Hard 3 holding the sign saying 'I hate nig*ers' in the middle of Harlem.



There'll be lots of talk in the next few months about Indonesia taking a hardline against the bombers and plenty of photos of suspected Jemaah Islamiyah terrorists being arrested and paraded around, but most of it is all bullshit considering:

• Bali Bombing masterminds get 2 years in prison

• It is still legal to be a member of Jemaah Islamiyah in Indonesia as the Government does not want to run the risk of offending Muslim extremists

One more for the dummies

• It is still legal to be a member of Jemaah Islamiyah in Indonesia as the Government does not want to run the risk of offending Muslim extremists

And my personal favourite:

• The Indonesian President Susilio 'I Like To' Bambang Yudhoyono refuses to publicly admit the existence of Jemaah Islamiyah

So when Bambang says "We will hunt down the perpetrators and bring them to justice." like he did after the blasts on October 1st, what he really means is "We will hunt down the perpetrators and bring them to justice, provided of course they actually exist. Which they don't. Unless I'm talking to John Howard or George Bush. In which case they do. But once I hang up the coconut phone, they don't exist anymore. Yes that's the ticket. That'll buy me some time to work on a new name."

(Yes, Indonesians have a word for "Yes that's the ticket.")

Anyway, the world sucks and the only way to cure the pain is by cutting ourselves

The Department of Defence compiled a list of the three most likely natural disasters to strike the United States a few years ago. A Category 5 Hurricane striking New Orleans was number three. In response, the U.S Army Corps engineers budget, containing money meant to go to flood prevention programs in the city, was slashed by $76 million.

The Louisiana Governor knew a Category 5 Hurricane was on its way to hit the city of New Orleans. The available National Guard in New Orleans, the troops on the ground who run recovery, rescue and relief programs, was less than ten thousand. More troops were not requested until days later. It has taken four days for the National Guard to begin delivering aid on a large-scale.

The same Governor then called the plan to evacuate thousands of New Orleans citizens to the Superdome stadium an 'experiment', when experts were reccomending a full scale military evacuation.

Currently FEMA, the organisation that manages emergencies is requesting people call an 800 number to request supplies.

In a city with no phones and no electricity.

A cesspool of water, waste, chemicals and dead bodies is rising in a city already flooded.

30,000 people are about to riot at the Convention Center, still looking for buses promised to them five days ago. Fox News' Geraldo Rivera got to the Convention Center with a cameraman and a producer, but the U.S National Guard could not.

How fucked.