The Fall Of Howard.

Mission accomplished.

Election 2007 - Rejected Attack Ads

I used to be in demand from all the major political parties, thanks in part to my biting insults and wicked photoshop skills. Well, Family First never showed much of an interest, but that's because I haven't sent enough naked pictures of myself around the internet. Apparently 5 isn't trying hard enough. Hard enough.

There was a time when I was cranking out a dozen or so attack ads every election season. Remember 'L-Plate Latham'? That was me. Calling John Howard a rodent? Me. The short-lived 'Costello is a Pedo' rhyming jingle? Me. All me.

But this election... well... I don't really seem to be getting much work. Sure, there's my royalty payments for the Gillard beaver shots, but the cupboard is a little bare. (So was hers, if you don't mind me saying). And I don't understand why, because I think my ideas this year are just as good as elections past. Check out some of these babies...


This first one was made for a Liberal 'dog whistle' campaign, but it didn't seem to go down well in the test electorate. In my defense, putting it up in Cabramatta was ill-advised.





They say the best ads don't promote something new, they just reinforce previously established beliefs. So, I went in that direction for this Labor Party ad.




The environment is a hot button issue, and it's always good to use newspaper headlines to back up your point:




And this last one... Well........ Probably a little too high brow.




And in retrospect, the T-Shirts were probably a bad idea too.


Oh well, I can always get a job with the Democrats.

Election 2007: Poll Dancing

Now the Election is drawing nearer, we seem to be getting more polls than Lara Bingle at the Allan Border Medals. You've got Newspoll, Morgan, Nielsen, Galaxy, national polls and electorate polls, face-to-face and telephone polls. There's so many polls here, Germany keeps trying to invade us.

And right there is the third poll joke in three sentences, if you included the topic which is not only a delightful pun but also a callback to Kevin Rudd liking strippers.

(My writers are on strike)





But the thing you need to know about polls is that they're really, really expensive. And the newspapers that pay for them are going to milk these polls for all their worth eww are going to make sure they get their money's worth.

So, no matter what the poll actually says, they're going to BS their way to a front-page story with a nice narrative. When Labor's lead increases from 55-45 to 56-44, a one point shift well inside the margin of error (about 3%), we get 'HOWARD'S TITANIC HEADS FOR ICEBERG OF KEVIN'.

When it happens in reverse, and the Libs close the gap from 54-46 Labor to 53-46, we get 'HOWARD'S MAN OF STEEL COMEBACK: SHOULD KEVIN RESIGN?'.

Just wait for this week. Labor's at 53 in the latest Newspoll, and if they go back to their normal level of 54 or 55 next week, it will be 'RATE RISE BACKLASH - HOWARD IS FUCKED AND OLD'.

In other words, don't trust the newspapers.

Trust me.




Vote Kevin.

Election07 - BREAKING POLITICAL NEWS

The Family First logo looks like a sad dead clown :(

Election 07: The Master Debators, and who didn't expect me to make a masturbation joke when I blogged about the debate

Just in case you were wondering - no. I'm pretty much only going to be writing about the election for the next few weeks. If you're looking for some hard-hitting pop culture pisstakes, go check Boredomistan or download a Get This! podcast. Or maybe think for yourself for once, loser.

The Debate was on Sunday. I watched intently, mainly to see what the Worm would do. He went well, but I think Kevin Rudd beat him.

(that one took me a few days)

The Debate had three highlights. The first was Kevin Rudd smacking his microphone after his very first hand movement, putting an early end to the contemporary dances moves he normally breaks out when giving speeches.

The second was Ray Martin doing some subtle bitching about the National Press Club's decision to cut Channel Nine's feed after their unauthorised use of democracy - the Worm. While some claim the Worm was biased, and the panel of 80 undecided voters that controlled it were all Kevin-lovin' clones of me, that's just ridiculous.

For proof, look no further than this photo taken of the Worm Panel:

The third and final highlight was the near-biff between the two old bastards over some figures from the OECD. Luckily it didn't go to fisticuffs, because I reckon Howard could take him. I picture him like a less nimble Mr. Myagi.


But all in all, it was an even affair, with both men proving they are worthy candi- HAHAHAHA RUDD WON SUCK SHIT SUCK SHITTTT WOOP CHOO CHOO ALL ABOARD THE FUCK OFF EYEBROWS EXPRESS

TOOT TOOT MOTHERFUCKERS!@#

Election 2007: Time's Up, Cockbrain (also Tommy's Guide To Holding An Election Party)

Obviously by 'Cockbrain', I'm referring to John Howard, whose brain is actually made of tiny, floating cocks.

Now that's out of the way, let's talk Election Parties!@ Perhaps the coolest of all parties, second only to Grand Final Parties and Wakes. And I know everyone is as keen as mustard for November 24th, so here is

Tommy's Guide To Holding An Election Party

Step #1 - The Television

The first ingredient you need for an Election Party, keeping in mind I've never held or been to one (An election party I mean. I go to lots of parties. Mainly for children.), is a nice television. You can then choose from a few options.

The ABC has Kerry O'Brien, Antony Green and a set they've re-used since old episodes of The Sullivans, but give you the most comprehensive facts and figures without much BS.

Sky News is like ABC, except their sets are made from painted cardboard and their political reporter is twelve years old.

The grey hair isn't fooling anyone, Speers

Channel Nine is the old standby, with Ray Martin alongside a chick, and Laurie Oakes alongside a bucket of chicken.

And then there's the new entrant - Channel Seven, which has oh fuck it's kochie

have you read my god-damn fucking joke book

Let's move on.


Step #2 - The Food

This one is pretty simple. You want snacky food, and a light dinner. After all, elections go for a while. Once the Tasmania results are in, maybe bring out some Salsa, then move on to your meal-like snacks such as meat pies, chicken fingers and spring rolls.

If inviting a Liberal Party supporter, ensure a steady supply of babies for them to munch on during the proceedings.

An Asian baby isn't ideal, but will do in a bind

Step #3 - Alcohol

Doctors reccomend every hour of watching the ABC be supplemented by at least 8 standard size drinks.

Step #4 - Mid-Election Entertainment

I could and will watch election coverage all day, but not everyone is as pathetic awesome as me. So, you'll need something to do during the boring bits, like the vote tallies and shit. Prepare back-up entertainment, such as old tapes of Question Time, Mad Libs with the Australian Constitution or maybe Soggy Sao. One of them.

I know which one Alexander chooses



(the one where dudes cum onto a Sao)

Step #4 - The Results

Woops

Step #5 - The Results

This is where your party can fall apart. If the wrong side wins on the night, it could lead to anger and fisticuffs. Or even punching. So, ensure that lefties sit far enough away from righties so you can intervene, locking a Liberal Party supporter in a full nelson then swinging them so they kick the head of the Green Party supporter, then drop the Labor guy with a Stone Cold Stunner.

While they recuperate, remind them that they're all Australians and that whatever the result, she'll be right.

Oh, and be sure to lay down some plastic sheets on your carpet, just in case Kevin Rudd loses the election from here and Tommy blows his fucking brains out


Thank you for your time, and have a good party.

The Game Changes - SGS enters the Election

It may be the only thing that can stop Rudd-mania running wild across the country, the only thing that the Man Of Steel John Howard is truly scared of. No, not Latham. It's another man. With three first names, and a dog called Nattie.

Yes, Samuel Gordon Stewart is running for parliament, in the Canberra electorate of Fraser. In the time it took for him to announce his candidacy on John Kerr's radio show ('The Boring Old Fuck Variety Hour'), the prospect of a Samuel Gordon Stewart Prime Ministership has risen by over 3000% percent. 3000%. It's science.

So what does this mean for the people of Fraser, and the people of Australia? Let's take a glimpse into the near future, under the stewardship of Prime Minister Gordon Stewart.


Here he is at APEC. If you're wondering why George Bush is there even though his term ends in 2008, that's just because Saddam killed all the Mandelas.






Here's his first interview on Lateline...




And finally, his first sex scandal...




And his second...






You know, Prime Minister Stewart might not be all that bad. We can call him 'PMS', and it would save the taxpayer because he lives in Canberra anyway. I don't know about his policy of federally mandated handjobs for John Laws, but it's no WorkChoices.

And hey, he'd be better than Costello.