The Fall Of Howard.

Mission accomplished.

Election 2007: Time's Up, Cockbrain (also Tommy's Guide To Holding An Election Party)

Obviously by 'Cockbrain', I'm referring to John Howard, whose brain is actually made of tiny, floating cocks.

Now that's out of the way, let's talk Election Parties!@ Perhaps the coolest of all parties, second only to Grand Final Parties and Wakes. And I know everyone is as keen as mustard for November 24th, so here is

Tommy's Guide To Holding An Election Party

Step #1 - The Television

The first ingredient you need for an Election Party, keeping in mind I've never held or been to one (An election party I mean. I go to lots of parties. Mainly for children.), is a nice television. You can then choose from a few options.

The ABC has Kerry O'Brien, Antony Green and a set they've re-used since old episodes of The Sullivans, but give you the most comprehensive facts and figures without much BS.

Sky News is like ABC, except their sets are made from painted cardboard and their political reporter is twelve years old.

The grey hair isn't fooling anyone, Speers

Channel Nine is the old standby, with Ray Martin alongside a chick, and Laurie Oakes alongside a bucket of chicken.

And then there's the new entrant - Channel Seven, which has oh fuck it's kochie

have you read my god-damn fucking joke book

Let's move on.


Step #2 - The Food

This one is pretty simple. You want snacky food, and a light dinner. After all, elections go for a while. Once the Tasmania results are in, maybe bring out some Salsa, then move on to your meal-like snacks such as meat pies, chicken fingers and spring rolls.

If inviting a Liberal Party supporter, ensure a steady supply of babies for them to munch on during the proceedings.

An Asian baby isn't ideal, but will do in a bind

Step #3 - Alcohol

Doctors reccomend every hour of watching the ABC be supplemented by at least 8 standard size drinks.

Step #4 - Mid-Election Entertainment

I could and will watch election coverage all day, but not everyone is as pathetic awesome as me. So, you'll need something to do during the boring bits, like the vote tallies and shit. Prepare back-up entertainment, such as old tapes of Question Time, Mad Libs with the Australian Constitution or maybe Soggy Sao. One of them.

I know which one Alexander chooses



(the one where dudes cum onto a Sao)

Step #4 - The Results

Woops

Step #5 - The Results

This is where your party can fall apart. If the wrong side wins on the night, it could lead to anger and fisticuffs. Or even punching. So, ensure that lefties sit far enough away from righties so you can intervene, locking a Liberal Party supporter in a full nelson then swinging them so they kick the head of the Green Party supporter, then drop the Labor guy with a Stone Cold Stunner.

While they recuperate, remind them that they're all Australians and that whatever the result, she'll be right.

Oh, and be sure to lay down some plastic sheets on your carpet, just in case Kevin Rudd loses the election from here and Tommy blows his fucking brains out


Thank you for your time, and have a good party.

The Fall Of Howard: Wiki Wiki Wild Wild West

There's nothing sadder than the people who edit and moderate Wikipedia. I get the ones that may contribute to a page about a certain hobby or something, but what about the ones writing the entry for the word "here"? Who feels so strongly about a word that they'll make a Wiki entry for it?

Anyway, the Prime Minister's office has joined in on the action, making 126 edits to Wikipedia. I take such an offense personally, considering another giant Wiki tool deleted Matt's awesome Derek Granger entry.

Don't think I've forgotten, Wine-o.

But the PM's office isn't just editing disparaging remarks about Peter Costello, they're interested in a whole bunch of ways to waste taxpayer's money. For one, they have a strange, almost sexual obsession with the Gang-gang Cockatoo (Not be confused with the Gang-Bang Cockatoo, which is the secondary mascot of the Canterbury Bulldogs). They also edit entries on Fictional Foods and Beverages in Star Trek, something called Snub hexagonal tiling, and show a keen interest in Andrew Gaze's career.

The only other person to show an interest in Andrew Gaze's career? Andrew Gaze.

But all that's just sad.

The comedy gold is in their edit of the 'Mandatory detention in Australia' entry. According to the Prime Minister's office, the inhumane conditions in detention camp aren't actually inhumane, they're not even allegedly inhumane, they're "allegedley inhumane". And Tampa and the Boat People didn't 'help win' John Howard the election, rather "some commentators argume that it helped John Howard win the election".

The argume, of course, is the distant relative of the legume, and is enjoyed as a snack by Liberal Party hacks who like to rewrite history so their boss isn't a xenophobic cocksmoker.

Although, in the interest of fairness, I think some other politicians have been editing Wikipedia too.

The Fall Of Howard - Costellemo Strikes Back

When I first decided to do a series of blogs called 'The Fall Of Howard', I didn't think it would be so freakin' easy.

Three senior Canberra gallery journalists, including the ABC's Michael Brissenden, say they met with Mr Costello over dinner in early 2005.

They say the Treasurer told them Mr Howard could not win the election and he would "destroy" his leadership if he [Mr Howard] was still Prime Minister by 2006.

Brissenden says Mr Costello's office called the journalists one day after the conversation and asked for the comments to be placed 'off the record'. He says the journalists reluctantly agreed.

- ABC News


Hilarious. I've said it before, but Peter Costello is the biggest pussy in Australian politics. Ok, I totally don't think I've ever said that, but come on. Remember when he teared up at the press conference around Howard's 163rd birthday a few years back, when John announced he was staying on? Or when that 'leadership agreement note' came out? If Costello wanted to be PM, he could be PM. Whether it's by a challenge or two, or by baiting Howard into the path of an incoming bus with the promise of arthritis medicine, it wouldn't take much.

"Get that fucking iPod out of my face," Costello remarked to reporters.

But the funniest thing to come out of this isn't picturing John Howard saying 'Fuckin cunt' when he read his newspaper this morning, it's this quote:

"I think the public are sick of this sort of stuff... you think the public would believe journalists over Peter Costello?" Mr Downer said.

Comedy Gold, Mr. Downer.

The Fall Of Howard - I Will Push The Motherfucker

Are Kevin Sorbo and Naomi Robson the same person? Boredomistan reports, you decide.

But enough plugs. Today's blog is about a threat to my livelihood.

As you know, this blog has annual revenue well in the tens, but that could once again be threatened, thanks to those fat cats in Canberra.

JOHN Howard is going to spend $189 million on "cleaning up the Internet" for Australian families, blocking pornography, upgrading the search for chatroom sex predators and cutting off terror sites. Every Australian family will be provided with a free internet filter and the federal Government will enter an unprecedented partnership with service providers to filter pornography at the source.

As I alluded to earlier with my clever combination of the words 'once' and 'again' (an IsCool exclusive), this isn't the first time a politician has proposed this. Nor is it the first time I've blogged about it. A certain Kim Beazley once had the same idea, and we all know what happened to him:

Kim Beazley fat joke courtesy of Wil Anderson

As I mentioned earlier, if this goes ahead, chances are my blog is going to be blocked to a few thousand families. There's pictures of boobs, references to cocks, vaginas, side boobs and far too many references to underage girls from Neighbours. Without the crucial 6-18 demographic, my blog will collapse.

So Howard, you want to shut me down? Well, take a look at this:

please don't send me e-mail

I bought a Kevin Rudd T-Shirt for $7. And I'm going to wear it... to....the shops. And stuff. And maybe the gym. So suck it.


Yeah.


Time's up, old man.

The Fall Of Howard - The Fall Of Howard

I told you it was coming. John Howard finally fell.



I swear I've watched that about 16 times, and it just keeps getting funnier. I can't wait for the remixes. I just love how he adjusts his suit just before he falls, and then he looks back like he's blaming the stairs for the fact he's a senile old basta-


Wait.


Wait.


Did anyone see that? The advisor?




Who is that guy? Those glasses... That hand... I'd know that hand anywhere.

Hmm..


Computer, enhance.

Woops. Computer, close porn.

Computer, enhance.

Upload.






Oh my.

It's... It's...... Beautiful redemption.


I think I'm going to cry.

The Fall Of Howard - MySpace Warz

It was inevitable really. Once Kevin Rudd's campaign ad was posted on YouTube, the obvious next step was MySpace. Next - campaign photos on Flickr. After that, policy launches on FaceBook. And then, we come full circle. John Howard naked, on XTube.

And, just like the opinion polls, MySpace has spoken. Kevin Rudd has more friends than John Howard.

....But a quick glance at Mr Rudd's page shortly after 4pm (AEST) today showed he already had more than 570 “friends”, or people who have added him to their list of favoured users, compared to just seven for the Howard government.

Ouch. A few days later, Rudd is up to 5522 friends, and Howard has shot through with...... 8.

Peter Costello was distraught not to be included in John's Top 8

Though, I think that's because K-Rudd is actually letting people be his friends. I'm sure the Howard Government has had lots of people try to add them as friends. It's just they want to determine who comes to their MySpace and the circumstances under which they do. I believe an e-boat full of Afghani MySpacers looking to add Howard as a friend was just stopped by the Royal Australian Navy a few hours ago.

Little Known Fact: People smuggler boats have free wireless broadband

I guess because people are a little chuffed that one of Kevin Rudd's lowly staffers decided to accept their friend invite, K-Rudd Vampire Butters profile is full of glowing compliments towards the Opposition leader. I was expecting lots of Young Liberal stooge spam, but it's mainly people under voting age telling Rudd how good he is.

Though, I thought these messages were a little odd.

Rove vs XZibit, and John Howard vs Australia

Ok, Rove vs XZibit is officially the weirdest celebrity feud ever. This isn't like Rosie vs Trump, or Paris vs Nicole, or Lindsay vs Her Nasal Cavity, it's on a whole new level.

The deal was, XZibit was meant to be on Rove's show last Sunday, but got offended by one of Rove's producers, then stormed off in what I presume was a car pimped out with an in-built plasma screen, fishtank and shower.

YO MAN I MUCH PREFER 'THE NATION WITH MICK MOLLOY'

I don't know who to side with. On one side - Rove. The Gold Logie stealer. Funny enough, but over-rated. Provides employment to Pete Hellier, Corinne Grant and Dave Hughes. Bad man.

On the other, Xzibit. Host of Pimp My Ride, which isn't as good as My Super Sweet Sixteen. A rapper. Can't spell 'Exhibit'. Is black- American. Bad man.

Hmm.. If only there was some way to decide this...



XZIBIT WINS!! FUCK ROVE!! THAT FUCKIN RACIST!!


Speaking of racism, a Galaxy Poll came out today. Aside from having Rudd up 55-45, it also reveals this interesting statistic, r.e Howard's drive to stamp out child sex abuse in indigenous communities:

Some 58 per cent of voters believe Mr Howard is addressing problems in the communities because of the looming election, the exclusive Galaxy opinion survey has found.

Just 25 per cent said Mr Howard launched the intervention because he really cares about the problem.

You know when I'd retire as Prime Minister? When a poll came out that showed only 1/4 of the country believed I was genuine about being anti-pedo.

XZibit for PM.

The Fall Of Howard: The Boob Edition

We encourage individual achievement and self-reliance without sacrificing the common good. We value our independence and chafe against bureaucracies that deny us choice and the capacity to shape our daily lives. Yet we are determined not to let go of the Australian ethos of a fair go for all.

- John Howard, Australia Day 2006

Debate has raged today after it was revealed a template Australian Workplace Agreement for hotel and hospitality workers has been rolled out, stripping staff of shift penalties, public holiday rates, meal allowances and overtime, replacing them with a starting wage of just $13.47 an hour.

On top of the new hospitality AWA, workers at one motel restaurant have been given instructions not to wear perfume or aftershave, nor to rub their nose or even "pull at a slipping bra strap".

The Daily Telegraph, May 23 2007


So what have we replaced the fair go with? Itchy noses and bouncing norks. We truly are in a golden age.


Here is a photo of some norks.





Easiest blog ever.

The Fall Of Howard - Tommy's Guide To The Honeymoon

Now, we all know Rudd-mania is running wild, and has been since December. Guy's the tits. With Vampire Butters at the helm, Labor's standing in Newspoll has gone from a three/four point lead under Beazley, to an eighteen point lead. If an election was held on Tuesday, K-Rudd would not only be the Prime Minister and be given the keys to the lodge, it is very likely he would have been given the keys to Janette Howard too.

But, there's always haters. Just like Latham had to deal with the News Limited cronies, Sydney's taxi drivers and his own awesomeness, K-Rudd has to combat the most powerful force in Australian politics - the press gallery.

Channel Nine's Laurie Oakes is not only a member of the Press Gallery, he is also undefeated in the 'Fluffy Bunny' marshmallow game.

You see, the press gallery like their stories. Politics isn't just a random series of events and reactions, it's a narrative. When Burke-Gate broke, it was 'Rudd's first test as a leader', and 'The Honeymoon was over'.

When Rudd got caught in the Sunrise/Anzac Day fiasco, it was 'Rudd's Digger Insult', and 'NOW the Honeymoon was over'.

When big business and the mining companies attacked Labor's IR policy, it was 'Rudd vs Business' and 'NOW the Honeymoon is REALLY over, even though we said it was over three months ago'.

Unlike Rudd's, this honeymoon was over when the wife ate the mini-bar

Yet the polls keep contradicting the story. The people of Australia aren't playing to the script. BurkeGate was the crafty Howard trapping Rudd in a political net. The Sunrise Dawn Service was meant to erode Rudd's popularity. The business opposition to the IR policy was meant to undermind the Vampire's leadership. But it didn't.

Take the budget. It was a masterpiece, if you believe the press gallery. The first shot in the election. The Liberals were taking the agenda away from K-Rudd. Costello was brilliant. The Government was back in front. And what do we get, a week after the budget?

Labor 59-41, up two points from the Newspoll before the budget.

Here's a graph.


So what's the point of this blog? That newspaper columnists and television reporters focus too much on political point-scoring that has absolutely no effect on the public's perception of the two parties? That Australians don't care about manufactured political controversies?


No. The point is that Tommy can make a graph.


Suck it, Miss Reynolds, Year 9 Maths Teacher.

I finally did it.

The Fall Of Howard: The Celebrity Edition

While I'm a dyed-in-the-wool Anybody But John Howard As Long As It's Not Beazley supporter, and therefore know which way I'm voting come election time, I understand some of you may be swinging voters.

Maybe you weren't convinced by my 'John Howard speaks funny' brand of political satire, or maybe you're having doubts about Vampire Butters K-Rudd now he actually has to say things.

So, rather than some shonky analysis of policy and issues, let's cut straight to the important stuff.

Looks.

Particularly, which politician looks like which celebrity. I'll let the Face Recognition site at MyHeritage.com sort this one out. And let me tell you, this thing is wicked. I put two photos in of myself, and got Justin Timberlake twice, which has to be right because I used to be in N*Sync.

First, Howard.




So, John Howard looks.... 80% like John Howard. Fair enough. I've always thought those two looked similar. Who else... Someone named Vanessa Marcil, who stars in Las Vegas, Neil fucking Diamond, Travolta, Downey, Clooney, Brosnan and RE-GIS! It's unBELIEV-ABLE!!

(that's tommy's text regis philbin impression)

I gotta say, Howard is looking pretty good at the moment. Not only does he look like James Bond, but also Iron Man, Batman and the guy from Phenomenon. I'd love for George Clooney to put his picture in, see that he looks like John Howard and kill himself. I'd really love that.

And now, Rudd. If he doesn't get Butters from South Park and Leslie Nielson from Dracula, Dead and Loving It, I'm going to be pissed.



Yep, I'm pissed.

He gets Robbie Coltrane and Jean Reno, so if you like bad guys in action movies set in Europe, you should probably vote for Rudd.

Javier Solana is a former NATO Secretary General and a leader at the EU, and also looks like the bad guy from Alias. Rudd also looks like Mohamed El Baradei, the Director General of the International Atomic Energy Agen- for fucks sake even his look-a-likes are boring.

Wait...

That black guy....


HOLY SHIT


THAT'S SAMUEL L JACKSON!@#


GET THOSE MOTHERFUCKIN JOHN HOWARDS OFF MY MOTHER FUCKING PARLIAMENT!@


YESSS!! RUDD WINS!! RUDD WINS!!


I am now officially jumping on the Rudd/Samuel L. Jackson bandwagon. With Rudd's sound policy mind, and Jackson's lightsaber skills, they will be completely unstoppable. Bring on the election.

The Fall Of Howard: The Man Of Steel, The Conviction Politician, The Great Leader, The......... Oh? Really? Oh.

After selling Work Choices as the only solution to the nation's productivity crisis, as the logical next step in Australia's economic reform, as the single most important thing ever in the history of the world................. a backflip.

i love this picture (howard is on the right)

Here's John Howard, the conviction politician, the Ironman of politics, the guy who would absolutely never play politics with important matters such as IR, in 2005.

"There is an elected government and we have put forward a program of changes, it's not radical, it's not extreme. It's not what is being represented by the ACTU."

Mr Howard said the ACTU could talk to him, but the principles of the changes were set in stone and the government would not budge on any of the "essentials".

And, today...

Howard will today acknowledge public concern over his industrial relations laws by introducing a "battlers' clause" designed to prevent people on low to middle incomes from being stripped of work conditions for nothing in return.

In the first significant change to the controversial laws, workers on up to $75,000 will not be allowed to be stripped of protected award conditions such as penalty rates or overtime without receiving anything in return.

I love when John Howard debates himself. But that's not even the best bit. This is from Paul Kelly, the editor-at-large of The Australian newspaper, perhaps the most pro-Howard of any paper in Australia, except all the other ones.

The notion that if Howard amended the laws the intensity of the Labor Party/trade union campaign would dissolve is absurd. Indeed, for Howard to retreat would be a sign of weakness and lack of nerve.

The abandonment by Howard after 33 years in Parliament of one of his longest standing and most intense beliefs - the need to wind back union power and de-regulate the labour market to position Australia for the globalised age - would spell the real demise of the Howard era.

See, it's not just my wicked 'Fall Of Howard' blog titles saying it anymore. The dude is on the nose, and here's my theory - there'll be more backflips. This is just the start. Soon Howard will be hugging Muslims, letting gays marry and donating to Barack Obama's campaign fund. And then he'll change his mind, but just when you think he's back to normal, BAM! Divorces Janette, marries an Abo. Brilliant.


Here's my post summarised in one picture.

The Fall Of Howard - The Porn Lunch

Ok, so Matt is in Canberra on 'business' (stalking Samuel Gordon Stewart), so it looks like I'm going to have to write more than one blog a week. Christ, it's like the site is named after me or something.

Howard Has Lunch With Porn Mogul

Now, the obvious joke now is 'Tommy, how come you didn't tell us you had lunch with the Prime Minister?', but we're all above that.

What we aren't above, however, is jokes about Howard 'boning' himself for having lunch with porn director Scott Phillips, or some better variation of that sentence which is actually funny.

I just love how dumb the girlfriend who brought Phillips, King Of Porn, to the fundraiser was. 'Hmm... I'm going to a fundraiser for a Liberal Party MP at a dinner full of Young Liberals and a Prime Minister who thinks 'C'mon Kids' was a little raunchy... I might invite the director of Down Under Anal Invasion.



I want to know if Howard spoke to him. Not because it would show his hypocrisy over BurkeGate or the other scandal involving the Labor MP who had to resign that doesn't have an easily remembered 'Gate' name, but just because I want to know what they talked about.

'So Scott, what do you do for a living?'

'I film pornography. Hardcore, hardcore pornography.'

'Oh, I.. uhh..ahhh..wwaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh''Do you want some?'

'Of course not, I'm the Prime Minister of Aust- yes.'

What can I say, Howard loves porno.

Breaking News: Nobody Gives A Shit About Brian Burke

Has there ever been a more boring scandal in politics than Brian Burke/Kevin Rudd's eating habits? Even the Canberra Press Gallery had to look him up on Wikipedia to figure out who he was. Not even Brian Burke knows who Brian Burke is.

Today's Newspoll, taken after BurkeGate broke, shows Labor up three points, leading 57-43, their biggest lead in eleven years of Howard (except for the time Beazley got it in 2001). In other news - eleven years of Howard. Good lord.

Additionally, there is absolutely nothing wrong with Australia that the Government could have fixed in the week they spent trying to stitch up Kevin Rudd over a dinner he had with a dodgy old man where he may or may not have discussed a leadership challenge that happened eighteen months later. It's perfect. An island paradise. All hail Honest John.

The Fall Of Howard Part 1: John Howard Doesn't Like Black People

Prime Minister John Howard has defended his comments about United States presidential candidate Barack Obama's proposed policies.

The spat erupted when Democrat Senator Obama said he would like US troops out of Iraq by March 2008.

Mr Howard responded by saying that if he ran Al Qaeda, he would put a circle around March next year and pray for Mr Obama to win.

From Johnny's ABC.

For those of you who don't know, Barack Obama is the guy running for President who is black. Well, not black black, but black enough to be able to dance better than this.

Just so we're clear, I think it was wrong when Bush attacked Latham over his Iraq policy, and I think it's equally wrong now. Leaders shouldn't intervene in the politics of allied countries. Howard should have referred to the 'plan to leave Iraq' rather than what he actually said - 'I don't like the brown one'. I mean... "If I were running Al Qaeda in Iraq, I would... pray as many times as possible for a victory not only for Obama but also for the Democrats'.

Obama's giant ears picked up Howard's insult immediately, then started drafting their own response

You know why he's doing this right? Because Howard is a smart guy. He sees the writing on the wall. He sees that the Butters Vampire K-Rudd is not only on his heels, but has overtaken him as Preferred PM. His party is down 58-42. IR Reform is biting him on the arse. And Costello just bought a mug that says 'World's Best PM'.

Howard now is like we all were back in the last week of Year 12. Sure, you might have gone to class, but everyone knew you were only there so they didn't ban muck-up day. And so, he's saying anything he damn well wants. It's Howard: Unplugged.



First it was Obama. Next, Indonesian President Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono. Then he'll move on to the big guns. He'll call out Prince Charles and The Queen for not doing enough for Australian tourism. Then, he'll slap Japanese Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi as payback for Changi. After that, it's a trip to the United Nations where he'll whip it out and pee on that bitch from Germany. You know the one.

Once he's back in the country, he'll blow the entire treasury on smack and packets of Chicken Twisties, because he's one of those freaks that likes Chicken Twisties. And all this is just before March. By April when he resigns, Australia will be renamed 'Fuck Costello' and he'll have raped both of the national emblem animals on a special edition of Celebrity Big Brother.

It will be the greatest 3 months in Australian history.