Better 100 Biters Go Free..

Some of you may not know this, but I bleed blue and white. No, I do not need a doctor, nor am I a Smurf. Rather, I am a Canterbury Bulldogs supporter. Although I think I am one-eighth Smurf, apparently because my great grandmother had a thing for little people.

In addition to being an accomplished medical practicioner, I am also a keen student of the law and, as Sydney's lebanese community isn't overflowing with lawyers, I have been appointed as Brad Morrin's legal defence (or his legal 'back-rower', if you will) for his upcoming match against the NRL Judiciary.

Brad will front the judiciary wearing a state-of-the-art mouthguard, designed specially for his appearance.

For those of you who aren't au fait with le league de rugby, over the weekend my client, Mr Morrin, joined the ranks of Fuifui 'FootballPlayerFootballPlayer' Moimoi, much-loved Ugandan dictator Idi Amin, perforated former US president John F. Kennedy and half a plane load of Brazillian football hooligans (who were just looking for an excuse, anyway) in succumbing to the sweet, sweet taste of human flesh.

We could be in for some tough times ahead - the Judiciary have an excellent home ground advantage, having won nearly all of their games there this year. From the match report last week, the only reason they lost the game against the Andrew Ryan's was because they were afraid that someone would say the word 'testicles' and gave up before half-time. Below, I have given a list of the legal defences we plan to use in the inevitable clearing of my client; we list them here in the hopes that the Judiciary will read them and become paralysed with fear at the indisputable arguments we present.


Cannibalism has been practiced for centuries, as this picture from the middle ages shows.

The 'Nip/Tuck' Defence:
Everyone knows the phenomenon of Tuckshop-Lady-Arms. As you ask for your 30c Zooper Dooper, the lady in the canteen pulls it out of the freezer, cuts the top off it with a large pair of scissors (sometimes taking too much Zooper Dooper with it which, in this lawyer's opinion, should result in a refund) and reaches over to hand it to you. As she does, the large fold of skin under her arm, which has not seen any muscle or flesh in it for years, begins to ripple. Maybe a kid further down the line sneezes, the wind reaches the dangling skin and shakes it like an infant that won't stop crying. Before you know it, the bat-wing has ruptured and varicose veins are flying, taking kids' eyes out and causing massive structural damage to the building. Morrin was obviously concerned about something similar happening to Tahu and decided to begin the long reconstruction process.

The 'He Was Hungry' Defence:
Rugby League is played flat-out for 80 minutes and you need all the energy you can get. With oranges being discouraged at half-time now, because of lactic acid or something, the fleshy, scrumptious-looking underarm of Tahu must have been irrestistable to almost anybody.


We go before the judiciary with never-before-seen 'Morrin Cam' where we recreate, using MS Paint, what we think Brad saw that day.

The 'He's a Complete and Total Spastic' Defence:
In this defence, we illustrate that Morrin obviously suffers a learning impairment, can't play football and hopefully get him transferred somewhere shithouse, like the Roosters.

The Breakfast Club Incident

Morning, all. I'm here to deliver some undesirable news, and that is that there is trouble afoot in the world of Baulkham Hills breakfast radio.

Regular viewers of Tommy's blog will remember that we have previously mentioned radio superstar Derek Granger:



Seeing as Tommy is such a big fan of Mr Granger Esq. and his profound body of work, we at TommyIsCoolDotCom can bring you exclusive audio of Granger's latest on-air debacle. Enjoy.

powered by matt's crazy audio technology

Wow. Just wow. And if you don't believe that it happened, you can get proof here! And to think that Peter Dimbrowsky, who is this blog's favourite Baulkham Hills Shire councillor, was about to be subjected to that filth. It's good that he was not involved so he can go on leading that glorious shire into a golden age. One day he'll be mayor. Go Dimbrowsky, go!

The Doctor is [IN]

You may not realise this, but we here at tommyiswhateverdotcom get a great deal of email and hand-written letters in response to the entries we write. Since signing on as part of the full-time team here, most of my time has been dedicated to responding to these letters.

[possibly why you havent written an entry in over a month -tommy]

Now, I did my training in clinical psychology (no, seriously) but a lot of people seem to think that I can be used to answer more general questions about medicine and health in general. So, as part of our current initiative to make this blog more socially responsible (an initiative 'sponsored' by Hornsby Magistrate's Court), here are some of my responses to the letters that we've received. I've also included pictures of what I assume these people look like to fulfill the 'comedy' section of this entry because the rest is serious, medical stuff.



--


Hello, Mr Sampson,

I know you're heavily involved in the world of health services in this country and I was wondering what your thoughts were on the federal government offering the cervical cancer vaccine free of charge to school-age girls.

Hope all is well,
Margaret Kentwell, Mosman.

Hi, Marge, thanks for your letter! Nice to see you old ducks writing letters to someone other than the Sydney Morning Herald to complain about foul language on last night's episode of The Bill. Anyway, I think that the cervical cancer vaccine is a great thing, a fantastic leap forward for cancer research and a very proactive step by the government towards stemming the tide of this horrible disease.

However, at the same time, it's another flagrant display of favouritism by the Howard government in that they are only allowing women to receive the vaccine free of charge! Us men still have to pay for it! I went to my doctor to request the vaccine and he even refused to give it to me! I went through another six or seven GP's before I found a doctor in Campbelltown (here's a shout-out to you, Dr Lim!) who was willing to give it to me. However, I suspect that he is in on the scam because, even though he gave me the shot, he was laughing most of the time. I find this no laughing matter and, even though I have received the vaccine, I still check my cervix every time I'm in the shower just to make absolutely sure it's still cervical-cancer-free.

I find this an absolute outrage and I demand that the fat cats in Canberra do something about this immediately. My life is hard enough, going home to a girlfriend who says that my knowledge of anatomy is so minimal that I have no idea how to pleasure her, without being laughed at while I seek vital medical treatment. If I had no idea about anatomy, would I be answering questions like this? Ha. I'll let you be the judge.

--


yo matt.

i'm a 13 yr old guy and i rly like your blog! ur a lot funnier than that tommy guy i think the blog shuld be called mattiscool hahaha! i liked the story u wrote when tommy was away that was so lol.

neway, iv go ta question to ask and i dont rly feel cool bout goin to mum and dad so i thought id ask u! so lately ive noticed that ive been changing - my voice is gettin deeper, im growing more hair (and on my body, not my head :O !!) and im definitely stronga than my big sister and she used 2 beet me up all tha time!

what do u think is happening?

kthxbi,
pete_da_pimpest044@hotmail.com

Pete, I think we seriously need to address the possibility that you are becoming a werewolf. I know this is worrying for you to think about, but it seems to be the only explanation. Have you had any contact with dogs, domesticated or wild, in the past six or seven years of your life? If so, it's almost a certainty you have been infected with the werewolf germ (or were-germ if you will).

I Googled werewolves and have found that there are few options once infected and that it's only a matter of time before you undergo the painful, scarring and basically horrific transformation into one of the most derided and shunned beasts our world has ever known. Following your transformation, you are destined to stalk the innocent to gouge, tear, rip and generally feast upon them. You will end up loathing yourself but be unable to stop.

Because of this, I can only recommend you take steps to stop this horrible process before it starts. I'm bound by Blogger rules not to suggest anything... specific... to you, but I think you all know what needs to suicide. I mean 'needs to happen'. Little typo there. Good luck, Pete. We all know you'll find it inside you to do what's right, I just hope this reaches you in time.

---


Dear Doctor Sampson,

I have a problem I hope that you can help with. I have noticed that, about three days before I get my period, my breasts seem to get larger. Then, two days before, I seem to get very emotional, crying at small things that I know deep down don't really matter. The very day before I usually get extremely depressed and think very dark, morbid thoughts and I can't help it.

Is this normal? Should I see a GP about this issue? I feel like it's affecting me more and more each month and that it could be developing into something serious.

Sincerely,
PMS'ing in Perth.

Periods are gross. Girls are gross. This letter is totally fucking gross. Thanks a lot, let's move on.

--

Dear Matt,

I think of myself as a pretty regular guy and for the past few months I've been going to the gym to try and get myself in shape. I follow a pretty strict program and go very consistently (I must have a lot of free time, haha), but I'm not seeing any gains at all. You'd think that after this long I'd have made some progress, even by accident, but I'm still as weak as a kitten with cerebral palsy and the ladies don't seem to have noticed me at all!

Please help,
Anonymous.

Tommy, if you want to talk about this just give me a ring instead of writing me, mate. OK later.

--

So I hope that you found this all useful and I certainly hope that the court officer defines this as 'community service' because if he doesn't then I'm shit out of ideas. I'm not going back to that nursing home, I can tell you that.

Oscar's Fashion (apostrophe incorrectly placed)

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Two Sort-Of Freaky Heads Are Better Than One Completely Freaky Head

OK, brace yourselves, people. I know that, lately, I've been posting a whole lot of weird stuff and videos you'd probably prefer never to have been exposed to, but once I'm involved in something I don't quit until it's done. This is also why I am still campaigning for Sir William Lyne to become Australia's Prime Minister. Sorry, K-Rudd, Willy was here first.

Oh God, what a beard. You glorious bastard.

Anyway. Strap yourselves in. Batten down some fucking hatches.





Now, this whole 'two-headed' issue has brought up a number of questions I believe need answering.

When it comes to love and marriage, will they both have to love one dude and he'll be married to one? Or two? or something?

How many tits do they have?

Does their mother let them go out trick or treating for Halloween? If they knocked on my door I would be scared shitless and try to hit them with a shovel. Or, best costume ever award.

So is it incest if they, uh, yeah. We'll come back to that one later, maybe.

If one of them consents to a sexual act but the other doesn't, did a rape occur?

If they find they were abducted and neither consented to sex and were raped, do they charge the rapist with one count of rape or two?

They each control an arm, but what if one was right handed and the other was left handed? But, like, the wrong way around.

When you call them over, do you have to call both of them? I'm assuming you only need to call one, because the other will always come with her, but is it rude not to call both?

Ooh, I got another one. If a vampire were to turn one of them but not the other, what would happen if she went out into the sun? Would part of her dissolve into ash and then she's normal? Shit the girl has two hearts, which one do you stake?

If they make out with one another, is that incest or masturbation?

If one of them masturbates, she's fingering her sister. So they'd have to discuss when to masturbate. What if one's in the mood to and the other one doesn't want to? Fuck. There are too many questions.

I'm also guessing every porn site on the internet will be bidding for them to do some type of porn once they turn legal.

If they have a kid who is the mother? I hereby demand to know what happens if one wants an abortion and the other doesn't.

Can they breed and make a race of two-headed people.

Who wipes the ass?

How are they allowed to drive? I'd fucking wreck the shit out of my car if I saw that on the road, because I'd fucking flip out. That shit is crazy.

What if Nazis opened up the Ark of the Covenant in front of them and one looked while the other didn't? OR, what happens if one drank from a false Grail while the other drank from the real Grail?

Would mutual simultaneous oral sex with them be called a 68?

If one of them ever commited a crime, would she be jailed? I mean, the other one is innocent.

If they have two stomachs, do both need to eat?

If one punches the other in the face, do both feel it? Maybe they could just have an arm wrestling contest.

If they got glasses, would the kids at school call them 'eight-eyes'?

If you kick a soccer ball in the air near them, do you still say 'heads up'?

Do they kiss each other on the lips when they sleep?

What if one's in deep, deep sleep, and the other has to pee?

Can one of them hold their breath indefinately because the other one will be oxygenating their blood?

If they go underwater, can they stay under extra long because they have more lungs?

Do you think you could convince one that the other is secretly plotting against her?

If one converts to Judaism is the other one allowed to eat pork? Actually, look at them, do you think God cares?

What happens if they both turned their heads around at the same instant and clashed heads? Could you say you just saw someone headbutt themselves?

OK, seriously, I have to stop now. I'm giving myself an aneurysm.

WATCH OUT BERNICE - BERT HAS A HAMMER

Ladies and gentlemen (okay, mostly gentlemen), I have something awesome to show you.

This is my friend Bernice, and he has a video blog. Recently someone sent him quite a mean message which he didn't take well to. This was his response:



Did you hear that? 'Y'all are the ones who don't know things'. He sure stuck it to us. But, in the guy's defence, it is fun to watch stupid people.

Demonstration:


This kid is a school shooting waiting to happen. In about two years he's going to take out his whole school with a semi-automatic whilst draped in the skin of dead prostitutes. But first, more videos:



^^ Damn man, Bernice has some smooooooth mutha fuckin' moves, dawg. If you ask me, the only way she could have come on to him more was by taking off his blazer and button-up shirt and licking his two neck moles.



^^ This one is worth watching just for the first twenty seconds. Like, he had me fooled at first and I thought it was just great timing that he turned on his camera at the exact right time that there was an earthquake, but then it all goes horribly wrong...





^^ Bernice heads out and totally smokes some thugs on the b-ball court, yo.



^^ Bernice makes a slight error in his friend selection. This 'Jacob' kid sounds like he's way too uptight. Also:



The following are Bernice's two 'motion pictures'.

Superman (Better than the original and way hotter too):




DO BIRDS FLY? TIME TO SHAVE THE DAY!

And 'Cool Moves':




ARE YOU READY? I DON'T THINK YOU ARE!

With that, I leave you to roam Bernice's profile (make sure to check out the time Jacob came over), but I will point out one final thing:

HE TUCKS HIS JACKET INTO HIS PANTS!!

I HAVE A NEW GOD




* Yes, we are aware that this is most likely fake, but the kid's obviously such a genius actor with a gift for comedy gold and reminded us so much of a young Bert Newton with Asperger's Syndrome that we thought we'd make a blog about it anyway.

WARNING: THIS POST IS ABOUT PENISES

Whilst cruising the Internet on my daily search for foreskin-related information, I stumbled across the following - http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/africa/6355447.stm and figured it would make a swell Valentine's Day Eve blog for you guys and break up the dull monotony of Tommy's politics posts. Incidentally, Tommy plans to spend Valentine's Day the same way he does every year, jerking off into a sock puppet whilst looking at pictures of Mark Latham. But now, on to the article:

Uncircumcised pupils sent home
A Kenyan secondary school has sent home 20 boys because they were not circumcised, saying it feared they would be bullied by other students.

"Please do the needful within two weeks and let your son report back to school with you immediately he is well," a letter to parents from the school said.

Circumcision is not obligatory for admission to secondary school.

Now, this article raises a few concerns for me. Before we get into all that, though, there’s something you should know about me. I myself am circumcised. I didn’t do it for religious reasons, I did it for the ladies. Back when I was just a baby (I could speak whilst I was still in the womb) I was well aware I was going to grow up to be the smooth, fly playa that we all know and love today and that, if I was ever going to be able to meet my potential, I was going to have to have a cock that didn’t look like an alien freak stick.


This was one of the few SFW images I found when I searched for 'circumcision'.

But, my own personal prejudices aside, what the shit is this school thinking? I don’t know how things work in Africa (most of my knowledge of African society I learned from that movie Blood Diamond and I’m not even sure that that was set in Africa), but this was not a common schoolyard conversation back when I was a little tacker:

"Hey, I’m new here, can I play with you guys?"
"Whip out your cock first."
"Wai...what?"
"Just do it."
*unzip*
"A TURTLENECK! GET IM, FELLAS!”
*Severe beating ensues*

I never heard shit go down like that once, but I can imagine it’s really hard to defend yourself from a beating when your dick is hanging out of your pants. The really worrying thing here is how exactly the school found out that these kids hadn’t had the big ‘snip’. Or, in the case of African society, the big ‘repeated smashing with a dull rock’.


Jus sittin' here, chillin' after having my dick skin cut off.

Second, look at the letter this principal wrote. ‘Please do the needful’. Either that’s a thinly veiled request to the parents to go outside and start boning a few homeless people or this school ain’t worth shit anyways. ‘Let your son report back to school with you immediately he is well’. This African school must use text books called ‘Let’s Use Gooder English’ and ‘Lead Poisoning: The Benefits You Weren’t Aware Of’. I mean, this sounds like one of those Nigerian scam emails but instead of your bank details they want your bloody foreskin.


Yo, we be kickin' it old school.

Not to mention that circumcision on infants is fairly commonplace and is basically a perfected art. Actually, now that I think about it, ‘art’ may be a strong word. Or, if it isn’t I’m never going to another fucking art gallery in my life. Anyway, the thought I will leave you with here is: mishandled adolescent circumcision = stitches in your penis. Holy fucking ow.

Nothing to Lose Your Head Over

And so, another day, another terrorist plot uncovered and ‘foiled’. It is truly an indicator of the times that we live in that I am now forced to recognise that the word ‘foiled’ no longer solely refers to the way in which a turkey should be placed in the oven.

The BBC announce the gunpowder, treason and plot.

So, the story (besides ‘demob happy’ apparently meaning ‘a fat pedophile’) is that the terrorists that are hiding under every rock in every Muslim neighbourhood (yeah, you know the ones) have switched tactics. As opposed to the old, out-moded methods of yelling ‘Allāhu Akbar’ before blowing the shit out of something, what’s ‘in’ right now is kidnapping low-level infantry soldiers and beheading them. That’s right, public transport bombings in London have officially become passé and are the terrorism equivalent of Hypercolour T-Shirts and slap-bracelets.


Oh, how I yearn for simpler times when it was easy to be this cool.

What really perturbs me about this story is where the Terrorists could possibly be getting their ideas. I mean, nothing like a kidnapping-and-beheading caper has ever been planned or executed before, which means that some heretofore unknown force is feeding these militant Islamic extremists their wacky yet deadly ideas. And, if you believe the American news at the moment (who doesn’t?) the blame lies squarely on the shoulders of the greatest-of-all TV shows, 24.


The 24 terrorists may have given the London kidnappers their idea, but Jack Bauer gave MI5 the idea of stopping them before anything bad happened.

Not only is 24 feeding the hollowed-out souls of crazy Muslims, it’s telling Americans that Muslims are horrible people. I guess that’s only fair and balanced. Some news outlets are going as far as to label Jack Bauer a ‘right wing propagandist’, doing the bidding of the Bush government and instilling fear in the real-life American people. This is where I draw the line. Jack Bauer is many things, but he does not support George Bush. Well, you know, unless George Bush becomes president in the 24 universe. In that case, Jack will murder his boss, take up heroin, throw exploding phones out a window and get in a plane with a nuclear bomb just to please George Bush. However, my favourite thing to come out about 24 this week is that 24 has officially changed the public’s mind and made everybody think that torturing another human being is A-OK. It is, quote, a ‘national referendum’ on torture and, judging by the ratings, people are voting ‘torture the fuck out of everyone’ in droves.



So, semi-loyal readers, what is the message here? What is the conclusion? It’s simple. No matter if you’re an easily malleable suburban housewife, ready to believe that Ackhhhmed next door is a terrorist or if you’re a radical Sunni rebel with a belt full of C4 strapped to your chest, 24 can make us all believe one thing – 24 is totally awesome and if you’re not watching tonight you’re a complete retard.

I Ain't Afraid of No 3D-Rendered Ghosts

A little site called 'Gametab' has posted four videos of what looks to be a Ghostbusters game in the works. For those of you that haven't seen any of the Ghostbusters movies, piss off now, I don't want you reading any blogs from this site ever again.

You can peep all four videos by following this link right here - http://www.gametab.com/news/787050/ - however I have linked the most interesting and most disturbing videos below.



This appears to make up the bulk of the game's action - running around and blowing shit up with your proton pack. Unrealistic, you say? If you had a proton pack, isn't that exactly what you'd do?



For a second I thought that this was actually Bill Murray, his aged skin now almost completed its ultimate conversion into pure wax and reflecting so much light, but possibly because he has just been 'slimed'. Wait.. was I the only one there to come up with an awesome idea for a series of Ghostbuster pornos? Give me one second, I'm off to register 'heslimedme.com'.

Anyhoodlydoodles, this whole thing got me thinking. And by 'thinking' I mean 'having flashback to my youth but, this time, nothing to do with my mother force-feeding me 2 minute noodles for seven hours a day or my father painting me all black and telling me to play on the highway'.

No, it's flashbacking to Ghostbusters the game on the Commodore 64. What an amazing game that was. Ghostbusters on the Commodore 64 was and remains the superior and most ghost-busting of all the video game incarnations. Let's take a look back through memory lane, shall we?

...


Nothing's happening? Hang on, let me try again...

...

Oh, sorry, I see the problem. One second.

LOAD "GHOSTBUSTERS-FLASHBACK",8,1
RUN



For instance, before there was Grand Theft Auto, Ghostbusters on the Commodore 64 had a sprawling, realistic and thoroughly engaging world, based on real-life New York City.



Players could free-roam through the streets, catching ghosts in the conveniently placed vacuum cleaner (mounted to the hood of Ecto-1, of course) and could choose between left, right and centre lanes.



In a car-customisation section (which was blatantly plagarised by the bastards behind Need for Speed: Most Wanted), players could choose from a wide array of equipment to deck out their vehicle with. Ranging from PK sensors to additional traps to portable containment units to the much-talked-about 'Marshmallow Bait', the options were almost limitless. If limitless is like 5 or 6 things and you can only fit so many on before the little forklift dude wouldn't put any more on.



Doom 3 was scary, but not as scary as the true-to-life video graphics brought on by this game. With photorealistic textures you can only get from a big keyboard plugged directly into your TV, Ghostbusters stunned and amazed as you walked from stunningly similar house to stunningly similar house, putting your trap in the middle, activating the streams, moving closer towards each other (which served no discernable purpose) and then pressing the button to fire the trap and hoping like hell it would randomly move the ghost in there somehow. Those not skilled enough to repeat this sequence over and over would be treated to a digitised, no-name voice actor proudly proclaiming that 'he sliiiiiiiiimed me!'.



No, that's not a bad picture, that's motion blur from the enormous, imagination-defying marshmallow man that has formed outside Dana Barrett's apartment complex. Disregarding the fact that that doesn't really have anything to do with the movie and the big white guy sure as shit never hopped from leg to leg in front of the door at any point, it is your duty to take your lethal, unbelievably powerful proton packs and sneak through the door under that bastard's feet like you were a fifteen year old girl back late from the dance. THAT, my friends, is how you end a video game.

So you can keep your fancy 'graphics' and awesome 'gameplay'. I, for one, like it old-school. Just like Run DMC doing the theme song to Ghostbusters 2, with awesome lyrics like 'STOP! UHH! BREAK! HIT IT!', 'I-I-I, I-I-I ain't afraid of no ghosts' and 'We are the busters of any, G-H-O-S-T'.

Matt's Christmas Message

I am officially goneskis as of tomorrow on my South Coast Drinking Safari (SCDS for short (pronounced Ess-Cee-Dees)), and will miss you all terribly. I have reasonable intelligence that a small percentage of you will not miss me. To those people I say ‘Merry Christmas’ and ‘I hope you die whilst ingesting a bag of your own shit’.

This being my first Christmas spent away from the family, I decided it was necessary for me to get into the Christmas spirit early, safe in the knowledge that this year I will be lucky to remember any of it, barring the fallout from a drunken phone call to my parents assuring them that I love them so much, like, totally like the most anyone has ever, oh man, what was I saying, I think some fuckhead stole all my beer, man, fuck.

History will remember this as the year that changed my Christmas forever.

The first stop on my journey was the ever-contemporary ‘Santa-Bot’ over at http://santabot.com/. Now, I remember seeing this technology at the Powerhouse museum (first floor underneath the lobby, near the bottom of the escalators, right next to the giant keyboard a la A*Mazing) where you type things to the computer and it does its best to simulate a conversation with you. Now, I usually find the whole thing about as stimulating as attempting to converse with a stillborn foetus, but at santabot.com, I’m fairly sure they just plug your stuff into MSN and I just happened to get put through to a strung-out 16-year-old Californian with easy access to historical information on Saint Nikolas.


The aforementioned SantaBot or, as I have come to know him, SurferDude55 from CA, bra.

Santa: Hello! What is your name?
Matt: I'm Matt. I write for Tommy's lame ass blog.
Santa: Hi, Matt. I write for Socko's lame ass blog.
Matt: OK.. I thought Tommy might have mentioned something like that. Anyway, what's crackin, Sant's?
Santa: You tell me.
Matt: Looks like your chair's crackin under your big ass there, duder.
Santa: Interesting comparison.
Matt: That.. that wasn't a comparison.
Santa: That is "Interesting comparison"What is a comparison?
Matt: What? Are you high or something?
Santa: Or something. Being high is my total existence.
Matt: That's pretty awesome. How much did you smoke?
Santa: Who is the best robot? How much do you think?
Matt: That sounds like a lot of bones to be smokin', Santa.
Santa: It sounds like it to me too.
Matt: Awesome, so does Mrs. Claus know? Or you keep it on the down-low?
Santa: "It sounds like it to me too"? Awesome so does Mrs? I'm "Claus" for my friends. "Nikolaos" for all the boring adults. It's a Greek name, because I was born in the Greek town of Patara 1800 years ago. Later, I became bishop of Myra, and more later even a saint ... Saint Nikolaos - Santa Claus. You see? I am Santa. I give presents to kids.
Matt: Holy shit, dude, you get talky after a few joints.
Santa: You used a colloquial expression. You got that right. Dude.
Matt: You're so hip, Santa.
Santa: I am Santa. I give presents to kids.
Matt: Right on, brother. Right on.

Man, remember the Powerhouse? It’s like, all I can think about now. Remember back when you were a kid and you used to go there? It was full of 80’s technology freak-out stuff, and every single fucking exhibit had everything on touch screen for some reason, maybe the occasional trackball thrown in. And there was that giant train there, and the café outside was really lame and in this tiny courtyard, and the monorail station was right next to it, and once I went to the Star Wars exhibit they had there and I wanted to touch some giant car-thing because Natalie Portman had touched it in the movie and I figured if I could get some of her DNA on me I could sound more believable when I told people we had made out but when I reached over they had like some laser alarm thing and this loud whistle thing went off and the security guard came over and gave me a really stern look but I totally could have taken him. I bet if you went to the Powerhouse now it would be full of really insane future-tech stuff like hover-cars and invisible ink and insane, 3-D computer glove controls like in Minority Report but they still have touch screens everywhere so people don’t just completely freak the fuck out.


The current interior of the Powerhouse Museum.
a.k.a. Google Image Search for 'Future'.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, have a decent Christmas and a kwazy Kwanza. See you in ’07.

The Great Movies You’re Not Watching (Unless You’re a Time-Travelling Bootlegger)

If Tommy can get a blog entry out of a few minutes of flicking through a TV guide and posting about random stuff he finds, you can be damn sure that’s a bandwagon I’m going to be jumping on. Now, back in the day, I used to be head entertainment reported for a high-powered Internet portal site. I’m not going to tell you which one, but rest assured, you would have been there before. My editor, Mr Quentin Bollix, quit over a feud with a publisher Charlie Tango and, because I was loyal to ‘Boll’, as we called him, I quit too. And I ended up here. Funny how life turns out, isn’t it? Funny how it just makes you want to hang yourself.

Q. Bollix as a young man.

Anyway, here we go, with a whole bunch of movies that haven’t come out yet that you really want to see because they’re totally going to rule and it will help you take your mind off the fact that you had a totally awesome writing career on the cards and then it all blew up in your face.

Isn’t it funny how, as we go along, we all become like Tommy in the end?

Anyway, read this stuff, and make sure you click on the titles to view trailers:

- 300 -



300 is a story about the last 300 Spartans in Sparta who totally kicked some ass at Thermopylae in like 400 B.C. It is based on a graphic novel by Frank Miller, just as Sin City was. In the tradition of Sin City, a lot of focus has gone into the visual style of the film but, where Sin City went comic-book, 300 is going ‘blow your load in your seat fucking awesome’ and seriously just overcranking the shit out of everything.

Pros:

This fucking film will look gorgeous.

With actors they've chosen they've gone for ability over noteriety, so you won't know who the shit anyone is but you won't care.

Just watch the trailer and pretend this movie isn't going to be filled with 'fuck yeah' moments. Just try it, I dare you. I bet you can't.

Further, I am predicting the best psych-up-an-army speech since ‘never take our freedom’.

Cons:

Another fucking big battle and old-timey combat movie. I mean, seriously, Hollywood, can we please just let this fucking fetish go? Yes, Lord of the Rings made a buttload of money, but this is very close the the thin edge of the wedge. But anyway, 300 is still going to rule.



- Stranger Than Fiction -



In this movie, Will Ferrell realises that a voice that only he can hear is narrating his life. When this voice tells him that he will shortly be meeting an untimely demise, he is suitably disturbed and goes to Dustin Hoffman for help. Hell, who wouldn't?

Do you remember Will Ferrell? Remember how Anchorman made us laugh until selected internal organs began to liquify? Remember how that one Woody Allen comedy he made was completely a comedy apart from the fact that none of it was funny? This movie will be funny. Remember how you left Talladega Nights feeling vaguely insulted? This movie is like, the anti-Talladega. If anything, you're going to leave this movie feeling stupider. Pajiba wrote a way wicked review of this movie that's better than I can do, so read that.

Pros:

Will Ferrell is normally a damn funny guy, as long as he's not working with a completely retarded script.

If the movie starts to suck I can just flashback to that episode of Family Guy where Peter got his own theme music and it will be pretty much the same thing.

Cons:

Sometimes I like to laugh at Will Ferrell movies without thinking so much that blood drips out my ears.


- The Simpsons Movie -



The Simpsons has been going for eighteen fucking seasons. And it's about 10 seasons more than it ever should have gone for. This fucking show started when I was in kindergarten. It's nearly as old as I am. Lord knows everyone keeps telling me that I stopped being funny a while ago, I think it's the same for the Simpsons. But the Simpsons doesn't have sex appeal and a two-foot penis to compensate.

Pros:

It's the Simpsons. I mean, I know that, somewhere, it has it in itself to be funny and original for an hour and a half, even if it hasn't been funny or original for a decade.

Think about it, if this movie can go back to basics for the Simpsons, it can be a triumphant return. Then maybe they'll stop the syndication and we can all remember the series fondly and my petition to Channel 10 to only do repeats of series 3-8 will be accepted and hot naked women will fall from the sky like rain.

Cons:

If the movie spends more than eight minutes and eleven seconds on Marge and/or Lisa, it will be awful. This has been proven by science.

If this movie sucks, it will be the final nail in a huge freakin' coffin.


- Grind House -



Quentin Tarantino wants to make movies like the movies he grew up on. So he and Robert Rodriguez got together to make Planet Terror and Death Proof and, combined, they make Grind House. It's all tits, blood, violence, fucking and rock and roll. And I for one am looking forward to it. To quote Tarantino, 'I call them 'boner movies' cause they get you so excited'. Right on, brother.

Pros:

Tits

Violence

Rock and Roll

Tits

Tits

Cons:

In this movie Rose McGowan is a stripper and later they replace her leg with a fucking assault rifle. This is a con because by simply writing that sentence I may have blown an awesomeness fuse or two.

Unfortunately, there may be some shots in the film where there are no tits.


- Hot Fuzz -



Those funny fucks who brought you Shaun of the Dead are now moving from the zombie genre to the cop genre. I'm not sure if 'zombie' and 'cop' are actually classified as genres, but work with me here, OK? Anyway, if it's anything like Shaun of the Dead it's going to walk the line between parody and serious attempt by having some scenes there for laughs and some scenes that are just downright badass. And if it's anything like Shaun of the Dead it's going to make you laugh so hard in the cinema that people will get annoyed at you but won't say anything because you have such a weird-sounding laugh that they'll confuse you with a Downs Syndrome guy.

Pros:

Looks funny.

Guns.

Cons:

May have just been greenlit on the back of SotD, is the first movie from a comedy production group on the heels of a critically-successful movie. Read: may suck donkey balls.


So there you go. That's my eleven-dollars-seventy on some up coming movies (it would normally have been 'my two cents' but take into consideration that I wrote a lot there, my time is worth significantly more than yours and also there's inflation and the recession we had to have etcetera) which I hope has taken your mind off your life for a while, given you a bit of excitement for some good films in your future and helped me get through an entire blog post without uploading a picture of something completely useless and unfunny.



Dammit, better luck next time, I guess.

NASA announces... something...

I don’t know who really reads NASA press briefings anymore, mainly because I was never made fully aware of who was reading NASA press briefings in the first place. However, if you would now like to become one of the lucky few who do read them, besides Applied Mathematics Graduates and hobbit-loving virgins, click right here.

If you like NASA, you are now jerking off to this image.

If you’re afraid that, in this world of government monitoring and Russian spy agencies, that people will find out you clicked on a link pointing to NASA, just read the excerpt below so that you can then follow along with the paragraphs after the excerpt so that you can laugh along with the other readers of Tommy’s blog, primarily Applied Mathematics Graduates and hobbit-loving virgins.

NASA Schedules Briefing to Announce Significant Find on Mars

NASA [will soon be hosting a press conference] to present new science results from the Mars Global Surveyor. The briefing will take place in the NASA Headquarters auditorium. The agency last week announced the spacecraft's mission may be at its end. Mars Global Surveyor has served the longest and been the most productive of any spacecraft ever sent to the red planet. Data gathered from the mission will continue to be analysed by scientists.

Now, putting aside for a moment the fact that NASA have an auditorium like a freaking high school where they quite possibly put on little plays and stuff, most of the talk going around at the moment seems to indicate that NASA are going to announce they have discovered a source of free-flowing water on Mars. And, because it is a well-known fact that life loves the clear, crisp, refreshing taste of Perrier, it would indicate that life is possibly hanging out on Mars right now, partying on down before the life over on Jupiter gets pissed off and calls the cops to shut the place down.

However, knowing NASA and knowing that humanity has zero fucking luck as far as finding interesting shit in space goes, chances are NASA’s going to be holding one huge clusterfuck of a press conference featuring pictures of some rock they found on Mars that’s way rockier than the thousand other fucking rocks they found this month.

However, because I like to think of myself as the optimistic spark in amongst the bleakness and hopelessness that is Tommy’s blog, I figured I’d rattle off a few things that NASA might announce even through we really know they won’t.

• NASA announces that they have found anaerobic microbes in Martian rocks. Six months later, President Bush announces he will bring democracy to the microbes.
• NASA announces they have discovered Xenu’s secret Martian laboratory. Six months later, Tom Cruise announces he will be leading an Impossible Mission Force to Mars to remove Xenu’s installation.
• NASA announce that they have lost communication with the rover, and its last transmission was classified secret. It was the last warning we would receive.
• NASA announces they have discovered flowing water on Mars and will be installing me, Matt Sampson, as Warlord and Supreme Commander of Mars. My first act of business will be to strap some huge fucking engines onto the back of Mars, take it to a Maccas drive-thru and totally freak those bastards out.
• NASA announces the rover has discovered life on Mars as well as a formula to calculate the size of the universe, proof that God exists and a copy of Police Academy 9: Assignment to Albania. Probability implodes and all atheists and Steve Guttenberg haters kill themselves.
• NASA announces the rover has found itself in a massive chocolate bar factory. Opinions are currently divided on what to call the bars from the planet of Mars.
• NASA announces the rover has been taken hostage by Vin Diesel, the chick with three tits from Total Recall and Gary Sinise’s career after he made that ‘Mission to Mars’ movie.
• NASA announces the rover has discovered the following image:

So, even though we all know that NASA’s idea of announcement usually leaves science geeks jerking each other off in excitement and leaves the rest of us scratching our heads wondering why the shit no one has pulled their fingers out and found Martians or built flying cars, given us food in pill form or figured out a way to clone Mandy Moore, at that gives us a few things that we can look forward to.



SO HELP ME GOD, I WILL MAKE IT HAPPEN