BACK SORRIEZ

No, the blog isn't dead. It's weird though. I become a productive, full-time tax-paying member of society, and then suddenly can't think of anything to blog about. I don't know if that says anything about people who have blogs.

Thanks for the comments encouraging me to return, too. I especially liked the one about how I beat off over the elderly. Without focusing too much on such filth, let's just say there's another reason they keep 91 year old women in storage cupboards at Royal North Shore.

(The first reason is because of the underfunding of hospitals. The second is because I rape elderly women.)

I think when the Election gets called I'll have more stuff to blog about. It's been a long time since some comedy gold came from that side, with strip clubs and John Howard falling over now but distant reminders of how blessed we were a few months ago. What do we have now? Cutting down trees in Tasmania, and according to the Daily Telegraph, Labor members giving free handies to the Bali Bombers on death row.

Not Penny Wong, though. She's a lesbian.

So, with politics more boring than usual, we turn to my other hobby - Jack Bauer. Kiefer Sutherland was arrested for driving under the influence (of awesome), and is being sentenced in December, threatening the production of Season 7 of 24: Tony Strikes Back. Now, there are two explanations for this:

1. Kiefer is planning on going undercover in an L.A prison in order to extract information from an informant.

2. The Los Angeles police department want me to kill myself, because I'll fuckin do it if Jack disappears halfway through Season 7 and they replace him with this guy:

Looks like the terrorist...... just got terrified.

*pause*

YEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!

Actually... No. No Tommy. Caruso would be much worse.


Anyway, that's what you've all waited a few weeks for. Sorry. I might put a teaser for my next blog, to force me to write one. Here goes:


Next on Tommy's Blog: Tommy's Guide To Holding Your Own Election Party

Later on Tommy's Blog: How Come Nobody Is Coming To My Election Party

Even Later on Tommy's Blog: What Am I Going To Do With All These Chips :(

Nothing to Lose Your Head Over

And so, another day, another terrorist plot uncovered and ‘foiled’. It is truly an indicator of the times that we live in that I am now forced to recognise that the word ‘foiled’ no longer solely refers to the way in which a turkey should be placed in the oven.

The BBC announce the gunpowder, treason and plot.

So, the story (besides ‘demob happy’ apparently meaning ‘a fat pedophile’) is that the terrorists that are hiding under every rock in every Muslim neighbourhood (yeah, you know the ones) have switched tactics. As opposed to the old, out-moded methods of yelling ‘Allāhu Akbar’ before blowing the shit out of something, what’s ‘in’ right now is kidnapping low-level infantry soldiers and beheading them. That’s right, public transport bombings in London have officially become passé and are the terrorism equivalent of Hypercolour T-Shirts and slap-bracelets.


Oh, how I yearn for simpler times when it was easy to be this cool.

What really perturbs me about this story is where the Terrorists could possibly be getting their ideas. I mean, nothing like a kidnapping-and-beheading caper has ever been planned or executed before, which means that some heretofore unknown force is feeding these militant Islamic extremists their wacky yet deadly ideas. And, if you believe the American news at the moment (who doesn’t?) the blame lies squarely on the shoulders of the greatest-of-all TV shows, 24.


The 24 terrorists may have given the London kidnappers their idea, but Jack Bauer gave MI5 the idea of stopping them before anything bad happened.

Not only is 24 feeding the hollowed-out souls of crazy Muslims, it’s telling Americans that Muslims are horrible people. I guess that’s only fair and balanced. Some news outlets are going as far as to label Jack Bauer a ‘right wing propagandist’, doing the bidding of the Bush government and instilling fear in the real-life American people. This is where I draw the line. Jack Bauer is many things, but he does not support George Bush. Well, you know, unless George Bush becomes president in the 24 universe. In that case, Jack will murder his boss, take up heroin, throw exploding phones out a window and get in a plane with a nuclear bomb just to please George Bush. However, my favourite thing to come out about 24 this week is that 24 has officially changed the public’s mind and made everybody think that torturing another human being is A-OK. It is, quote, a ‘national referendum’ on torture and, judging by the ratings, people are voting ‘torture the fuck out of everyone’ in droves.



So, semi-loyal readers, what is the message here? What is the conclusion? It’s simple. No matter if you’re an easily malleable suburban housewife, ready to believe that Ackhhhmed next door is a terrorist or if you’re a radical Sunni rebel with a belt full of C4 strapped to your chest, 24 can make us all believe one thing – 24 is totally awesome and if you’re not watching tonight you’re a complete retard.

Damn it Chloe, it's Clobberin' Time

I only geek out over a handful of things. Professional wrestling, Lost, 24, West Wing, X-Men movies, James Bond movies, comic books, World War 2, politics, The Office and Grand Theft Auto games. See, only a few things. It's not called TommyIsCOOLDotCom for nothin', hip cats.

But imagine my surprise, imagine my geek-icity when somebody combined two of my favourite things. No, not Grand Theft Auto: West Wing, I'm talkin' about 24: The COMIC BOOK.






It's called 24: One Shot, and it's.... actually pretty crap. Whoever had the bright idea to make a comic book out of a one-hour television show whose gimmick relies on being a one-hour television show is pretty stupid. Instead of tense, fast-paced thrillrides where Jack Bauer races against the clock to stop a terrorist/bomb/mountain lion, we get occassionally bolded words! And close-ups!





It's set before Season 1 of the show, on Jack's first day at the job at CTU Los Angeles. Fans of the show will recognise some faces, like:

Jack Bauer

Tony Almeda











And some black guy who gets killed straight away












As you can tell, the art is pretty good. Jack looks like Jack. He also bears a stunning resemblance to Kiefer Sutherland. Except in this panel, where he looks like he has Downs Syndrome.

The story involves Jack having to accompany a former Irish Republican Army hot chick/terrorist to.... fucked if I know. It was too confusing. Some kind of meeting. Then their chopper gets shot down, the first of three choppers to be shot down in this single comic book. And then Wolverine pops up for some reason.

Not even Wolverine's mutant healing factor could beat Jack Bauer

The story continues, and then some other, less hot bitch with Swedish milkmaid hair arrives, and then Jack combines his body with a lady who can't close her mouth and shoots the first bitch.

Take that, fourty years of women's rights progress

Then he, Wolverine and The Avengers travel to space to finally destroy Dark Phoenix once and for all.

This comic was shit. It's not even worth me writing a closing statement, so I'll just get Matt, prominent guest blogger, and co-creator of The Derek Granger Chronicles (coming soon to TommyIsCoolDotCom) to do the honours.

In the tradition of truly woeful comic books like 'Jurassic Park: Lex Shows Timmy her Dilophosaurus', the unanticipated crossover 'The Punisher Lays Waste to Barbie's Magical Dream House' and almost every edition of 'The Fantastic Four', 24: One Shot is like very much like a cheap Taiwanese whore - it's ugly, you can't understand most of it, and most of the time that you were supposed to be enjoying yourself you were just praying you'd make it through the ordeal without catching sight of a huge cock.

Too true bro...


Too true.

The 24-stravaganza continues tonight on Channel Seven, with a double episode beginning at 8:30 tonight, meaning Jack Bauer goes head to head with Dr House on Channel Ten, Horatio from CSI Miami on Channel Nine and Dateline host George Negus on SBS. All terrific fictional characters. So without further ado (indeed, even without further adon't), here is Part Two of My Guide to 24, which I will call:


PART THREE OF MY GUIDE TO 24
part two
a joint collaboration (even though I wrote most of this one) by Tommy and Matt 'DAMN IT CHLOE GET ME THE FILES!@#w' Sampson




The other major setting for 24, aside from the dark, dank offices of CTU from which no light enters nor escapes, is the office of the President. Season's One to Three of 24 followed the rise of Senator David Palmer from Presidential hopeful to President to President Who Chooses Not To Run For A Second Term Because He Tried To Cover-Up His Evil Ex-Wife's Role In The Death Of A Wealthy Campaign Contributer Who Tried To Blackmail Palmer Into Firing His Brother Who Had An Affair With Said Wealthy Campaign Contributer's Hot Trophy Wife. Pretty standard stuff really.

Over the last three seasons of 24, David Palmer has been black, divorced his scheming wife, been removed from office by his cabinet for refusing to go to war under false pretences and replaced as President by Caleb from the O.C, had his Presidency held ransom by a pooncy British terrorist, was almost assassinated three times, been the victim of a biological attack that left him with scarred hands and has been Jack Bauer's closest ally in Washington. He is also black.


David 'Black' Palmer

Although some argue that Jack Bauer was created by divine intervention, the love child of Rambo, James Bond, Batman and little-known Marvel comic book hero The Green Lantern, this is false. Jack Bauer is human. And those four characters are all male, and no matter how hard you try, guys just can't get pregnant. Trust me. Proof of Jack's humanity comes in the form of his hotty mchotty lotty fotty hotty sheisreallyprettyi'dliketoseeherti- super hotty daughter/former porn star, Kim Bauer.

Kim has been a regular visitor to my blog (and my BED HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHHAahahahhahahahahahahheylookitsattheotherendofthescreen) , however she is much more than an excuse to post pictures of Elisha Cuthbert's nipples. Indeed, Kim has been part of many awesome 24 moments, some of which have absolutely nothing to do with her nipples. Yes, Kim nipples are nippling at the nipples of some of nipples best nipples. Nipple Chase, Jack's sidenipple dated Kimnipple behind Jack's nipple, leading to some nipple between the two in Season Nipple. Though Nipple Bauer isn't a star of Season 4, she is a true 24 nipple, and her nipples will live in our nipplemory fornipple.


Quick little girl, hide in my nipples

Of course, Kim Bauer isn't the only girl in 24. There's CTU Agent Michelle Dessler, the recently deceased Sherri Palmer, and Mandy, the hot terrorist who keeps popping up. But there is also another female in 24. A female so annoying, we cannot refer to her without a swear word in the middle. Her name is...

Chloe Fucking O'Brien
a thesis by matt sampson

Chloe Fucking O'Brien is by far the worst, yet somehow enduring, addition to the CTU staff. Normally people with irritating personalities are written out of the show (Hammond, Walsh, Paula, Jamey etc.) but there's some unfathomable groundswell of support for this unfunny trollop so she's managed to hang on by the skin of her stilted and bad-acting teeth. What she does at CTU is anyone's fucking guess, but because she's obviously giving regular head to a producer, whatever computer emergency comes up, she's automatically an expert in it. Fighting viruses, positioning satellites, looking severely unattractive.


DAMN IT CHLOE GET ME THE FILES!!

Even simple shit, like listening to radio transmissions from Jack and Chase, if there's anything that requires circuit boards, suddenly she's irreplacable. There is only truly good Chloe moment in all of 24, and it came towards the end of season three, and right at the peak of my inescapable hatred for the frown-faced tart. She was persistently whining about some boring shit, like she always is, when Tony Cool-As-All-Shit Almeida turned to her and delivered the killer blow:

"Chloe, I'm getting really tired of your personality."

Damn fucking right, hobag, and every fucking other thing about you too, right down to your baby-kidnapping ways and flabby, lacklustre face. I hope you drown in a pool of your own shit.

And finally, to help new viewers, here is a list of the Top Twenty-Four Rules of 24.

1. Important stuff only ever happens at 58 past the hour.
2. Jack Bauer is always right. If you think Jack Bauer is wrong, you are wrong and should kill yourself now to save time. If you do kill yourself, ensure your suicide takes place at 58 past the hour.
3. If you work at CTU and are not a field agent, then get asked to go 'into the field', you will most certainly be shot or killed. Make sure you express your discomfort about going into the field before you leave, to add dramatic tension and sense of injustice to your inevitable death/injury.
4. By Hour 13, 24 dies in the arse. Though this is quickly remedied by about Hour 17, Hours 13-16 are the 24 equivalents of Seasons 9 onwards of The Simpsons. You still watch them because it's a good show, but it hurts to watch. On the plus side, even the worst, most poorly-written hours of 24 are still funnier than new episodes of The Simpsons.
5. Previously stated in Part One of the guide, but if you are the Head of CTU, you are DOOMED. Quit IMMEDIATELY.
6. Informants will always be shot mysteriously before they can reveal the location of the bomb/terrorist/cougar
7. If you are introduced at the start of the episode, or events take place that remind everyone how crucial you are to the running of CTU, you will inevitably be killed or disabled in the next 50 minutes.
8. If you are chasing a terrorist or terrorists and your vehicle is disabled, do not worry, for another car will be waiting nearby (often stocked with a range of weapons and ammunition). It will always be a large, black Ford.
9. If you are involved in terrorist activity and are captured by CTU, you will always be able to extort a Presidential Pardon which will be signed and delivered to you within twenty minutes, no matter how insignificant the information you barter with is.
10. If you are an unamed CTU agent, and you tag along for a dangerous mission with Jack Bauer, you will be killed, and fall within five feet of Jack, who will always be safely tucked behind a conveniently placed steel box. Jack will then kill the remaining bad guys without aiming or reloading.
11. Once you work at CTU, you will always remember every code to lock and unlock every door, and they are never changed.
12. Clearance to work on a 'provisional basis' at CTU is given out free with popcorn.
13. If you are a local cop or sheriff in 24, you have an 89% chance of not living through the hour.
14. CTU has a network of hardware suppliers whose logos are so interesting, for several seconds each hour, characters will be prone to looking at them and seeming interested, or drawing them close to their face to ensure they're in shot. Same goes for useless video-phones whose manufacturer logos are bigger than their screens.
15. If you are romantically entangled with Kim Bauer, you will receive a massive injury to a limb, typically resulting in amputation.
16. CTU only ever employs one Asian employee.
17. One of every four bad guys Jack Bauer shoots who is carrying an automatic rifle will spray it into the air as he dies.
18. If you are a member of President Palmer's staff, there is a 93% chance you will either attempt to betray him, or sleep with him.
19. Conveniently, there are several three to four minute periods in each hour where everyone involved in plots surrounding the terrorist threat will get the majority of their driving done and say absolutely nothing constructive to each other. Then, at the end of such periods, they will recap what was said before the three minute period began to someone, who will nod and have a look of concentration on their face, even though there is absolutely no new information being communicated.
20. Jack Bauer can access crucial information from any computer in the world by tapping on the keyboard with one hand.
21. The offices used by the President must always have at least four television screens mounted on the wall. At least one of them must be showing Fox News.
22. Though they are all highly trained in deception, stealth and counter-terrorism, all CTU employees do 'shifty eyes' when receiving sensitive phone calls. If they are taking a call on the ground floor of CTU, they will always glance upwards at the office of the CTU Director.
23. Although the nature of the work at CTU is intense, difficult and often life-threatening, the CTU recruitment process ensures that only the most unfit, jittery, secretly evil, personality-impaired or accident prone computer analysts will get the open positions.
24. Field agents and CTU directors are made of such high-caliber moral fiber that, no matter what the crisis - be it blowing a colleague's head off, having a friend get crushed by bomb debris, being drugged and beaten, having ankles snapped, having hearts stopped, being shot in major arteries, being addicted to a dangerous narcotic, murdering thirty people, having spouses possibly infected by deadly viruses, having children kidnapped, being brutally beaten, taking people hostage, etc. etc. - they are able to get over it almost instantly and show absolutely no ill effects apart from several hours later where they may put their heads in their hands and think about it, just so the writers can show they haven't forgotten.

The following closing line takes place from 7:49pm to 7:50pm, on July 13 2005. Events occur in real time.

Tonight on Channel Seven, at 8:30pm, a very special television show will air. Special because this show is perhaps the single greatest achievement in all mankind. Bigger than walking on the moon, bigger than Pringles, even bigger than Wrestlemania. It's called 24.

Now, 24 is in its fourth season, which means those of you who watch tonight may be a little confused. So, to make sure you understand the greatness of the best show ever, here is my guide to 24 which I will call:

My Guide to 24
part one
a joint collaboration by tommy and matt 'jack's bitch' sampson




The bulk of 24 scenes are set in the fictional Counter Terrorism Unit, or CTU. Based in Los Angeles (the only city where terrorists are in the entire world), CTU is known for its horrible lighting, staff personality disorders and constant sabotage by evil moles. When you watch 24, you'll hear CTU workers throw around words like 'protocols', 'satellite uplinks' and 'sockets'. These are passed off as intelligent computer lingo, however they are just excuses for the script writers to confuse the audience long enough for them to notice that nobody does any damn work in this place. Only people with connections to terrorists or complex social problems are allowed to work at CTU. Being the head of CTU is the most dangerous job in the entire world behind interviewing Tom Cruise. Over the past few seasons, heads of CTU have been:

• Exposed to radioactive poisoning
• Become cocaine addicts to go deep cover in a Mexican drug family
• Been murdered by one of their own agents via order of the President due to the demands of a pooncy British terrorist
• Placed in prison for treason after working with a terrorist to free their CTU-agent lover who was taken hostage and used as blackmail

CTU Los Angeles is under the juridstiction of two places called 'Division' and 'District', however these are just fancy names for 'People who tell Jack Bauer to stop doing cool stuff'.


The CTU Offices WHERE NOBODY PAYS THE LIGHTING BILL


Given the obvious dangers of the role and necessary hard-ass-ness required to take on its responsibilities, the role of CTU Head has only fallen on the toughest of men. I say men, because women, with their emotional tendancies and smaller cranium, could not possibly handle the stresses, rigors and high, glass corner offices involved in the position. In years past, there was only one head honcho. In CTU's glory days of hunting nuclear weapons and foiling international assassins, that role was filled by America's greatest ever hero, George Mason. Despite being lethally exposed to extreme levels of Uranium, throughout the last day of his life George was still the wise-cracking, scheme-hatching, witness-beating renegade he had always been, and crashed a plane into the desert with a nuclear bomb on board despite the fact he was breaking out in random, weeping sores and knowing that his death would deprive the world of 37% of its total coolness.


The greatest person in the world? Our experts say yes

After George's blaze-of-glory-and-atoms death, the CTU head job was split into two roles - Head of Operations, and Head of Field Ops. Head of Field Ops went to Tony Almeida, a CTU alumnus from all the way back in Season One whose voice has only ever raised above a whisper three times, was shot in the neck and went back to work four hours later, and was the first CTU worker to bone his hot colleague and not have anyone die because of it. But only just. Tony eventually lost his job at the end of last season for just being too cool for school. And also something about treason. He tried to explain himself, but no one could hear his manly, husky whispers.


I'm sorry Mr Almeida you'll have to speak up

The obvious person we're leaving out here is the one and only, my personal wet-dream, Jack Motherfucking Bauer. Jack was head of CTU in Season 1, left after his wife was murdered by his former lover and co-worker, came back to CTU on a provisional basis to stop a nuclear bomb and save his black friend's Presidency, then somehow worked his way back up to Head of Field Ops, then got fired again for being a junkie. But it was in the line of duty, honest. So Jack has now gone to work for the Secretary of Defence, which isn't nearly as cool because his job has the word 'Secretary' in it, but at least he gets to bone the Secretary's daughter and also walk around in hot suits all the time. But, being Jack Motherfucking Bauer, you know it's not going to be too long before he ends up at CTU again, again, and will be involved in more unlikely plot devices in the coming 24 hours.



Your eyes aren't worthy to look upon Jack Bauer