BenoitWikiGate 2007

I was going to blog about the Rove/Xibit feud, but we'll push that back to Monday, because Benoit is still all over the news, and considering pro wrestling is the only thing I really know about, I may as well take advantage of it.

There is an interesting news story about Benoit's Wikipedia page, specifically the entry that says he missed WWE's 'Vengeance' Pay-Per-View (which took place a few hours after he murdered his retarded son) because of the 'death of his wife Nancy'. Only thing is, it was posted 14 hours before cops discovered the bodies. Not only that, the I.P address of the dude who changed it hailed from Stamford, Connecticut - home of the WWE, and my personal Mecca.

Is Vince McMahon a Wikipedia Contributer?

But, I don't buy it. It was public knowledge Benoit missed Vengeance and the Saturday show because of a family emergency, and was also known that he'd told people his wife and son were 'vomiting blood' (LIAR!@). In other words, some dick has made an assumption, turned out to be right, and now it's a conspiracy.

Of course, it wasn't the only edit done to Benoit's wikipedia page. In search of a hot exclusive news item, I dove into the Benoit Wiki archives, and found some other, Sydney Morning Herald-worthy revisions...

Here's one, just hours before the news broke...


I remember the match where Benoit won the Queen's Award For Being So Boring.

But, you've told us what he did in 2004... What did he do in 2003?



God, I remember it like it was yesterday. The only thing more entertaining than the Benoit fart was the Benoit fart video highlights package the WWE showed on Smackdown! that week.

Anything more recent, say... 2007?


Wow. I think this is why my uni lecturers never liked Wikipedia sources.

And, finally...




Pictures promoting gay items? First off - considering he's shirtless, oiled up and wearing wrestling tights in most of his pictures, what could he possibly be holding that could make him look gayer?




Ohhh.... Right.

Well, I guess it proves wrestling isn't fake...

I wasn't going to blog about this, because when I found out yesterday morning that wrestling god Chris Benoit and his family were found dead in their home, I was trying to ignore the obvious. I mean, if it was a random truck driver, found dead in his house with a dead wife and kid, I'd be the first to say 'HE'S A MURDERER~!', but this was Chris freaking Benoit! His nickname was 'The Crippler', not the 'Murder/Suicider'!

I also figured if I put a 'Chris Benoit R.I.P' blog up, I'd get a few dozen comments along the lines of

lol wrestlin is gay

what r u a fgt

did chris benoit put a crippler crossface on your cock

And so on.

But, now it turns out the obvious was obvious for a reason. Chris Benoit murdered his family. A week ago, I would have put that sentence in the 'no way' category next to 'John Howard grew wings out of his anus and flew to the moon' and 'Wil Anderson had an original thought'.

It's hard to explain Chris Benoit's legacy to people who don't follow wrestling, or who think it's shit. Benoit was the wrestling fan's wrestler. He was the guy who you could appreciate, even if you knew the whole thing was scripted.

While The Rock was getting movie deals, and Hulk Hogan was getting VH1 reality shows, Benoit was on the road, 320 days a year, chopping the shit out of people. If a wrestler wanted to improve their work, they'd ask for a match with Benoit. If the WWE management wanted to get a new guy over with the fans, they'd put them with Benoit.

Benoit in WCW in 1999, totally not on roids.
The black armband was for Owen Hart, the dead wrestler who didn't kill himself and his family.

In March 2004, at Wrestlemania 20, he made me yell at the television for the first time since I was 8. (Since then, I've also yelled at the bit in Lost where Locke gets shot). I knew he wasn't really hurting Triple H when he locked in the Crossface submission, but I also knew that I wanted to see Chris Benoit, my favourite wrestler, the nicest guy in an industry full of arseholes and narcissists, win the World Title at Wrestle-fucking-Mania. So there I was, yelling 'TAP!@# TAP YOU SON OF A BITCH!@#' at my Foxtel at 11am in the morning.


And the son of a bitch tapped.


Chris Benoit had won the World Title. A few matches earlier, his best friend Eddie Guerrero had also won a World Title. For a few minutes, they made me forget that the Crippler Crossface doesn't actually hurt, that you can't physically whip someone into the ropes, and that the referee is never looking when the bad guy cheats. For a few minutes, it was real to me, damn it.

Eddie Guerrero (right) and Psycho Fucking Cockface (left)

By Wrestlemania 22, Eddie Guerrero was dead. Heart failure, induced by massive steroid and painkiller abuse. And last weekend, Chris Benoit had strangled his wife, asphyxiated his seven-year old son, and hanged himself.

And I know this sounds stupid, eulogising a murderer just because I liked to watch him do diving headbutts off the top rope. But when Chris Benoit the fucking psycho made his appearance this weekend, he didn't just murder a family. He murdered Chris Benoit the wrestler. And that sucks.

Does it even remotely compare to the slaying of a kid and his mum? No. Should I even be comparing the two? Probably not.

But well........ fuck you, Chris Benoit.

An actual 'Letter to the Editor' from the July FOXTEL Magazine:

WWE SMACKED DOWN

I am writing to complain about the atrocious wrestling match on May 8 called SmackDown. I was not the only one who was absolutely disgusted about the way three supposedly intelligent individuals were allowed to conduct an anything goes assault on one poor individual.
Now, to my way of thinking you wouldn't recieve this barbaric treatment in a war. The referee and the promotors of this disgusting event should be charged with aggravated assault. This is only encouraging people, and in particular children, to become violent towards one another.

D Gregory, QLD.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
AHAHAHAHAHA


AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAHAHAHHAHAHAAHHAAH


From the way that letter is written, I'm going to guess the person who sent it in would be about forty years old, probably more. First of all, 'Smackdown' is the name of the SHOW, not the name of the 'match'. Second of all, what have professional wrestlers ever done to make you think they're 'supposedly intelligent', and third of all 'you wouldn't receive this kind of barbaric treatment in a war'?!

"What happened to you while you were in the prison camp soldier?"

"The Nazis sir... they.... they pretended to kick me, oh god it was horrible sarge, they slapped the sides of their legs to make it sound as if the kicks were actually real but they WEREN'T SARGE!@ THEY WEREN'T REAL!@"

"It's ok son you're safe from those barbarians now"


You know what's worse than encouraging children to be violent? Letting children become grown adults without telling them that PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING IS FAKE so they write pooncy letters to Foxtel Magazine and use the word 'individual' twice in one sentence.

Nice one, D. Gregory from Queensland. More like.... Dickhead Gregory from QLD.

LOL!@#

THE KANE BABY - Part 2 - Attack of The Miscarriage
(scroll down for part one)


Matt Hardy wasn't very happy, and challenged Kane to a match whereby the winner would get to marry Lita. Because, the only way to get revenge on a guy who impregnated your girl is to give him a chance to marry her. So, of course, poor old Matt lost, and Kane married his woman in an evil wedding. Then, of course, Lita began accompanying Kane to the ring for his matches, being the supportive wife and all. But then, the shocking twist. In a match pitting Kane against another wrestler called Gene Snitsky, Lita interfered, and was knocked to the ground.


'homoerotic', the new lynx deodorant for wrestlers

Sadly for Lita, Kane, and everyone who wanted to see a little Kane baby, Lita had a miscarriage and lost the baby. Lita would eventually accept this loss by the next episode of TV, and would grow to fall in love with Kane, who by now was obviously a good guy. Because nothing says 'hero' like 'forced a girl to sleep with me and then beat the shit out of her boyfriend live on pay per view'

And you know what the real kicker is? In REAL life, Lita and her original on-screen boyfriend Matt Hardy had been dating for like five years, and then Lita cheated on him while he was injured (he got actually injured during his match with Kane) with another wrestler named Edge, then when real life Matt Hardy bitched about it on his website, he got FIRED by the WWE! So not only did his on-screen girlfriend have a baby with a supernatural demon spawn and then fall in love with said-spawn, off-screen she was banging someone else!

Ain't life a kick in the pants

Pro Wrestling is the coolest thing ever. When it's good, it is the best drama, the best comedy and the best sports event you will ever watch in your life. It can make you suspend your disbelief, make you jump out of your chair and yell at the TV while you watch 250-pound guys in tights pretend to kill each other. But when pro wrestling is bad, it's REALLY bad. And after showing you the pretty side of pro wrestling a few posts down (also the pretty ass, pretty tits and pretty legs of pro wrestling too), it's time to show you the ugly side of my one true love.

THE KANE BABY

The WWE (World Wrestling Entertainment) is the big show in pro wrestling, like the NRL is to Rugby League, or the Canterbury Bulldogs are to gangbanging. One of the WWE 'superstars' is a man named Kane. Kane is the half-brother of The Undertaker, a supernatural, half-dead guy who can shoot lightning and make arena lights turn off. Kane also has the power of making fireworks shoot from the ring. Which wouldn't really come in handy if you get in a fight in a club, but it's really handy if you happen to be a pro wrestler with a fire permit.


grrr me hungry

You see, The Undertaker set fire to his parent's house when he was younger, killing them and Kane. However, KANE WAS NOT DEAD. So after getting his revenge on The Undertaker in 1997, he kinda forgave him and then they were friends again. As you do.

So they went their seperate ways, Kane's burns healed, and he went on to become a regular WWE superstar. Sure, Kane was still evil and did a few things like throw people off stages, electrocute Shane McMahon's testicles with a car battery



and the other stuff kids get up to these days, but then... Kane fell in love.

With Lita.


grrr me slutty

Lita is a female wrestler, who at the time was dating another wrestler named Matt Hardy.


lita i don't mean to alarm you but you have the WWF logo on your right breast

So, Kane did the only thing anyone would in a situation like this. He threatened to kill Matt Hardy unless Lita slept with him. So, Lita agreed, and on an episode of WWE RAW, told Matt Hardy she was pregnant.

With Kane's baby.

:O

Stay tuned folks for the thrilling conclusion to this post LIVE ON PAY PER VIEW MONDAY MAY 16TH