Every three years or so, Australians across our great land head to the polls to make their voices heard (unless you vote Labor in Baulkham Hills) and send one of their representatives to Parliament in the nation's capital. In the centrepiece of our young nation, these chosen few, our nation's finest, get to work crafting laws and policies to advance Australia fair. It is democracy in action, a simple yet beautiful expression of the rights and freedoms we have been blessed with by the architects of the country. Of course, nothing ever goes to plan.

Because on the 14th of May, 2006, democracy died in Australia.


We were no longer allowed to watch our video tapes.

MAJOR COPYRIGHT REFORMS STRIKE BALANCE

Attorney-General Philip Ruddock today announced significant copyright reforms which make our laws fairer for consumers and tougher on copyright pirates.

“These are commonsense amendments which will maintain Australia’s copyright laws as the best in the world for the benefit of our creators and other copyright owners and for the many Australians who enjoy their creative works,” Mr Ruddock said.

Phillip Ruddock's name rhymes with cock. And from that quote, you'd think that might just be a coincidence. Sounds alright, benefiting 'creators' and 'many Australians'. It's win win. And hey, these reforms

- Finally make it technically legal to tape television and radio shows
- Legalise 'format shifting', i.e transferring your Bon Jovi songs from CDs to iPods (or vinyl, if you have the original EP of Slippery When Wet)
- Allow use of copyright material for parody and satire (I used to get away with it by calling my blog an educational tool)

That sounds sweet! Go politicians! Yeah!

But then you look at the fine print. The fine print that politicians and their staffers have spent hours creating. Under the new laws, we can tape the final episode of Blue Heelers, but we can only watch it once. Yes, once you've taped a program and watched it once, this new legislation says you must delete it immediately. And you can't lend it to a friend. The legislation specifically forbids anything aside from personal use. So sorry guys, you can't borrow my video of yesterday's episode of Ready, Steady, Cook. And I can't watch it again either, even though I fully blanked out at the bit where the overly homo host told the young chef with the five o'clock shadow that he'd like to toss his salad.

Mmm, this bechamel sauce tastes delicious

Just once more for emphasis - you can't lend videos to your mates. Anything you tape, you can now only watch once before deleting it as required by law. As required by law. Of the Commonwealth of Australia. A nation founded on convicts, and we can't even lend tapes to each other.

AND THESE PEOPLE GET PAID TO MAKE THIS STUFF UP.

IT'S ALMOST LIKE THE GOVERNMENT WHO CAME UP WITH THIS LEGISLATION HAS BEEN INFLUENCED BY SOME KIND OF LOBBY GROUP FROM SOME KIND OF INDUSTRY WHICH MAKES SOME KIND OF MONEY FROM SELLING DVDS AND CDS

IT'S ALMOST LIKE DEMOCRACY IS BULLSHIT BECAUSE I CAN'T LEND ANYBODY MY TAPE OF THE LAST EPISODE OF FUCKING HEADLAND, WHICH GOT CANCELLED AND WON'T BE AVAILABLE TO BUY ON DVD ANYWAY SO IT'S REALLY NOT HURTING ANYBODY SO WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM WITH THAT RUDDOCK

IT'S ALMOST LIKE THIS IS A STUPID LAW MADE BY STUPID FUCKTARDS WHOSE SEXUAL FANTASIES CONSIST OF RAPING MR SQUIGGLE WITH AN ELECTRIC PENCIL SHARPENER AND A FEW LITRES OF WD-40, AND I CAN SAY THAT ABOUT A COPYRIGHTED CHARACTER BECAUSE THIS IS CONSIDERED PARODY

SO GO FUCK YOURSELF, PALPATINE.

Tony Blair said 'Bloody'!!

The British Prime Minister, Tony Blair, said 'Bloody'!!

The leader of the British Labour Party, one Mister Tony Blair, said 'Bloody'!

Der Britisches Premierministers, Tony Blair, besagtes 'Bloody'!

Le Premier Ministre Britannique, Tony Blair, ehhh, how you say ehh... Bloody?

And then I ate the whole Watermelon like this and it was really nice and yummy

HOW COME THE PRIME MINISTER OF A COUNTRY WHO BANNED THE AD IN THE FIRST PLACE CAN SAY BLOODY, YET OUR OWN BLOODY PRIME MINISTER CAN'T BRING HIMSELF TO DO IT?!@#w

BET YOU WISH YOU DIDN'T VOTE FOR THE SLACK JAWED LITTLE PRICK NOW, DON'T YOU

BECAUSE YOU KNOW LATHAM WOULD HAVE DROPPED THE B-BOMB AND A WHOLE LOT MORE THE OTHER DAY

THEN HE WOULD HAVE GRABBED CHERIE BLAIR'S ARSE, AND SAID, HEY, THAT'S A BLOODY GOOD ARSE YOU'VE GOT THERE, BUT MY WIFE JANINE HAS BETTER KNOCKERS


AND IT WOULD BE TRUE


There's only one way to solve this. Writing in caps on my blog just won't cut it anymore.



Somebody get me the Governor General.

I love Pringles. Always have. I remember my first taste of God's gift to potato chips, back when I was about 11. I remember whenever I was off sick from school, my Mum would get me some Pringles and a video to watch. Life was good. Pringles were even better.

And then the motherfuckers got rid of Cheez-Ums.

It used to be that Pringles came in four flavours back then - Original, Sour Cream and Onion, BBQ and Cheez-Ums. A four-way of flavour. A syndicate of savoury. A word describing group of a synonym for flavour beginning with the same letter. But around 1999, the Fab Four were broken up. No Yoko Ono this time, though there are rumours that Cheez-Ums were discontinued in Australia due to high MSG content, and she was Asian so you never know.

Yoko may be hiding Cheez Pringles in her hair in this photograph taken in 1978.

Pringles tried to compensate by releasing new flavours into the Australian market. Cheese and Onion. Paprika. Pizza. All of them flew by the wayside, unable to measure up to the oheesy goodness of Cheez-Ums, the King of Pringles. Sure, I'd eat them. I'd even enjoy them. But everytime I popped, I thought of my old flame. I thought of how I used to eat a whole pack in a day. How I used to 'melt' them on my tongue. The feel of her soft, cheesy flavouring filing my mouth. Oh god, how I loved thee.

All this time, Cheez-Ums Pringles were available in the United States. So, on the very first day in America, a mere hour and a half after we arrived in our hotel in Annaheim, I ran down to the hotel gift shop. And what was staring me in the face?

Perfection.

Say Cheez lol

Stacks of Cheez-Ums Pringles. $1 for a small can. I bought two. The taste was divine, the aftertaste not so much. Combined with a furry, jetlagged mouth, I could taste Cheez-Ums well into the night. I was in Pringles Heaven. Yes, Pringeven.

The affair was short-lived. Sure, there were more Cheez-Ums Pringles in Phoenix. More in Vegas. A few in Vancouver, coupled with some Ketchup flavoured Pringles. But like all affairs, it ended abruptly. I returned to Sydney with a bag full of American chocolate, but no Pringles. That part of my life was over.

Cut to yesterday. Fade into Woolworths, Winston Hills. Star wipe to me pushing a trolley through Aisle 5. Close-up of my chiseled face. Sounds of artillery fire in the background. The camera pans, halfway up the aisle, resting on a tight shot of cans of Pringles. Different coloured cans of Pringles...

New flavours of Pringles.

Yes, those fuckers had betrayed me once again. New 'Tastes of The World' Pringles, including 'Tomato and Mozarella', and 'Smoky Bacon'. Wow, how exotic. Tomato and bacon. What obscure nations have these... how you say 'tomato and bacon'. Do they dine on bacon much in the French Riveria? Is Tomato a delicacy in South America? Hey, I hear CHEESE IS PRETTY FUCKING POPULAR, WHY DON'T YOU MAKE SOME CHEESE PRINGLES?! WHO SKIPS TO BACON FLAVOURED CHIPS BEFORE CHEESE?! YOU HAVE CHEESE FLAVOURING! YOU TAUNT ME BY MIXING CHEESE FLAVOURING WITH TOMATO FLAVOURING BEFORE EVEN CONSIDERING THAT SOMEBODY MIGHT LIKE CHEESE FLAVOURING BY ITSELF ON A FUCKING CHIP!@w I KNOW THAT'S A WACKY IDEA, CHEESE FLAVOURED CHIPS, BUT MAYBE YOU'D MAKE A BIT MORE MONEY IF YOU COVERED THAT BASE BEFORE RELEASING PAPRIKA FLAVOURED FUCKING POTATO CHIPS YOU SMILING SON OF A BITCH MR PRINGLES!#@w

PROOF.

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If you walk past my Subway shop at 5:30pm

When I'm standing at the cash register counting money

When the massive glowing sign that says SUBWAY is turned off

When you can see a mop in the background

When the bread holder is closed

When the massive glass case where we keep the meats and salads is completely and utterly empty and covered in cleaning products


DON'T ASK ME IF "SUBWAY IS STILL OPEN?"


Love,

Tommy

Those damn Melbournians have done it again...

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - A videotape televised on Sunday purportedly from a U.S.-member of al Qaeda threatened Los Angeles and Melbourne, Australia, on the fourth anniversary of the Sept. 11 attacks.

ABC News said it had received the video in Pakistan. It reported the masked speaker appears to be Adam Gadahn, from southern California, who threatens attacks on the two cities, "Allah willing," and warns that the attackers will show no compassion.

"Yesterday, London and Madrid. Tomorrow, Los Angeles and Melbourne," he said.

"We love peace, but peace on our terms," the speaker said.

From Reuters

Ok, it's bad enough you gave us Peter Costello. It's bad enough you're stealing Game 2 of the State of Origin series next year. You're even trying to copy our 2000 Olympics with this 'Commonwealth Games 2006' crap.

But now you want to steal OUR terrorist attacks?!

What's your fuckin problem Melbourne

huh

huh

You want a piece of this cause we'll go all up in your hizzouse. You think Steve Bracks can save you from the terrorists huh, cause he can't

Who's cock have you been sucking at Al Qaeda to get this special attention? Huh? It's not like the first city you think of after Los Angeles, the entertainment and smut capital of the world, is MELBOURNE HOME OF THE TRAM

"Muhammed, we must strike Melbourne."
"Why brother?"
"Because they have the tram."

THESE THREATENED ATTACKS BELONG IN SYDNEY ALRIGHT

WE'VE WORKED VERY HARD SO WE CAN GET BLOWN UP AT PEAK HOUR ONE DAY

MAYBE ONCE OUR TRANSPORTATION SYSTEM HAS BEEN DEBILITATED WITH A CO-ORDINATED STRIKE, THEN YOU CAN HAVE A GO, BUT NOT BEFORE

FUCK MELBOURNE YOU'RE SUCH A LITTLE GIRL

So I took a break from studying for my Year 10 exams and went bowling last night. I hadn't been bowling for a few years, and though I started off strong with a strike, it was all downhill from there. I have the bowling technique of Rainman if he were a twelve year old girl who couldn't judge distance. Anyway, my shitty bowling isn't worth a blog in itself. But SEXUAL DISCRIMINATION IS.

We bought unlimited games you see, and by about the sixth game you start to get a tad bored playing with your balls. And bowling them. So, we thought it would be neat to be even lamer and get some BUMPER BOWLING ACTION!@ Double the strategy, half the skill! Little did we know, however, that Castle Hill Wondabowl is run by a bunch of WOMEN-HATING CONSERVATIVES. We were informed, when we politely asked to get the bumpers put up on our lane, that they could only be put up 'for girls.' Apparently FEMALES CAN'T BOWL ACCORDING TO THE WOMEN-HATING NAZIS AT WONDABOWL. So, the bumpers only went up when it was the token girl's turn to bowl! So the rest of us got to look on, watching the bumpers slowly descend back into the gutters from which they came everytime it was our turn to bowl, all because we don't have VAGINAS.


The manager of Wondabowl (right) and his family

What next, guys get 2 games and shoe hire, girls get 2 games, shoe hire and a MOP AND BUCKET TO CLEAN UP THE LANE WHEN THEY'RE DONE? I mean I know our Prime Minister is living in the 1950's, but surely our bowling alleys are different. Surely a bowling alley should be the one place where men and women can co-exist as equals, all striving together to knock down white pins while listening to music that hasn't been updated since 1999? IS THIS NOT AMERICA?!


The new Female Only lane at Wondabowl

Lift your game Wondabowl, and let men enjoy the wonders of bumper bowling. Or else I'm getting a sex change

So, you've all heard those McDonald's ads where they make fun of 'other' sandwich stores for taking ages to make a sandwich? ('Whaaatttt woooullddd youuu likkkeee onnn youuurrr suubbbbbbb?') Well, before today I didn't have a problem with them. Obviously they were taking a pot shot at me, and every other Subway Sandwich Artist. Obviously McDonald's thinks they're so inferior to me that they have to defame me on the radio. That's cool. Jealousy makes people do stupid things. But today those red-nosed fuckers crossed the line.

Making fun of Subway for being slow would be cool, if McDonald's was faster. But today, I order a Chicken Caesar Deli Choice (with one gram less fat than a Big Mac mind you) and how long does it take? 1 minute? No. 2 or 3 minutes, the average time that same sub would take at Subway? Nope. Maybe 4 minutes? Nein. 5 minutes, the time it would take me to make 3 footlongs? No. Not even close.

My Chicken Caesar Deli Choice took SIX MINUTES. SIX MINUTES OF WAITING AT THE MCDONALD'S COUNTER, WATCHING OTHER PEOPLE GET THEIR CHEESEBURGERS AND MCNUGGETS AND BIG MACS AND MCHEARTDISEASES, OCCASSIONALLY CHECKING MY PHONE SO IT LOOKS LIKE I HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO EVEN THOUGH I WAS JUST AT THE SHOPS TO BUY SOME SECOND-HAND BOOKS TO READ BECAUSE I AM CHEAP

TICK TOCK TICK TOCK MCDONALDS

SIX MINUTES! SIX MINUTES OF MY LIFE WAITING FOR SOME DUDE TO PUT TWO PIECES OF CHICKEN, BACON, LETTUCE AND SAUCE ON A ROLL WHILE REPEATING SAID INGREDIENTS OUT LOUD LIKE IN THE AD. WOW DUDE YOU HAD 4 THINGS TO PUT ON A SUB, YOU'RE SO HIGH TECH. WHY NOT TRY MAKING A FUCKING FOOTLONG CHICKEN PIZZIOLA WITH ALL THE SALADS AND TRY DOING YOUR RECITING OUT LOUD BULLSHIT?! YOU'D GET STUCK AT THE FIFTH SALAD YOU FUCKING HACK, NONE OF YOU MCSLAVES COULD HACK IT IN THE FUCKING MAJOR LEAGUES AND YOU FUCKING KNOW IT

Now Jim, we use our Time Shifting device to waste more of Tommy's time. Please place your enormous nose inside the Time Matrix cylinder

YOU DEFAME MY CHARACTER, YOU SPEND HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS ON RADIO ADS THAT CLAIM I'M SLOW, AND YOU'RE THE ONES WHO TAKE SIX MINUTES TO MAKE A CHICKEN SANDWICH?

AND SPEAKING OF MCFUCKNOLDS

WHAT'S WITH THE SPOONS THEY GIVE YOU FOR REGULAR SUNDAES? I'VE SEEN 14 YEAR OLD GIRLS WITH IMAGE PROBLEMS WHO ARE THICKER THAN THESE THINGS. IT'S THE ONLY THING IN THE WORLD THAT SOFT SERVE ICE CREAM CAN SNAP IN HALF

AND THOSE SPOONS THEY GIVE YOU WITH MCFLURRIES? ARE THOSE CUTLERY OR A PIECE OF A FUCKING SPACE SHUTTLE?! WHY ARE THEY HOLLOW? WHATS WITH THE GREY PLASTIC? MAYBE THE SPACE SHUTTLE COLUMBIA WOULDN'T HAVE CRASHED IF MCDONALDS WEREN'T STEALING THEIR SPARE PARTS FOR ICE CREAM SUNDAES

The new McFlurry spoon, now with mp3 player and central heating

AND HOW COME THEY GIVE YOU DICED ONION ON A CHEESEBURGER BUT AS SOON AS YOU UPGRADE TO A QUARTER POUNDER YOU GET THESE MASSIVE CHUNKS OF ONION?! WHY MAKE TWO SEPERATE KINDS OF ONION FOR NO REASON? NO WONDER YOU HAVE TO PAY YOUR EMPLOYEES $5 AN HOUR, YOU'RE THROWING MONEY AWAY ON VEGETABLE SLICERS

SIX MINUTES OF MY LIFE RONALD, SIX MINUTES OF MY LIFE WERE HAMBURGLED EARLIER TODAY, AND ONE WAY OR ANOTHER, YOU'LL PAY. IT MIGHTN'T BE TODAY, IT MIGHTN'T BE TOMORROW BECAUSE I AM BUSY, BUT EVENTUALLY, YOU'RE GOING DOWN CLOWN


YOU'RE GOING DOWN

JUST A TASTE OF WHAT'S TO COME RON

Game 1 of the State of Origin was on last night FUCKING KIMMORLEY WITH HIS SHITTYFUCEKINKICKS , it was an absolute cracker. Of course, KIMROELYEIWHT DIE DIE DIE there was one player who didn't really live up to the hype, and that was NSW Halfback Brett Kimmorley. Now, I'm not one to get vindictive when a footy team loses UFCKINE GKIMMORLEY PIECE OF FUCKING SHITE OH I MIGHT THROW AN INTERCEPT PASS BECAUSE I LIKE DICK but Kimmorley really needs to lift his game if he wants to play in the big leagues. 4 of his 5 kicks in the first ten minutes were horrible, his attacking options HOPE HE GETS FUCKING HIT BY A CAR WHEN HE'S FUCKING WLAKING WITH HSI WBOYFRIEND were weak, and he made a few monumental stuff-ups that surely cost NSW the game (his intercepted pass in golden point, missed conversion, offside penalty). I think Brett Kimmorley is an excellent player FUCKEING PIECE OF SHIT SHORT LITTLEF FUCKE RIWTH TINY DICK but I don't think he should be selected for Game 2.

Anyway, what's in the past is in the past, there's no point bitching about it. You tried your best Brett, and that's all we can ask for.


I will now leave you with a photo of Brett Kimmorley being sexually assaulted by a North American Grizzly Bear

I normally only mention this when I'm trying to impress a chick, but I'm not just a bludging uni media student, I'm also a pretty big player down at Subway at Winston Hills. I'm both a qualified sandwich and wrap artist, and I also make a mean Subway cookie. To put it simply, I'm the fucking pants.

Now, Subway run ads on Sydney radio stations where they'll get a store manager to go 'Hi I'm Spiros I'm the manager at Subway Cabramatta' so listeners know that next time they're escaping the Vietnamese Triads in Cabramatta they can pick up a foot-long. Anyway, as I was having a shower this morning (pics will be posted later) I hear 'Hi I'm Jessica, I'm the manager at Subway Winston Hills'.

NO, YOU'RE NOT.

Without breaking a whole bunch of privacy laws, there is a girl named Jessica who works at Subway Winston Hills, but she works only a few shifts on the weekends. She is about as far from manager as you can get. On a scale of 1 to manager, she's a 2, and I'm rounding up here. So what's the deal, Subway promotions? Not only are you overlooking my soothing, baritone voice for your gay ads, you're LYING TO THE AUSTRALIAN PEOPLE.



I'M TAKING THIS STRAIGHT TO THE TOP SUBGAY

YOU HEAR ME


STRAIGHT TO THE TOP