Big Brother - More like MorMOAN lol

Whenever there's nothing else to blog about, I'm just going to talk about Big Brother. I hope that's cool. If not, feel free to look through the archives instead, for all the times I just bitched about John Howard when I had nothing else to blog about.

Rebecca is Big Brother's first Mormon. For those of you who don't know for sure, Mormons are a sub-sect of Christianity, who don't drink, smoke or practice rational thought. The main difference between them and your vanilla Christian is that the Mormons made up their religion about 180 years ago. This is in direct opposition to regular Christianity, which was made up about 2000 years ago.

thou shalt not steal jokes

Rebecca is also the subject of attention in the house for her teetota...lating belief, at least according to News.com.au..

THE parents of Big Brother 's Mormon contestant, Rebecca Dent, are upset their daughter is under siege from fellow housemates over her decision not to join in their party antics.

Rebecca's mother, Rosemary Dent, has spoken exclusively to The Sunday Mail about her concerns for her daughter, who is finding it hard to bond with housemates.

"She should not be criticised for her belief," Mrs Dent said of Rebecca, 23.

"The housemates are giving her a hard time because she is not participating in their drinking games.They have said some hurtful things. They are really focusing on her religion. People need to accept her as she is."

I watch Big Brother quite often, and.... no. People have questioned why Rebecca doesn't want a Vodka Cruiser, and they've asked her if she's ever been tempted to leave the flock and they've even *:O* talked about naughty things in front of her, but nothing hurtful.

Hurtful would be like 'Hey, Rebecca, do you want a glass of wine, or are you a fucking retard for believing Jesus lived in America?', or 'Hey Bec, do you want a Vodka Cruiser and while I've got you here how come you think Native Americans are the direct descendents of a tribe of evil brown Lamanite Jews?'

chief penny pincher, of the levenwitz tribe

There's no point bagging out Rebecca for her mum being protective, but the whole thing is pretty stupid. It's not like its the Spanish Inquisition in the Big Brother house, it's just people wondering what makes the weird chick that doesn't drink and acts like a 45-year old woman tick.


And if you don't watch Big Brother, here's a midget getting dropkicked.

Not making any point really, I just find Watermelon funny

Hai. Hope you all had a good Anzac Day. I spent the day moving shit for a garage sale on Sunday, and because I felt it was a little un-Anzac, I decided to make up for it. So, I dug a trench in my front yard and shot my Turkish neighbours. Azim was soooo angry.

Speaking of......... Australians, today was the Australian Labor Party's National Conference (see what I did there?). The soundbite for the day was K-Rudd Vampire Butters' introduction, when he went 'My name is Kevin, I'm from Queensland, and I'm here to help'. However, from the look of his face in this pic, I think his name should be something else.

Orrr my name is Chong, and I am here to fix your computer

Anyway, here's a bigger version, where admittedly, he looks less Asian.



And because I can't help myself...





Champagne political satire, Tommy.

Lest We Forget

Big props to all the diggers of wars past and present, and also to World War 2 Prime Minister John Curtin who, according to the ABC tele-movie I saw on Sunday, did quite a bit also. Nice one, John.

Big Brother 2007 - Meet The Bogans

After the 'I got lots of hits' success of last year's blogs about Big Brother, here's the 2007 version. The show launched last night, and I was pretty underwhelmed. The secret relationships sound interesting, but eh. I want psychological torture, and fake Krystal tits. That's all.

In today's blog, we meet the Housemates.



Aleisha

- A bubbly and lively hairdresser, one of eight children
- Claims to have never read a book cover to cover
- Can suck a golf ball through a garden hose





Thomas

- A real estate agent and former pro basketballer
- Saved two children from drowning during a holiday in Bali
- Thinks he can get away with a popped collar just because he's a fuckin' hero




Hayley

- A former body-sculptor turned lawyer, who loves to gossip
- Won Miss Natural Olympia, Miss Natural Figure and Miss Open Figure
- Also won Miss Natural Forehead, amid rumours of implants




Jamie

- A self-proclaimed nerd, who finds dates in chat rooms
- Grew up in an orphanage until he was 6
- Has absolutely no chance of sleeping with anybody in the house
- Except maybe Gretel.



Rebecca

- An events manager, and a Life Be In It coach
- Has never drunk alcohol or worn a bikini.
- Holy shit she's a Mormon
- Oh my god that's so awesome
- Kinda hot


Shane Warne

- Legendary Australian spin bowler
- A true ladies man
- Has self-zincing lips
- *obligatory joke about not being able to send SMS in the house*



Bodie

- An electrical designer from WA.
- Also claims to be an underwear model and gym junkie, whose greatest fear is getting a double chin.
- Has no upper lip




TJ

- Works as a barmaid in Darwin
- Claims to have thought that Prince Charles was Diana's brother until a year ago
- Was also born in Darwin, which is why her name is only two letters
- Most likely a dyke



Joel

- A restaurant manager, elite athlete, neat freak and Young Liberal
- His friends describe him as the funniest person they know
- Chooses friends who don't recognise the irony of a Young Liberal being 'the funniest person they know'
- Most likely a dyke


Emma

- A personal trainer, and the eldest of seven children
- Nose






Cruz

- Born in PNG, a practicing Christian that runs his own clothing label
- Not a housemate yet, one of a choice of 3 guys to be voted in the house, who I only included because...
- Cruz believes men are superior to women because Jesus was a man.
- Wicked. And he's black.


Andrew/WWE World Champion John Cena

- A firefighter and self-described 'softy'
- The thing Andrew will miss most in the house is his puppy.
- This dude is totally going to win
- Defeated Shawn Michaels at Wrestlemania 23



Kate

- A lawyer and former champion debator.
- Was accepted into Oxford, but couldn't fit through the doors
- Is actually Jay Leno.







Awesome. And only three of them have STDs.

The Virginia Tech Shooting Blogstravaganza - Part 2 - 'Cho: The Softer Side'

Oh Cho. Even when you dress up like a tough guy, you still look like a MySpace emo.



Ok, that mightn't be the original picture ('faggot' was misspelt in the original), but you get the idea. This dude was straight-up weird. He dresses up as Tomb Raider, and doesn't even include the giant tits. And apparently, Cho's 'Hammer-Time' pose is straight from a South Korean movie called 'Oldboy' in English, or 'I Can't Read Gook' in Korean.



But those pictures, the... manifesto of the madman, the portfolio of the psychotic, the.... gallery of the......gaybo aren't the real Cho. The real Cho isn't a bloodthirsty killer, he's an artist. He's a visionary.


He's a playwright.


I give you Cho's screenplay, 'Richard McBeef'. Richard McBeef tells a coming-of-age story about a boy named John, his mother, and his step-dad, the unfortunately named Richard McBeef. Basically, the gimmick is that John hates Richard, calls him all sorts of shit, then Richard snaps and everything goes to hell.

Cho style.

Along with some of Cho's other writings, McBeef's graphic violence saw his teachers recommend Cho for psychological evaluation. Also, this dialogue probably had something to do with it.

JOHN
You ain't my dad and you know it, you Dick.

RICHARD
Come on John. Sit down. We need to have a man-to-man talk.

JOHN
Man-to-man up your ass, bud!

'To be or not to be', 'If you prick me, do I not bleed?' and now... 'Man-to man up your ass, bud!'.

Of course, that's not the best stuff in McBeef. Take the high-drama action scenes, for example.



Richard McBeef, while a useful insight into the violent, disturbed mind of a killer, pales in comparison to Cho's second opus - Mr. Brownstone. Mr. Brownstone is set in a Casino, and...well, is basically just a bunch of kids bitching about their teacher and how they want to murder him.

The first thing that strikes you about Mr. Brownstone is the unique character names.



Seriously, considering your name is Chode Feng Shui, we're going to expect better names for your sicko screenplay fantasies than 'Joe'.

More importantly, did Cho proof-read any of this? Maybe that was his problem. He didn't proofread. A quick second-look at a paragraph like, oh, I dunno, this one about taking a massive shit, and maybe Cho might have realised he was fucked up before he went all Counter-Strike on a college campus.


Rrrrrigghht.


Here's an idea Cho, if you're reading this in some parallel past universe - spare us all the trouble and get yourself a fucking blog.

The Virginia Tech Shooting Blogstravaganza - Part 1

Disclaimer: What happened at the school was a tragedy, which is why the following blogstravaganza will contain no jokes about the victims, the poor girl who was unlucky enough to date a complete fucking psycho, or anything like that. Tommy and Matt do however, reserve the right to insult the shooter, anything he's done or was ever going to do, his entire race, country and anything he's ever believed in.




That is the shooter, twenty-three year old Cho Seung-Hui, pronounced 'Far-King-Ug-Lee'. How round is his head? There are absolutely no corners on that sucker. It's like he's been sanded to make him child safe. He is a native of South Korea, thereby ruining the whole 'we're the good Korea' thing they had going for half a century or so.

sorry guys, but now the smoke monster has to eat you

Details of the nature of the shootings and the exact sequence of events are unclear, even now. However, several eyewitness reports have been coming in from the terrified students who were present during Cho's rampage.

The shooter was "wearing a vest covered in clips was just unloading on their door, going from classroom to classroom … they said it never seemed like it was going to stop and there was just blood all over," Harrison said.

Having these witnesses come forward has proved invaluable to the investigators of the tragedy. If it had been left up to infamous TommyIsCool blogger Matt, I don't think the picture of events would have been nearly as encompassing.

The shooter had "slanty eyes, yellow skin, a triangular hat made out of that woven wood-type stuff, a big stick across his shoulders with two buckets of rice, was in a little midget submarine and was yelling out 'I'm so ronery!'" said Sampson.

Immediately after the shootings, the tragic massacre became politicised. Gun control advocates blamed guns, while the vast American gun lobby blamed Muslims and gays. Some have even gone so far as to say that if more students had been armed that day, lives could have been saved. To which we say...

Ever heard of crossfire, you dumb shits?

Predictably, President Bush has placed himself on the side of the gun lobby, stating that the 2nd amendment to the Constitution, the 'right to bear arms', will not be infringed. Because it's not like America's gun culture is in any way to blame for such a tragedy.

what do you mean 'who is other', i dont know what you're talking about

Speaking of armed students, the flurry of media attention and rapid Googling resulted in a case of mistaken identity. For a few hours, people across the interweb were convinced that this was the LiveJournal of the killer. In their defense, it was pretty hard to tell the difference. He went to Virginia Tech, he had a girlfriend, shitloads of guns and all Asians look the same.

worst. timing. ever.

Sadly for this poor guy, he had to take it upon himself to clear his name, after people left death threats on his phone. Now, we get that this event has obviously made people emotional, but how fucking retarded do you have to be to leave a death threat on the phone of a guy who shot himself?

Unfortunately, as we all know, massacres like this are bound to happen. It appears to just be human nature (as in, instinct, not the shitty band). That's why we used the tried and true (although gimmicky) TommyIsCool Time Machine to go forward 7 years in time and investigate the future of massacres like these. Caution, the following image may disturb some viewers.

SongMeanings.net - Where deaf retards come to post comments

Anyone ever been to SongMeanings.net? It's straight up balla. Like the name suggests, you type in a song, and you get a few dozen fourteen year-old tools telling you why it reminds them of the time their parents divorced.

a screenshot of the site. disregard the porn in the other tab.

Now, obviously it's hard to find gold when you're looking at decent songs. Fans of bands like U2, or Powderfinger aren't going to write shit meanings. You've got to look for the special bands. the Limp Bizkits, the Evanescences, the Green Days, the System of a Downs, the Nelly....s.

Here's what I'm talking about, this meaning from Evanescence's 'My Immortal'...

I cant stop playing this song loud loud loud and with candles and totally losing myself in it. Its relevance to my life is taking my breath away, making me sad and relieving me at the same time. if you've ever loved a narcissist, you will relate to this song. Im addicted to the beauty, the pain of the song. Its so delicate, it makes me weep and introspective.

Yeah, that song totally relieves me too. It also makes me write comments on SongMeanings.net where I change the tense three times in every sentence. And while we're on the soppy songs that make you want to relieve yourself, here's Coldplay's 'Yellow'.

The first time I understood what this song said, I thought it was about his child. Then I thought about my children. The "skin and bones" part reminds me of how children 4 or under are really skinny with round bellies. What really drove it home was the fact that all three of my children had Jaundice when they were a few days old (fairly common) and they looked yellow for about a week after birth.

You know, maybe the song is about his kid. But I'm pretty sure Chris Martin didn't sit down and bang out a best-selling single about jaundice. Unless all of Coldplay's songs are about skin disease, in which case I guess Bittersweet Symphony is about Seborrhoeic dermatitis.

You know the one that takes you to the places where all the veins meet, yeah?

Here's another 'Yellow' meaning, which really just speaks for itself.

Well the name yellow goes along with the lights to me when lights and stars shine they are yellow he is saying that his love makes him shine so its yellow. He explains how he would do anything because his lover is shining too thats why he says every thing about the love is yellow. He would do anything to see her shine

I mentioned U2 earlier, so I thought I'd check out one of their most straightforward songs - 'With Or Without You'. Apparently, the meaning is so ambiguous that it requires 155 comments. And you know how I said U2 fans weren't going to write shit comments?

I first heard this song on an episode of Friends. Completely blew me away, for months I tried to track down the name of it.

...

Because the TWELVE TIMES THAT BONO SAYS 'WITH OR WITHOUT YOU' ISN'T A CLUE ABOUT THE TITLE OF THE FREAKING SONG.

but bono, before we discuss third world debt relief, what's the name of that 'with or without you' song?

Aside from being the theme song to one of the best motion pictures of the 20th century, Seal's 'Kiss From A Rose' is also loved by pussies.

This song really relates to me, I loved this girl so much, I see her in my dreams, Im always thinking about her. Im still thinking about her. Well I told her how I felt about her, and right know im feeling nothing but torns.
This song is really helping me out on my tuff times right now. Im still trying to get over her, but the love I feel for her is still there and doesnt want to go away. Sad thing is that she will probally go out with some smuck that doesnt respect her and just uses her and have NO true feelings!
That what really hits me! Why this girl doesnt realize that I love her. I told her straight up! A mystery unsolved, well atleast its better than not telling her i love her. Because i would of always wondered IF she did liked me... Well I know the truth

Good lord, it's a MySpace poem. I'm feeling nothing but torns for you baby.

holy emo batman, i cant believe our movie theme song was so lame and girly
it truly is diabolical robin... wait...how come your suit has nipples?

'Jeremy' by Pearl Jam is about an abused kid who kills himself in class, a subtle point obviously missed by this commenter.

my brother told me what he says in the chorus, and this song is now officially my favorite song lyrically. I'd like to think of it as a kid going crazy and shooting all the popular kids and kids that abused him at his school. DIE ALL YOU MOTHERFUCKERS WHO'S LAUGHING NOW? YEAH TAKE A FUCKING BULLET IN YOUR MOTHERFUCKING HEAD!!! ok ill stop now

Yes, you motherfuckers. Who is laughing now?

I also like this comment, because it is funny.

Pearl Jam rocks ~ by the way...what is tea bagging?

Nelly has a song called 'Dilemma'. Apparently it did more than make him lots of money. It lifted an entire country.

"Dilemma" cheered up America because honestly, 2002 was a depressing year. America was reeling in from 9/11, a recession made people lose their jobs.

God bless you, Nelly.

an american hero.... and seriously dude the cut on your face has healed by now

And finally, 'Don't Cha' by the Pussycat Dolls.

THIS SONG MAKES ME WANT TO KILL EVERYONE seriously some peoples parents are divorced and this song just encourages it this is a pile of shit wankers. and the people who sing it masturbate with mouldy bananas eww think about the meaning it is horrible. i . want. them. to. die. NOW.

This is the best site ever.

Joey Johns and other things

So, Andrew Johns announced his retirement from rugby league (the sport they play in heaven, along with baseball and Team Fortress 2) a few days ago, after suffering a neck injury at training, a concussion in Round 1, a neck injury in 2006, a knee injury in 2005, a back injury in 2003, a groin injury in 2002 and an ovary rupture in 2001.

Joey in 1999, before being struck down by a season-ending blindness injury

As expected, Channel Nine's football commentary team/Joey Johns Love Squad immediately jumped into action, devoting an hour or so of The Footy Show last night to their fallen idol. On a more permanent front, plans are already underway to erect a statue of Joey at EnergyAustralia Stadium in Newcastle, and two scale Joey dildos for Peter Sterling and Paul Harragon.

And it will get worse in the weeks to come. Just take a look at Channel Nine's schedule for tonight...

Click me to make me big thatswhathesaid

The Curse Of The Power Rangers - By Tommy, with Matt. Not the other way around.

You remember the Power Rangers right? For me, they were the last kids show I watched before I hit Year 6 and such things were no longer acceptable. So for that reason, they hold a special place in my heart. I'm talking, of course, about the first show, not those weird new ones where they're in space fighting space pandas.

they obviously weren't the mighty morphin fashion rangers, am i right girls

But something always irked me about Power Rangers, even at a young age. It was just so fake. And I have a high tolerance for fakeness. I watch wrestling.

But Power Rangers was just a.... higher level of fakeness. The voice dubbing for the bad guys, obviously lifted from some cheap Japanese show. The stock footage fight scenes, and good lord, the final fight at the end of an episode. Fake fake fake.

If you've never seen an ep of Power Rangers, this is how it went down:

• Rangers would fight the monster of the week, typically a school mascot or inanimate object turned evil by some space bitch

the space bitch

• Monster of the week would grow dramatically in size
• Rangers would be all like oh shit, and then call for their rides (extinct robot animals)
• Monster of the week would kick their arses
• Rangers would combine their rides together to form a giant badass dude
• Monster of the week would kick their arses
• Badass dude would call for his gay magic sword
• Victory
• Corny Power Rangers in street clothes segment
  
• End

Repeat that for a few hundred episodes, and you got yourself a kids show. Though, it wasn't all bad. Power Rangers had one of the single coolest characters in a kids show ever - Tommy, The Green Ranger. And no, it's not just because of his wicked name. I mean, check out this hair.

cool

Tommy was to Power Rangers as Balky was to Perfect Strangers. He was the Hiro, the Locke, the Jack Bauer. How he went from evil to good, and then to White, and then apparently to every colour in the rainbow as he continued to star in every single freaking iteration of Power Rangers ever because he couldn't find any other acting gigs that required being proficient with a magical flute that summoned a robot Godzilla and looking really cool.

I have the power of queer!

But, a quick IMDB says that the only Power Ranger with an acting career after the show is Amy Jo Johnston, the Pink Ranger. The rest read like an acting obituary. And, in the case of the Yellow Ranger Trini, they are an obituary. She died in a car crash in 2001, eight suspicious days before September 11th. I'm not saying she was responsible, but I've always wondered about this picture.



Anyway, I wonder how long Trini was in the hospital for after the crash. I can picture it now. The nurse enters, Trini's eyes open and she yells 'IT'S MORPHINE TIME!!'

...


Yep, we're done.

Cadbury Creme Egg - The chocolate so good, it doesn't need an 'a'.

Today is Easter, or at least the pre-Easter hype day, where we run down the team listings and vital statistics for the main event.



And for better or for worse, the drawcard of Easter for a large chunk of people isn't celebrating the ressurection of Jesus, it's chocolate. So today's blog is for you folks. The kind who bite into a nice, juicy steak on Easter Friday, and watch the Sunday footy while gorging themselves on Cadbury.

And what personifies Easter, if not The Cadbury Creme Egg. It starts hitting stores around January, and doesn't leave till about May. It is the pinnacle of all things Easter. You know the guy next to Jesus on the crosses? His last name was Cremegg. True story.

The Creme Egg is not just the finest Easter chocolate, but one of the greatest chocolates ever. Thick layers of Cadbury, filled with what the wrapping describes as 'fondant', but which we all know is just liquid sugar. And they replicate an egg itself, with a white and a yolk. Though, I hear they just put the yolk in to keep it from looking like sugar semen.

See?

But, even though they're the best Easter chocolate ever, there's something iffy over at Cadbury town. I'll let Wikipedia and star of The Office, B.J Novak, take it away.



On the left (our left, not B.J's), is a Cadbury Creme Egg from 2005. On the right is a Creme Egg from 2007. Notice the difference?

Yes, those Jews over at Cadbury have ruined Easter again.

The size of Cadbury Creme Eggs have dropped 12.3% from their size in 2006. This must not stand. There is no greater issue facing our nation at the moment than the size of Creme Eggs, and I propose a war with Britain until the Cadbury fat cats give us Creme Egg reperations. We must be strong.

I am absolutely not eating a Creme Egg as I type this. That's crazy talk. Fuck you.

The Doctor is [IN]

You may not realise this, but we here at tommyiswhateverdotcom get a great deal of email and hand-written letters in response to the entries we write. Since signing on as part of the full-time team here, most of my time has been dedicated to responding to these letters.

[possibly why you havent written an entry in over a month -tommy]

Now, I did my training in clinical psychology (no, seriously) but a lot of people seem to think that I can be used to answer more general questions about medicine and health in general. So, as part of our current initiative to make this blog more socially responsible (an initiative 'sponsored' by Hornsby Magistrate's Court), here are some of my responses to the letters that we've received. I've also included pictures of what I assume these people look like to fulfill the 'comedy' section of this entry because the rest is serious, medical stuff.



--


Hello, Mr Sampson,

I know you're heavily involved in the world of health services in this country and I was wondering what your thoughts were on the federal government offering the cervical cancer vaccine free of charge to school-age girls.

Hope all is well,
Margaret Kentwell, Mosman.

Hi, Marge, thanks for your letter! Nice to see you old ducks writing letters to someone other than the Sydney Morning Herald to complain about foul language on last night's episode of The Bill. Anyway, I think that the cervical cancer vaccine is a great thing, a fantastic leap forward for cancer research and a very proactive step by the government towards stemming the tide of this horrible disease.

However, at the same time, it's another flagrant display of favouritism by the Howard government in that they are only allowing women to receive the vaccine free of charge! Us men still have to pay for it! I went to my doctor to request the vaccine and he even refused to give it to me! I went through another six or seven GP's before I found a doctor in Campbelltown (here's a shout-out to you, Dr Lim!) who was willing to give it to me. However, I suspect that he is in on the scam because, even though he gave me the shot, he was laughing most of the time. I find this no laughing matter and, even though I have received the vaccine, I still check my cervix every time I'm in the shower just to make absolutely sure it's still cervical-cancer-free.

I find this an absolute outrage and I demand that the fat cats in Canberra do something about this immediately. My life is hard enough, going home to a girlfriend who says that my knowledge of anatomy is so minimal that I have no idea how to pleasure her, without being laughed at while I seek vital medical treatment. If I had no idea about anatomy, would I be answering questions like this? Ha. I'll let you be the judge.

--


yo matt.

i'm a 13 yr old guy and i rly like your blog! ur a lot funnier than that tommy guy i think the blog shuld be called mattiscool hahaha! i liked the story u wrote when tommy was away that was so lol.

neway, iv go ta question to ask and i dont rly feel cool bout goin to mum and dad so i thought id ask u! so lately ive noticed that ive been changing - my voice is gettin deeper, im growing more hair (and on my body, not my head :O !!) and im definitely stronga than my big sister and she used 2 beet me up all tha time!

what do u think is happening?

kthxbi,
pete_da_pimpest044@hotmail.com

Pete, I think we seriously need to address the possibility that you are becoming a werewolf. I know this is worrying for you to think about, but it seems to be the only explanation. Have you had any contact with dogs, domesticated or wild, in the past six or seven years of your life? If so, it's almost a certainty you have been infected with the werewolf germ (or were-germ if you will).

I Googled werewolves and have found that there are few options once infected and that it's only a matter of time before you undergo the painful, scarring and basically horrific transformation into one of the most derided and shunned beasts our world has ever known. Following your transformation, you are destined to stalk the innocent to gouge, tear, rip and generally feast upon them. You will end up loathing yourself but be unable to stop.

Because of this, I can only recommend you take steps to stop this horrible process before it starts. I'm bound by Blogger rules not to suggest anything... specific... to you, but I think you all know what needs to suicide. I mean 'needs to happen'. Little typo there. Good luck, Pete. We all know you'll find it inside you to do what's right, I just hope this reaches you in time.

---


Dear Doctor Sampson,

I have a problem I hope that you can help with. I have noticed that, about three days before I get my period, my breasts seem to get larger. Then, two days before, I seem to get very emotional, crying at small things that I know deep down don't really matter. The very day before I usually get extremely depressed and think very dark, morbid thoughts and I can't help it.

Is this normal? Should I see a GP about this issue? I feel like it's affecting me more and more each month and that it could be developing into something serious.

Sincerely,
PMS'ing in Perth.

Periods are gross. Girls are gross. This letter is totally fucking gross. Thanks a lot, let's move on.

--

Dear Matt,

I think of myself as a pretty regular guy and for the past few months I've been going to the gym to try and get myself in shape. I follow a pretty strict program and go very consistently (I must have a lot of free time, haha), but I'm not seeing any gains at all. You'd think that after this long I'd have made some progress, even by accident, but I'm still as weak as a kitten with cerebral palsy and the ladies don't seem to have noticed me at all!

Please help,
Anonymous.

Tommy, if you want to talk about this just give me a ring instead of writing me, mate. OK later.

--

So I hope that you found this all useful and I certainly hope that the court officer defines this as 'community service' because if he doesn't then I'm shit out of ideas. I'm not going back to that nursing home, I can tell you that.

Fat Chicks In YouTube Hats

It's not often that Matt and I combine our bad jokes into one blog. It's even less often that we resort to copy/pasting our only-funny-to-us MSN convos rather than actually writing something with form and cohesion. Only the most special of special people deserve such a treatment, and we've stumbled upon another.

Her name is debalicious17. And she's licious alright.


Fat-o-licious.


You HAVE to see this video. I will embed it, so you have no choice.




Matt says...
oh my
she thinks she got laid
no way
if she did she killed someone

Tommy says...
hahaha

Matt says...
she looks like she's made out of lava lamp juice
like if her chin hit the rest of her body she would merge into herself

oh god she heard me

Of course, we're not the first ones to discover deb. She's got hundreds of thousands of views, and pantloads of comments. Some support her, (because regular bras can't) and others criticise her for being cranky and fat. Other comments are just totally awesome.




Tommy says...
i like how a few of the comments say people should be judged on their inside appearance
like, did you see the video?
she's fat inside too

Matt says...
hahaha
her line about the comments bagging her out
'when you go into judgement day he's going to bring all this stuff up'
like judgement day is just like a conversation with god that gets really awkward

Tommy says...
hehe

Matt says...
'oh yeah man i saw that game last weekend, that was great'
'yes i know i created that game'
'oh yeah you did too, nice work'
'yes, by the way, you raped your sister when you were 9'

Tommy says...
haha
i wonder if st. peter is subscribed to daxflame



At this part in the video, fatty's phone rings, and she pulls it out from somewhere off camera.

no no, the phone is not for dinner

Matt says...
like
her phone just rang
i thought she sat on a singer

Tommy says...
hahaha
she totally pulls it out of her

Tommy says...
well, one of them

Matt says...
haha
and there is clearly someone else in the room
and every time she turns on the camera
her phone 'just happens' to ring
its obviously a set up

Tommy says...
probably her feeder


But that's not the worst of it. debilicious17 has a few more videos on YouTube. There's one that we couldn't resist watching, involving a Winnie The Pooh denim moo-moo (a Pooh-moo), and what appears to be an accidental striptease from debalicious. Accidental like the fourteen cream buns she 'accidentally' ingested before making these videos.



For those of you who don't want to watch the video, I'll post a picture of the most horrifying thing I've ever seen on the internet, and I've seen TubGirl.




Matt says...
ok, its official, my penis is now just for show

Tommy says...
i just got a boner

* Matt has left the conversation.



Ok, that last part may not have happened. But you try coming up with a better ending that doesn't involve a boner. I dare you.