Tuesday, April 10

The Curse Of The Power Rangers - By Tommy, with Matt. Not the other way around.

You remember the Power Rangers right? For me, they were the last kids show I watched before I hit Year 6 and such things were no longer acceptable. So for that reason, they hold a special place in my heart. I'm talking, of course, about the first show, not those weird new ones where they're in space fighting space pandas.

they obviously weren't the mighty morphin fashion rangers, am i right girls

But something always irked me about Power Rangers, even at a young age. It was just so fake. And I have a high tolerance for fakeness. I watch wrestling.

But Power Rangers was just a.... higher level of fakeness. The voice dubbing for the bad guys, obviously lifted from some cheap Japanese show. The stock footage fight scenes, and good lord, the final fight at the end of an episode. Fake fake fake.

If you've never seen an ep of Power Rangers, this is how it went down:

  • Rangers would fight the monster of the week, typically a school mascot or inanimate object turned evil by some space bitch
the space bitch
  • Monster of the week would grow dramatically in size
  • Rangers would be all like oh shit, and then call for their rides (extinct robot animals)
  • Monster of the week would kick their arses
  • Rangers would combine their rides together to form a giant badass dude
  • Monster of the week would kick their arses
  • Badass dude would call for his gay magic sword
  • Victory
  • Corny Power Rangers in street clothes segment
  • End

Repeat that for a few hundred episodes, and you got yourself a kids show. Though, it wasn't all bad. Power Rangers had one of the single coolest characters in a kids show ever - Tommy, The Green Ranger. And no, it's not just because of his wicked name. I mean, check out this hair.


Tommy was to Power Rangers as Balky was to Perfect Strangers. He was the Hiro, the Locke, the Jack Bauer. How he went from evil to good, and then to White, and then apparently to every colour in the rainbow as he continued to star in every single freaking iteration of Power Rangers ever because he couldn't find any other acting gigs that required being proficient with a magical flute that summoned a robot Godzilla and looking really cool.

I have the power of queer!

But, a quick IMDB says that the only Power Ranger with an acting career after the show is Amy Jo Johnston, the Pink Ranger. The rest read like an acting obituary. And, in the case of the Yellow Ranger Trini, they are an obituary. She died in a car crash in 2001, eight suspicious days before September 11th. I'm not saying she was responsible, but I've always wondered about this picture.

Anyway, I wonder how long Trini was in the hospital for after the crash. I can picture it now. The nurse enters, Trini's eyes open and she yells 'IT'S MORPHINE TIME!!'


Yep, we're done.


mattsampson said...

where is my credit for that morphine time line?

also, you forgot the option when the monster grew big and they didnt join up into megazord and kicked the big monster's ass separately.

or the best option when the monster didn't grow big and they combined all their weapons (red ranger had the sword, asian chick had the bow and arrow, nerdy blue guy had daggers, black guy in the black had an axe, all that stuff) and they'd blow it away with a super beam thing.

Tommy said...


... said...

can i just say that i resent the comparison between john locke and Jack Bauer.

Locke sucks balls, worst character ever.

Anonymous said...

can i say that i will smash you

bwade said...

tommys got a fat arse

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