So, looks like migrants wanting to become citizens might have to take English language tests and a quiz on Australian values and culture. Sounds fair enough, though I guess it depends on who writes the test. Let's just hope it's not the NSW Board of Studies, who will force would-be citizens to write a short essay on how post-modernism, the Australian experience and a picture of a fucking fractal represent 'change'. Or John Howard, who would include 14 questions about Don Bradman and 11 questions making sure you're not a member of a union.

But all in all, I think it's a good idea. I sent in my resume to the Government to see if I could write the quiz, but they've been sending back my mail ever since the time I sent them samples of my new 'Anthrax' Perfume. In retrospect, it wasn't the best choice for a name. And I probably shouldn't have chosen Lakemba Mosque as the return address. God, I really fucked that up. I never should have gotten into the perfume business. Grandfather told me I'd never get out alive.

What wasn't a good idea however, was A Current Affair doing a story about migrants becoming citizens. If you read that quickly it looks like 'midgets becoming citizens', which is hilarious because they're not really people.

Up next, we investigate the dodgy Lebanese builders who built my enormous jaw

In typical ACA style, the story was fair, balanced, non-discriminatory and above all, educational. It went a little something like this:

• Voice over of slightly-outraged reporter describing the Citizenship Test proposal (20 seconds)
• Shots of Muslim chicks in burqas from far away, with the foreground blurry so they look like trouble (5 seconds)
• Interview with a respected, well-dressed academic who supports the English tests (1 minute)
• Interview with a woggy guy in a t-shirt in his backyard talking about how he doesn't support the test because his Dad can't speak English (10 seconds in order to present a balanced story)
• More shots of brown people (20 seconds)
• Outraged reporter asking wogs questions about Australia that 60% of white Australians wouldn't be able to answer because they weren't about Big Brother or Schapelle Corby (1.5 minutes)
• 'I tried asking this man a question, but he couldn't even understand basic English' (4 seconds)
• More shots of brown people (5 seconds)

See, this is what you learn when you don't watch Neighbours for one night.

Tommy's Persiflage

So, I saw how many hits Samuel Gordon Stewart gets on his blog right. And specifically, how many hits his Persiflage podcast gets. So, I thought, let's jump on that bandwagon while it's hot. Let's make my own Persiflage, just like my hero, Baulkham Hills Community Radio legend Derek Granger.

Derek 'The Gentleman' Granger

So, I did it. I hired a studio, an audio technician and a hooker. All in all, it cost me $14,000 (plus the anti-biotics), but it was worth every penny.

Take a listen of Tommy's Persiflage

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Aside from being my blog's 1st birthday (presents may be posted via the medium of comments), it is also Anzac Day.

The only reason we have the freedom to watch really, really fake people on Big Brother, or enjoy the Roosters vs Dragons NRL match this afternoon is because of the sacrifices Australian soldiers and their comrades made on the battlefields of Europe and Asia.

The diggers of World War 1 and World War 2, and the people who supported them at home are the greatest generations of Australians there will ever be. Even if it's just saying a silent little 'thanks' under your breath every Anzac Day, we should always ensure their sacrifices are remembered.

In other words, Lest We Forget.

MY BLOG IS ONE YEAR OLD NOW


NOW IS THE TIME WE DANCE

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Like I said before, Samuel Gordon Stewart has enough material for him to be my blog fodder for decades. But I never thought he could top interviewing his Mum on the podcast, or the Wheel of Fortune drawing, or the skipping-formal-to-hang-out-with-talkback-radio-old-guy. But no, SGS surprises us again by becoming a rumoured Big Brother 2006 Housemate.

Yes, I'm telling the truth.

Yes, I read Big Brother websites.

Yes, I know that makes me sadder than Samuel.


Anyway, along with some metro dude who looks like a buffer version of an Olsen Twin, and someone named 'Laura Weston', SGS is in the rumour mill. Now, obviously it's bullshit, because housemates get put in lockdown and he posted on his blog yesterday about the fucking foliage in Canberra. And also because you have to have a personality or nice tits to get into Big Brother, and Sambo has neither, but still - it's awesome. The very thought of a Big Brother/Samuel Gordon Stewart connection makes this the greatest Big Brother ever.

Tonight, on Big Brother Uncut, Rebecca and Johnny get intimate in the spa and Phil tells the housemates about how he shaves his nuts, while Samuel has a shocking revelation about a dream involving John Laws, a dinosaur and an inflatable pool toy...

Though, Samuel being in Big Brother might explain these shithouse drawings.


UPDATE: Behind Big Brother has removed Sam from the list of rumoured housemates due to him threatening legal action. Apparently, even Sam has standards.

What Could Have Been...

Sure, this whole Samuel Gordon Stewart thingy has gotten me lots of hits, but it came with a cost. See, my blog turns 1 on Monday the 24th of April, or Anzac Day Eve. The night we all gather around the Anzac tree to sing Anzac carols is the very day my blog reaches a milestone not even I thought it would achieve. Seriously, I figured I'd just pack it in and make a porno site after 3 months. But no, I persevered. You guys persevered. We made beautiful blog music together and I love you all.

And I wanted to lead up to the Blog Birthday (or the 'Blog-iversary') with a little bit of retrospection, a bit of a 'Blog Year In Review', but I bagged out SGS when he did that exact same thing and well, I don't want to look like a hypocrite. It also means I've had to shelve my plans for 'Tommy's Persiflage'.

So, instead, you get this.

See it looks like he doesn't like boobs, which is why it's funny, because there are boobs underneath and he is looking all like 'eww' even though he's married and stuff

Yes, you read that correctly, I got mentioned on Samuel's blog. And all I had to do was post slightly defamatory material about him. Good on him, I say.

And look, Latham gets mentioned too. Our lives are forever intertwined.

I'm going to put this picture here, so it looks like John Howard disapproves of every post on my blog below it


Then I'll get more hits from people who don't like him, like uni students and workers and Janette Howard

When I bag other blogs out, I normally find them by accident. The 'next blog' button at the top of the page is veritable goldmine of loonies. One day I even found this one kid who pretends to interview Mark Latham, the loser.

Anyway, I love you all so I'm going to come clean about the next one. This next target has already been bagged out on a site called The Spin Starts Here, which is completely awesome and full credit to them for finding it.

But I felt their owning of the next blog was a little restrained. It just didn't quite do it for me, and I think a target of this calibre deserves a complete and utter owning. So, I'm going to put on my best insult shoes and get stuck in. Ladies and gents, I give you...


SAMUEL GORDON STEWART
'I'm Pretty Sure He's Retarded'

A Blog Review By TommyYou know sometimes on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, they bring in one of those young guys who are really intelligent, yet you know still wear one-piece pyjamas to bed? The guys who can tell you how many King George's there have been, or the approximate altitude of Mount Kilimanjaro, yet have never tasted a beer? They're eccentric, but not rich. Crazy, but not scary. That is my best effort at describing the enigma that is Samuel Gordon Stewart, or SGS as he is known to his friends and family. Which, coincidentally, are the same.

Conveniently, Samuel (what a gay name lol) is currently posting a 'Blog Year In Review' as part of his blog's one-year anniversary. This means we can easily track every single post SGS has made without actually reading any of them. It's mana from heaven.


Basically, Sambo has some obsessions and some hobbies. He listens to talkback radio, specifically 2CC in his hometown of Canberra, he has a regular podcast called Samuel's Persiflage (more on that one later), he likes to blog about the dreams he has involving his school canteen, talkback radio, dinosaurs and Sky News personality John Mangos (who doesn't) and he likes coffee.

See you tonight, John.

Let's start off with his talkback obsession. I get why people listen to talkback. It's interesting, it's full of fighting and yelling and insults and controversy. I get why young people might find it interesting to listen to every now and then. Hell, I dig the Spoonman. But Samuel is 18 years old. And he tracks talkback personalities birthdays, career moves and format changes. He takes photos of the 60-year old shock jocks, then visits the studios to present them as gifts. He dreams regularly about interacting with these announcers, and best of all...


He skipped his Year 12 Formal to go on a 'Christmas Cruise' event with 2CC personality John Kerr.

Once again...

He skipped his Year 12 Formal to go on a 'Christmas Cruise' event with 2CC personality John Kerr.

And in writing that line, I realised that I just can't do this blog justice. Now I see why The Spin Starts Here couldn't either. It's not that Sam doesn't have things I can bag him out for, he just has TOO MANY things. I could quite easily shut down TommyIsCoolDotCom and launch a new blog where every day, I just bag out this guy and it still wouldn't be enough. I could hire someone else to help, and we'd still be bagging out his John Mangos dreams for six months. He is such an easy target that I just can't hit him.

But let's keep trying, shall we.

Samuel likes drawings. Unluckily, however, his drawings are shithouse. If you took away Michael J. Fox's medications, gave him a sketchbook, tied him to one of those vibrating massage chairs and placed him in a rickety sailboat in the middle of choppy waters, he'd still bust out more legible drawings than this kid. For those of you sparing yourselves from visiting his site, let's take a look at some of his stuff.

This picture was drawn in 2002. Meaning Samuel was about 15 at the time.

It's a post-modern expression of the disparity of the man-made world,
in the medium of paper and HB Pencil

A 15 year old drew that. But we should commend him, I mean, look at the effort he put in. Actually, let's just let him tell us about the effort he put in.

In the picture you can see the puzzle board at the top showing a partially completed puzzle, underneath that you can see the “puzzle genre” graphic and co-host Sophie Faulkner, further down you can see the wheel and host of the time Rob Elliot announcing that there are three “O”s in the puzzle.

In this picture you can see that “Top Dollar” on the wheel is $2000, which means that this was prior to the “inflation” of the money as Rob Elliot called it. This was also at the time when Daewoo were the motor vehicle sponsor of Wheel Of Fortune.

Rob Elliot, of course. Just check out the likeness.

Uncanny

Of course, drawing isn't Samuel's only love. As I mentioned before, Sambo has a monthly podcast called 'Samuel's Persiflage'. Yes, I'd never heard of that word either. Dictionary.com says it's like light-hearted banter. I could have sworn it meant 'Podcast nobody listens to'. That's harsh. I am growing to like Samuel. He just.. believes in himself so much. I mean, how else would he be able to get away with this intro.

I could get Steve Martin, the corpse of Mitch Hedburg, Mick Molloy and a hyper-intelligent, self-aware comedy writing computer, and still not write anything as funny as the intro to Sam's Persiflage. The music, the talking over the music, his way-too-deep-voice for a guy his age, how he says 'February'. It's fucking beautiful. I want to do him.

In light of my new love for Sam, and the fact I'm constrained by social mores (CALLBACK~!), I'm going to pass the show over to a man who is incapable of such emotion, everyone's favourite Internet Hitman, Matt.

Sam is on the right. Nice belt buckle, guy on left.

Hi, dumbfucks. Now, I don't mean to kick off with the obvious, but this guy has surely contracted some form of plague, if he's not already incubating several new forms of it in his gums as we speak. The uneven skin tones, the overbite, the shit-eating grin; it all points towards a tormented, unappreciated artist, just like Van Gogh or Kurt Cobain. You know, if Van Gogh and Kurt Cobain had spent their lunchtimes in the common room sobbing like a ballerina with a skinned knee because some older boys had thrown their Gameboy games all over the playground.

Look at that photo up there, with stretched-larynx'd Sam and what is most likely some radio putz from Community Bullshit FM who is his all-time hero because he learnt how to put both the 'BOINNNGGG' sound effect and the 'FWEEEEEE' sound effect together at the same time.

The wannabe-DJ (oh, sorry, to be more specific, the wannabe-DJ on the right) is barely suppressing his cackles of derisive laughter, both at this kid's general shabbiness, taste in clothes and asexual appearance, but also from pure relief that there's someone out there for him to pity. AT LAST!

And, if you don't believe me, look at this picture.

Sam proudly showing off his Linux showbag.

If there wasn't Linux shit everywhere, I'd be fairly confident that this was a self-taken picture of the fucker's stash on Christmas morning. Actually, it's still not entirely implausible. From the mother-bought curtains in the background, through the 1980's fire-hazard woollen bedsread, to the three dollar hair cut in traditional bowl cut, this kid just screams 'chick magnet' all over, doesn't he?

Yes, Sam, we see that it's a single bed. No, Sam, there's no forseeable need to change that. Too bad your first sexual experience will end in an awkwardly-worded explanation to a computer store lackey fixing your short-circuiting keyboard. No, telling him that 'if you take out 'gbhnjmk,l.;/' you can just slide it right in' will not help the situation.

In short, you can't hold Mike Carlton's jock-strap. Now there's a radio host who knows how to get things done.

Thanks, Matt, says Tommy, who didn't write that bit so therefore can't get sued by anybody.

We shall end the blog with the ceremonial copy/pasting of actual topics Sam blogged about, ripped straight from his seemingly endless 'Year In Review' series.

• I had some dreams about fires and bicycles.
• I announced my playlist for the trip to Sydney and Back between 2CC & 2UE reception areas.
• I had a scary shower, and followed it with a dream about a bicycle race.
• I also documented the excessive amount of noise those horrid green busses create.
• 2CC had their birthday, and I had a special picture for the occasion.
• Google decided that I’m a penguin.
• I wrote my first restaurant review, for the Majura Cafe, and became very annoyed with the way government lawnmowers operate.
• One of my clocks gained half a second.
• Black & Gold foods changed their label design
• It was around this time that I started to become annoyed with the services of Blogger.com, and contemplated moving to WordPress.
• Windows Media Player asked me the same question ten times in a row.
• Somebody decided to put some shopping baskets on street lamps.

Incredible. When news breaks, it breaks first on Sam's blog. I think we all know who the nation turned to first when Black and Gold changed their label design.

Anyway, this blog is long enough. And I think it's safe to say, that in spite of everything I have written about this kid, he is going to have a much, much more successful career in the media than I will.

And that's what these are for.

So many people visit my blog that I normally find it easier to figure out who doesn't read it when figuring out my hits for the month. And yesterday, I added another name to the list. Yes, that unfunny cock Wil 'Can I buy an L?' Anderson.

Even after my piece by piece destruction of his shitty excuse for a column a week ago, Wil continued his assault on comedy in this week's Sunday Roast, ignoring nearly everything I said. Sure, this week he didn't use the old "Blah is so blah that even blah would say 'That's blah", but for the second week in a row, in the opening few paragraphs, he made both a Kim Beazley AND a Paris Hilton joke. I believe the Kim Beazley one involved him being unable to be a jockey because he was too fat and could crush the horse (lolocaust!@), and I'm sure the Paris one involved some witty pun about her being a massive slut.

In other words, Wil Anderson is calling me out.

Well, Wil, (how much better would that have been if he spelt his name 'Will'), next Sunday. I challenge you to plug my blog in the Sunday Roast. In 18-point font. With a disclaimer saying that you have nothing to do with any content on the site just so we don't scare off half the readers.

And if you don't, Wil Anderson, I will be victorious.


You have 6 days.

Creationists commandeer Cyclops


No, it's not a title of an X-Men comic, it was a headline in The Age. Okay, the Age's website, but I sound smarter when I say I read it in The Age. Except when I add a disclaimer saying I read it on their website. Shit.

A one-eyed, noseless kitten will be the centrepiece of a new museum intended to promote the theory of creationism.

John Adolfi plans to feature Cy's remains at The Lost World Museum when it opens later this year. The Phoenix, New York, museum will feature such oddities as giant plants and eggs, deformed animal remains and unique archaeological finds, he said.

Adolfi believes in creationism - a literal reading of the Bible's story of creation.

He wrote on the museum's web site that the theory of evolution states that "environmental pressures can lift species from the ape-like creature ... to us today. My question is this. Are there really positive mutations?

"All I can see are neutral or negative," said Adolfi, a real estate agent from Granby, New York.

Mmm. If anything proves that God created the beautiful universe with his divine knowledge and powers, it's this.

Killll meeeee

Where can I sign up. Truly this is the Lord's most beautiful creation. I know, I know, different strokes for different folks. It's all cool baby, believe what you want. But come on. First off, your last name sounds like an affectionate nickname for Hitler. Second, a creationist MUSEUM? That's like having a Lord Of The Rings laboratory.

And I dig the evidence. Evolution doesn't exist because a real estate agent from upstate New York thinks mutations are either 'neutral or negative'. Because real estate agents have been responsible for all the scientific breakthroughs in history. LJ Hooker discovered penicillin. And who needs Darwin or Dawkins when you've got Adolfi and his short-sighted pussy. If all mutations were negative, apes wouldn't have turned into humans and made the Sistine Chapel. If all mutations were negative, apes would be be a moaning, writhing mass of fur, substisting only on goo they lick with their fourth tounge, conveniently attached to their second vagina.

And they definitely wouldn't have evolved into me.

I rest my case.

See, the problem is, there's only so much to blog about. Especially when you're unemployed ('freelancing'). So normally I scan ABC News to see if there's something to fire up about, like the other week with Beazley's Bastardly Block On Boobies, but there's nada. I don't have any wicked Guides to tv shows on the backburner either, and no guest blogs handy (which, coincidentally, is what I give for guest blogs).

So, instead, I am writing this blog blind. I don't know what I'm going to write about, I'm just going to keep writing and writing until I say something witty or unique. We might be here a while.

And what's the go with 5 comments on each post? I know in saying that somebody is going to think they're funny and make a 6th comment.

I played with a baby the other day, babies are cute

Christ, this is boring. I should hire someone to blog for me. Then I can fire them under Work Choices for a personality clash. LOL. Hilarious Tommy, you've done it again.

I got 1/7 in footy tipping last week

This isn't going as well as I thought, I can't think of anything good to write, so all I'm thinking of now is how shit this blog is and how I should stop

But I can't

Because I haven't blogged in a few days, and considering I don't work or go to uni, I feel an obligation to write something

But is it really worth it, if all I produce is... this rancid sack of turds

I might just swear for a little while, get some cheap laughs

Cockfuckle

Dick marble

Cuntasaurus Rex

...

Nothing. Maybe I need booze. I should have a Breezer, that will get me maggoted so I can be funny

Wow, this is bad. I could have easily blogged about something interesting, yet I chose to do this stream of consciousness arty bullshit hoping it would end up being unique and funny

And you know what, this will get more comments than the 6000 word Guide To Lost. Maybe I should just cut my losses.

Punani.

Good journalists always declare their interests before publishing their opinion. I'm not a good journalist, but I'll do it anyway. What you need to know before you read this blog is that I hate Wil Anderson.

I'm not saying I'm funnier than Wil Anderson, I'm not saying I'm better than him in any way, I just flat out hate him. I hate that while genuinely funny comedians like Ross Noble and Jimeoin are only on TV when Rove is short of guests, Wil Anderson has a weekly show on the ABC, hosts Comedy Festivals and writes a weekly column in the Telegraph's Sunday Magazine.

Nice haircut, fuckwit.

I hate the way he sucks in his saliva after he makes a joke. I hate that his name only has one L, and how I only realised that after I wrote 'Will' twenty-five times in this blog. I hate the way he speaks. I hate the way he always laughs at his own jokes. I hate his big dumb combat boots, and the way he reads my mind. I hate him so much it makes me sick, it even makes me rhyme.

But anyway. Just in case you've managed to escape this hippy bastard, let's condemn you to his inane ramblings courtesy of his most recent 'Sunday Roast' column in Sunday. Not surprisingly, Wil is about 9 months behind the times and has decided to pay out on the ALP for their leadership troubles.

Essentially, Wil's idea of comedic editorial writing is to use lots of similes and hope hilarity ensues. Let's check out some of his best.

• Beazley's approval ratings 'lower than the waistband on Paris Hilton's hipsters' (ZING!)
• Factional system 'more stuffed than Kim Beazley at an all-you-can-eat buffet' (BAM!)
  
• Gillard touting her support of Latham 'like saying you gave relationship advice to Wayne Carey' (KABLOOEY!)
  

Paris Hilton slut joke = check. Kim Beazley fat joke = check. Wayne Carey shags too much joke = check. Truly innovative comedy ladies and gents. All he needed was a Warnie/SMS joke and he'd have the Aussie comedy trifecta. But that's not all. Check out some more gems.

• He says the ALP have combined 'Pin The Tail On The Donkey' and 'Follow The Leader' to make their own game, 'Follow The Leader and Stab Him In The Back'!!

LOLLOLOLOLOL

Because he combined two kids games and added 'stab him in the back'!!!!!!!

Because that's what the ALP does!

They like trechery!!

Like stabbing someone in the back!

Because it's like pinning a tail on a donkey!

And the other game, Follow The Leader, because they follow the leader and then pin a tail in his back!

Because that's another way of saying they betrayed him!

Because they betray their leaders!

It's hilarious!!

I know what you're thinking to yourself. You're thinking, Tommy, the only way this can get funnier is if Wil calls Kevin Rudd 'egg head'. Well guess what? He does.

But Wil didn't stop there. Wil sees that the Australian media are handcuffed by their corporate owners. He understands the plight of journalists across the nation, who yearn to break free from convention and report what they really believe. Yes, Wil strikes a poetic knife through the heart of the Australian media and political establishment by doing what nobody else has done.

He makes two Kim Beazley fat jokes in the same article.

Not content with his innovative, buffet stylings earlier in the piece, Wil creates comedic history and declares that the smell of death surrounding Kim Beazley's leadership 'could well be the kebab he has in his pocket for afternoon tea'.

:O

I'm as shocked as you all. Just look at that emoticon.

Some might say two Beazley fat jokes in the same article shows a complete lack of unoriginality.

Some might say that Wil Anderson is so unfunny and so unoriginal, that chances are he would make a shit joke and then rip it off, creating an even shitter joke. A joke so shit that it may very well bankrupt the Sunday Telegraph.

Some might be right. Because in the final part of his column, Wil says Julia Gillard's voice is so bad that even Shannon Noll would say 'Wow, you're a bit nasal', and then follows that up four paragraphs later by saying Kevin Rudd is so nerdy that even Harry Potter would say 'You're a dork'.

Yes, not content with ripping off every person in Australia who has made Kim Beazley=fat and Rudd=nerdy jokes, Wil rips off HIMSELF by repeating the same shit joke with different people.

Wil is so shit, that he needs to copy jokes from his own article. I don't think you can get much shitter than that. Meanwhile, what's the go with the last name Dickinson?

THE HOLOCAUST WAS REAL

lol April Fools guys!!!