I receive a lot of emails asking me about some of the places I mention on my blog. So in keeping with the spirit of education and geographic awareness (the two reasons I made the blog in the first place), I got my mate Scott to prepare a little dossier on foreign countries in a bit we're going to call:


Scott’s Foreign Intelligence Report (SFIR) for Che "Tommy" Guevara.


America

• Inventors of the Hot Dog and Fear of Black People.
• Intelligence reports an abundance of theme parks and "Pooty Tang: DVDs.
• Country is run by a President composed entirely of vegetation and foliage.
• Worship of this ‘bush’ is the dominant religion.

Indonesia

• Part of Oceania.
• Has a standing army of 250,000 equipped with permanent markers and packed lunches.
• Harbours terrorists leaders due to their status, denoted by hat and eyebrow size.
• Arrests models and other non-important, non-models for drug possession.

Michelle Leslie is Corby’s top rival for the ‘Miss Fucking Stupid Tourist’ Pageant 2005

Saudi Arabia

• Technically a ‘Kingdom’ due to its non-democratic and therefore evil political system.
• Oil barons of the world, but with few cars it is primarily used to piss western nations off.
• May or may not be home to Lawrence, but I didn’t have 5 hours to find out.
• Plan to charge them $1.20 a litre for tap water. Reference: Sydney Water.

Middle Earth

• Rich supply of herbal supplements, homosexual connotations and Pooty Tang DVDs.
• UN weapon inspectors were informed there were certain areas where they shall not pass!
• Plant and fauna includes giant talking socialist trees, possibly homosexual.
• Surplus population of old men with varying levels of beardage.

Gandalf my old friend, I like what you’ve done with your beard

China

• See: Australian Universities.

Kellyville

• The rouge suburb-state of Kellyville has harboured evil for too long.
• The dense jungle terrain makes traversing difficult, despite the anti-drunk driver guttering.
• Unchecked, savage locals without quality broadband launch terrorist posts and artpads.
• Possible hiding place of Richie Bin Laden and his al’UWS network.

Photographic evidence that Kellyville has WMDs containing super-AIDS



Stay tuned for future reports courtesy of The Democratic Republic of TommyIsCoolDotCom.

RADICAL CLERIC ISSUES FATWA CALLING FOR ASSASSINATION OF PRESIDENT

VIRGINIA BEACH, Va. — Religious broadcaster Pat Robertson (search) has suggested that American agents assassinate Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez (search) to stop his country from becoming "a launching pad for communist infiltration and Muslim extremism."

An official of a theological watchdog group on Tuesday criticized Robertson's statement as "chilling."

"We have the ability to take him out, and I think the time has come that we exercise that ability," Robertson said Monday on the Christian Broadcast Network's "The 700 Club."

"We don't need another $200 billion war to get rid of one, you know, strong-arm dictator," he continued. "It's a whole lot easier to have some of the covert operatives do the job and then get it over with."

Fox News

Hehe you thought it was gunna be a Muslim hehe

Anyway, we all know the radical Muslims work for the Liberal Party:

ONE of the Islamic leaders meeting John Howard today suspects September 11 was a conspiracy and asks "why did 4000 Jews not show up for work" on the day of the attacks?

Abdul (Ray) Rahman Deen also says there were no black box flight recorders found in the wreckage of the World Trade Centre after hijacked planes were flown into the twin towers, killing thousands.

Mr Deen, who is a development officer for the Liberal Party, says it was therefore wrong to blame any group for September 11 "without full facts and evidence".

news.com.au

I guess that article explains why this guy just got pre-selected by the Libs for the Maroubra by-election.


WE WILL KEEP INTEREST RATES LOW


Crazy people make me smile

From ABC News Online:

The Prime Minister is to receive a prestigious American award for outstanding leadership in public life, at a ceremony in Sydney tomorrow night.

John Howard will be presented with the Woodrow Wilson Award from the political centre of the same name in Washington, which is part of the influential Smithsonian Institution.

It is the first time a serving political leader has been recognised and Mr Howard is the first person outside North America and Europe to receive the honour.

The US Secretary of State, Condoleezza Rice, was a member of the judging panel.

Mr Howard's award will be recognised in a recorded message from the US President George W Bush, who will also deliver a message to Australians.

Yeah, I've actually been following this award for a few years now. It's full name is the Woodrow Wilson Award, but most people simply call it the 'Woodie'. It's awarded to the person America feels has best represented the cause of freedom and democracy through their leadership. Here's a photo of the award itself:

Prime Minister Howard is a big U.S politics buff, and was therefore extremely honoured to receive an award named after a legendary wartime President such as Woodrow Wilson. You only have to look at how excited he is in this picture, taken just after the award was handed to him by Vice President Dick Cheney.

The Iraq War has dominated U.S foreign affairs, and Tony Blair's Britain has been the U.S strongest ally. It is no surprise then, that last year's Woodrow Wilson award was given to Prime Minister Blair. Blair accepted the award in a less-exuberant manner than Howard, and was criticised for how he held the award as he gave his acceptance speech. Personally, I see no problem with it, but he does look a bit uncomfortable. Make up your own mind:

Anyway, I'm sure it will be a hard job picking next year's Woodie, though as long as Prime Minister Howard doesn't blow his chances with a policy mistake he'll be a stiff competitor. You really have to hand it to him for a job well done.

You know on Wednesday how I made that post about referral hits? And I put that neat list at the end, with lots of hot buzzwords to try and get more of them? You'd think it might work a little. Even though it's only been a day, you think putting phrases like 'Jessica Alba naked baby oil' on your site would get you more hits. But no. Because apparently mentioning the sexy star of a blockbuster movie doesn't get you hits. Not even me mentioning 'Da Vinci Code', the most controversial book ever, got an extra hit.

But somebody found my site by searching 'Vic LaRusso' on ninemsn Search.

You know Vic? He's the traffic reporter on Channel Ten First At Five News in Sydney. He also has a forehead you could land cargo planes on.

And because I'm a realist, because I see that Vic LaRusso is obviously going to be the next big thing, I am officially declaring today, Thursday the 18th of August of the year 2005 AD to be...

VIC LARUSSO DAY!!!



THANKSRONTHANKSJESSICA IT'S BUMPERTOBUMPER HERE ON THE M5 TODAY, TRAFFIC IS CRAWLING WESTBOUND, AND IT'S EVEN WORSE ON HOMEBUSH BAY DRIVE


So in closing

vic larusso

vic larusso

vic larusso

mad max porn

vic larusso

The best thing about having a blog is seeing all the strange ways people find your site. Sometimes (four times a week) I will spam the link to everybody I know, but people also find the blog through sites I visit and post at. But every now and then, my blog will get hits from people searching random stuff on MSN or Google or Yahoo or Technorati (I've never heard of that last one either). Due to the... varied nature of posts on my blog (ranging from crappy Mark Latham impressions to crappy Bob Carr impressions), I get a lot of these 'referral hits', which is what we call them in the biz.

Over the past few months, I have gotten hits to my blog from people searching:

• 'Scientoligy' (lots of hits from this one even though it was mispelt, I figure my blog is like the Encyclopaeda Britannica to these people)
  
• 'Taped us having sex' (I don't remember posting that either)
• 'Hillsong' (This explains why I got a $10 note in the mail)
  
• 'Isabel Lucas pics' (Hotty from Home and Away)
• 'Isabel Lucas naked' (They went home disappointed I think, the only sexual content on my blog is Brett Kimmorley getting raped by the Grizzly Bear')
  
• 'Mcflurry spoon' (Self-explanatory)
  
• 'Tupac is alive' (Thanks Scotty)

And my personal favourite

• 'Schrong' (This word is on my blog somewhere, first person to find it gets a prize)

In addition, my blog has also been red flagged (which means it can't be accessed) for Sydney Airport employees because of my posts about terrorism (not the content, just the use of words like jihad, durka durka and my post about blowing up Sydney Airport). CURSE THE INFIDELS!!!


So, in closing:


nuclear bomb

president bush

da vinci code

stone cold steve austin

angelina jolie brad pitt sex tape

jessica alba naked baby oil

nascar

The last thing you expect when you're driving to Eastwood is to be in the middle of Carlingford Road picking up an unconscious woman's credit cards and ID (I normally do that when I drive to Coffs Harbour), but last night was a bit crazy.

Having picked up my friend REDACTED (PICKED UP EH EH EH) we troddled along in my mighty Corolla towards one REDACTED 'Thong Kicking Faggot's house in Eastwood. Of course, we had to make an unexpected stop when we turned after Carlingford Court to see a WOMAN GET HIT BY A CAR.

Well, we didn't actually see it, we just saw her lying on the ground in front of a Toyota. But saying A WOMEN LYING ON THE GROUND IN FRONT OF A TOYOTA doesn't really catch the eye.

Anyway, we stopped the car and ran down to the scene. REDACTED called the bambulance while I supervised. Having never been involved in something this exciting, it was pretty surreal. The chick who got hit was sprawled on the ground, while the drivers of the Toyota (they were Asian, in case you hadn't guessed by the fact it was near Epping and involved an accident in a Toyota) were on the footpath crying and screaming in whateverlanguagetheywerespeaking-ese. The strangest thing about the whole scene was that the headlights of the Toyota were still on, meaning the woman's body was lit up like a movie set.

Now, NOBODY was around the woman. Not even the passengers of the car who hit her. So, believing in people's compassion, we thought somebody had already checked on the woman and found she was dead, in which case we didn't really want to get too close. But, the 000 person wanted Joy to see if she was breathing, so we checked. And guess what - she was alive. At this point, two other people came over to check (the drivers of the car stayed on the side of the road), a girl our age and a middle-aged yobbo bloke in a flannelette jacket we will call Bruce.

Now, Bruce was no doctor. His first suggestion upon arriving at the writhing, moaning body of the victim was to suggest we grab her bag and put it under her head. My medical experience is limited to the ressucitation scenes from 'Baywatch', and even I know that's a dumb idea. Moving the neck of someone who just bumped off the windscreen of a car isn't cool. Luckily, we ignored his stupid suggestions. He then told us that the woman had a 'fractured leg' (it was in a funky position), only for the women to then move the leg four seconds later, then put pressure on it. Nice call, doc.

Of course, he wasn't the only person who made an error in the heat of the moment. Joy not only told the ambulance the woman wasn't breathing (only for her to move 1 minute later), but she also told them she was 35. Which would have been correct 15 years and one car accident earlier. This chick was pushing the big 5-0 (coincidentally the speed the car hit her at). But hey, she did more than me. The woman's purse and belongings were all over the road, so I collected all her shit and put it in her bag. I pocketed a fiver for my troubles too. I'm joking of course.

(It was a ten)
So yes, we hung around watching the drama unfold from the side of the road until the two ambulances came (the other girl called an ambulance too). Of course, like any accident, the TOW TRUCK arrived at least 4 minutes before the ambulance. The bastards.

Anyway, not much of a point or anything to this post, just make sure if you get hit by a car there isn't a yobbo in a flannelette telling people to lift your neck and put you in a hammock or something.


From Tommy, your hero

I don't often like sharing this information, but I have a few contacts in the upper echelons of al-Qaeda. I know that's frowned upon these days, but most of them are pretty good blokes. Sure, Bin Laden is a little fruity, and Sami Mohammed Ali Said al-Jaaf murders the ocassional person if they call him 'jaffa', but they're fun to party with. And aside from tip-offs about strikes in major capital cities (I'd stay away from Adelaide for a few weeks btw), I also get unprecedented access to their media interviews. Normally they record them in their cave/Channel Nine studios in Willoughby, then send them via camel to Al-Jazeera, the Arab News Network. But sometimes they send them to me first.


What happened to the other half of his vest

So here it is folks, hot off the presses, an exclusive speech from al-Qaeda second-in-command, Ayman Al-Zawahri! I speak a little bit of Arab, so I was able to do a rough translation over the top of his speech. Hope you find it as interesting as ASIO eventually will when they arrest me and repossess my computer.

Download the mp3 here, or the zip here if that doesn't work.

My quasi-celebrity status grants me a lot of perks. I get to drive in the T2 lanes on busy roads, even though I'm the only person in my car. Free international calls. Extra chicken salt on my chips at Crestwood shops. And when I go to KFC, I get TWO moistened towelettes. But the best part about having a successful internet blog, read by dozens of people, is the fan mail. So what better time than ever to open up the CBS Mai- I mean the TommyIsCoolDotCom MAILBAG!!


Oops I crapped my pants

Doctor doctor, gimme the news I got a bad case of emailing youu

My first letter comes from Mark from Campbelltown. Mark says:

Dear Fucknuckle,

You keep pretending I'm your fucking friend and I'll end you, you little piece of shit.

Mark

Thanks, Mark. My second letter comes from T. Walker of Philadelphia, the header was written in all caps, there's no return address, and it told me how I could make my penis two inches larger so I think it's spam. I deleted it anyway.

HELLO MR TROMLIN,

WOULD YOU LIKE TO PLEASING THE WOMEN? SEND 329.99 IN PARAGUAYAN GUARANI TO THE ADDRESS INCLUDED

LOVE FRIEND,

TOBIAS WALKER

My third letter comes from Commonwealth Bank, my blog seems to be pretty popular there because I always get lots of mail from them:

Mr,

We still have not received complete payment for your currency exchange ($329.99 in PYG Guarani). If we do not receive complete payment by Monday, we will cancel your account.

Sean Phillips
Customer Service Assistant,
Commonwealth Bank Penis Enlargement Payment Division

And finally, the fourth letter I got.

Dear Tommy,

I can't think of a decent way to end this lame mailbag gimmick, so I thought I'd just do a 'Tommy writes a letter to himself' thing so it's all self-referential and people think I'm witty and creative when really I'm only doing this because after the Penis joke I was running dry

Love Tommy

p.s you're hot

end post now

So I took a break from studying for my Year 10 exams and went bowling last night. I hadn't been bowling for a few years, and though I started off strong with a strike, it was all downhill from there. I have the bowling technique of Rainman if he were a twelve year old girl who couldn't judge distance. Anyway, my shitty bowling isn't worth a blog in itself. But SEXUAL DISCRIMINATION IS.

We bought unlimited games you see, and by about the sixth game you start to get a tad bored playing with your balls. And bowling them. So, we thought it would be neat to be even lamer and get some BUMPER BOWLING ACTION!@ Double the strategy, half the skill! Little did we know, however, that Castle Hill Wondabowl is run by a bunch of WOMEN-HATING CONSERVATIVES. We were informed, when we politely asked to get the bumpers put up on our lane, that they could only be put up 'for girls.' Apparently FEMALES CAN'T BOWL ACCORDING TO THE WOMEN-HATING NAZIS AT WONDABOWL. So, the bumpers only went up when it was the token girl's turn to bowl! So the rest of us got to look on, watching the bumpers slowly descend back into the gutters from which they came everytime it was our turn to bowl, all because we don't have VAGINAS.


The manager of Wondabowl (right) and his family

What next, guys get 2 games and shoe hire, girls get 2 games, shoe hire and a MOP AND BUCKET TO CLEAN UP THE LANE WHEN THEY'RE DONE? I mean I know our Prime Minister is living in the 1950's, but surely our bowling alleys are different. Surely a bowling alley should be the one place where men and women can co-exist as equals, all striving together to knock down white pins while listening to music that hasn't been updated since 1999? IS THIS NOT AMERICA?!


The new Female Only lane at Wondabowl

Lift your game Wondabowl, and let men enjoy the wonders of bumper bowling. Or else I'm getting a sex change

Based on the barnstorming success of his last blog, I've asked my mate Richie to work his magic once more to save my lame blog.


The last known photo of Richie

Instead, he decided to make like a Russian spy and subvert the entire blog process all together. Yes, we're breaking new ground on TommyIsCoolDotCom, with ART PADS! So without further ado, here are Richie's art pads. He didn't give them titles, so I gave them my own ones:


The Seduction of REDACTED

A Complete and Utter Lie