tommyiscooldotcom

My quasi-celebrity status grants me a lot of perks. I get to drive in the T2 lanes on busy roads, even though I'm the only person in my car. Free international calls. Extra chicken salt on my chips at Crestwood shops. And when I go to KFC, I get TWO moistened towelettes. But the best part about having a successful internet blog, read by dozens of people, is the fan mail. So what better time than ever to open up the CBS Mai- I mean the TommyIsCoolDotCom MAILBAG!!


Oops I crapped my pants

Doctor doctor, gimme the news I got a bad case of emailing youu

My first letter comes from Mark from Campbelltown. Mark says:

Dear Fucknuckle,

You keep pretending I'm your fucking friend and I'll end you, you little piece of shit.

Mark

Thanks, Mark. My second letter comes from T. Walker of Philadelphia, the header was written in all caps, there's no return address, and it told me how I could make my penis two inches larger so I think it's spam. I deleted it anyway.

HELLO MR TROMLIN,

WOULD YOU LIKE TO PLEASING THE WOMEN? SEND 329.99 IN PARAGUAYAN GUARANI TO THE ADDRESS INCLUDED

LOVE FRIEND,

TOBIAS WALKER

My third letter comes from Commonwealth Bank, my blog seems to be pretty popular there because I always get lots of mail from them:

Mr,

We still have not received complete payment for your currency exchange ($329.99 in PYG Guarani). If we do not receive complete payment by Monday, we will cancel your account.

Sean Phillips
Customer Service Assistant,
Commonwealth Bank Penis Enlargement Payment Division

And finally, the fourth letter I got.

Dear Tommy,

I can't think of a decent way to end this lame mailbag gimmick, so I thought I'd just do a 'Tommy writes a letter to himself' thing so it's all self-referential and people think I'm witty and creative when really I'm only doing this because after the Penis joke I was running dry

Love Tommy

p.s you're hot

end post now