Yyyyesss, after the 12 comment success of the Hillsong blog, you'd think I'd stop there. You know, go out while I was ahead. Score one for the good guys and all that. But no. For as you may know, May 29th to June 5th is the international week of Paying Out on Kooky Christians (P.O.K.C), and what better way to increase my blog's readership than by mocking said readership! Onto the games!
Christian fiction is one of the fastest growing literature markets in the world. Book like Serenity Bay, A Season Of Grace and The Landing Place sell like hotcakes in a marketplace before Jesus upturns the tables. Another piece of Christian fiction, The Bible, also sells quite well.
See, that was a cheap joke, and I promise not to make any more of them because the aim of this blog isn't to bag out all Christians, just the Kooky ones. It's putting the K in P.O.K.C, and they don't get much Kookier than the authors and readers of LEFT BEHIND.
Left Behind tells the story of The Rapture, the biblical event that gets American evangelicals all hot under their collars because it gets rid of the Jews. The series of books explore what happens when Jesus' chosen ones disappear, 'leaving behind' millions (NOW YOU GET WHY THE BOOK IS CALLED THAT) and allowing for the rise of the Anti-Christ in the form of a guy named Nicolae. It also has a character named Buck, which is awesome on so many levels, especially if your name is Buck, or something that rhymes with Buck. For example, my great-uncle - Fuck.
Opening with a brutal war between Israel and Russia/Iraq/Syria (The Stereotypically Evil Axis of Evil), Left Behind is essentially a Tom Clancy novel, but with more quotes from Revelations and a little less anti-semitism. Old Tom hates dem Jews.
Now I know what you're thinking. War, explosions, Jesus. It's made for the American south. But Tommy, you say, furrowing your brow and taking a swig of your bottle of JD, rednecks can't read?
Enter Kirk Cameron.
Kirk Cameron, star of hit 80's sitcom Growing Pains, plays the lead role in the Left Behind movies, alongside Lou Gosset Jr. as the black President. I'm sure that casting choice really went down well at Bumfuck Baptist Church in Alabama. I watched the trailer for the third Left Behind movie 'Left Behind: World At War' (the title 'Left Behind: Let's Steal More Christian Money' was already taken)
(by Hillsong lol)
and it looked pretty sweet. Like all cliched trailers, it did that thing where the trailer ends, and it shows the title of the movie, and then it cuts back to a final snappy scene. This one involved Kirk Cameron grabbing a bible in an interrogation room. It was like Guantanemo Bay except he didn't have electrodes attached to his urethra.
But movies and books are boring and old-fashioned, and not the reason for this post. Video games are where it's at these days. Violent, explicit video games, like Quake, Grand Theft Auto and Super Mario Sunshine. And hey, computers play games, and Christians have computers. If they didn't, I'd only get like 10 hits a day and most of them would be from people searching for Krystal from Big Brother's boobs. Oh, and Mitch. I love you, Mitch.
SO WHY DON'T WE MAKE A LEFT BEHIND VIDEO GAME!!!
YEAAHHHH
Wage a war of apocalyptic proportions in LEFT BEHIND: Eternal Forces - a real-time strategy game based upon the best-selling LEFT BEHIND book series created by Tim LaHaye and Jerry Jenkins. Join the ultimate fight of Good against Evil, commanding Tribulation Forces or the Global Community Peacekeepers, and uncover the truth about the worldwide disappearances!
Rock on! Tribulation Forces! Ultimate Fight! Good vs Evil! Peacekeeping!
Ok, so leave out Peacekeeping and this game sounds pretty damn sweet. And hey, it's morally acceptable too. Just look at the video game company's mission statement
The mission of Left Behind Games is to become the world’s leading independent developer and publisher of quality interactive entertainment products that perpetuate positive values and appeal to mainstream and Christian audiences.
Awesome. Positive values. And how does one represent such positive values, and appeal to both mainstream and Christian audiences?
Yeah, you guessed it.
A fuckload of violence.
I'm talking spreading the word of the good Lord by controlling more than 30 units types - from Prayer Warrior and Hellraiser to Spies, Special Forces and Battle Tanks.
Battle tanks!!
Perpetuate positive values by playing multiplayer games as Tribulation Force or the AntiChrist's Global Community Peacekeepers with up to eight players via LAN or over the internet!
Battle tanks!!
Appeal to mainstream audiences by recovering ancient scriptures and witness spectacular Angelic and Demonic activity as a direct consequence of your choices.
Battle tanks!!
No game review is complete without screenshots, and having been tought at uni by the former editor of the Hyper video game magazine, I know a thing or too about writing funny captions under screenshots. Just take a look at some of these gems.
See, because there's a red and a blue ring? Brilliance!
Because there's a lot of smoke, and Snoop Dogg smokes pot! The smoke from the buildings is actually from the war, but I said in the caption it was due to Snoop Dogg! Hilarity!
Get it, it's a callback! Effulgent!
Left Behind: Eternal Forces will be available for purchase sometime this year. Let's just hope the Rapture comes early, so nobody has to play it.
Battle tanks!!
6 comments:
you gotta stop knocking the christians. some of the stuff you say is un called for
but its just the kooky ones and god knows there are kooky ones.
i sure do
and God knows there are kooky non- christians as well. like your good self
Way to be a judgmental ass, figures.
HAHAHAHA all of the born-agains and protestants are going to hell
Post a Comment