Matt and Tommy's Bi-Annual Samuel Gordon Stewart Bashing - Part Two- The Creepy Stuff We Found On His Blog

As deliciously hyped yesterday, we bring you the second part of our Bi-Curious, Bi-Annual Samuel Gordon Stewart Bashing. Today...

Part 2: The Creepy Stuff We Found On His Blog

Unlike yesterday's blog, we won't be telling you what's so funny about the site, we'll just show you. And then we'll show you what we said when we bitched about it on MSN. Because, let's face it - we're fucking hilarious.

We'll also include the bits where we laugh at what the other one said, because it's endearing and tells you which bits are funny.

We'll put them in random order, as we couldn't figure out what was more creepy.

Here is a recent photo of Sambo, published on his blog for an undetermined reason.

Tommy says (3:21 PM):
he's so GREASY

matt says (3:21 PM):
that is horrifying
you could fry chips in whats coming off his forehead

Tommy says (3:22 PM)
hahahaha

Another photo, this time of his dog Nattie. Based on her reaction, it was presumably taken after she saw the first photo.

matt says (3:25 PM):
THAT IS ONE SCARED LOOKING ANIMAL

Tommy says (3:25 PM):
haha
it looks like a peacock flaring its feathers

Hey, ever wondered what Sambo thinks about Hot Cross Buns? No? Tough shit!

Tommy says (3:27 PM):
aahahahahhahahahahahahahahahha

This one is less creepy, but still worthy of inclusion. Recently, Samuel's favourite weather forecasting website was down. Does he go to another site, maybe NineMSN Weather? Nope. That's not how he rolls.

matt says (3:30PM):
HOLY SHIT
HES TAKING OVER FOR WEATHERZONE

Tommy says (3:30PM):
ahahaahaha

In a blog marked 'Postal Address', Sam posted this.

matt says (3:33PM):
damn, he didn't fall for my elaborate ruse

In a blog about the Summernats Car Festival, held in Canberra annually, Sam had this to say.

matt says (3:36PM):
you are a 70 year old man

Tommy says (3:36 PM):
hahahaha

Stan Zemanek, long-time radio shock jock, recently retired because karma finally caught up to the thundercunt (callback). Samuel, however, was looking to the future, Medium-style.

matt says (3:37 PM):
no, wait, that was stan zemanek coming on me in a dream

Tommy says (3:38PM):
hahahaaha
and why is that guy whispering in his ear?

matt says (3:38PM):
i got money that was posted at 12:02am

tommy says (3:39PM):
ahahaha
i say 12:00, he probably stopped watching the fireworks on channel ten cause they were too crass, so he was already on the computer

tommy says (3:39PM):
nattie was on his lap

But then.... we struck gold. Yes, it gets better than Stan Zemanek wet dreams. Next time on the blog, Part 3 of our Semi-Annual SGS Bashing, as we bring you the single funniest Samuel Gordon Stewart post ever.



Yes, there's a video.

Matt and Tommy's Bi-Annual Samuel Gordon Stewart Bashing - Part One - 'Call Me, Ishmael'

I really don't know where we'd be without Samuel Gordon Stewart. At first, we were weirded out by him. We all got a little angry, and in the heat of the moment, we said some pretty harsh things about him. But then, we grew to like the kid. We weren't weirded out anymore, so much as we were... mesmerised.

But we're not the only ones who have regretted saying some pretty nasty things. Samuel did it himself. Let's look at this blog, titled 'Bloody Ishmael', or as we like to call it - 'The Fall of Samuel'.

Yes, what was once a truly innocent, beautiful creature has turned into a flaming ball of hate. I give you Samuel Gordon Stewart HULK ANGRY



:O

After a freak gamma ray accident, Samuel was blessed with
superhuman strength and the vocabulary of a 70 year old woman

You know he was punching those keys hard when he typed that. For most people, 'fucking cunt' is probably the harshest insult they can imagine. Maybe 'thundercunt', if they're really angry. But SGS transcends such purile insults. Why don't you stuff your head up a turkey, goose?

But, Samuel later regrets using such volatile language, chats with Ishmael, and they sort it out. It's poetic, almost. He then posts a public apology.

Whilst Ishmael understands that I won’t be taking down any of what I wrote, I would like to publicly apologise to Ishmael for being a bit too harsh in my comments. End Update

End quote. Does he really need to chuck that bit in? The giant white space after text isn't clue enough that he's done? Is he such an old man-boy that he is used to writing in telegram?

Now, that's the end of Part One. I understand it wasn't very satisfying, was a bit short and left an awful taste in your mouth. That's because Tommy wrote it. Up next on the blog, we get to the good stuff. Because next time, we're posting Part Two - The Creepy Stuff We Found On Samuel's Site.

Till next time..

End blog.


Resume masturbating

You know, the ugly one?

You know The Chaser right? The newspaper, the War on Everything, the signed photo I have in a laminated seal next to my bed? Even if you don't know them, you probably know their faces.


Look, there's Firth, and Julian, and Andrew, and Craig, and Chas and Chris. And of course, Dominic Knight. But... where's Dominic? There's a 7th Chaser? A MISSING Chaser? But, why? He's the editor of their old newspaper, one of the head writers for their TV, he hosts their radio show on Triple M, how come he hardly ever gets included in anything on TV, least of all the promo shots?



Oh.

You know the expression 'He's got a face for radio?' Dom Knight has a face for radio, if radio is living in a church belltower and eating fish heads. Seriously, if that guy ever falls in love, it's probably going to end with him being chased inside a holy temple and yelling SANCTUAARRRYYYY!!!

So, Dom's face got me thinking. So many other groups try to hide their ugly members.

The world's best band ever, Bon Jovi, had sex symbols like Jon Bon Jovi, Richie Sambora (who banged Denise Richards AND Heather Locklear) and the greasy Mexican drummer, but they also had David Bryan, who looks like the pudgy one from Lord Of The Rings if his face melted.

So, they hid him behind a keyboard.

NO DAVID, YOU ARE TOO UGLY TO DO A SOLO IN LIVING ON A PRAYER
grrabbbhlllerrrrrfggfhgfg

The world's second best band ever, The Beatles, had Ringo...



and Yoko...


Remember N*Sync?

Justin Timberlake and.... the other guys? Sure, nobody remembers the names of... Lance, J.C, Joey and Your search 'N*Sync erobic fiction' did not match any documents. Did you mean 'N*Sync erotic fiction'?, we do remember they all weren't as cosmetically blessed as JT. Not that I think he's attractive. This paragraph is getting mighty gay, I might pull out.


That's what she said.

There we go.

But as I said, N*Sync did a pretty bad job hiding their ugly guy. Especially when it came to naming him. Ladies and Gentlemen, N*Sync member Joey Fatone.

But it ain't no lie baby fries fries frieeesss

Yes, they named the fat one 'Fatone'.

Hell, even KISS had an ugly guy, and they wore facepaint!

I'm going to be a Demon! I'm going to paint a star on my face!

I'm going to paint myself like a CAT!

...... God damn it Pete

The fact is, to be successful, you need an ugly guy to make you look better. It's why the Liberals have Costello, why the Scooby Gang have Shaggy, and why I get Matt to write guest blogs.


Bam

awwwwwwwwwwww

Givin The Rub

Partly because I REALLY don't have anything else to write about, and also because I am a nice blogsmith, I thought I'd do a little blog plugging the newest addition to my links list - Boredomistan.

I'll be straight up with you - I never heard of the site before the owner of it e-mailed me and asked if I wanted to do a link swap. There. I said it. My secret shame revealed. I'm also a dinosaur

But, it's a good site! Really good in fact. Except the most recent post. That's shit. But the ones before it are good. Except the second most recent post, which is a book review and doesn't have enough pictures. But all the rest are good. And the comment boxes are hot. And people actually post constructive comments, like in this blog about Saddam. That's even hotter.

The piece de resistance however, the... how you say... peese de lay rezes-stance, is the very first post on the site. Mainly because of this quote...

We all shrug when 20,000 people are killed in an earthquake in Pakistan, and yet we're hot on the phone to Alan Jones when that little girl gets hit by a car again. You know the one I mean.

Awesome. Go visit it. Tell him I sent you, so he writes a post about how good my blog is.

He Was In Ninja Turtles 2

The New South Wales Police Commissioner has added his voice to growing fears about the most potent amphetamine to hit Australian streets, Ice.

He's warning that it could claim a generation of young people.

Ken Moroney has named Ice ahead of terrorism and race issues as the greatest challenge facing the New South Wales Police.

ABC News

I don't want to sound like one of those dicks that thinks they're smarter than the Cops, but no. I know people have addictive personalities, and that Ice is just the next drug up for a few people, and that it's evil and its hard to kick and the side-effects are crazy bad, but so does everyone. Which makes anyone who uses it a dumb fuck.

So no, Mr Commish, it's not going to claim 'a generation of young people', it's going to claim 'a generation of dumb fucks'.

Stop, collaborate and listen

Acting like people are powerless to resist their addiction, who get 'claimed' by drugs, turns them into victims when they're not. The victims are the families who have to look after them, the taxpayers who have to pay for their care, the innocents who get mugged or beaten by Ice addicts.

This is the same argument they used for fat people (oh, it's genetic, oh, they have to eat 12 cheeseburgers because their mother was fat), and look where that got us. On a one-way ticket to THIS.

shh... the beanbag has a face

I should be Commissioner.


Then I could speak to Batman. With a red phone.


I should definitely be Commissioner.

The Grand Canyon Blog

Long-time readers of my blog will remember it was about this time last year that I travelled to America, temporarily handing the reigns of TommyIsCoolDotCom over to Matt. You know, the time I went North, and my hits went South.

But the highlight of my America trip, indeed one of the highlights of my entire life, was a visit to the Grand Canyon. I flew over it in a chopper, walked down the rim (hehe rim), saw the sun set over it, and late one night, I made love to it. It was a Grand Canyon, after all.

hot

Seeing this feat of nature, the beautiful rivers of rock, the cavalcade of colours and shades, the... how you say.... giant fucking hole in the desert, it almost made me tear up. It was the only time in my life I've ever been 'moved' by something like that.

And so, today, I blog about this.

Washington, DC — Grand Canyon National Park is not permitted to give an official estimate of the geologic age of its principal feature, due to pressure from Bush administration appointees. Despite promising a prompt review of its approval for a book claiming the Grand Canyon was created by Noah's flood rather than by geologic forces, more than three years later no review has ever been done and the book remains on sale at the park, according to documents released today by Public Employees for Environmental Responsibility (PEER).

We'll skip the 'Bush is evil' undertones there for another blog, but... zuh?

Let me break it down for you. The Grand Canyon falls under the juridstiction of the National Park Service, or NPS. Or NAPS, if you like acronyms that sound like words. They control everything there, including what the tourist shops sell. Which is why in 2003 there was a bit of a kerfuffle when, out of 22 books that submitted that year to be sold at Grand Canyon bookstores, the NPS chose just one. 'Grand Canyon - A Different View', by Tom Vail.

To cut a long story short, Vail is a creationist. He used to be a tour guide at the Canyon, but then his brain fell off the edge and now he thinks the old GC was made by Noah's Flood.

You can see the marks from the flood, just under the bit where the Colorado River and its tributaries cut a channel through the rock over millions of years

I gotta say, I feel sorry for Noah. All he did was build an ark complete with sanitation, food storage and necessary supports to contain two of every single species of animal on the planet, and he gets an earth-destroying flood named after him.

Talk about the short straw.

Straw, of course, being one of the thousands of products he would have had to gather in order to sustain the life of the thousands of animals on his ark, while at the same time ensuring each animal had sufficient room to move and were kept seperate from predators and had sufficient sunlight, air and food and could not punch a hole in the flimsy wood structure he made and launched by himself.

Sorry, got lost a bit there.

Anyway, I think you know where I'm going with this. I don't really have a problem with a bookstore at the Grand Canyon selling a creationist text. After all, every good bookstore should have a Humour section.

But when a certain theological viewpoint is given so much credence that it's the only alternative available in a state-run national park bookstore, when it's put next to books that use the scientific method rather than looking up the index of fucking Genesis, it stops being a freedom of religion issue. It becomes an issue exactly like Intelligent Design, where an un-scientific theory is forced upon the debate and placed on the same level as those with centuries of evidence and consensus.

NO

People opposed to Creationism aren't opposed to religion, and they're definitely not opposed to expressions of religion. They just want you to come up with a better explanation than committing intellectual suicide and saying 'A WIZARD DID ITT!@#' before you sell your fucking books next to the real ones.

If you want to read more about this, because, let's face it, I just mainly just bitched about Christians, - clicky and clicky.

If you don't want to look at more hot Grand Canyon photos, tough shit cause here they come.

HOT

(props to richie for taking the photos)