An English Test For Migrents

English exams for migrants

Immigrants hoping to become citizens will have to pass a test on basic English skills and the Australian way of life, Prime Minister John Howard announced today.
Would-be citizens would need to show they had a basic understanding of Australia's "shared values", under plans outlined by Mr Howard and his undersecretary for immigration Andrew Robb.
The tests would apply to all new migrants who apply to become Australian citizens after being in Australia for four years.

That's hot.

Seriously, that's hot. Requiring people who have been in Australia for four years to pass a basic test, in English makes way too much sense. The way I see, unless you can order, in English, a footlong chicken fillet with bacon and no jalapenos at Subway, you can't function in society. In fact, that should be the test. I don't care if you know about parliamentary democracy, order me a sandwich, bitch.

This is what happens when you forget my fucking mustard, Aziz

What those opposed to the idea of citizens of an English-speaking country learning English don't understand is that this is mainly for their own good. In the land of Work Choices, you're not going to climb the ladder of opportunity (r.i.p) if you don't know how to say 'toilet'.

That's just an example. Not being able to say 'Yes Mr. Howard, I won't tell Janette what we did in the boiler room' would also hold you back.

And I pity the immigrant from Lebanon who can't say 'Oh shit, my baklava set my house on fire' when they call 000. And how would Bulldogs fans chant that Roosters fans like to put penii in our mouths if we can't understand them?!

As for the exam itself, well that's not as hot, especially if it's anything like Beazley's idea of a 'values' test. Call me crazy, but you can't be told what values are. You learn them yourself, from your parents, your environment, your pimp. Saying arbitrary buzzwords like 'mateship' and 'a fair go' sure do make the simple folk happy, but they mean nothing. The Anzacs weren't heroes because of their mateship, they were heroes because of the specific, practical example they set. As soon as you start trying to identify and label values, you remove all their meaning.

Come on men! We have to fight to preserve mateship so Mel Gibson can play me in a movie! FOR COMPULSORY VOTING! CHAAARRGGEEE!!

And now you're probably saying... but Tommy, this is John Howard's idea! You're meant to bag it out, and photoshop things! All you've done is make a joke about him banging the housekeeper in the boiler room! And The Lodge probably doesn't even have a boiler room! And what the fuck is a boiler room?

Well... Feast your eyes on this. This, my friends, is the definition of irony. Well, Alanis Morissette irony anyway.

Here are some examples of the values citizens would have to pledge to uphold.

• Respect for the freedom and dignity of the individual;
• Equality of men and women;
• Freedom of religion;
• Commitment to the rule of law;
• Parliamentary Democracy;
• A spirit of egalitarianism that embraces mutual respect fair play and compassion for those in need.

Oh dear. It photoshops itself.