Tommy's Guide To Your Future Ruler

What will my readers find more boring than a blog about Aussie Politics? A blog about American Politics! Let's roll!

It's only a few months away from the kick-off of the American Presidential Election season. The Democrats (the Party of Clinton, Gore and Lewinski) and the Republicans (the Party of Bush, Cheney and Vader) will both choose their candidate in two primaries, and then the big vote happens in November 2007. Considering we are, for the forseeable future, America's bitch, I thought it might be useful to look at the contenders, in a little piece I'm going to call....

THE PREZ DISPENSER

Our first candidate is Hillary Rodham Clinton. She keeps her maiden name because she totally got to where she was by her own merits. Totally not riding on the coat-tails/cigars of the coolest President ever.

Pros

• Will get lots of votes from women whose husbands cheat on them
• Married to Bill Clinton
• Probably menopausal, meaning no tense moments at that time of the month with the nuclear launch codes handy
• I'd hit it

Cons

• 40% of the country despise her
• Married to Bill Clinton
• Has a vagina
• Appears to be stuck to a chair

Up next is the front runner for the Republican side, John McCain, who narrowly lost the Republican primary to George Bush in 2000.


Pros

• Strong on national defense
• Experienced, been in public service for decades
• Was a former POW in Vietnam for five and a half years

Cons

• Older than time itself
• Has no neck
• Hugs Bush funny

And I'm never never never letting go :)

Hilary's main rival for the Democratic nod is a young Senator from Illinois, Barack Obama. Obama gave an awesome speech at the 2004 Democratic National Convention and has been touted as a future President since. He is also black.

Pros

• An excellent orator
• Black, but not too black
• Looks and speaks like The Rock

Cons

• His first name rhymes with 'Iraq', his last name rhymes with 'Osama' and his middle name is 'Hussein'
• I'm serious, his middle name is Hussein
• A third of the country can't pronounce President Barack Hussein Obama

On the Republican side, McCain's main rival could be former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani.



Pros

• Became 'America's Mayor' after his steadfast leadership following 9/11
• Cleaned up New York City
• Appeals to Democrats and moderates

Cons

• Is pro-choice, pro-civil unions and pro-gun control, meaning he will struggle to win the Republican nomination due to isolating homophobes, religious nutbars and Charlton Heston
• Married 3 times, had to get a court order to get back inside his house
• This picture:

Only one of them is wearing a wig, and it ain't Rudy

As the former Vice-Presidential candidate to John Kerry in 04, Senator John Edwards is an automatic frontrunner.



Pros

• Folksy Southern Charm
• Smiles like a Kennedy
• Has a young family
• Is from North Carolina, home of 16-time World Heavyweight Champion Ric Flair

Cons

• Speaks like Mr. Ed
• Wife is a little frumpy
• Ric Flair voted for the other guy

Mitt Romney has a funny name. He's also the Governor of Massachussets, and a likely Republican candidate.



Pros

• Governor of a Democratic state, has widespread appeal
• Organised the successful 2002 Winter Olympics
• Has a movie-star jawline

Cons

• Is a Mormon
• Is a Mormon
• Is a Mormon

And finally, the third-party candidate, Goat, from the Oats and Old Cans Party.



Pros

• Appeals to voters in the Mid-West and Southern farming states
• A prominent goats rights activist
• Smarter than current President
• As a recycled joke, helps limit Global Warming

Cons

• None

And there you have it. I think you know where my loyalties will lie come next year.





God Bless America.