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Tommy's Guide To Shitty Emo Whiny Bitches And Their Stupid Blogs Where They Can't Spell Words Properly

or How I Learned to Stop Cutting and Love the Bomb


The 'next blog' button at the top right is a comedy goldmine. Sometimes you just find blatant product placement, ugly Asian girls or in-depth discussion about geo-political events. But sometimes, sometimes you find a truly great blog. A blog so brilliant in its awfulness I cannot go another day without posting an in-depth piss-take of it (derived from the Italian 'piztake'). Ladies and gentlemen I present to you...

'my real thoughts'



Now, the first thing you'll notice when you visit this blog is the manga-style cartoon of an emo. You know he is an emo due to the scruffy black hair, black armband, black clothes and the numerous tattoos. All he needs is a 'New Found Glory' CD and he'd be perfect.



The second thing you'll notice is that this guy is a cutter, which might explain the third post down about how he just quit as leader of the NSW Liberal Party (way too soon - please don't read this joke for another three weeks). Phrases like 'some kind of knife carves my pain', 'tattoos define me, pain redefines me' and headings like 'carving' and 'bleeding' adorn the page, and are pretty much the only words spelt correctly.

Thirdly, please note his name is 'Razali Ali' (insert rose petal joke here), and he's only FIFTEEN. Maybe he's starting the cutting young so he can heal before he reaches an age where he realises his inane whining was completely insignificant?

Anyway, the blog mainly consists of him bitching about the pettiest stuff in the world in a language that could best be describe as a cross between English, Korean, SMS and the words a cat makes when it walks across a keyboard. Not even C3-PO could translate gems like 'well until i feel lyk usin my hp tt is'. He's going to lick HTTP?

The best bits of 'my real thoughts' (as opposed to his fake thoughts) come when he lives up to his tag and gets all emo. Look at this one from August 28th:

my life is a wreck

frankly.today suck.woke up ard 11.my father old me to clean the ceiling fan.so i did.everiting ceiling fan there was in the house was cleaned.by me.

OH NOES!@ CLEAN THE CEILING FAN?! THE ONLY WAY TO CURE THE PAIN IS TO CUT! UP THE STREAM NOT ACROSS THE RIVER PRONTO! THE BLOOD WILL CLEANSE THE DUST THAT LANDS ON MY SCARRED SKIN AFTER I CLEAN THE CEILING FAN!

Ali's feather duster

I love his short punchy sentences for effect too. 'everiting ceiling fan there was in the house was cleaned.'

*dramatic pause*

'by me.'

My other favourite post on his blog was his account of his meeting with his ex-girlfriend where she poured her heart out to him (he then poured his BLOOD OUT TO HER FROM THE RIVER OF PAIN THAT RAN THROUGH HIS WRISTS orsoi'massuming).

i can tell.argh fuck.i hate hurting ppl.id rather get hurt reali.pls.just let me noe wat to do god.seryesly.im lost.

Seryesly God, let him noe wat to do. Seryesly Ten.

But NOTHING can touch his most recent blog:

my toe is bleedin.stupid.hit it against the wall.my mom is goin out.so is my bro.n my father.everi1 is out.cept me.bgus.my sis just bought me a slippa.she called to ask wat colour i want.tanks.
sheesh.tis sucks.sumting is wrong all over again

Oh my god. He stubbed his toe. And then his family went OUT! AND HIS SISTER CALLED TO ASK HIM WHAT KIND OF SLIPPERS HE WANTS!!!

GET THE KNIVES OUT JIM WE'VE GOT A CODE BLUE




Is it possible to abort a kid when he's fifteen?