It's the weekend coming up, there's a war in the Middle East (well, another one) and there's way too many pictures of Peter Costello on my blog right now, so to crank up the fun and excitement, it's another one of those fucking video blog posts.

And people say I swear unecessarily

Speaking of unecessary swearing, this video is kinda old, but awesome. It's Unecessary Censorship, courtesy of the Jimmy Kimmel show.

We'll get the boobs out of the way straight out of the bat (hehe bat). A woman who can control her chest.

Japanese people are weird. But their ham-eating CD players are even weirder.

Japanese wrestlers are even weirder. It's the barbed-wire safety net.

Guy walks up to Buzz Aldrin. Guy says Buzz Aldrin didn't go to the moon. Guy calls Buzz a coward. Buzz punches guy in the FACE.

Insert segway into Family Guy. Here's a clip of the voices of Family Guy, doing voices. Of Family Guy. Who knew Cleveland was WHITE?

I love news bloopers. First, we have a news anchor accidentally implying something about a blind climber's sexuality. Then, we have my favourite video of this post - a news reader's tooth falls out, live on air. TWICE.

I also love videos of people getting curbed stomped. I understand people mightn't want to see someone get their face stomped into a curb, so I won't do anything dicky, like trying to hide the link in something wholesome.

Hey look, it's a video of a cute little puppy playing with a ball of string on a merry-go-round in a field full of daisies

Zidane's Headbutt is the talk of the world, even in countries like Africa and the Orient where they don't talk right. So here's the uncensored Zidane's Headbutt.

We do 'Roasts' in Australia, where you get a celebrity's friends to bag them out for an hour and film it. I remember one Channel Nine did with Molly Meldrum, which was 60 minutes or so of really awful gay jokes. But in America, they have it down to an art form. This is Jeffrey Ross, a comedian, 'roasting' Pamela Anderson. Surprisingly, no spit-roasting. It's pretty vulgur, but freaking hilarious. Look out for the bit where he says to Courtney Love that she looks 'worse than Kurt Cobain'. Awesome.

That'll do it for now, here's a picture.

OMG grab the hard hats, it's two political blogs in a row

Howard vs Costello
The Jerry Springer Years

Like the guy who assassinated Austro-Hungarian Archduke Franz Ferdinand (lol same name as the band you should make a joke about that tommy), former Defence Minister Ian McLachlan released a note about a leadership agreement between Howard and Costello, and started a WAR! Except rather than battles and explosions, it's press conferences, and MEETINGS!

Who would have thought a hand-written note from 1994 would cause so much trouble? More importantly, who keeps hand-written notes from 1994?

The tiff really started after the note was released. Faced with the chance to deliver a fatal blow to the giant gaping hole where John Howard's heart was before he privatised it, Costello told the throng of press that the contents of the note were factual. Right after Howard had denied an understanding/agreement/deal was ever agreed upon.

And then, in perhaps the most ironic sentence ever, Peter Costello, full-time politician and the second-in-command of a Government that lies and misleads eight times before it gets out of bed in the morning, said...

My parents always told me, if you have done nothing wrong you have got nothing to fear by telling the truth, and I told the truth.

First off Pete, you're a Liberal Party member. You don't have parents. You were bred in an underground gestation chamber.

Second, you're a politician. Shut the fuck up about telling the truth. If you told the truth, you wouldn't be the Deputy Leader of the fucking Liberal Party.

And don't think you're getting off easy, Howard. The man who can't recall absolutely any meeting where his government may or may not have known about children being thrown from a boat, or may or may not have known about the AWB paying kickbacks to a moustached dicator, or who may or may not have known about every single fucking thing he's ever said or done in his life (including the conception of his children), can remember precisely the events of a meeting twelve years ago.

So what does this, the biggest break-up since Dr. Karl and Susan on Neighbours, mean for the country? Well... not much. Howard will probably stick around longer, so he doesn't look like he's scared of a twelve-year old note. Costello just screwed his already-slightly screwed chances of becoming a lame duck Prime Minister, and somewhere, Mark Latham is rubbing his hands with delight.

But like Superman returning to his Fortress of Solitude, or a stupid cock of a short bald snivelling lying little Prime Minister resigning, John Howard must eventually leave politics. And who will replace him? Can Costello, after being F'd in the A by his party and the media for calling on Howard to resign yesterday? Can Tony Abbott, who wants to privatise women's uterus'? Can Brendan Nelson, or Alexander Downer, both of whom sound gay when they speak?


Quite simply, no.


There is only one hope for the Liberal Party. Like the scent of a recycled joke wafting in the breeze, this particular candidate is the safe option. When the rest of the contenders fall, there will only be man left standing.



Goat.

Vote Goat.

Hello

I haven't really posted much on the IR reforms because it took me a while to, well... care about them. I might long for the obliteration of the Howard Government, and I might have had a man-crush on Latham, but I've never really cared about the workers like a good comrade should.

I didn't have anything else to do this week (or this year), so I thought I'd try and figure out where I stood. That way, when I watch the news, I would know which politician to yell at. So, I looked at my extensive employment and political history. It took me twenty seconds.

I've been on an AWA before and had no complaints, even managed to get myself a few pay rises. At the same time, I saw an old Leb chick at my work get screwed over by a 'trainee wage' clause in her AWA, and get paid below-wage for a few months.

I supported VSU when I was at uni because it meant less money to the Young Libs and Young Labor tossers who thought running a student council that gets 4% voter participation was the most important thing in the known universe.

I've never been a member of a union, nor would I join one unless it was in my best interests. I don't know anybody in a union, and my dad doesn't have a moustache, so I'm pretty sure he's not a communist.

So, with no answers in my personal experience, I did what any uni grad does when they need an opinion.


I remembered something I'd learnt in a second-year politics course.

This isn't what I learnt, though it would have been an
easier way to get a distinction

In the course, we spent a few weeks learning about Foundation and the political climate at the time. Fascinating stuff, but I remember it especially well because of my lecturer. It was just as Latham-Mania was running wild in 2004, when he was polling really well and when my wet dreams of him were really vivid. Anyway, the lecturer said Latham would be 'gone by Christmas'. I laughed at the old fool, because I was sure Prime Minister Latham was a certainty, but sure enough, on Boxing Day that year, the Tsunami hits and kills Latham dead in the water. What a horrible choice of words. Dead Indonesian babies.

Anyway, this all has a point. Aside from debating things like the length of pantaloons and the speed limits for those crazy bikes with one big wheel and one small one, our first politicians, our founding fathers if you will, created an industrial relations system that has survived in some form or another for over a century.

Look Phillip, that man has a bicycle coming out of his arse

It was a compromise between the workers and their bosses, between the regular joes and the owners of the factories that made the crazy bikes with one big wheel and one small one. They set up a wage arbitration body, to regulate pay. They introduced the concept of awards, which exist to this day. But above all, this system recognised the equality between bosses and workers. It's a goofy catchphrase these days, but this system was 'a fair go' for both sides. And it was pretty innovative stuff too, considering the rest of the world treated the working class like two-legged cattle that produced money from their sexy, voluptuous teats rather than milk.

It might sound boring as batshit, and I'll probably regret writing a blog about it when '0 Comments' stares me in the face for the next few days, but it's something to think about the next time you hear about someone getting denied a job because they didn't want to sign away their sick leave or their overtime.

I don't wanna wait, for my lunch to get colder... says (12:58 PM):
ive come up with a blog idea
actually no i havent

Tommy 'The Tommy' Tommy says (12:58 PM):
haha
tell me
no harm in sharing

I don't wanna wait, for my lunch to get colder... says (12:59 PM):
it was more of an observation
like this silly bitch stopped because she knew the builder whos working on the shop next door
and she said "Gary!! what are you doing here!!?"
and its obvious hes fixing the fucking roof on the shop
its signed on his van, hes in work clothes and he had a sheet of tin in his hand
so yeah

Tommy 'The Tommy' Tommy says (12:58 PM):
haha
yeah you're right, that's probably not worth a blog

I don't wanna wait, for my lunch to get colder... says (12:59 PM):
hahaha

Somebody showed me a link to a site called MuslimMatch.com, which as the name suggests, matches Muslims. Like AdultMatchMaker, but if you post a rude name you get stoned to death. So I thought that I'd go undercover, like I did with the Emos in The Wild series, and see what happened. I went about creating a profile.

My name was Abilio, I was 39 years old, 6"0, 215 pounds of pure Muslim stud. Born in Azerbaijan, I lived in Australia, but was willing to 'pay for you to relocate' thanks to the generous salary package I earned as a 'freelance engineer' (read: terrorist). I was very Islamic, to the point where I even considered pets 'Haraam' (the opposite of 'Halal'). My interests included studying the Quran, staying indoors, Qawallis music and Big Brother Friday Night Games. All in all, it took me about 15 minutes to make this hilarious profile, including a few minutes to find some suitable pictures of my fictional Muslim love machine.

Hello lady, would you like to commence the marriagement?

And then I tried looking at my profile. Not only was the profile open to just members of the site, but members had to PAY to see all of it. And trust me, it really wasn't that funny. Unlike Wil Anderson, I don't charge people for my bad jokes.

So, I quit. I suicided bombed my keyboard, and tried to think of something to blog about. Then, an anonymous fairy found this page on the same site. It's the Al-Albaani, the etiquette of a true Muslim marriage. Translated to English, Al-Albaani means 'champagne comedy'. So, let's take a look, in a guide I'm going to call...

TOMMY'S GUIDE TO MUSLIM MARRIAGES
From The 14th Century To Your Bedroom!


After a little hadith action, we read some words straight from the Quran (OMG TERRORIST), then get into the good stuff - the rules. Let's screw convention and start with #1.

1. Kindness toward your wife when you wish to enter into her

It is desirable, when one goes into his wife on his wedding night, to show her kindness, such as presenting her with something to drink, etc.

Now, in Western cultures, spending $20,000 on a wedding and listening to the bitch babble on about colours, dresses and menus is enough to score some wedding night poon. But those Muslims always like to make things more difficult for themselves, so they force another act of kindness before the OHIOHHMMHMHUNFFFFF begins.

And people say Muslims treat their women bad? He gets her a DRINK!

We'll skip the stuff about praying and flip ahead to rule Number 4.

4. What to say at the time of making Love

When a Muslim man is about to enter his wife, he should always say first:

Bismillahi, Allahumma jannibnaa ash-shaitaan, wa jannib
ash-shaitaan maa razaqtanna

[In the name of Allah, O Allah, keep us away from the devil, and keep the devil away from that which You may grant us (ie. offspring).]

Isn't that beautiful? 'Oh Dina, before we consummate our marriage, let me just make sure you're not going to give birth to a demon spawn'. I wonder if the guy says it in a sexy voice too. Like instead of saying 'ash-shaitaan', he says 'ash.......-ssssssshaitannn.....'

5. How he should come to her

It is allowed for a Muslim man to enter his wife in her vagina from any direction he wishes - from behind or from the front. About this Allaah revealed the following verse:

"Your wives are a tilth unto you; so approach your tilth
when or how ye will" [al-Baqarah 2:223]

Yeah, you like that, you dirty little tilth? Yeah, my tilth likes what Daddy gives her. Mmm. First off, the title for that rule is completely misleading. I thought we'd skipped straight to the end, but it's just about the positioning. And wow, look at that. Two positions. It's like the Reader's Digest Kama Sutra.

6. The Prohibition of Sodomy

It is forbidden for a Muslim man to enter his wife in her anus.

So that's why there were no Muslim chicks in any of the videos I downloaded.

8. Bathing is preferable

Uhh... Preferable?

If you live in say, Saudi Arabia, and you've come back from your job in the oil fields and have more body hair than Robin Williams, and you're going to shag a woman who has worked under a burqa all day in an arid desert climate, I think the least both of you could do is RUN A FRIGGING BATH?!

12. Making Tayammum in a state of Janaba instead of Wudhuu'

It is also permissible to make Tayammum sometimes instead of wudhuu' before sleeping. This is based on a hadith of 'Aa'ishah in which she said: "When the Prophet was in a state of janaba and wished to sleep, he used to make wudhuu' or Tayammum."

Ok, I like to think I know a little bit about Islam, and I'm pretty sure that somebody got 'Muslim Rules of Marriage Ettiquette' mixed up with 'Names of Planets In Star Wars'. Cause I'm pretty sure the Death Star blew up Janaba.

Han Solo escapes the destruction of Wudhuu

And after the obligatory picture break - Rule #14.

14. The Prohibition of sex when She is Menstruating

It is forbidden for a Muslim man to have sexual intercourse with his wife when she is menstruating.

They need to be told by freaking Allah?

18. The Lawfulness of Coitus Interruptus

Withdrawl of the penis from the vagina at the time of ejaculation with the purpose of avoiding impregnation. This can be done only with the permission of one's wife).

Coitus Interruptus sounds like a legal term.

'Your honour, my client was unaware of the coitus interruptus precedent at the time he murdered the woman via bukkake'.

'Very well, I find the defendant Superman not guilty.'

21. What he should do the Morning After His Wedding Night

It is desireable for the husband to go to his relatives who came to visit him in his house, on the following morning, to give them greetings and pray for them.

Considering all the other rules have been about how best to bone your Muslim possession/wife, wouldn't that be an akward little conversation?

22. The House must have a Place for Bathing

The married couple must have a place to bathe in their house

:|

And the final one...

23. The Prohibition of Spreading Bedroom Secrets

It is forbidden for either the husband or the wife to spread any of the secrets of their bedroom to anyone outside.

Thereby ruining my planned pilot for Durka Durka Desperate Housewives.


There you have it. So, next time you're in a crowded marketplace in Dubai, and your/his eyes notice your/her pitch-black burqa, while your/her eyes travel slowly down your/his body to the belt full of plastic explosives, and you fall in love at first glance/stoning, you will be prepared. Thanks to me, and MuslimMatch.com.

My hits double every time I talk about Big Brother (and they halve when I post a guest blog from REDACTED) so I figured I'd give it another turkey slap to the face with my blog-penis.

SackToTheFaceGate 2006 has taken over the nation. Everybody's talking about it, from handsome bloggers, to radio DJs, to news readers. Sadly, we didn't get to hear Sandra Sully say 'turkey slap', but that was wishful thinking anyway. So with everyone in the nation consumed with the details of the short-term relationship between Ashley's balls and Camilla's cheek, we turn to our esteemed leaders to guide our country back on course. Because with the War on Terror, the growing health crisis and the drought, Australia cannot afford to be distracted by such petty, Big Brother trivialities.

Oh wait, apparently we can.

After having successfully solved every single problem facing the Australian continent, our wise representatives in Canberra have turned their focus to the Turkey Slap.

John Howard called for Ten to do a bit of 'self-regulation' and cancel the show.

Kim Beazley, indecisive as usual, didn't approve of SackToTheFaceGate 2006 because he had 'daughters', but just thought Big Brother shouldn't be brought back next year.

Queensland Premier Peter Beattie said Big Brother shouldn't be axed because of the jobs it provides, Democrats Senator Andrew Bartlett said the politicians should STFU, and that slimey Family First dick Andrew Fielding said the Turkey Slap had a detrimental effect on families. Because so many children were watching the Big Brother live internet stream at 4:07am (the only time it was ever broadcast).

'Seriously' Ten has flipped all these old coots the big bird, and announced that Big Brother 7 will be produced next year.

YA SRSLY

But no matter what you think about Big Brother, I think we can all gather around the TommyIsCool campfire and agree that politicians are a bunch of dicks, and that this is how revolutions start.

Camilla 4 Prime Minister

So, Ashley and John got evicted from the Big Brother house for some weak-ass "sexual assault" on Camilla. Here's a picture. Ashley is the blurry green glob on the left, John is the blurry green glob on the right, and Camilla is in the middle. You can tell by her body language that she's just asking for someone to rub their genitals against her face.

Wow, my pillow feels a little hairy tonight

Like getting your mate to hold down a sleeping girl while you turkey slap her with your dick and balls is anything but harmless fun. When did this nation turn into a bunch of prudes? Whatever happened to the good days, the days before the feminazis took over this country and introduced fake words like "rape"?

But srsly folks




Rape is not funny. (Owls, on the other hand, are hilarious.) People always bag out Big Brother because it's full of drunk idiots acting like tossers, but I've always found it somewhat entertaining. But what happened to Camilla was about as close to rape as you can get without yelling 'SURPRISE!', and that's not cool.

I say the only way to save the show is to either bring back Jo from Big Brother 3 so she can seduce the boys to not vote for her, or get Krystal to rub her fake norks on all the housemates in the house (except the old bitch), so we even up the sexual assault.

You know I'm right.