Hey, Spider-Man, let's have a chat
What were you thinking, Spider-Man?
tobey maguire is not this tanYou start off your film career with Spider-Man 1, a good movie. The Green Goblin is a little too 'bad guy from Power Rangers', but everything clicks. You even let us see Mary-Jane's nipples.
And then you follow that up with Spider-Man 2, a fantastic movie. Doctor Octopus is so well-done, it ends on a nice cliffhanger and the stuff with you and Mary-Jane is great. No MJ nippleage, but I guess that's to be expected.
And then.... you give us Spider-Man 3, and my whole world falls apart. I mean, Harry Osbourne as the Hobgoblin, built up for two movies, wicked. Ned from Ned and Stacy as The Sandman, awesome. And Forman from That 70's Show as Venom? Brilliant. If you had Balky from Perfect Strangers playing The Vulture, the villain line-up would have been off the charts.
But then, you ruin it. Hobgoblin gets like ten minutes. The Sandman turns into Sand King Kong. Venom gets about five minutes. You introduce Gwen Stacy, but no nipples?
And the villain's back-stories. Spidey. Come on now. Look at Batman. Batman villains are good because they're just evil psychos. You don't feel sympathy for The Joker, you don't want him to turn good, you just like it when he pulls out that really long handgun and shoots the Batwing. And then Batman kills him, and all is good.
But Spidey, you just don't know how to make a bad guy. They have to have sick daughters or be in freak octopus-arm-melding-accidents, or have their fathers killed, and then right at the end of the movie they get their redemption. You know what Batman does to redeem his bad guys at the end of movies?
Drops them off a fuckin' building.
And let's see Spidey, an alien symbiote falls from the sky, attaches itself to your body and you turn into this?
You think this is funny? You think we're entertained? No. We're weirded out. We laughed at you in the cinema, but not a 'lol parker you so crazy', a 'lol i wish we'd seen this movie on a tuesday night so our ticket was $3 cheaper'.
Make better movies, Spider-Man. And get rid of the hyphon in your name. You're not fooling anybody.
5 comments:
The strength behind Marvel villians is the fact that there's a reason behind their evil...DC have gone with the 'he's evil cos he kicked sand in a kid's face last issue' villian protocol.
There's a degree of depth to the Marvel villian, and that's what you look for...not a hot bitch in leather who acts like a cat for...wait, yeah...that's exactly what I'm looking for.
As for Spidey 3, the audience opinion on it would probably best be summed up by the fact that the entire theatre laughed when people cried. The acting was disturbingly horrible...and the fact that he went and combed his fringe down when he got badass was ridiculous. At least have him buying a pair of ultra tight jeans.
Dear Mr Tommy 'Socko' 'Gareth' 'Thomas' 'LOL what a queer' Tomlin, owner and proprieter of sockoiscooldotcomdotbloggerdotcom,
I feel compelled to point out a number of errors in your latest update:
- Mary Jane's nipples are clearly visible in Spiderman 2 at the end of the movie when she's tied to a pillar in Doc Oc's lair in that flimsy brown top that is soaking wet. The newly released 'Spiderman 2.1' DVD contains an extra three minutes of this footage centering largely around one of Doc Oc's mechanical arms tweaking these nipples.
- Harry's surname is 'Osborn', not 'Osbourne'. Please fix this, Tommy Toumline.
- Harry did not become the Hobgoblin, he became the New Goblin. Just as I am not 'Superman', I am 'Guy who chases kids at the supermarket whilst wearing only underwear'.
- You watch Ned and Stacy. What a fag.
- It's spelt 'hyphen'. Didn't you go to some sort of journalism school or something? Doesn't the Blogger thing even have a spell checker??
Fix all this up or I shall be reporting you to the BAA, the Blogging Authority of Australia, and I will be taking over and my updates will consist solely of terrible jokes, lame photoshops and transcripts of MSN conversations in lieu of actual articles. So, basically, nothing will change except the title, which will become 'I am not a sex offender, those kids were asking for it'. Enjoy.
Good work. I hated Spiderman 3. A waste of money!
Cameron
ned and stacey was one of the best sitcoms of the 1990's, this is fact
Tommy, i never want you to die.
You could be the funniest person i know.
All hail Balcay Bartocomouse
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