Who's on first? YOU.

So, TIME Magazine announced their Person Of The Year. You've probably heard about it. My family has a subscription, so I'm pretty awesome. But after reading the mag, turns out I'm more awesome than I thought. Cause I'm the TIME Person Of The Year. Yep. And you too. In fact, everybody is.

Not this guy though, this guy just stole the magazine.

TIME says it's because of the growth of MySpace and YouTube and blogs, that the collective individual has impacted society, culture and technology more than ever before.

I think it's because they're pussies.

We should have seen it coming. Their first cop-out was in 1969, when they chose 'Middle Americans' as the Man of The Year (they only changed it to 'Person' in 1999, the year scientists discovered the 'woman'). Then, in 1993, they pussed out again and chose the 'Peacemakers' - Mandela, de Klerk, Arafat and Rabin. Wow, those last two sure deserved it. That Middle East Peace Plan worked a treat.

Clinton's first threesome

But it was 2001 when TIME's complete lack of any genitalia became apparent, like when Matt got dacked at a school athletics carnival. By a girl with no hands. And... cystic fibrosis. (Also herpes)

Because in 2001, the year Osama Bin Laden masterminded the most catastrophic terrorist attack since the release of Pauly Shore's Biodome, TIME chose Rudy Giuliani as their Person Of The Year. Don't get me wrong, Rudy was awesome. He was a shining light of hope amidst the rising fog of darkness blah blah terror freedom blah. But you don't choose the guy who REACTED to the world-changing event. When Harry Truman blew the fuck out of Japan they didn't choose Emperor Hirohito, they chose Harry fucking Truman.

A picture of Harry fucking Truman Not a picture of Harry Truman fucking, which would have been difficult to obtain and would have required an awkward phone call to his estate

Since then, it's been girly-bike riding with a basket and a bell central. There were the corporate corruption Whistleblowers in 2002, the American Soldier in 2003, the Good Samaritans (Bono and The Gates) in 2005, and finally - 'You'.

It's BS. Do they even know who they're giving this award to? I mean... I have a blog. Technically, I received the award for writing about SIDE BOOB. Person Of The Year.... Side Boob.... Person Of The Year... Do you get where I'm going with this?

I love the people who made 'My Hands Are Bananas', but come on - Person Of The Year? If all Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad had to do was make a MySpace, maybe he wouldn't have threatened the world with a nuclear Middle East? Maybe good old Kim-Jong il could have just blended an iPod instead of becoming a nuclear despot! MAYBE YOUR STUPID AWARD IS SHIT TIME

YOU CAN FUCKING KEEP IT

I DON'T WANT YOUR PIECE OF CRAP WORTHLESS AWARD




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