The Great Movies You’re Not Watching (Unless You’re a Time-Travelling Bootlegger)

If Tommy can get a blog entry out of a few minutes of flicking through a TV guide and posting about random stuff he finds, you can be damn sure that’s a bandwagon I’m going to be jumping on. Now, back in the day, I used to be head entertainment reported for a high-powered Internet portal site. I’m not going to tell you which one, but rest assured, you would have been there before. My editor, Mr Quentin Bollix, quit over a feud with a publisher Charlie Tango and, because I was loyal to ‘Boll’, as we called him, I quit too. And I ended up here. Funny how life turns out, isn’t it? Funny how it just makes you want to hang yourself.

Q. Bollix as a young man.

Anyway, here we go, with a whole bunch of movies that haven’t come out yet that you really want to see because they’re totally going to rule and it will help you take your mind off the fact that you had a totally awesome writing career on the cards and then it all blew up in your face.

Isn’t it funny how, as we go along, we all become like Tommy in the end?

Anyway, read this stuff, and make sure you click on the titles to view trailers:

- 300 -



300 is a story about the last 300 Spartans in Sparta who totally kicked some ass at Thermopylae in like 400 B.C. It is based on a graphic novel by Frank Miller, just as Sin City was. In the tradition of Sin City, a lot of focus has gone into the visual style of the film but, where Sin City went comic-book, 300 is going ‘blow your load in your seat fucking awesome’ and seriously just overcranking the shit out of everything.

Pros:

This fucking film will look gorgeous.

With actors they've chosen they've gone for ability over noteriety, so you won't know who the shit anyone is but you won't care.

Just watch the trailer and pretend this movie isn't going to be filled with 'fuck yeah' moments. Just try it, I dare you. I bet you can't.

Further, I am predicting the best psych-up-an-army speech since ‘never take our freedom’.

Cons:

Another fucking big battle and old-timey combat movie. I mean, seriously, Hollywood, can we please just let this fucking fetish go? Yes, Lord of the Rings made a buttload of money, but this is very close the the thin edge of the wedge. But anyway, 300 is still going to rule.



- Stranger Than Fiction -



In this movie, Will Ferrell realises that a voice that only he can hear is narrating his life. When this voice tells him that he will shortly be meeting an untimely demise, he is suitably disturbed and goes to Dustin Hoffman for help. Hell, who wouldn't?

Do you remember Will Ferrell? Remember how Anchorman made us laugh until selected internal organs began to liquify? Remember how that one Woody Allen comedy he made was completely a comedy apart from the fact that none of it was funny? This movie will be funny. Remember how you left Talladega Nights feeling vaguely insulted? This movie is like, the anti-Talladega. If anything, you're going to leave this movie feeling stupider. Pajiba wrote a way wicked review of this movie that's better than I can do, so read that.

Pros:

Will Ferrell is normally a damn funny guy, as long as he's not working with a completely retarded script.

If the movie starts to suck I can just flashback to that episode of Family Guy where Peter got his own theme music and it will be pretty much the same thing.

Cons:

Sometimes I like to laugh at Will Ferrell movies without thinking so much that blood drips out my ears.


- The Simpsons Movie -



The Simpsons has been going for eighteen fucking seasons. And it's about 10 seasons more than it ever should have gone for. This fucking show started when I was in kindergarten. It's nearly as old as I am. Lord knows everyone keeps telling me that I stopped being funny a while ago, I think it's the same for the Simpsons. But the Simpsons doesn't have sex appeal and a two-foot penis to compensate.

Pros:

It's the Simpsons. I mean, I know that, somewhere, it has it in itself to be funny and original for an hour and a half, even if it hasn't been funny or original for a decade.

Think about it, if this movie can go back to basics for the Simpsons, it can be a triumphant return. Then maybe they'll stop the syndication and we can all remember the series fondly and my petition to Channel 10 to only do repeats of series 3-8 will be accepted and hot naked women will fall from the sky like rain.

Cons:

If the movie spends more than eight minutes and eleven seconds on Marge and/or Lisa, it will be awful. This has been proven by science.

If this movie sucks, it will be the final nail in a huge freakin' coffin.


- Grind House -



Quentin Tarantino wants to make movies like the movies he grew up on. So he and Robert Rodriguez got together to make Planet Terror and Death Proof and, combined, they make Grind House. It's all tits, blood, violence, fucking and rock and roll. And I for one am looking forward to it. To quote Tarantino, 'I call them 'boner movies' cause they get you so excited'. Right on, brother.

Pros:

Tits

Violence

Rock and Roll

Tits

Tits

Cons:

In this movie Rose McGowan is a stripper and later they replace her leg with a fucking assault rifle. This is a con because by simply writing that sentence I may have blown an awesomeness fuse or two.

Unfortunately, there may be some shots in the film where there are no tits.


- Hot Fuzz -



Those funny fucks who brought you Shaun of the Dead are now moving from the zombie genre to the cop genre. I'm not sure if 'zombie' and 'cop' are actually classified as genres, but work with me here, OK? Anyway, if it's anything like Shaun of the Dead it's going to walk the line between parody and serious attempt by having some scenes there for laughs and some scenes that are just downright badass. And if it's anything like Shaun of the Dead it's going to make you laugh so hard in the cinema that people will get annoyed at you but won't say anything because you have such a weird-sounding laugh that they'll confuse you with a Downs Syndrome guy.

Pros:

Looks funny.

Guns.

Cons:

May have just been greenlit on the back of SotD, is the first movie from a comedy production group on the heels of a critically-successful movie. Read: may suck donkey balls.


So there you go. That's my eleven-dollars-seventy on some up coming movies (it would normally have been 'my two cents' but take into consideration that I wrote a lot there, my time is worth significantly more than yours and also there's inflation and the recession we had to have etcetera) which I hope has taken your mind off your life for a while, given you a bit of excitement for some good films in your future and helped me get through an entire blog post without uploading a picture of something completely useless and unfunny.



Dammit, better luck next time, I guess.