NASA announces... something...

I don’t know who really reads NASA press briefings anymore, mainly because I was never made fully aware of who was reading NASA press briefings in the first place. However, if you would now like to become one of the lucky few who do read them, besides Applied Mathematics Graduates and hobbit-loving virgins, click right here.

If you like NASA, you are now jerking off to this image.

If you’re afraid that, in this world of government monitoring and Russian spy agencies, that people will find out you clicked on a link pointing to NASA, just read the excerpt below so that you can then follow along with the paragraphs after the excerpt so that you can laugh along with the other readers of Tommy’s blog, primarily Applied Mathematics Graduates and hobbit-loving virgins.

NASA Schedules Briefing to Announce Significant Find on Mars

NASA [will soon be hosting a press conference] to present new science results from the Mars Global Surveyor. The briefing will take place in the NASA Headquarters auditorium. The agency last week announced the spacecraft's mission may be at its end. Mars Global Surveyor has served the longest and been the most productive of any spacecraft ever sent to the red planet. Data gathered from the mission will continue to be analysed by scientists.

Now, putting aside for a moment the fact that NASA have an auditorium like a freaking high school where they quite possibly put on little plays and stuff, most of the talk going around at the moment seems to indicate that NASA are going to announce they have discovered a source of free-flowing water on Mars. And, because it is a well-known fact that life loves the clear, crisp, refreshing taste of Perrier, it would indicate that life is possibly hanging out on Mars right now, partying on down before the life over on Jupiter gets pissed off and calls the cops to shut the place down.

However, knowing NASA and knowing that humanity has zero fucking luck as far as finding interesting shit in space goes, chances are NASA’s going to be holding one huge clusterfuck of a press conference featuring pictures of some rock they found on Mars that’s way rockier than the thousand other fucking rocks they found this month.

However, because I like to think of myself as the optimistic spark in amongst the bleakness and hopelessness that is Tommy’s blog, I figured I’d rattle off a few things that NASA might announce even through we really know they won’t.

• NASA announces that they have found anaerobic microbes in Martian rocks. Six months later, President Bush announces he will bring democracy to the microbes.
• NASA announces they have discovered Xenu’s secret Martian laboratory. Six months later, Tom Cruise announces he will be leading an Impossible Mission Force to Mars to remove Xenu’s installation.
• NASA announce that they have lost communication with the rover, and its last transmission was classified secret. It was the last warning we would receive.
• NASA announces they have discovered flowing water on Mars and will be installing me, Matt Sampson, as Warlord and Supreme Commander of Mars. My first act of business will be to strap some huge fucking engines onto the back of Mars, take it to a Maccas drive-thru and totally freak those bastards out.
• NASA announces the rover has discovered life on Mars as well as a formula to calculate the size of the universe, proof that God exists and a copy of Police Academy 9: Assignment to Albania. Probability implodes and all atheists and Steve Guttenberg haters kill themselves.
• NASA announces the rover has found itself in a massive chocolate bar factory. Opinions are currently divided on what to call the bars from the planet of Mars.
• NASA announces the rover has been taken hostage by Vin Diesel, the chick with three tits from Total Recall and Gary Sinise’s career after he made that ‘Mission to Mars’ movie.
• NASA announces the rover has discovered the following image:

So, even though we all know that NASA’s idea of announcement usually leaves science geeks jerking each other off in excitement and leaves the rest of us scratching our heads wondering why the shit no one has pulled their fingers out and found Martians or built flying cars, given us food in pill form or figured out a way to clone Mandy Moore, at that gives us a few things that we can look forward to.



SO HELP ME GOD, I WILL MAKE IT HAPPEN