Tommy's Guide To The Wankers

If you haven't heard of the DVD floating around from a Melbourne school, that shows a young girl blowing a few guys (consensually) before getting her hair set on fire (non-consensually) and being pee'd on by the guys afterwards (presumably to put out the fire), well... you're probably reading about important things. But here's a clip of the video from Today Tonight anyway.

Now, there's nothing Aussies love more than a witch-hunt, so the alleged MySpace addresses of the boys starring in the DVD have been bouncing around the net. And coincidentally, there's nothing I love more than taking the piss out of MySpaces.

I'm writing this on Thursday because I have a feeling they might get taken down or made private soon. So, I took lots of pictures.

(Ten minutes after Tommy wrote that line, the MySpaces were all deleted. Tommy then predicted that he would receive a lapdance from Elisha Cuthbert. That prediction is still pending.)

There's three MySpaces to take apart - Boofa, Eman and Angelini. Yes, those are boys names.

Let's take them in order of dickery. Here's Boofa's MySpace.

can you find the hidden message? clue: it's 'bang'

And here's his message to us all.



To which his friend, and alleged video co-star Eman replied...




To which the English language replied...




Let's take a look at the third alleged (notice how I keep saying alleged? That's because I can't afford a lawyer) video star, Angelini.

big text, for a big wanker

His MySpace seems pretty harmless, as long as you ignore this picture in his photo album.

dude where's my balls?

That's Boofa from before, on the right, in the world's tightest jeans. Seriously, how did he even get his dick out to pee on the girl? Does he have a catheter? Is that what's made the wet spot?

I also love this comment on Angelini's MySpace :


How was my weekend? Oh. Pretty good. Just stole a girl's clothes and threw them into the Werribee River, then we set her hair on fire with an aerosol can. Wanna go see a movie?

Here's a comment from Angelini himself on another friend's MySpace.

angelini posing with a bottle of galliano/giant glass dildo

In light of the fact he wants to 'shit in ur fukin mouf kunt lol', I reckon the girl got off pretty lightly with just a golden shower.

But enough about Angelini, let's go back to Eman for a moment. Short for Emanuelle. Here's his profile.

hey dude let's take a photo for your myspace doing Blue Steel, nobody's ever thought of that before

And here's his interests.

And if that's photo didn't convince you that he's a bit off, he's got a raging one for Ricky Muscat from Idol. Who is a guy. And can't even sing. What a homo. Dean is much hotter.

In most cases, the worst thing about these sites isn't their dicky profiles or love for male Idols. It's the fact they have so many hot, 16-year old girls wanting to bone them even AFTER the video was out. Seriously, if you want proof of Beaten Housewive Syndrome, look no further than these two:


Here's an idea Nikki. Next time you try to blame the media for your mates assaulting a girl on video, stop looking so damn hot. Seriously, you're like a pseudo-Asian Holly Valance and I just can't bring myself to insult you for your fucked-up comment, you stupid slut oh there we go I did it.

But as I look through these now-deleted MySpaces, I kinda feel a bit of sympathy for these guys. After all, I don't really know if they were the ones who did the dodgy deeds. And while standing around watching a chick get her hair set on fire is still just as horrible, maybe these guys aren't entirely to blame.

After all, children are the product of society. 16 year olds who wear blue pants so tight they restrict blood flow to the schlong, which they then use to pee on a chick, are still 16 year-olds. They're impressionable. They see videos on YouTube, Jackass on TV and German porn on their computers and think, hey, that's pretty cool. Maybe these guys are the real victims.

Or, maybe they're just a bunch of wankers.

Yeah.

They're wankers.


I'll let Dani, a commenter on Eman's MySpace, take us out.



Yes Dani. I hope in they all get a bruise. Peace out.

UPDATE 31/10 - You can check out the archived versions of the Wanker's MySpace's here!