God Squad Activate!

Broadcast live from your local school every single weekday, it's....




Starring....

John Howard!

Jesus!

The Great Prophet Muhammad!

And James Hong as Sonny!

You hear about this folks? Youhearaboutthisone?

A $90 million scheme aimed at funding 'grief counselling and spiritual guidance' for school children has been introduced by the Federal Government. The scheme (such a bad word) would provide about $20,000 bucks for each school to spend on a chaplain of their choice, provided they are deemed satisfactory by the Gov.

Rrrright.

Because it totally addresses the problem. I mean, putting aside that whole, overrated 'Seperation of Church and State' and 'No Federal Funding for Religion' thing, there's just not enough access to free religious guidance. There's no such thing as free churches or Mosques or Temples. /hillsong joke./ These poor kids are starving for the Good Word. Have you ever tried to find a copy of the Koran in South-West Sydney? Or a Bible in Baulkham Hills? It's crazy, man.

And it will be totally useful. There's no possible way to spend $90 million better in the Australian Education System. There's no textbook shortages or lack of teachers in country towns. That's all just un-Australian propaganda. Kids don't need books, they need values! The great Aussie values that have made this country great, like democracy, and mateship and freedom of religio-... Oh.

And kids will totally use it. Screw the professionally trained psychological counselling they already have free access to. When their parents divorce and they think it's their fault, or their best friend calls them names behind their back, kids need to be told that 'God works in mysterious ways'. Cut your wrists? That's the infidels fault! Hey Little Jimmy, I hear you're having impure thoughts about your male best mate! Guess what, you're going to Hell! Wheeeeeeeee!!!

Luckily, Jimmy's spiritual counsellor had given him a poster of Jesus.

And don't think I don't know what I'm talking about here. I went to a Christian school, and I know that kids always went to old Reverend Carrick before they went to the much younger, much more accessible school counsellor. I don't know how the Good Rev had time to trim his beard, what with all the kids lined up outside his office for spiritual guidance.

And if I know kids, they'll love to talk about puberty, sex and emotions with the closest thing to the God almighty himself that they know. This is gunna ROCK!

And it will totally work in public schools. Especially in the outer suburbs. You know, those schools with about 8 different religions? I can't wait for Marrickville High to spend their $20k on the world's first MinisterImamRabbiLesbian. I'm sure that will go down a treat.

You know a better way to spend $90 million bucks?

Give the 3.5 million or so Aussie kids of school age twenty-five dollars and seventy-one cents. I'm pretty sure you''ll end a lot more of their worries with a fresh twenty dollar note than you will with a guy telling them they got raped because they looked like 'uncovered meat'.

I got your spiritual guidance right here, Government.

....



(I pointed to my crotch)