Bushfires - The Silent Killers

Let me start out by saying that Bushfires aren't funny. In fact, if you Google 'Bushfire Comedy', all you get is this YouTube video of a guy shooting a firework near his crotch. And while that video is funny, it really has nothing to do with Bushfires, unless he set his pubes alight. In which case, Bushfires are fucking hilarious.

Not even Groucho Marx glasses can make bushfires funny

My favourite thing about Bushfires (what) is that the media act like they're some big surprise. Like living in an arid country with 40+ degree summer days and houses parked alongside national parks with gutters choc-full of dry vegetation is a recipe for snowstorms or something.

Then there's always the guy whose backyard is a bigger fire hazard than a chemical factory in an action movie, talking about how 'he never thought it would happen in [suburb]', or the news reader talking about how the fire 'took this small town by surprise', like it sneaked up at night in a black Tarago with camo paint on its face.

Bushfires suck, but they sure do look pretty

There are three certainties in Australian summers.

1. Cricket being on way too much. Come on folks, I can't be the only person who, upon hearing terrorists wanted to poison the Ashes teams, thought 'Hmm....'. Can I get an amen? No? Stop typing?

2. Bushfires. If you live in New South Wales, another certainty is Rural Fire Service Commissioner Phil Koperberg being on every television news broadcast every night. Seriously, that dude is on more boxes than Colin Farrel.

3. Everybody talking about how wonderful those 'Elvis' fire fighting helicopters are.

Koperberg snacks on his favourite treat - Glasses

Bushfire Season on TV is like the Bathurst 1000. You could replay last years, and nobody would notice. Well, except the bits when they cut to Peter Brock in the crowd. You'd probably have to edit them out.

Now, I don't want you to think I'm just bitching and making poor-taste jokes about Brockie. I have solutions. Without further ado, Tommy's Seven-Point Guide To The Bushfire Season. Why seven? And why are only three funny? How about you stop asking questions?

1. Don't live near a national park. If you like nature so much, why don't you fuck off?
2. Make friends with firefighters. Put them in your MySpace 'Top 8', so they know you think they're cool.
3. Start random fires near your neighbour's houses during the colder months, in order to make sure they know what to do come summer.
4. Jetpacks.
5. Put asbestos in your family's breakfast cereal. That way, your insides are flame retardent.
6. Collect and cage rare native animals. When the bushfire comes, throw them at the fire as a sacrifice, so the fire knows you respect it.
7. Live near Phil Koperberg (NSW Residents only)

Thanks for reading, and remember - if your house burns down this summer, send me a guest blog.