Election07 - BREAKING POLITICAL NEWS

The Family First logo looks like a sad dead clown :(

Election 07: The Master Debators, and who didn't expect me to make a masturbation joke when I blogged about the debate

Just in case you were wondering - no. I'm pretty much only going to be writing about the election for the next few weeks. If you're looking for some hard-hitting pop culture pisstakes, go check Boredomistan or download a Get This! podcast. Or maybe think for yourself for once, loser.

The Debate was on Sunday. I watched intently, mainly to see what the Worm would do. He went well, but I think Kevin Rudd beat him.

(that one took me a few days)

The Debate had three highlights. The first was Kevin Rudd smacking his microphone after his very first hand movement, putting an early end to the contemporary dances moves he normally breaks out when giving speeches.

The second was Ray Martin doing some subtle bitching about the National Press Club's decision to cut Channel Nine's feed after their unauthorised use of democracy - the Worm. While some claim the Worm was biased, and the panel of 80 undecided voters that controlled it were all Kevin-lovin' clones of me, that's just ridiculous.

For proof, look no further than this photo taken of the Worm Panel:

The third and final highlight was the near-biff between the two old bastards over some figures from the OECD. Luckily it didn't go to fisticuffs, because I reckon Howard could take him. I picture him like a less nimble Mr. Myagi.


But all in all, it was an even affair, with both men proving they are worthy candi- HAHAHAHA RUDD WON SUCK SHIT SUCK SHITTTT WOOP CHOO CHOO ALL ABOARD THE FUCK OFF EYEBROWS EXPRESS

TOOT TOOT MOTHERFUCKERS!@#

Dude...... Dude that's just gross

Election 2007: Time's Up, Cockbrain (also Tommy's Guide To Holding An Election Party)

Obviously by 'Cockbrain', I'm referring to John Howard, whose brain is actually made of tiny, floating cocks.

Now that's out of the way, let's talk Election Parties!@ Perhaps the coolest of all parties, second only to Grand Final Parties and Wakes. And I know everyone is as keen as mustard for November 24th, so here is

Tommy's Guide To Holding An Election Party

Step #1 - The Television

The first ingredient you need for an Election Party, keeping in mind I've never held or been to one (An election party I mean. I go to lots of parties. Mainly for children.), is a nice television. You can then choose from a few options.

The ABC has Kerry O'Brien, Antony Green and a set they've re-used since old episodes of The Sullivans, but give you the most comprehensive facts and figures without much BS.

Sky News is like ABC, except their sets are made from painted cardboard and their political reporter is twelve years old.

The grey hair isn't fooling anyone, Speers

Channel Nine is the old standby, with Ray Martin alongside a chick, and Laurie Oakes alongside a bucket of chicken.

And then there's the new entrant - Channel Seven, which has oh fuck it's kochie

have you read my god-damn fucking joke book

Let's move on.


Step #2 - The Food

This one is pretty simple. You want snacky food, and a light dinner. After all, elections go for a while. Once the Tasmania results are in, maybe bring out some Salsa, then move on to your meal-like snacks such as meat pies, chicken fingers and spring rolls.

If inviting a Liberal Party supporter, ensure a steady supply of babies for them to munch on during the proceedings.

An Asian baby isn't ideal, but will do in a bind

Step #3 - Alcohol

Doctors reccomend every hour of watching the ABC be supplemented by at least 8 standard size drinks.

Step #4 - Mid-Election Entertainment

I could and will watch election coverage all day, but not everyone is as pathetic awesome as me. So, you'll need something to do during the boring bits, like the vote tallies and shit. Prepare back-up entertainment, such as old tapes of Question Time, Mad Libs with the Australian Constitution or maybe Soggy Sao. One of them.

I know which one Alexander chooses



(the one where dudes cum onto a Sao)

Step #4 - The Results

Woops

Step #5 - The Results

This is where your party can fall apart. If the wrong side wins on the night, it could lead to anger and fisticuffs. Or even punching. So, ensure that lefties sit far enough away from righties so you can intervene, locking a Liberal Party supporter in a full nelson then swinging them so they kick the head of the Green Party supporter, then drop the Labor guy with a Stone Cold Stunner.

While they recuperate, remind them that they're all Australians and that whatever the result, she'll be right.

Oh, and be sure to lay down some plastic sheets on your carpet, just in case Kevin Rudd loses the election from here and Tommy blows his fucking brains out


Thank you for your time, and have a good party.

BACK SORRIEZ

No, the blog isn't dead. It's weird though. I become a productive, full-time tax-paying member of society, and then suddenly can't think of anything to blog about. I don't know if that says anything about people who have blogs.

Thanks for the comments encouraging me to return, too. I especially liked the one about how I beat off over the elderly. Without focusing too much on such filth, let's just say there's another reason they keep 91 year old women in storage cupboards at Royal North Shore.

(The first reason is because of the underfunding of hospitals. The second is because I rape elderly women.)

I think when the Election gets called I'll have more stuff to blog about. It's been a long time since some comedy gold came from that side, with strip clubs and John Howard falling over now but distant reminders of how blessed we were a few months ago. What do we have now? Cutting down trees in Tasmania, and according to the Daily Telegraph, Labor members giving free handies to the Bali Bombers on death row.

Not Penny Wong, though. She's a lesbian.

So, with politics more boring than usual, we turn to my other hobby - Jack Bauer. Kiefer Sutherland was arrested for driving under the influence (of awesome), and is being sentenced in December, threatening the production of Season 7 of 24: Tony Strikes Back. Now, there are two explanations for this:

1. Kiefer is planning on going undercover in an L.A prison in order to extract information from an informant.

2. The Los Angeles police department want me to kill myself, because I'll fuckin do it if Jack disappears halfway through Season 7 and they replace him with this guy:

Looks like the terrorist...... just got terrified.

*pause*

YEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!

Actually... No. No Tommy. Caruso would be much worse.


Anyway, that's what you've all waited a few weeks for. Sorry. I might put a teaser for my next blog, to force me to write one. Here goes:


Next on Tommy's Blog: Tommy's Guide To Holding Your Own Election Party

Later on Tommy's Blog: How Come Nobody Is Coming To My Election Party

Even Later on Tommy's Blog: What Am I Going To Do With All These Chips :(

The Game Changes - SGS enters the Election

It may be the only thing that can stop Rudd-mania running wild across the country, the only thing that the Man Of Steel John Howard is truly scared of. No, not Latham. It's another man. With three first names, and a dog called Nattie.

Yes, Samuel Gordon Stewart is running for parliament, in the Canberra electorate of Fraser. In the time it took for him to announce his candidacy on John Kerr's radio show ('The Boring Old Fuck Variety Hour'), the prospect of a Samuel Gordon Stewart Prime Ministership has risen by over 3000% percent. 3000%. It's science.

So what does this mean for the people of Fraser, and the people of Australia? Let's take a glimpse into the near future, under the stewardship of Prime Minister Gordon Stewart.


Here he is at APEC. If you're wondering why George Bush is there even though his term ends in 2008, that's just because Saddam killed all the Mandelas.






Here's his first interview on Lateline...




And finally, his first sex scandal...




And his second...






You know, Prime Minister Stewart might not be all that bad. We can call him 'PMS', and it would save the taxpayer because he lives in Canberra anyway. I don't know about his policy of federally mandated handjobs for John Laws, but it's no WorkChoices.

And hey, he'd be better than Costello.

Things I Noticed At My Job

So, I've been at my new job for about three weeks now. Everything's going well, especially the XBox 360 I bought with my winnings. Ain't nothing like killing some zombies with a chainsaw in a shopping mall after work, and playing on the XBox is fun too.

Because this is my first real job (Subway doesn't count, nor does my brief sojourn in Monaco where I taught at the Sojourn School Of Pooncy Words), I've been noticing a lot of things about work life. Let's go through them one by one, because doing them all at once would make any punctuation I include pretty worthless.

7 THINGS I LEARNT AT WORK :)
The Work Edition

1. Work is absolutely nothing like The Office. When you try and mess with the guy named Dwight, he reports you to the boss. And if you hit on the secretary, he tells you to piss off.

2. You'd think not being at home would mean you ate less and better. Wrong. People in offices use any excuse to eat cake. See #3.

3. A lot of people in offices are fat. One lady at my work is so fat she only sits on her swivel chair with one of her arse cheeks. The other cheek hangs over the edge like a beanbag, and provides shelter for a small family of migrants.

4. Being paid monthly is awesome, because I don't have a mortgage to pay off and it's like receiving a small inheritence every four weeks (I also hate my extended family).

5. Channel Nine are fucking retarded.

6. People actually download the show How I Met Your Mother. And they watch it. Voluntarily. These people are dangerous.

7. Having a job removes most motivation to update your blog frequently. Instead, you create 7 point list blogs, and use the final joke to talk about how dodgy they are. Also, you find less time to update your 2nd blog, where you pretend to be dyslexic and upload really depressing pictures of people feeding livestock.