Big Brother - More like MorMOAN lol

Whenever there's nothing else to blog about, I'm just going to talk about Big Brother. I hope that's cool. If not, feel free to look through the archives instead, for all the times I just bitched about John Howard when I had nothing else to blog about.

Rebecca is Big Brother's first Mormon. For those of you who don't know for sure, Mormons are a sub-sect of Christianity, who don't drink, smoke or practice rational thought. The main difference between them and your vanilla Christian is that the Mormons made up their religion about 180 years ago. This is in direct opposition to regular Christianity, which was made up about 2000 years ago.

thou shalt not steal jokes

Rebecca is also the subject of attention in the house for her teetota...lating belief, at least according to News.com.au..

THE parents of Big Brother 's Mormon contestant, Rebecca Dent, are upset their daughter is under siege from fellow housemates over her decision not to join in their party antics.

Rebecca's mother, Rosemary Dent, has spoken exclusively to The Sunday Mail about her concerns for her daughter, who is finding it hard to bond with housemates.

"She should not be criticised for her belief," Mrs Dent said of Rebecca, 23.

"The housemates are giving her a hard time because she is not participating in their drinking games.They have said some hurtful things. They are really focusing on her religion. People need to accept her as she is."

I watch Big Brother quite often, and.... no. People have questioned why Rebecca doesn't want a Vodka Cruiser, and they've asked her if she's ever been tempted to leave the flock and they've even *:O* talked about naughty things in front of her, but nothing hurtful.

Hurtful would be like 'Hey, Rebecca, do you want a glass of wine, or are you a fucking retard for believing Jesus lived in America?', or 'Hey Bec, do you want a Vodka Cruiser and while I've got you here how come you think Native Americans are the direct descendents of a tribe of evil brown Lamanite Jews?'

chief penny pincher, of the levenwitz tribe

There's no point bagging out Rebecca for her mum being protective, but the whole thing is pretty stupid. It's not like its the Spanish Inquisition in the Big Brother house, it's just people wondering what makes the weird chick that doesn't drink and acts like a 45-year old woman tick.


And if you don't watch Big Brother, here's a midget getting dropkicked.

Not making any point really, I just find Watermelon funny

Hai. Hope you all had a good Anzac Day. I spent the day moving shit for a garage sale on Sunday, and because I felt it was a little un-Anzac, I decided to make up for it. So, I dug a trench in my front yard and shot my Turkish neighbours. Azim was soooo angry.

Speaking of......... Australians, today was the Australian Labor Party's National Conference (see what I did there?). The soundbite for the day was K-Rudd Vampire Butters' introduction, when he went 'My name is Kevin, I'm from Queensland, and I'm here to help'. However, from the look of his face in this pic, I think his name should be something else.

Orrr my name is Chong, and I am here to fix your computer

Anyway, here's a bigger version, where admittedly, he looks less Asian.



And because I can't help myself...





Champagne political satire, Tommy.

Lest We Forget

Big props to all the diggers of wars past and present, and also to World War 2 Prime Minister John Curtin who, according to the ABC tele-movie I saw on Sunday, did quite a bit also. Nice one, John.

Big Brother 2007 - Meet The Bogans

After the 'I got lots of hits' success of last year's blogs about Big Brother, here's the 2007 version. The show launched last night, and I was pretty underwhelmed. The secret relationships sound interesting, but eh. I want psychological torture, and fake Krystal tits. That's all.

In today's blog, we meet the Housemates.



Aleisha

- A bubbly and lively hairdresser, one of eight children
- Claims to have never read a book cover to cover
- Can suck a golf ball through a garden hose





Thomas

- A real estate agent and former pro basketballer
- Saved two children from drowning during a holiday in Bali
- Thinks he can get away with a popped collar just because he's a fuckin' hero




Hayley

- A former body-sculptor turned lawyer, who loves to gossip
- Won Miss Natural Olympia, Miss Natural Figure and Miss Open Figure
- Also won Miss Natural Forehead, amid rumours of implants




Jamie

- A self-proclaimed nerd, who finds dates in chat rooms
- Grew up in an orphanage until he was 6
- Has absolutely no chance of sleeping with anybody in the house
- Except maybe Gretel.



Rebecca

- An events manager, and a Life Be In It coach
- Has never drunk alcohol or worn a bikini.
- Holy shit she's a Mormon
- Oh my god that's so awesome
- Kinda hot


Shane Warne

- Legendary Australian spin bowler
- A true ladies man
- Has self-zincing lips
- *obligatory joke about not being able to send SMS in the house*



Bodie

- An electrical designer from WA.
- Also claims to be an underwear model and gym junkie, whose greatest fear is getting a double chin.
- Has no upper lip




TJ

- Works as a barmaid in Darwin
- Claims to have thought that Prince Charles was Diana's brother until a year ago
- Was also born in Darwin, which is why her name is only two letters
- Most likely a dyke



Joel

- A restaurant manager, elite athlete, neat freak and Young Liberal
- His friends describe him as the funniest person they know
- Chooses friends who don't recognise the irony of a Young Liberal being 'the funniest person they know'
- Most likely a dyke


Emma

- A personal trainer, and the eldest of seven children
- Nose






Cruz

- Born in PNG, a practicing Christian that runs his own clothing label
- Not a housemate yet, one of a choice of 3 guys to be voted in the house, who I only included because...
- Cruz believes men are superior to women because Jesus was a man.
- Wicked. And he's black.


Andrew/WWE World Champion John Cena

- A firefighter and self-described 'softy'
- The thing Andrew will miss most in the house is his puppy.
- This dude is totally going to win
- Defeated Shawn Michaels at Wrestlemania 23



Kate

- A lawyer and former champion debator.
- Was accepted into Oxford, but couldn't fit through the doors
- Is actually Jay Leno.







Awesome. And only three of them have STDs.

The Virginia Tech Shooting Blogstravaganza - Part 2 - 'Cho: The Softer Side'

Oh Cho. Even when you dress up like a tough guy, you still look like a MySpace emo.



Ok, that mightn't be the original picture ('faggot' was misspelt in the original), but you get the idea. This dude was straight-up weird. He dresses up as Tomb Raider, and doesn't even include the giant tits. And apparently, Cho's 'Hammer-Time' pose is straight from a South Korean movie called 'Oldboy' in English, or 'I Can't Read Gook' in Korean.



But those pictures, the... manifesto of the madman, the portfolio of the psychotic, the.... gallery of the......gaybo aren't the real Cho. The real Cho isn't a bloodthirsty killer, he's an artist. He's a visionary.


He's a playwright.


I give you Cho's screenplay, 'Richard McBeef'. Richard McBeef tells a coming-of-age story about a boy named John, his mother, and his step-dad, the unfortunately named Richard McBeef. Basically, the gimmick is that John hates Richard, calls him all sorts of shit, then Richard snaps and everything goes to hell.

Cho style.

Along with some of Cho's other writings, McBeef's graphic violence saw his teachers recommend Cho for psychological evaluation. Also, this dialogue probably had something to do with it.

JOHN
You ain't my dad and you know it, you Dick.

RICHARD
Come on John. Sit down. We need to have a man-to-man talk.

JOHN
Man-to-man up your ass, bud!

'To be or not to be', 'If you prick me, do I not bleed?' and now... 'Man-to man up your ass, bud!'.

Of course, that's not the best stuff in McBeef. Take the high-drama action scenes, for example.



Richard McBeef, while a useful insight into the violent, disturbed mind of a killer, pales in comparison to Cho's second opus - Mr. Brownstone. Mr. Brownstone is set in a Casino, and...well, is basically just a bunch of kids bitching about their teacher and how they want to murder him.

The first thing that strikes you about Mr. Brownstone is the unique character names.



Seriously, considering your name is Chode Feng Shui, we're going to expect better names for your sicko screenplay fantasies than 'Joe'.

More importantly, did Cho proof-read any of this? Maybe that was his problem. He didn't proofread. A quick second-look at a paragraph like, oh, I dunno, this one about taking a massive shit, and maybe Cho might have realised he was fucked up before he went all Counter-Strike on a college campus.


Rrrrrigghht.


Here's an idea Cho, if you're reading this in some parallel past universe - spare us all the trouble and get yourself a fucking blog.

The Virginia Tech Shooting Blogstravaganza - Part 1

Disclaimer: What happened at the school was a tragedy, which is why the following blogstravaganza will contain no jokes about the victims, the poor girl who was unlucky enough to date a complete fucking psycho, or anything like that. Tommy and Matt do however, reserve the right to insult the shooter, anything he's done or was ever going to do, his entire race, country and anything he's ever believed in.




That is the shooter, twenty-three year old Cho Seung-Hui, pronounced 'Far-King-Ug-Lee'. How round is his head? There are absolutely no corners on that sucker. It's like he's been sanded to make him child safe. He is a native of South Korea, thereby ruining the whole 'we're the good Korea' thing they had going for half a century or so.

sorry guys, but now the smoke monster has to eat you

Details of the nature of the shootings and the exact sequence of events are unclear, even now. However, several eyewitness reports have been coming in from the terrified students who were present during Cho's rampage.

The shooter was "wearing a vest covered in clips was just unloading on their door, going from classroom to classroom … they said it never seemed like it was going to stop and there was just blood all over," Harrison said.

Having these witnesses come forward has proved invaluable to the investigators of the tragedy. If it had been left up to infamous TommyIsCool blogger Matt, I don't think the picture of events would have been nearly as encompassing.

The shooter had "slanty eyes, yellow skin, a triangular hat made out of that woven wood-type stuff, a big stick across his shoulders with two buckets of rice, was in a little midget submarine and was yelling out 'I'm so ronery!'" said Sampson.

Immediately after the shootings, the tragic massacre became politicised. Gun control advocates blamed guns, while the vast American gun lobby blamed Muslims and gays. Some have even gone so far as to say that if more students had been armed that day, lives could have been saved. To which we say...

Ever heard of crossfire, you dumb shits?

Predictably, President Bush has placed himself on the side of the gun lobby, stating that the 2nd amendment to the Constitution, the 'right to bear arms', will not be infringed. Because it's not like America's gun culture is in any way to blame for such a tragedy.

what do you mean 'who is other', i dont know what you're talking about

Speaking of armed students, the flurry of media attention and rapid Googling resulted in a case of mistaken identity. For a few hours, people across the interweb were convinced that this was the LiveJournal of the killer. In their defense, it was pretty hard to tell the difference. He went to Virginia Tech, he had a girlfriend, shitloads of guns and all Asians look the same.

worst. timing. ever.

Sadly for this poor guy, he had to take it upon himself to clear his name, after people left death threats on his phone. Now, we get that this event has obviously made people emotional, but how fucking retarded do you have to be to leave a death threat on the phone of a guy who shot himself?

Unfortunately, as we all know, massacres like this are bound to happen. It appears to just be human nature (as in, instinct, not the shitty band). That's why we used the tried and true (although gimmicky) TommyIsCool Time Machine to go forward 7 years in time and investigate the future of massacres like these. Caution, the following image may disturb some viewers.

SongMeanings.net - Where deaf retards come to post comments

Anyone ever been to SongMeanings.net? It's straight up balla. Like the name suggests, you type in a song, and you get a few dozen fourteen year-old tools telling you why it reminds them of the time their parents divorced.

a screenshot of the site. disregard the porn in the other tab.

Now, obviously it's hard to find gold when you're looking at decent songs. Fans of bands like U2, or Powderfinger aren't going to write shit meanings. You've got to look for the special bands. the Limp Bizkits, the Evanescences, the Green Days, the System of a Downs, the Nelly....s.

Here's what I'm talking about, this meaning from Evanescence's 'My Immortal'...

I cant stop playing this song loud loud loud and with candles and totally losing myself in it. Its relevance to my life is taking my breath away, making me sad and relieving me at the same time. if you've ever loved a narcissist, you will relate to this song. Im addicted to the beauty, the pain of the song. Its so delicate, it makes me weep and introspective.

Yeah, that song totally relieves me too. It also makes me write comments on SongMeanings.net where I change the tense three times in every sentence. And while we're on the soppy songs that make you want to relieve yourself, here's Coldplay's 'Yellow'.

The first time I understood what this song said, I thought it was about his child. Then I thought about my children. The "skin and bones" part reminds me of how children 4 or under are really skinny with round bellies. What really drove it home was the fact that all three of my children had Jaundice when they were a few days old (fairly common) and they looked yellow for about a week after birth.

You know, maybe the song is about his kid. But I'm pretty sure Chris Martin didn't sit down and bang out a best-selling single about jaundice. Unless all of Coldplay's songs are about skin disease, in which case I guess Bittersweet Symphony is about Seborrhoeic dermatitis.

You know the one that takes you to the places where all the veins meet, yeah?

Here's another 'Yellow' meaning, which really just speaks for itself.

Well the name yellow goes along with the lights to me when lights and stars shine they are yellow he is saying that his love makes him shine so its yellow. He explains how he would do anything because his lover is shining too thats why he says every thing about the love is yellow. He would do anything to see her shine

I mentioned U2 earlier, so I thought I'd check out one of their most straightforward songs - 'With Or Without You'. Apparently, the meaning is so ambiguous that it requires 155 comments. And you know how I said U2 fans weren't going to write shit comments?

I first heard this song on an episode of Friends. Completely blew me away, for months I tried to track down the name of it.

...

Because the TWELVE TIMES THAT BONO SAYS 'WITH OR WITHOUT YOU' ISN'T A CLUE ABOUT THE TITLE OF THE FREAKING SONG.

but bono, before we discuss third world debt relief, what's the name of that 'with or without you' song?

Aside from being the theme song to one of the best motion pictures of the 20th century, Seal's 'Kiss From A Rose' is also loved by pussies.

This song really relates to me, I loved this girl so much, I see her in my dreams, Im always thinking about her. Im still thinking about her. Well I told her how I felt about her, and right know im feeling nothing but torns.
This song is really helping me out on my tuff times right now. Im still trying to get over her, but the love I feel for her is still there and doesnt want to go away. Sad thing is that she will probally go out with some smuck that doesnt respect her and just uses her and have NO true feelings!
That what really hits me! Why this girl doesnt realize that I love her. I told her straight up! A mystery unsolved, well atleast its better than not telling her i love her. Because i would of always wondered IF she did liked me... Well I know the truth

Good lord, it's a MySpace poem. I'm feeling nothing but torns for you baby.

holy emo batman, i cant believe our movie theme song was so lame and girly
it truly is diabolical robin... wait...how come your suit has nipples?

'Jeremy' by Pearl Jam is about an abused kid who kills himself in class, a subtle point obviously missed by this commenter.

my brother told me what he says in the chorus, and this song is now officially my favorite song lyrically. I'd like to think of it as a kid going crazy and shooting all the popular kids and kids that abused him at his school. DIE ALL YOU MOTHERFUCKERS WHO'S LAUGHING NOW? YEAH TAKE A FUCKING BULLET IN YOUR MOTHERFUCKING HEAD!!! ok ill stop now

Yes, you motherfuckers. Who is laughing now?

I also like this comment, because it is funny.

Pearl Jam rocks ~ by the way...what is tea bagging?

Nelly has a song called 'Dilemma'. Apparently it did more than make him lots of money. It lifted an entire country.

"Dilemma" cheered up America because honestly, 2002 was a depressing year. America was reeling in from 9/11, a recession made people lose their jobs.

God bless you, Nelly.

an american hero.... and seriously dude the cut on your face has healed by now

And finally, 'Don't Cha' by the Pussycat Dolls.

THIS SONG MAKES ME WANT TO KILL EVERYONE seriously some peoples parents are divorced and this song just encourages it this is a pile of shit wankers. and the people who sing it masturbate with mouldy bananas eww think about the meaning it is horrible. i . want. them. to. die. NOW.

This is the best site ever.