And now, a TommyIsCoolDotCom stolen joke:


So, you know how some last names originate back to what sort of job your ancestors did? Like Baker, or Butcher, or Smith?

Well, what's the deal with Dickinson?

Tony Blair said 'Bloody'!!

The British Prime Minister, Tony Blair, said 'Bloody'!!

The leader of the British Labour Party, one Mister Tony Blair, said 'Bloody'!

Der Britisches Premierministers, Tony Blair, besagtes 'Bloody'!

Le Premier Ministre Britannique, Tony Blair, ehhh, how you say ehh... Bloody?

And then I ate the whole Watermelon like this and it was really nice and yummy

HOW COME THE PRIME MINISTER OF A COUNTRY WHO BANNED THE AD IN THE FIRST PLACE CAN SAY BLOODY, YET OUR OWN BLOODY PRIME MINISTER CAN'T BRING HIMSELF TO DO IT?!@#w

BET YOU WISH YOU DIDN'T VOTE FOR THE SLACK JAWED LITTLE PRICK NOW, DON'T YOU

BECAUSE YOU KNOW LATHAM WOULD HAVE DROPPED THE B-BOMB AND A WHOLE LOT MORE THE OTHER DAY

THEN HE WOULD HAVE GRABBED CHERIE BLAIR'S ARSE, AND SAID, HEY, THAT'S A BLOODY GOOD ARSE YOU'VE GOT THERE, BUT MY WIFE JANINE HAS BETTER KNOCKERS


AND IT WOULD BE TRUE


There's only one way to solve this. Writing in caps on my blog just won't cut it anymore.



Somebody get me the Governor General.

So, Tony Blair addressed Parliament today, and I'm a mark for his voice so I thought I'd chuck on Sky News. As is the custom, before Blair addressed the colony, he was introduced by both the Prime Minister and the Leader of the No-Porno-sition. Basically, the two compete to see who can compliment Blair the most, without sounding like an arselicker.

Anyway, Howard is verbally fellating the UK PM TB, and drops in a quote from some Arch Bishop friend of Tony who said 'The thing you need to understand about Tony Blair is that he's Australian'. After the quote, Howard defies the laws of comedy and MAKES A JOKE, saying 'In light of that Mr. Prime Minister - where the hell have you been?', a lovely tip of the hat to the current Australian tourism ad.



The only problem, the SNIVELLY NOSED LITTLE TURD DIDN'T SAY 'BLOODY'!

The ad goes 'Where the bloody hell are you?'. What kind of a message does Howard's omission send to our children, to our children's children, to our children's children's adopted child who they don't like as much as their real ones? 'Bloody' is not a swear word. You can say it in Parliament ('Conga line of suckholes' is also acceptable). 'Bloody' is said by Australians from all walks of life, every single day. It is perhaps the most important word in the Australian vernacular. 'Bluddy hell' is what Australians say when they drop something on their toe, or when they see something amazing, or when John Howard gets re-elected. Bloody is... it's....

It's beautiful.

And if Howard doesn't feel comfortable dropping the b-bomb, then I am going to pull out the big guns and call him something horrible, the very worst curse in Australian English.

You, Mr Howard are UN-AUSTRALIAN




Oh yeah Vince McMahon, I said it


Take that Howard

American Vice-President Dick Cheney is in the news again for the wrong reasons. A copy of Cheney's 'rider', the list of requirements for the Veep's hotel stays while travelling was leaked to TheSmokingGun.com. Apparently Cheney likes Diet soft drink and bottled water. The pussy.

Anyway, this grabbed my interest, so I called a few friends I made in the Seventh Layer of Hel-, The Liberal Party and managed to grab a copy of Prime Minister John Howard's downtime requirements. Excuse the dodgy quality, but it's been photocopied a few times. It was also touched by the Dark Lord himself, placing an eternal curse of misery on the paper. Anyway, I scanned it and chucked it on the net. You might have to click on it to get it to a readable size.

You know, after the Fall of The Latham, nothing any political leader has said since has really fired me up. Sure, when John Howard claims not to know anything about anything much at all so he doesn't get done for lying, I get a little miffed. When Tony Abbott starts sounding more like The Pope (not the dead Pope, he can't speak because he is in hell for being a Catholic) and less like the Health Minister, my eyebrows twitch. And when Peter Costello proves he had a vagina surgically implanted everytime he 'refuses to rule out' a challenge to Howard, I get a little confused. But nobody has really said anything that's perked my interest.

Until this:

Beazley announces plan to block Internet porn

The Federal Opposition has outlined a plan to block Internet pornography reaching home computers.

Opposition Leader Kim Beazley says a Labor government would introduce laws requiring Internet service providers to offer a "clean feed" without pornographic and violent sites.

From ABC News

YOU FAT SON OF A BITCH

As a good and proper journalist, I should declare my vested interest in this matter, having published erotic digital photographs of Lou from Neighbours without his consent for the last three years. But come on Kimbo. Aside from the fact your idea is technologically impossible, it restricts basic freedoms for the sake of a few votes from the conservative, religious wanks who'll probably now just preference you #4 instead of #5, behind Family First, The Liberals, the Christian Democrats and the Bomb The Towelheads party.

I'm the Juggernaut bitch

It's not the Government's job to act as a parent for those people too useless to do the job themselves. If your kid is looking up porn, buy a filter. If he gets around the filter, he's obviously intelligent so buy him some KY and enrol him in an IT course. Forcing people to call up their internet provider and say 'Hey, I'd like to get the porno version of the internet, I'm really into midgets' just so poor little Jimmy doesn't see boobies before he hits 14 is ridiculous.

If we're going to legislate parenting, why don't we make McDonalds illegal so we don't produce another generation of fat little pricks who go on to become leaders of the ALP and release stupid policy that costs us our porn?

But, plugs

I don't normally plug other blogs on my site because I like to maintain the idea that my blog is the only blog in the world and it's so pretty and purdy you just want to print it out, stick it onto a storefront mannequin and boof the living shit out of it, but I am going to make an exception for 'Needs To Be Glassed'

It's awesome, though I'd advise my Christian readers to ignore the 2nd link down on the right-hand side toolbar

There are laws against defamation and slander in Australia, and I have no idea if what I say on my blog can get me sued. As I like my bank account how it is, I'm going to walk on the safe side. Keeping that in mind, I present to you today's blog:

JANA PITTMAN IS NOT A STUPID BITCH

I really don't like athletics. I mean, I cheered for Cathy Freeman and bitched quietly to my friends about an Abo lighting the Olympic torch like every Australian, but I've never really cared. Just like Matt Shirvington's massive package, I could never quite get my head around the idea that these runners, jumpers and walkers were something to be paraded around as modern-day gods (especially because most of them are juiced up on more steroids than Triple H).

And then Jana Pittman went psycho.

Uh oh I poopy my pants

Jana milking her injury for all the publicity she could get during the Olympics, only to let down the nation by coming 5th. Jana firing up at the much, much, much hotter Tamsyn Lewis after Tamsyn said she calls Jana a 'bitch' in her head on the starting blocks. Jana getting engaged twice before the age of 25. Jana attacking the media for attacking her because she's not a dopey whore. She was the anti-Cathy. The golden girl turned bad. The baddy of athletics. The dumb intelligent ugly attractive slut slut.

And to make things better, she lived near me! So I was access to all sorts of nasty rumours about her, like how she went over to one of my friend's houses when she was about twelve and said she wanted 'blonde pubes like her Mum'. Yes, that's a fucking exclusive. You heard it here first. Jana Pittman's mum has blonde pubes.

So Jana, the whole country might think you're not an overrated tool who needs to shut her steel-filled mouth before she gets deported, but at least you're entertaining. Good luck in whatever event you compete in, you dumb bitch.



Shit.