Hey, Spider-Man, let's have a chat

What were you thinking, Spider-Man?

tobey maguire is not this tan

You start off your film career with Spider-Man 1, a good movie. The Green Goblin is a little too 'bad guy from Power Rangers', but everything clicks. You even let us see Mary-Jane's nipples.

And then you follow that up with Spider-Man 2, a fantastic movie. Doctor Octopus is so well-done, it ends on a nice cliffhanger and the stuff with you and Mary-Jane is great. No MJ nippleage, but I guess that's to be expected.

And then.... you give us Spider-Man 3, and my whole world falls apart. I mean, Harry Osbourne as the Hobgoblin, built up for two movies, wicked. Ned from Ned and Stacy as The Sandman, awesome. And Forman from That 70's Show as Venom? Brilliant. If you had Balky from Perfect Strangers playing The Vulture, the villain line-up would have been off the charts.




But then, you ruin it. Hobgoblin gets like ten minutes. The Sandman turns into Sand King Kong. Venom gets about five minutes. You introduce Gwen Stacy, but no nipples?

And the villain's back-stories. Spidey. Come on now. Look at Batman. Batman villains are good because they're just evil psychos. You don't feel sympathy for The Joker, you don't want him to turn good, you just like it when he pulls out that really long handgun and shoots the Batwing. And then Batman kills him, and all is good.

But Spidey, you just don't know how to make a bad guy. They have to have sick daughters or be in freak octopus-arm-melding-accidents, or have their fathers killed, and then right at the end of the movie they get their redemption. You know what Batman does to redeem his bad guys at the end of movies?


Drops them off a fuckin' building.


And let's see Spidey, an alien symbiote falls from the sky, attaches itself to your body and you turn into this?




You think this is funny? You think we're entertained? No. We're weirded out. We laughed at you in the cinema, but not a 'lol parker you so crazy', a 'lol i wish we'd seen this movie on a tuesday night so our ticket was $3 cheaper'.


Make better movies, Spider-Man. And get rid of the hyphon in your name. You're not fooling anybody.

The Fall Of Howard: The Celebrity Edition

While I'm a dyed-in-the-wool Anybody But John Howard As Long As It's Not Beazley supporter, and therefore know which way I'm voting come election time, I understand some of you may be swinging voters.

Maybe you weren't convinced by my 'John Howard speaks funny' brand of political satire, or maybe you're having doubts about Vampire Butters K-Rudd now he actually has to say things.

So, rather than some shonky analysis of policy and issues, let's cut straight to the important stuff.

Looks.

Particularly, which politician looks like which celebrity. I'll let the Face Recognition site at MyHeritage.com sort this one out. And let me tell you, this thing is wicked. I put two photos in of myself, and got Justin Timberlake twice, which has to be right because I used to be in N*Sync.

First, Howard.




So, John Howard looks.... 80% like John Howard. Fair enough. I've always thought those two looked similar. Who else... Someone named Vanessa Marcil, who stars in Las Vegas, Neil fucking Diamond, Travolta, Downey, Clooney, Brosnan and RE-GIS! It's unBELIEV-ABLE!!

(that's tommy's text regis philbin impression)

I gotta say, Howard is looking pretty good at the moment. Not only does he look like James Bond, but also Iron Man, Batman and the guy from Phenomenon. I'd love for George Clooney to put his picture in, see that he looks like John Howard and kill himself. I'd really love that.

And now, Rudd. If he doesn't get Butters from South Park and Leslie Nielson from Dracula, Dead and Loving It, I'm going to be pissed.



Yep, I'm pissed.

He gets Robbie Coltrane and Jean Reno, so if you like bad guys in action movies set in Europe, you should probably vote for Rudd.

Javier Solana is a former NATO Secretary General and a leader at the EU, and also looks like the bad guy from Alias. Rudd also looks like Mohamed El Baradei, the Director General of the International Atomic Energy Agen- for fucks sake even his look-a-likes are boring.

Wait...

That black guy....


HOLY SHIT


THAT'S SAMUEL L JACKSON!@#


GET THOSE MOTHERFUCKIN JOHN HOWARDS OFF MY MOTHER FUCKING PARLIAMENT!@


YESSS!! RUDD WINS!! RUDD WINS!!


I am now officially jumping on the Rudd/Samuel L. Jackson bandwagon. With Rudd's sound policy mind, and Jackson's lightsaber skills, they will be completely unstoppable. Bring on the election.

I hate Medium

What the fuck is with her fringe

People who annoy you......

This is awesome, and at least it's not the fucking Budget:

CHANNEL 7 television personality Grant Denyer has been forced to apologise for a crude comment he made on a breakfast radio program.

Denyer was a guest on Nova's Merrick and Rosso program when he made the comment. The former Sunrise weather presenter was discussing how he felt after partying hard following the Logies presentations on Sunday night.

"Let me say I'm feeling like I had sex with a black man right now," Denyer said.

lololol

I'm going to defend Grant here. He's not being racist. He's being complimentary. Black guys have large schlongs, and from the look of him in this picture, I'm going to guess he's a kind of expert in that department. Also in whatever department it is that specialises in giant foreheads and mouths that are too close to the nose.

Totally not gay

Of course, those politically-correct bastards immediately jumped on his back, even though he'd clearly stated that he was already sore from that.

First, the gays. Anti-homophobia activist Simon Biber said...

“It’s homophobic but the racial slur is more serious, appealing as it does to a stereotype. It’s harmful, but unfortunately it’s not uncommon.”

Not uncommon, ay? Ay. Ay. Ay ay.

Then, the other gays.

Spokesman for the Gay and Lesbian Rights Lobby, Ghassan 'I'm only gay because my parents named me Ghassan' Kassieh, said...

“This is a totally unacceptable comment, and should never have been made on air,”

And then, the token black guy, Aboriginal leader Mick Mundine said he was upset by Denyer's comment.

"I'm upset by Denyer's comment,"

Now, I don't want to sound harsh, but I'm pretty sure the 'black guys hung like Matt Shirvington's horse' thing doesn't include Aboriginals. I've seen enough episodes of The Bush Mechanic and spied in enough South Sydney Rabbitohs dressing sheds to know that one isn't quite right.

Poor Grant. He should stick to comedy from the pages of Kochie's Best Jokes.

Tommy's Logies Wrap-Up

During Sunday Night's Logie Awards telecast, Tommy took some time off from watching the fat chick get voted off Big Brother to record his thoughts.

Events occur in real time.

IT'S A LOGIE LOGO!@# LOLGIE!!

Adam Hills is just Wil Anderson minus the drugs. In fact, he's so much like Wil Anderson I'm surprised he doesn't spell his name 'Ada'. 30% of you got that.

Izzy from Neighbours said, and I quote, 'You know, watching the nominees for this category, I found it surprising that the Light-Entertainment category had so many heavyweights'. And she didn't shoot herself afterwards.

Rove just won for Most Popular Light-Entertainment. All the people who watch his show must have voted twice or something. Yeah, that must be how he got the 2000 votes required to win.

Maybelline New York must have paid a lot of cash, even the guy from the ABC is plugging it. It's only a matter of time before Kerry O'Brien starts doing ads for erectile disfunction.

Dave Hughes is funny, but he has a chip in his front tooth you could drive Bert Newton's head through and oh fuck Bindi Irwin just came out.

SHE'S READING OFF CARDS

oh god she's so fake

SHE'S DOING THAT THING WHERE YOU RUN YOUR FINGER ALONE THE BOTTOM OF THE LINE

And she has her own TV show. Not even Glen Robbins can save this. Or can he?


Nope.


Hey, this blog needs a picture, and I'd put one of Bindi Irwin but her eyes scare me. So here's Nicky Whelan from Neighbours.




Hey, the Umbilicle Brothers have a kids show. Wicked. They won for Most Outstanding Kids show, and... they're not very funny when they're not doing sound effects. It's like two white Michael Winslows. Ooo, their producer has a freaky red mark on his head, Gorbachev style. Yet no close-up.

Avril Lavigne is performing. I might take a break.

Ok, turns out that break was a little longer than I expected. I come back, and we're already on to the dead people montage. All the obvious ones - Belinda Emmett, Billy Thorpe, Steve Irwin, Ian Thorpe's career, Richard Carleton. Nice montage, but a little harsh if you're Rove watching that. Poor guy. Let's give him a Gold Logie because his wife died.

Damn, I was hoping we went from the dead montage to a really inappropriate ad, but they did a nice, respectful ad for RPA and that Safari kid with the mongy lip.

And who gets to follow the dead montage? Ah. The token American. Michael whatshisface from NCIS. Remember when they had actual stars at The Logies? Like Muhammed Ali? John Wayne? Joey from Friends? Andrew Daddo? Now who do we get? The second fiddle from NCIS. What, they couldn't afford Mark Harmon's asking price?




Hey, Love My Way won for Most Outstanding Drama. All the people that watch that show must have voted twice or someth- already done that one? How about 'It's pretentious shit'? Cool.

They should cut to the Neighbour's girls table more often.

Oh shit, it's Tracy Grimshaw. I'm taking another break.

Apparently Andy of Hamish and Andy is banging Megan Gale. I wonder who Hamish bangs?

Hmmm.....




(That's Andy)

(You should really watch more TV)


Just hurry up and give out the gold Logie to Rove already. This blog is too long. I'm not going to type any more until the Gold Logie unless something hilarious happens.

James Morrison looks like Chris Martin if he was a rat.



I mean, of course, the British singer, not the actor who plays Bill Buchanan on 24. He could kick the shit out of this James Morrison. And then he'd brief the President about it at the start of the episode because thats the only way you can understand 24's plots.



...... Oh god it's still going.


Screw this, the Logies are too long. I'm just going to assume Rove's pulled a Ray Martin and won another fucking Gold Logie. Congratulations Rove. Sally from Home and Away

The Fall Of Howard: The Man Of Steel, The Conviction Politician, The Great Leader, The......... Oh? Really? Oh.

After selling Work Choices as the only solution to the nation's productivity crisis, as the logical next step in Australia's economic reform, as the single most important thing ever in the history of the world................. a backflip.

i love this picture (howard is on the right)

Here's John Howard, the conviction politician, the Ironman of politics, the guy who would absolutely never play politics with important matters such as IR, in 2005.

"There is an elected government and we have put forward a program of changes, it's not radical, it's not extreme. It's not what is being represented by the ACTU."

Mr Howard said the ACTU could talk to him, but the principles of the changes were set in stone and the government would not budge on any of the "essentials".

And, today...

Howard will today acknowledge public concern over his industrial relations laws by introducing a "battlers' clause" designed to prevent people on low to middle incomes from being stripped of work conditions for nothing in return.

In the first significant change to the controversial laws, workers on up to $75,000 will not be allowed to be stripped of protected award conditions such as penalty rates or overtime without receiving anything in return.

I love when John Howard debates himself. But that's not even the best bit. This is from Paul Kelly, the editor-at-large of The Australian newspaper, perhaps the most pro-Howard of any paper in Australia, except all the other ones.

The notion that if Howard amended the laws the intensity of the Labor Party/trade union campaign would dissolve is absurd. Indeed, for Howard to retreat would be a sign of weakness and lack of nerve.

The abandonment by Howard after 33 years in Parliament of one of his longest standing and most intense beliefs - the need to wind back union power and de-regulate the labour market to position Australia for the globalised age - would spell the real demise of the Howard era.

See, it's not just my wicked 'Fall Of Howard' blog titles saying it anymore. The dude is on the nose, and here's my theory - there'll be more backflips. This is just the start. Soon Howard will be hugging Muslims, letting gays marry and donating to Barack Obama's campaign fund. And then he'll change his mind, but just when you think he's back to normal, BAM! Divorces Janette, marries an Abo. Brilliant.


Here's my post summarised in one picture.

Hassling The Heff

Bill Heffernan is a Liberal Senator for NSW, and one of J-Ho's oldest buddies in Parliament. He's also known for doing some pretty outrageous stuff, like calling Justice Michael Kirby a pedo under the cover of parliamentary privilege, or handing out Green Party How-To-Vote cards at the most recent NSW State Election and yelling about how they wanted to give drugs to your kids.

Basically, he's awesome. He's like a nice glass of Mark Latham, aged to perfection. And today, he got in trouble for some more stuff.

yeah, i just shat myself, what are you gunna do about it

First, he said that Priests should be allowed to marry because "Priests, like the rest of us, wake up with a horn at four in the morning."

Considering Heffer is 64, I'm impressed. I also feel sorry for his wife. Speaking of chicks, Heffer's next target wasn't Holy Morning Glories, but a woman whose body could turn a Catholic Priest straight - Julia Gillard.

Heffer said that Julia would never be fit to become Prime Minister because she's "deliberately barren". This leads to a thought more disturbing than a Priest's boner - just exactly how fertile do you have to be to become Prime Minister?






ew.