All stories of lawyers and ninjas aside, It's time for the Miss America pageant again. Why, I remember being a little girl and getting excited to see the pageant, imagining what it must be like to be a beautiful grown up woman that is admired by millions of people, and later watching it with my sorority sisters and we would pick favorites and make bets and have pillow fights in lingerie.

You can now see the 'favourites' for the Miss America pageant at http://www.missamerica.org/, but let me tell you, the old grey mare? She sure as shit ain't what she used to be. I'm wondering if my memories of the beautiful ladies are totally skewed by innocence and an unprejudiced child-like view of things, or if the women have just gotten so much damn uglier it hurts just to look at them.

So, they aren't all hideous. A few of them might even be considered hot. Maybe. Most of them MIGHT get a free drink if they showed up to a bar on a slow night, but on average they are, well, average.

Gentlemen, meet your contestants...


Miss Alaska - Now, to be quite frank, this woman scares the everloving shit out of me. She's the type that you'd be out with.. she'd whisper to you, 'Come closer... come closer... come closer, darling... I'M GONNA BITE YOUR FACE OFF!!'


Miss Arizona - Wow, it's like what Reese Witherspoon would look like if she, you know, wasn't Reese Witherspoon and had been run over by a truck when she was a child. I hope I am not the only one who after seeing this picture, suddenly started singing, "Who let the dogs outttt?"


Miss Arkansas - Miss Arkansas is clearly the type of woman who thinks that being perky and super-keen can get you through even the worst of situations, and has massive pictures of Condaleeza Rice on her walls so she can pray to them nightly.


Miss California -
'But, honey, I asked you to wake me up after three hours so I could turn the tanning bed off.'
'Now, Frank, I'm sorry, but hurry up, you're going to be late for your Miss America photo shoot.'


Miss District of Columbia - Okay, this is our first semi-rest stop in the endless parade of uggos. If you never go above the neck, things aren't looking too terrible here. God bless the District, it's obvious why Tom Cruise decided to set up Pre-Crime there instead of somewhere crap, like...


Miss Delaware - DELAWARE! That's right, this horrific piece of meat constantly doing the Monster Mash was actually selected as the most excellent example of womanhood to come out of her state this year. They've got to be shipping a heap of radioactive waste through Delaware, or pissing in the water supply or something, because there's some truly terrible shit going down in that gene pool.


Miss New Hampshire - Miss New Hampshire, whose 'Special Talent' category is 'Duuuuuuuh' and her Platform is 'I wush muhself with a raaaaaaag on a stick'. I think she got her nomination at a state fair where the beauty pageant and animal judging events shared the same set of judges and inner beauty went hand in hand with things like wide hips for birthin' and a strong back for occasional plowin'.


Miss Hawaii - To get over those two, here is the delicious Miss Hawaii. I'd like to spit roast her pig. She could put her ring of flowers on my neck. I'd let her [Hawaiian Stereotype] my [Hawaiian Stereotype].


Miss Idaho - This woman is notable simply for the fact that her forehead is slowly melting down past her eyebrows. By the time the finals come around, she'll be touching brow to nose, baby.


Miss Illinois - Surely all women over the age of 40 are banned from this competition. As well as all cast and crew from the Sopranos. Well, apparently not.


Miss Indiana - Miss Indiana, whose Special Talent category is 'Using my breasts to get ahead in life'. I think that if my best friend showed me this photo and told me that was his new girlfriend, I would be forced to do the following: 'Mmmmm.. hmmm' *Nod head slowly*


Miss Iowa - So here's our third rest stop, Miss Iowa, who's as cute as the buttons that will be flying off her shirt as I give her a rough dose of surprise sex in the back of my van.


Miss Kansas - Miss Kansas? Well it looks like when that Wizard of Oz tornado came through she copped a big plank of wood straight to the face. We're not in Kansas any more, Toto, we're in the Intensive Care clinic preparing for hours of facial reconstructive surgery.


Miss Mexico - It's been a rough year for New Mexico. Their girls can't even tan themselves evenly. What? Excuse me? Goggles are the new look? OK, well, apparently everybody is tanning in their own goggles. It's obviously why she's up for Miss America. Get with the times, man.


Miss Minnesota - What the hell is wrong with this competition? Is it a coincidence that every single girl in the pageant has a nose that casts a shadow that long or cheekbones that could be used for harvesting wheat? Does anyone like gum? Cause I'm guessing this girl has plenty.


Miss Missippi - This girl's special talent is 'Looking as much as possible like that underage chick from the Gilmore Girls'. I don't want to bag her out too much because she's a small window of hope in the cess pool of this competition.


Miss Montana - Not only does this chick look like she's half drunk, it looks like they took an almost attractive chick, grabbed her by the hands and feet, and stretched her until they had this monstrosity.


Miss Nebraska - Wow, it looks like that hot chick from the Drew Carey show. Actually, wait, it looks like she ate that hot chick from the Drew Carey show.


Miss Nevada - And here we are. The piece de resistance of Miss America, 2006. There are no words for this. Just point and laugh, then move on.


Miss Ohio - Ohio? More like OhHellNo! Am I right, guys?


Miss Texas - Miss Texas, whose Special Talent is sleeping around, and whose future involves being a trophy wife for some alcoholic rancher.


Miss Vermont - Miss Vermont, also title holder of the 2005 Miss Frumpy Competition and whose sister is coincidentally a horrible fashion stylist, working for Miss Vermont herself!


Miss Virginia - Oh god. Here's your winner, folks. This is going to be an easier victory than the time I challenged that retarded kid to checkers and struck him repeatedly around the head whenever he started to win. The only thing is the name of her state? Virginia? Yeah right, and I'm humping Donald Trump.


Miss Wyoming - Look at that nose. It puts Paris Hilton to shame. How convenient, though, you can slice, dice and julienne vegetables with it. If you ever head over to Miss Wyoming's house and she's slamming her head repeatedly into a chopping board, don't be worried, she's just fixing herself a cool, refreshing snack.

The worst part about all this, aside from the faces on some of those mutants, is that Norway are sitting back, laughing. Do we get the Miss Norway competition televised here? Fuck no. We only get the American Skank Parade. Check out what some of those Norwegian bastards are dealing with :




Damn this war, Muckrakers, they've taken me house!

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Well, as you would all know, unless you are illiterate and, in that case, my sincerest condolences, oh, wait, you can't read this. Sucks to be you, jerk.

Anyway, I digress. As the reading-capable among you would be aware, Tommy has fled prosecution on lewd behaviour charges here in Australia and sought asylum in America. While he is there he has informed me he will be attempting to see some of the countryside aside from that he will see whilst trying to outrun police cruisers, and is thus doing some decidedly road-trippy things throughout the U S of A. He was kind enough to send me a copy of his itinerary, and I post it here now for you and for Senior Constable Walsh who assured me anonymity.

WE'RE GOIN ON A ROADTRIP!

Tommy's first stop will undoubtedly be the Dr Pepper Museum in Waco, Texas. While he imbibes bottle after bottle of the 'carbonated prune juice', he will learn all about the drink labelled 'distinctively different' and 'absolutely shit tasting'. The museum apparently includes, and I shit you not, 'the original drug store where Dr Pepper was first served as a brain tonic'. Well, no wonder everyone who drinks it is absolutely retarded.

Next up on Tommy's non-stop roller coaster ride of excitement is, you guessed it, JFK's Giant Ball of Twine. Now, I don't think this relates to the late, great President Kennedy, but rather some crazy old weirdo with a fetish for string. Says JFK : "I started in 1979," JFK tells us. "I seen it in the paper, somebody else working on a ball of twine, so I figured I'm gonna try and do one." Of course? What else could be a better use of your time. JFK has named the twine ball in quite an original fashion, calling it 'Mr Twine Ball', and is known to exclaim 'I'm the king of all dump people!' randomly and without provocation. He puts up signs over town that say 'I'M THE GREATEST LIVING SMARTEST DUMP MAN YOU EVER SAW and HIGHLAND PEOPLE COME TO THE WORLD'S ONLY NUMBER ONE DUMP IN GOD'S GREEN EARTH AROUND THE WORLD and I AM JUST SO THANKFUL GOD MADE ME THIS WAY. AND EVERYONE IN HIGHLAND IS SO THANKFUL OF ME FOR SAVING MONEY AND DUMPSTERS. JUST THINK ABOUT THIS MAN.' A true American hero.

Following his love for 'The Never Ending Story XXVI : The One Where The Dinosaurs Go Somewhere Far Away and Whine Alot and there's Another Fucking T-Rex', Tommy will then visit 'the town that time forgot' and also 'the town that can't come up with its own names so it steals them from other countries' - Glasgow, Virginia. Instead of being some cool place where Time stands still and you don't age so you stay there for a while and when you come out everyone is old and you're young so you go and bang all your friends' daughters in front of them and laugh because they pushed you over once in High School, it's just got stupid dinosaurs all over it. The reason, you ask? 'They were put up by Mark Cline, Glasgow resident and fiberglass artiste who, frankly, just likes making dinosaurs, and who wants to help his town in the best way that he knows how'. I don't have any idea how putting giant fucking dinosaurs everywhere is helping your town, but they're Americans, so what do I know? According to the tourist guide, 'a Tyrannosaurus Rex now stands beside the BP gas station'. Now, call me jittery, but I will not pump petrol at a servo that has a giant freakin dinosaur attacking it. I'm sorry, that's just not safe.

I shall reveal the rest of Tommy's itinerary soon so you can all stalk him around America if you have the inclination, unless I think of something more interesting to write about.

Not bloody likely.

- OBEY MY BLOG!

As you may know, I will be travelling to Freedomland, a.k.a The United States of America on January 7th, followed by one week in Canada (North Freedomland). Because I can't bear to see my beautiful readers go without someone bringing the content, from the 7th of January 2006 to the 30th of January 2006, I will invoke the 25th Amendment to the Constitution and hand my powers over to my deputy Matt 'Costello' Sampson. He will post a few blogs a week, keeping up the Latham Love well into the new year.

For those of you who don't know Matt, he has written numerous guest blogs, most of them bagging out me. So he should fit in with the rest of you. He also has a blog of his own, which I'm sure he'll shamelessly plug as he abuses his new position of power.

But just remember, whatever happens over the next month, I love you all and I will be back at the end of the month to delete all of Matt's posts.


God Bless America




Love,

Tommy

xoxo

I HAAAAAVE THE POOOOOWERRRRRRRRR!!!!

Just when I thought I couldn't find anything to fire up about sufficiently to require a blog...

Govt considers scrapping FTA drug safeguard

The acting Prime Minister Mark Vaile says the Government will consider reviewing a Labor amendment in the US Free Trade Agreement (FTA) designed to protect drug prices in Australia.

The powerful US pharmaceutical lobby wants the removal of the clause aimed at protecting cheaper generic drugs.

The Opposition insisted on the provision in last-minute negotiations over the trade deal in 2004.

Mr Vaile has told AM that Australia will not consider changing the clause unless the US can prove its case.

"Now I am sure that the American side, particularly industry in America, would like to have a discussion about the way those amendments, and the provision of those amendments are operating," he said.

"But the point needs to be made that they would have to prove that those amendments are being commercially detrimental, which we don't believe they are."

Australia's deal with the United States for a Free Trade Agreement is up for review in March.

from ABC News Online

Mother FUCKERS. And not because generic drugs provide medicine for those who need it the most. Not because generic drugs save us billions of dollars a year. Not because pharmaceutical companies are the most evil of all evil bastards. I'm fired up because IT WAS LATHAM'S IDEA DAMN IT.

It was political genius, back in 2004 everyone wanted to know if Latham and Labor supported the Free Trade Agreement with the U.S. And he was umming and aahing, saying Labor wouldn't support a deal 'without sugar'. Then the deal comes without sugar, but the political consequences of blocking the FTA are too big. Latham was already seen as weak on the U.S Alliance, to block the FTA would have ruined his bid for PM. So, just when everybody is expecting him to lay down... BAM!@ Amendments! Two of them! One for local content on TV, and the other for the PBS! Floats like a butterfly and stings like a bee! Tommy is aroused! Howard is gobsmacked, and Latham boosts his poll numbers. Perhaps the finest moment of his political career.

Perhaps the greatest day of my life.

And then you fuckers re-elect Howard. Now, the only remaining shred of my dreams, the only remnant of the beauty that was Mark Latham - Future Prime Minister, will soon be torn away by Mark Vaile and his PBS stormtroopers. So I'm going to do the only thing I know how to.

(It's Mark Vaile)



(That's a penis on his head)



(How bad am I at drawing circles)

HAPPY NEW YEAR


Hope you all had a top 2005, and an even topper New Year's Eve. This is the first update in a while, mainly because I was busy with work and uni, so I didn't get much time to post.

...

Anyway, I'm leaving for Amexicanada on January 7th, but I'll definitely post one or two 'real' blogs by then, not one of these bullshit Happy New Years two paragraph jobs that end in a picture of a cute animal to distract you from the fact you just wasted your time reading something that served no real purpose other than a meaningless greeting for an even more meaningless celebration of another meaningless year of the waste of oxygen you call living.

Hey look it's a puppy