tommyiscooldotcom

Well, as you would all know, unless you are illiterate and, in that case, my sincerest condolences, oh, wait, you can't read this. Sucks to be you, jerk.

Anyway, I digress. As the reading-capable among you would be aware, Tommy has fled prosecution on lewd behaviour charges here in Australia and sought asylum in America. While he is there he has informed me he will be attempting to see some of the countryside aside from that he will see whilst trying to outrun police cruisers, and is thus doing some decidedly road-trippy things throughout the U S of A. He was kind enough to send me a copy of his itinerary, and I post it here now for you and for Senior Constable Walsh who assured me anonymity.

WE'RE GOIN ON A ROADTRIP!

Tommy's first stop will undoubtedly be the Dr Pepper Museum in Waco, Texas. While he imbibes bottle after bottle of the 'carbonated prune juice', he will learn all about the drink labelled 'distinctively different' and 'absolutely shit tasting'. The museum apparently includes, and I shit you not, 'the original drug store where Dr Pepper was first served as a brain tonic'. Well, no wonder everyone who drinks it is absolutely retarded.

Next up on Tommy's non-stop roller coaster ride of excitement is, you guessed it, JFK's Giant Ball of Twine. Now, I don't think this relates to the late, great President Kennedy, but rather some crazy old weirdo with a fetish for string. Says JFK : "I started in 1979," JFK tells us. "I seen it in the paper, somebody else working on a ball of twine, so I figured I'm gonna try and do one." Of course? What else could be a better use of your time. JFK has named the twine ball in quite an original fashion, calling it 'Mr Twine Ball', and is known to exclaim 'I'm the king of all dump people!' randomly and without provocation. He puts up signs over town that say 'I'M THE GREATEST LIVING SMARTEST DUMP MAN YOU EVER SAW and HIGHLAND PEOPLE COME TO THE WORLD'S ONLY NUMBER ONE DUMP IN GOD'S GREEN EARTH AROUND THE WORLD and I AM JUST SO THANKFUL GOD MADE ME THIS WAY. AND EVERYONE IN HIGHLAND IS SO THANKFUL OF ME FOR SAVING MONEY AND DUMPSTERS. JUST THINK ABOUT THIS MAN.' A true American hero.

Following his love for 'The Never Ending Story XXVI : The One Where The Dinosaurs Go Somewhere Far Away and Whine Alot and there's Another Fucking T-Rex', Tommy will then visit 'the town that time forgot' and also 'the town that can't come up with its own names so it steals them from other countries' - Glasgow, Virginia. Instead of being some cool place where Time stands still and you don't age so you stay there for a while and when you come out everyone is old and you're young so you go and bang all your friends' daughters in front of them and laugh because they pushed you over once in High School, it's just got stupid dinosaurs all over it. The reason, you ask? 'They were put up by Mark Cline, Glasgow resident and fiberglass artiste who, frankly, just likes making dinosaurs, and who wants to help his town in the best way that he knows how'. I don't have any idea how putting giant fucking dinosaurs everywhere is helping your town, but they're Americans, so what do I know? According to the tourist guide, 'a Tyrannosaurus Rex now stands beside the BP gas station'. Now, call me jittery, but I will not pump petrol at a servo that has a giant freakin dinosaur attacking it. I'm sorry, that's just not safe.

I shall reveal the rest of Tommy's itinerary soon so you can all stalk him around America if you have the inclination, unless I think of something more interesting to write about.

Not bloody likely.

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