Matthew Reilly: Hollywood Bound. In related news, San Diego Zoo reports shortage of bears

My thoughts on prominent Australian "author" Matthew Reilly have been documented on this "blog" before. Essentially, my core complaint with Reilly's work is that it's shit. He uses single line sentences too much, he uses freaking italics in a novel, and his action stories typically involve the release of wild bears into an enclosed environment. Not to mention, his foreshadowing has about as much subtlety as the big red stamp on A Current Affair, and normally looks something like this:

Schofield looked at the small yellow button on the mainframe controls. Underneath was an even smaller sign that read 'Use In Case Of Wild Bear Release'. Schofield made a note of the button and its location, in the event that he would have to press it fifty pages later. And then, a noise.

It was a bear.


And it looked Wild.

Seriously. And to make matters worse, he's working on a television pilot in Hollywood! Now, considering the titles of his previous works ("Jason Chaser: Hover Car Racer"), I was expecting something like 'Jack Blassassin: Registered Assassin', but no! Reilly shocks us with a last minute swerve that doesn't involve a top-secret paramilitary team OR a grappling hook!

Matthew Reilly's father

Matt's working on a show called 'Literary Superstars', about the 'exploits of a publishing industry publicist'. Because releasing press releases and sending gifts to journalists is high-end drama, you see. But don't take my word for it, here's Matt!

No, it’s actually going to be more in the style of Sex and the City - sexy, fast and funky, with humour and the odd moment of drama. The TV people in the States use the word "dramedy" for this kind of show and while it sounds odd, in the case of Literary Superstars it’s actually appropriate!

I dislike you.

Matthew Reilly. Nice jumper, four-eyes.

And I can picture it now. Carrie, Samantha and the red-haired lezzy, sitting around drinking Cosmopolitans, talking about their sexy, fast and funky exploits at the book publishing offices, when suddenly...

A GROUP OF TOP-SECRET PARAMILITARY SOLDIERS BURST THROUGH THE WALL!
Carrie screamed, and clutched her grappling hook.
"You won't need that where we're going," said the soldier's leader, a built man of 30.
"Why?" Carried yelled. "Where are you taking us?"
"We have to get out of here," the soldier replied. "Bears are coming..."


"Sexy bears."

Actually.... That show sounds pretty damn good. Maybe you're not a worthless hack after all, Mr. Reilly. What else do you have in mind for this show?

Some stories? How about: the time our heroine has to publicise her company chairman's wife's new book (based on a true occurrence my agent told me about); or her experiences with a bestselling thriller author at a snooty writers festival (also true); or how she sells a book about how to seduce women (not telling)!

God, the drama just leaks off the pages. Give this guy $20 million and let's cast one of the Baldwins as the publicist. See if you can get the ugly one from Desperate Housewives, too. No, no. The other ugly one. No, the other ugly one. Yes. Her. We'll premiere in the Fall, and cancel good shows like Jericho, Veronica Mars and Studio 60 to make room for fucking Matthew Reilly and his shit idea for a show fuck i hate him so much