Nothing to Lose Your Head Over

And so, another day, another terrorist plot uncovered and ‘foiled’. It is truly an indicator of the times that we live in that I am now forced to recognise that the word ‘foiled’ no longer solely refers to the way in which a turkey should be placed in the oven.

The BBC announce the gunpowder, treason and plot.

So, the story (besides ‘demob happy’ apparently meaning ‘a fat pedophile’) is that the terrorists that are hiding under every rock in every Muslim neighbourhood (yeah, you know the ones) have switched tactics. As opposed to the old, out-moded methods of yelling ‘Allāhu Akbar’ before blowing the shit out of something, what’s ‘in’ right now is kidnapping low-level infantry soldiers and beheading them. That’s right, public transport bombings in London have officially become passé and are the terrorism equivalent of Hypercolour T-Shirts and slap-bracelets.


Oh, how I yearn for simpler times when it was easy to be this cool.

What really perturbs me about this story is where the Terrorists could possibly be getting their ideas. I mean, nothing like a kidnapping-and-beheading caper has ever been planned or executed before, which means that some heretofore unknown force is feeding these militant Islamic extremists their wacky yet deadly ideas. And, if you believe the American news at the moment (who doesn’t?) the blame lies squarely on the shoulders of the greatest-of-all TV shows, 24.


The 24 terrorists may have given the London kidnappers their idea, but Jack Bauer gave MI5 the idea of stopping them before anything bad happened.

Not only is 24 feeding the hollowed-out souls of crazy Muslims, it’s telling Americans that Muslims are horrible people. I guess that’s only fair and balanced. Some news outlets are going as far as to label Jack Bauer a ‘right wing propagandist’, doing the bidding of the Bush government and instilling fear in the real-life American people. This is where I draw the line. Jack Bauer is many things, but he does not support George Bush. Well, you know, unless George Bush becomes president in the 24 universe. In that case, Jack will murder his boss, take up heroin, throw exploding phones out a window and get in a plane with a nuclear bomb just to please George Bush. However, my favourite thing to come out about 24 this week is that 24 has officially changed the public’s mind and made everybody think that torturing another human being is A-OK. It is, quote, a ‘national referendum’ on torture and, judging by the ratings, people are voting ‘torture the fuck out of everyone’ in droves.



So, semi-loyal readers, what is the message here? What is the conclusion? It’s simple. No matter if you’re an easily malleable suburban housewife, ready to believe that Ackhhhmed next door is a terrorist or if you’re a radical Sunni rebel with a belt full of C4 strapped to your chest, 24 can make us all believe one thing – 24 is totally awesome and if you’re not watching tonight you’re a complete retard.