Matt's Christmas Message

I am officially goneskis as of tomorrow on my South Coast Drinking Safari (SCDS for short (pronounced Ess-Cee-Dees)), and will miss you all terribly. I have reasonable intelligence that a small percentage of you will not miss me. To those people I say ‘Merry Christmas’ and ‘I hope you die whilst ingesting a bag of your own shit’.

This being my first Christmas spent away from the family, I decided it was necessary for me to get into the Christmas spirit early, safe in the knowledge that this year I will be lucky to remember any of it, barring the fallout from a drunken phone call to my parents assuring them that I love them so much, like, totally like the most anyone has ever, oh man, what was I saying, I think some fuckhead stole all my beer, man, fuck.

History will remember this as the year that changed my Christmas forever.

The first stop on my journey was the ever-contemporary ‘Santa-Bot’ over at http://santabot.com/. Now, I remember seeing this technology at the Powerhouse museum (first floor underneath the lobby, near the bottom of the escalators, right next to the giant keyboard a la A*Mazing) where you type things to the computer and it does its best to simulate a conversation with you. Now, I usually find the whole thing about as stimulating as attempting to converse with a stillborn foetus, but at santabot.com, I’m fairly sure they just plug your stuff into MSN and I just happened to get put through to a strung-out 16-year-old Californian with easy access to historical information on Saint Nikolas.


The aforementioned SantaBot or, as I have come to know him, SurferDude55 from CA, bra.

Santa: Hello! What is your name?
Matt: I'm Matt. I write for Tommy's lame ass blog.
Santa: Hi, Matt. I write for Socko's lame ass blog.
Matt: OK.. I thought Tommy might have mentioned something like that. Anyway, what's crackin, Sant's?
Santa: You tell me.
Matt: Looks like your chair's crackin under your big ass there, duder.
Santa: Interesting comparison.
Matt: That.. that wasn't a comparison.
Santa: That is "Interesting comparison"What is a comparison?
Matt: What? Are you high or something?
Santa: Or something. Being high is my total existence.
Matt: That's pretty awesome. How much did you smoke?
Santa: Who is the best robot? How much do you think?
Matt: That sounds like a lot of bones to be smokin', Santa.
Santa: It sounds like it to me too.
Matt: Awesome, so does Mrs. Claus know? Or you keep it on the down-low?
Santa: "It sounds like it to me too"? Awesome so does Mrs? I'm "Claus" for my friends. "Nikolaos" for all the boring adults. It's a Greek name, because I was born in the Greek town of Patara 1800 years ago. Later, I became bishop of Myra, and more later even a saint ... Saint Nikolaos - Santa Claus. You see? I am Santa. I give presents to kids.
Matt: Holy shit, dude, you get talky after a few joints.
Santa: You used a colloquial expression. You got that right. Dude.
Matt: You're so hip, Santa.
Santa: I am Santa. I give presents to kids.
Matt: Right on, brother. Right on.

Man, remember the Powerhouse? It’s like, all I can think about now. Remember back when you were a kid and you used to go there? It was full of 80’s technology freak-out stuff, and every single fucking exhibit had everything on touch screen for some reason, maybe the occasional trackball thrown in. And there was that giant train there, and the café outside was really lame and in this tiny courtyard, and the monorail station was right next to it, and once I went to the Star Wars exhibit they had there and I wanted to touch some giant car-thing because Natalie Portman had touched it in the movie and I figured if I could get some of her DNA on me I could sound more believable when I told people we had made out but when I reached over they had like some laser alarm thing and this loud whistle thing went off and the security guard came over and gave me a really stern look but I totally could have taken him. I bet if you went to the Powerhouse now it would be full of really insane future-tech stuff like hover-cars and invisible ink and insane, 3-D computer glove controls like in Minority Report but they still have touch screens everywhere so people don’t just completely freak the fuck out.


The current interior of the Powerhouse Museum.
a.k.a. Google Image Search for 'Future'.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, have a decent Christmas and a kwazy Kwanza. See you in ’07.