Guest Blog: Skelton's Tips On Buying Shit

It's GUEST BLOG time, because I'm far too busy to update the blog, what with the coup in Thailand. Here goes...



Greetings ladies and gentlemen!

Firstly, I'm pretty much known as Skelton. I happen to be an old high school budddy of Tommy's. We used to laugh, and play, and talk about girls with long-hair - like Ale...

You know, it is seriously hard to write one of these without just going bananas with scathing personal jokes and attacks. I have no idea how Tommy only does it 83% of the time.

Anyway, rather than get all nostalgic and full of regret (even though we totally should have taken alcohol to Business Studies) let's get on with some sort of Guest Blog type thing.

This was supposed to be a rant - because that's the kind of originality you can expect from someone without anything to say actually worth publishing, but then I realised there probably isn't much to talk about with automobile air fresheners these days after the initial "Why the in the french-fried-Fillet-O-F*** can I not buy a plain old vanilla air freshener instead of having to take a gamble on 'Obsession' or 'Fashion - inspired by CK' ???

Honestly, these things could smell like Toilet Duck that's past it's prime, and you would be none the wiser 'til you bought the damn thing, and your panel van STILL smells like underage sex and marijuana.

Ambi-Pur 'Elegance', to cover up your steamy dumps

So screw that. That's pretty much as far as you can go with air freshener observational humour without making a poo joke... which might happen if this was my mildly amusing debut on the stand-up comedy scene: "Thank God he has a real job," the cosmos sighs.

Nah, I figured I would educate! Give the slobbering masses something to stimulate a bit of brain activity. Perhaps some useful advice for all the people who read Tommy's blog.

Hope you both read this.


Your Parents May Not Have Taught You Everything

You're probably thinking, "Skelton? Sod orf. I AM already familiar with reproduction. My parents told me about this. I didn't learn it in the playground like the Catholic kids had to. I had the 'sex, pregnancy, 'why theres too much paperwork to adopt', erectile dysfunction, and IVF' talk when I was 6! What could you possibly teach me now, without hand-puppets and a soggy rolled-up newspaper?"

Well, you inquisitive little munchikin, I'm glad you asked and only slightly dismayed at the way you asked it: There are things you can take advantage of in this world!

Now I'm not talking about coupons for free meals at Black Stump, unlimited large pizzas for $5.95, or even elderly relatives with dementia.

I'm talking about simple things.

Face it, we live in a materialistic culture; full of capitalism, democracy, positive affirmation, human rights, and all sorts of other buzz words that can make me sound like a uni student who gives a shit and actually thinks that BOTH people care about my opinion AND I can make a difference.

rofflez!!1!eleventy!

Wake up and smell the reality hanging limply on a fence in Redfern (Tommy, you can edit this bit out if you think it's a bit too topical and offensive to all the Aboriginals who can rea... hehehe nevermind).

But it's true - materialism -> consumerism. Our culture is one of pursuit of the almighty dollar, and whilst you already know this... and also know it isn't entirely altruistic, you will pursue economic gain.

Which isn't entirely wrong, so much as vital in this country. You do need money to live and enjoy a less than crappy quality of life.

Your parents, in trying to help you along in this, encouraged you to get good marks in your HSC, and go to university - knowing full well you're really good at the drums, and if you could just practice a bit more you could really make it!

They figure you'll get a "good job" and then they can look at your life, and a framed certificate on the wall and convince themselves that it was ok they didn't spend enough time with you when you were a kid because you turned out OK, and certainly don't have wet dreams about burning the house down while your family sleeps and waking with silent screams in an agony of lonely nothingness.

Or so I hear...


Regardless, while your grand-dad may never have told you all those cool stories from WWII, he probably did tell you "if you're not using it, leave it alone" and "a penny saved is a penny earned".

We'll find the 2nd piece of advice more applicable these days (although that sure was an awkward day at kindy): and there are a few simple rules you can follow to save yourself some cash [without voting Liberal again. Hah! ... I got your political commentary riiiight heeere].

In the interest of balance, Liberal Party Senator Amanda Vanstone likes cheeseburgers

1) Ask for a discount.
It's a simple fact - if you don't ask, you won't get. It doesn't matter what you're buying, the more you are buying of something the more likely you are to get a discount. If a shop assistant likes you enough, they may swipe their employee discount card for you. Obviously not Bunnings or Go-Lo employees though, you're appealing to someones friendliness and good nature - not their empty soul. If it's a smaller business, the server may be the owner or a relative and be happy to give a discount in the interest of return business. It's more applicable to higher cost items: TV's, stereos, etc.

What's that?

... petrol?

Hahahahaha suck a fat one /OPEC.

But seriously, whenever you're buying something... "Can you do any better on the price for me?" will get you something pretty easy half the time. If you're nervous about it, ask once and then accept whatever they offer you.

2) Shop around.
No I don't mean play Bing Lee against JB HiFi in a vicious blood fued until you price match -10% your way to Enter The Dragon on DVD for $7.88 (I still maintain it was worth the 20 mins it took).

I can't believe Bruce Lee ripped off that Mars Bar ad

If your dentist tells you you need $5000 worth of crowns and fillings - go get a 2nd opinion.

If your car is going to need a new gearbox, ring some other places - ask how much they cost, and then get your mechanic to match a lower price.

A quote from someone who knows more about something than you, doesn't mean you can't find someone who knows just as much as they do to screw up their rip-off scheme.

3) Choose the time to buy.
Certain times of year will afford you more leverage to get a deal than other times. Sometimes it can even depend on the weather. For example, no-one shops for cars on rainy-days. If you are on the lot, the salespeople there know you are probably the only customer they are going to see that day. If they can sell you a car they will - even if they have to do some special pricing to do it. If it also happens to be the end of the month, when sales performances in organisations are reviewed and totals tallied - you are even MORE likely to get a desperate salesman who will do you a good deal.

Another example is just to wait for the new model to come out, then buy the previous model - places will be anxious to move older, devalued stock and that helps you out!

4) Smile at people.
Simply being friendly can get you an unasked for discount, a better model for the same price, good and honest advice about a product, or some chick's phone number.

5) Find a friend in the business.
No matter what you think reading books ever did for you, it is totally all about WHO you know, not WHAT you know.

Make friends with an ethnic person who has a large family and you'll pretty much have half a 'network' right there.

Another benefit of making friends with ethnic people

That's pretty much it. Fairly basic financial advice. It all comes down to asking a question or two. I don't have any hot tips on investments... aside from scratchies. The return potential on those puppies is awesome!

Happy spending, you empowered little consumer whores.




Best Regards, Love & Happiness, No Communicable STDs,


Skelton