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You've probably heard a lot of men in suits on television talking about 'middle Australia'. The Budget was aimed at 'middle Australia'. Beazley's Budget reply was targeted at 'middle Australia'. John Howard's electoral success is because of 'middle Australia'. But what IS Middle Australia, I hear you ask yourself, furrowing your brow and counting on your fingers. Won't somebody tell me what Middle Australia is, so I can go back to masterbating?

Well, look no further, because it's...

TOMMY'S GUIDE TO MIDDLE AUSTRALIA


The late, great, fat Australian philosopher Kim 'Kim Beazley' Beazley once said...

"People on middle-incomes, the people with families, the people who have the problems with childcare, who worry about whether their kids get skilled, worried about their own skills, worried about their mortgages, worried about the petrol prices," Mr Beazley said.

"That's middle Australia."

And those words remain true to this day, over twelve hours since he said them.

Former INXS frontman and current Australian Treasurer Peter Costello said the tax cuts and family benefits in his budget were aimed squarely at 'Middle Australia'. You know the ones, the tax cuts that give a larger tax cut to lower-income earners and higher income-earners than middle-income earners, the ones squarely aimed at.... middle.. Australia. Hmm.

So now we're all confused. According to these cun- politicians, Middle Australia is:

• People with low, medium and high incomes
• People with families
• People who worry about petrol prices
• People who worry about childcare and if their children will get 'skilled' (may be mispronounciation of 'killed')
• People with mortgages
• People with hats

Now, I looked up the definition of 'broad' in my illustrated dictionary the other day, hoping to see a picture of a hot 1940's chick, and based on the above features I'm pretty sure Middle Australia is broader than Casey Donovan's arse cheeks when she squats down to take a massive, greasy, steamy dump.

(That's how you write a fat joke, Wil Anderson.)

So, if our politicians can't define Middle Australia, maybe I have to look for an answer elsewhere. Maybe I have to think outside the box. Middle Australia might just be a part of a larger world. A segment of a greater, yet-still-Middle place. A country in some kind of.... Middle Earth.

'Middle Earth' you say? Isn't that from the Chronicles of Narnia? To continue my exploration, I visited Middle Earth and tried to ask this man for advice.

THOU SHALT NOT ASK!!

Well, those secretive bastards in Middle Earth weren't helping me figure out what Middle Australia was, so I turned to the only place that would know. Google. A quick search of "middle Australia" found books, news articles, essays and encylopaedia entries. However, because I cannot read, this search proved fruitless. Why I was expecting to find pieces of fruit in a Google Search is a question for another day.

My Google Search

And then it hit me. Middle Australia is not something you can define. It's an intangible construct, derived from post-modern concepts of our very existance. A veritable paradox of disenfranchisement in the information anti-disestablishmentarianism jimmybingbong era. Middle Australia is normal, it's what most of us want to be. The lower working classes aspire to be 'middle', the upper-class try not to look like faggoty snobs, and so they watch footy and Big Brother with the rest of us. Middle Australia is what binds this entire country together, along with an interconnected series of tectonic plates and a shitload of Clag.

Middle Australia IS Australia.

Deep down inside, we're all middle.



Except for you.