tommyiscooldotcom

When I bag other blogs out, I normally find them by accident. The 'next blog' button at the top of the page is veritable goldmine of loonies. One day I even found this one kid who pretends to interview Mark Latham, the loser.

Anyway, I love you all so I'm going to come clean about the next one. This next target has already been bagged out on a site called The Spin Starts Here, which is completely awesome and full credit to them for finding it.

But I felt their owning of the next blog was a little restrained. It just didn't quite do it for me, and I think a target of this calibre deserves a complete and utter owning. So, I'm going to put on my best insult shoes and get stuck in. Ladies and gents, I give you...


SAMUEL GORDON STEWART
'I'm Pretty Sure He's Retarded'

A Blog Review By TommyYou know sometimes on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, they bring in one of those young guys who are really intelligent, yet you know still wear one-piece pyjamas to bed? The guys who can tell you how many King George's there have been, or the approximate altitude of Mount Kilimanjaro, yet have never tasted a beer? They're eccentric, but not rich. Crazy, but not scary. That is my best effort at describing the enigma that is Samuel Gordon Stewart, or SGS as he is known to his friends and family. Which, coincidentally, are the same.

Conveniently, Samuel (what a gay name lol) is currently posting a 'Blog Year In Review' as part of his blog's one-year anniversary. This means we can easily track every single post SGS has made without actually reading any of them. It's mana from heaven.


Basically, Sambo has some obsessions and some hobbies. He listens to talkback radio, specifically 2CC in his hometown of Canberra, he has a regular podcast called Samuel's Persiflage (more on that one later), he likes to blog about the dreams he has involving his school canteen, talkback radio, dinosaurs and Sky News personality John Mangos (who doesn't) and he likes coffee.

See you tonight, John.

Let's start off with his talkback obsession. I get why people listen to talkback. It's interesting, it's full of fighting and yelling and insults and controversy. I get why young people might find it interesting to listen to every now and then. Hell, I dig the Spoonman. But Samuel is 18 years old. And he tracks talkback personalities birthdays, career moves and format changes. He takes photos of the 60-year old shock jocks, then visits the studios to present them as gifts. He dreams regularly about interacting with these announcers, and best of all...


He skipped his Year 12 Formal to go on a 'Christmas Cruise' event with 2CC personality John Kerr.

Once again...

He skipped his Year 12 Formal to go on a 'Christmas Cruise' event with 2CC personality John Kerr.

And in writing that line, I realised that I just can't do this blog justice. Now I see why The Spin Starts Here couldn't either. It's not that Sam doesn't have things I can bag him out for, he just has TOO MANY things. I could quite easily shut down TommyIsCoolDotCom and launch a new blog where every day, I just bag out this guy and it still wouldn't be enough. I could hire someone else to help, and we'd still be bagging out his John Mangos dreams for six months. He is such an easy target that I just can't hit him.

But let's keep trying, shall we.

Samuel likes drawings. Unluckily, however, his drawings are shithouse. If you took away Michael J. Fox's medications, gave him a sketchbook, tied him to one of those vibrating massage chairs and placed him in a rickety sailboat in the middle of choppy waters, he'd still bust out more legible drawings than this kid. For those of you sparing yourselves from visiting his site, let's take a look at some of his stuff.

This picture was drawn in 2002. Meaning Samuel was about 15 at the time.

It's a post-modern expression of the disparity of the man-made world,
in the medium of paper and HB Pencil

A 15 year old drew that. But we should commend him, I mean, look at the effort he put in. Actually, let's just let him tell us about the effort he put in.

In the picture you can see the puzzle board at the top showing a partially completed puzzle, underneath that you can see the “puzzle genre” graphic and co-host Sophie Faulkner, further down you can see the wheel and host of the time Rob Elliot announcing that there are three “O”s in the puzzle.

In this picture you can see that “Top Dollar” on the wheel is $2000, which means that this was prior to the “inflation” of the money as Rob Elliot called it. This was also at the time when Daewoo were the motor vehicle sponsor of Wheel Of Fortune.

Rob Elliot, of course. Just check out the likeness.

Uncanny

Of course, drawing isn't Samuel's only love. As I mentioned before, Sambo has a monthly podcast called 'Samuel's Persiflage'. Yes, I'd never heard of that word either. Dictionary.com says it's like light-hearted banter. I could have sworn it meant 'Podcast nobody listens to'. That's harsh. I am growing to like Samuel. He just.. believes in himself so much. I mean, how else would he be able to get away with this intro.

I could get Steve Martin, the corpse of Mitch Hedburg, Mick Molloy and a hyper-intelligent, self-aware comedy writing computer, and still not write anything as funny as the intro to Sam's Persiflage. The music, the talking over the music, his way-too-deep-voice for a guy his age, how he says 'February'. It's fucking beautiful. I want to do him.

In light of my new love for Sam, and the fact I'm constrained by social mores (CALLBACK~!), I'm going to pass the show over to a man who is incapable of such emotion, everyone's favourite Internet Hitman, Matt.

Sam is on the right. Nice belt buckle, guy on left.

Hi, dumbfucks. Now, I don't mean to kick off with the obvious, but this guy has surely contracted some form of plague, if he's not already incubating several new forms of it in his gums as we speak. The uneven skin tones, the overbite, the shit-eating grin; it all points towards a tormented, unappreciated artist, just like Van Gogh or Kurt Cobain. You know, if Van Gogh and Kurt Cobain had spent their lunchtimes in the common room sobbing like a ballerina with a skinned knee because some older boys had thrown their Gameboy games all over the playground.

Look at that photo up there, with stretched-larynx'd Sam and what is most likely some radio putz from Community Bullshit FM who is his all-time hero because he learnt how to put both the 'BOINNNGGG' sound effect and the 'FWEEEEEE' sound effect together at the same time.

The wannabe-DJ (oh, sorry, to be more specific, the wannabe-DJ on the right) is barely suppressing his cackles of derisive laughter, both at this kid's general shabbiness, taste in clothes and asexual appearance, but also from pure relief that there's someone out there for him to pity. AT LAST!

And, if you don't believe me, look at this picture.

Sam proudly showing off his Linux showbag.

If there wasn't Linux shit everywhere, I'd be fairly confident that this was a self-taken picture of the fucker's stash on Christmas morning. Actually, it's still not entirely implausible. From the mother-bought curtains in the background, through the 1980's fire-hazard woollen bedsread, to the three dollar hair cut in traditional bowl cut, this kid just screams 'chick magnet' all over, doesn't he?

Yes, Sam, we see that it's a single bed. No, Sam, there's no forseeable need to change that. Too bad your first sexual experience will end in an awkwardly-worded explanation to a computer store lackey fixing your short-circuiting keyboard. No, telling him that 'if you take out 'gbhnjmk,l.;/' you can just slide it right in' will not help the situation.

In short, you can't hold Mike Carlton's jock-strap. Now there's a radio host who knows how to get things done.

Thanks, Matt, says Tommy, who didn't write that bit so therefore can't get sued by anybody.

We shall end the blog with the ceremonial copy/pasting of actual topics Sam blogged about, ripped straight from his seemingly endless 'Year In Review' series.

• I had some dreams about fires and bicycles.
• I announced my playlist for the trip to Sydney and Back between 2CC & 2UE reception areas.
• I had a scary shower, and followed it with a dream about a bicycle race.
• I also documented the excessive amount of noise those horrid green busses create.
• 2CC had their birthday, and I had a special picture for the occasion.
• Google decided that I’m a penguin.
• I wrote my first restaurant review, for the Majura Cafe, and became very annoyed with the way government lawnmowers operate.
• One of my clocks gained half a second.
• Black & Gold foods changed their label design
• It was around this time that I started to become annoyed with the services of Blogger.com, and contemplated moving to WordPress.
• Windows Media Player asked me the same question ten times in a row.
• Somebody decided to put some shopping baskets on street lamps.

Incredible. When news breaks, it breaks first on Sam's blog. I think we all know who the nation turned to first when Black and Gold changed their label design.

Anyway, this blog is long enough. And I think it's safe to say, that in spite of everything I have written about this kid, he is going to have a much, much more successful career in the media than I will.

And that's what these are for.