tommyiscooldotcom

All stories of lawyers and ninjas aside, It's time for the Miss America pageant again. Why, I remember being a little girl and getting excited to see the pageant, imagining what it must be like to be a beautiful grown up woman that is admired by millions of people, and later watching it with my sorority sisters and we would pick favorites and make bets and have pillow fights in lingerie.

You can now see the 'favourites' for the Miss America pageant at http://www.missamerica.org/, but let me tell you, the old grey mare? She sure as shit ain't what she used to be. I'm wondering if my memories of the beautiful ladies are totally skewed by innocence and an unprejudiced child-like view of things, or if the women have just gotten so much damn uglier it hurts just to look at them.

So, they aren't all hideous. A few of them might even be considered hot. Maybe. Most of them MIGHT get a free drink if they showed up to a bar on a slow night, but on average they are, well, average.

Gentlemen, meet your contestants...


Miss Alaska - Now, to be quite frank, this woman scares the everloving shit out of me. She's the type that you'd be out with.. she'd whisper to you, 'Come closer... come closer... come closer, darling... I'M GONNA BITE YOUR FACE OFF!!'


Miss Arizona - Wow, it's like what Reese Witherspoon would look like if she, you know, wasn't Reese Witherspoon and had been run over by a truck when she was a child. I hope I am not the only one who after seeing this picture, suddenly started singing, "Who let the dogs outttt?"


Miss Arkansas - Miss Arkansas is clearly the type of woman who thinks that being perky and super-keen can get you through even the worst of situations, and has massive pictures of Condaleeza Rice on her walls so she can pray to them nightly.


Miss California -
'But, honey, I asked you to wake me up after three hours so I could turn the tanning bed off.'
'Now, Frank, I'm sorry, but hurry up, you're going to be late for your Miss America photo shoot.'


Miss District of Columbia - Okay, this is our first semi-rest stop in the endless parade of uggos. If you never go above the neck, things aren't looking too terrible here. God bless the District, it's obvious why Tom Cruise decided to set up Pre-Crime there instead of somewhere crap, like...


Miss Delaware - DELAWARE! That's right, this horrific piece of meat constantly doing the Monster Mash was actually selected as the most excellent example of womanhood to come out of her state this year. They've got to be shipping a heap of radioactive waste through Delaware, or pissing in the water supply or something, because there's some truly terrible shit going down in that gene pool.


Miss New Hampshire - Miss New Hampshire, whose 'Special Talent' category is 'Duuuuuuuh' and her Platform is 'I wush muhself with a raaaaaaag on a stick'. I think she got her nomination at a state fair where the beauty pageant and animal judging events shared the same set of judges and inner beauty went hand in hand with things like wide hips for birthin' and a strong back for occasional plowin'.


Miss Hawaii - To get over those two, here is the delicious Miss Hawaii. I'd like to spit roast her pig. She could put her ring of flowers on my neck. I'd let her [Hawaiian Stereotype] my [Hawaiian Stereotype].


Miss Idaho - This woman is notable simply for the fact that her forehead is slowly melting down past her eyebrows. By the time the finals come around, she'll be touching brow to nose, baby.


Miss Illinois - Surely all women over the age of 40 are banned from this competition. As well as all cast and crew from the Sopranos. Well, apparently not.


Miss Indiana - Miss Indiana, whose Special Talent category is 'Using my breasts to get ahead in life'. I think that if my best friend showed me this photo and told me that was his new girlfriend, I would be forced to do the following: 'Mmmmm.. hmmm' *Nod head slowly*


Miss Iowa - So here's our third rest stop, Miss Iowa, who's as cute as the buttons that will be flying off her shirt as I give her a rough dose of surprise sex in the back of my van.


Miss Kansas - Miss Kansas? Well it looks like when that Wizard of Oz tornado came through she copped a big plank of wood straight to the face. We're not in Kansas any more, Toto, we're in the Intensive Care clinic preparing for hours of facial reconstructive surgery.


Miss Mexico - It's been a rough year for New Mexico. Their girls can't even tan themselves evenly. What? Excuse me? Goggles are the new look? OK, well, apparently everybody is tanning in their own goggles. It's obviously why she's up for Miss America. Get with the times, man.


Miss Minnesota - What the hell is wrong with this competition? Is it a coincidence that every single girl in the pageant has a nose that casts a shadow that long or cheekbones that could be used for harvesting wheat? Does anyone like gum? Cause I'm guessing this girl has plenty.


Miss Missippi - This girl's special talent is 'Looking as much as possible like that underage chick from the Gilmore Girls'. I don't want to bag her out too much because she's a small window of hope in the cess pool of this competition.


Miss Montana - Not only does this chick look like she's half drunk, it looks like they took an almost attractive chick, grabbed her by the hands and feet, and stretched her until they had this monstrosity.


Miss Nebraska - Wow, it looks like that hot chick from the Drew Carey show. Actually, wait, it looks like she ate that hot chick from the Drew Carey show.


Miss Nevada - And here we are. The piece de resistance of Miss America, 2006. There are no words for this. Just point and laugh, then move on.


Miss Ohio - Ohio? More like OhHellNo! Am I right, guys?


Miss Texas - Miss Texas, whose Special Talent is sleeping around, and whose future involves being a trophy wife for some alcoholic rancher.


Miss Vermont - Miss Vermont, also title holder of the 2005 Miss Frumpy Competition and whose sister is coincidentally a horrible fashion stylist, working for Miss Vermont herself!


Miss Virginia - Oh god. Here's your winner, folks. This is going to be an easier victory than the time I challenged that retarded kid to checkers and struck him repeatedly around the head whenever he started to win. The only thing is the name of her state? Virginia? Yeah right, and I'm humping Donald Trump.


Miss Wyoming - Look at that nose. It puts Paris Hilton to shame. How convenient, though, you can slice, dice and julienne vegetables with it. If you ever head over to Miss Wyoming's house and she's slamming her head repeatedly into a chopping board, don't be worried, she's just fixing herself a cool, refreshing snack.

The worst part about all this, aside from the faces on some of those mutants, is that Norway are sitting back, laughing. Do we get the Miss Norway competition televised here? Fuck no. We only get the American Skank Parade. Check out what some of those Norwegian bastards are dealing with :




Damn this war, Muckrakers, they've taken me house!