"It's now or never," crooned Mr Downer to officials and foreign ministers from 10 South-East Asian nations and their dialogue partners.

"Let's consummate, fulfil the promise, a summit date," he sang to whistles and laughter.

http://www.abc.net.au/news/indepth/featureitems/s1426537.htm

Great, now everything is going to think we're a country of fags

Well, bigger fags

NSW Premier Bob Carr resigned earlier today. Because when news breaks, the big names come to TommyIsCoolDotCom, I secured his very first interview since the resignation. It is literally hot off the presses, and the biggest single scoop in the history of journalism since the Telegraph got the pictures of Lleyton and Bec's wedding.


Shall we shag now or shag later

Download it here, or if that link doesn't work, you can get it here.

So, you've all heard those McDonald's ads where they make fun of 'other' sandwich stores for taking ages to make a sandwich? ('Whaaatttt woooullddd youuu likkkeee onnn youuurrr suubbbbbbb?') Well, before today I didn't have a problem with them. Obviously they were taking a pot shot at me, and every other Subway Sandwich Artist. Obviously McDonald's thinks they're so inferior to me that they have to defame me on the radio. That's cool. Jealousy makes people do stupid things. But today those red-nosed fuckers crossed the line.

Making fun of Subway for being slow would be cool, if McDonald's was faster. But today, I order a Chicken Caesar Deli Choice (with one gram less fat than a Big Mac mind you) and how long does it take? 1 minute? No. 2 or 3 minutes, the average time that same sub would take at Subway? Nope. Maybe 4 minutes? Nein. 5 minutes, the time it would take me to make 3 footlongs? No. Not even close.

My Chicken Caesar Deli Choice took SIX MINUTES. SIX MINUTES OF WAITING AT THE MCDONALD'S COUNTER, WATCHING OTHER PEOPLE GET THEIR CHEESEBURGERS AND MCNUGGETS AND BIG MACS AND MCHEARTDISEASES, OCCASSIONALLY CHECKING MY PHONE SO IT LOOKS LIKE I HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO EVEN THOUGH I WAS JUST AT THE SHOPS TO BUY SOME SECOND-HAND BOOKS TO READ BECAUSE I AM CHEAP

TICK TOCK TICK TOCK MCDONALDS

SIX MINUTES! SIX MINUTES OF MY LIFE WAITING FOR SOME DUDE TO PUT TWO PIECES OF CHICKEN, BACON, LETTUCE AND SAUCE ON A ROLL WHILE REPEATING SAID INGREDIENTS OUT LOUD LIKE IN THE AD. WOW DUDE YOU HAD 4 THINGS TO PUT ON A SUB, YOU'RE SO HIGH TECH. WHY NOT TRY MAKING A FUCKING FOOTLONG CHICKEN PIZZIOLA WITH ALL THE SALADS AND TRY DOING YOUR RECITING OUT LOUD BULLSHIT?! YOU'D GET STUCK AT THE FIFTH SALAD YOU FUCKING HACK, NONE OF YOU MCSLAVES COULD HACK IT IN THE FUCKING MAJOR LEAGUES AND YOU FUCKING KNOW IT

Now Jim, we use our Time Shifting device to waste more of Tommy's time. Please place your enormous nose inside the Time Matrix cylinder

YOU DEFAME MY CHARACTER, YOU SPEND HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS ON RADIO ADS THAT CLAIM I'M SLOW, AND YOU'RE THE ONES WHO TAKE SIX MINUTES TO MAKE A CHICKEN SANDWICH?

AND SPEAKING OF MCFUCKNOLDS

WHAT'S WITH THE SPOONS THEY GIVE YOU FOR REGULAR SUNDAES? I'VE SEEN 14 YEAR OLD GIRLS WITH IMAGE PROBLEMS WHO ARE THICKER THAN THESE THINGS. IT'S THE ONLY THING IN THE WORLD THAT SOFT SERVE ICE CREAM CAN SNAP IN HALF

AND THOSE SPOONS THEY GIVE YOU WITH MCFLURRIES? ARE THOSE CUTLERY OR A PIECE OF A FUCKING SPACE SHUTTLE?! WHY ARE THEY HOLLOW? WHATS WITH THE GREY PLASTIC? MAYBE THE SPACE SHUTTLE COLUMBIA WOULDN'T HAVE CRASHED IF MCDONALDS WEREN'T STEALING THEIR SPARE PARTS FOR ICE CREAM SUNDAES

The new McFlurry spoon, now with mp3 player and central heating

AND HOW COME THEY GIVE YOU DICED ONION ON A CHEESEBURGER BUT AS SOON AS YOU UPGRADE TO A QUARTER POUNDER YOU GET THESE MASSIVE CHUNKS OF ONION?! WHY MAKE TWO SEPERATE KINDS OF ONION FOR NO REASON? NO WONDER YOU HAVE TO PAY YOUR EMPLOYEES $5 AN HOUR, YOU'RE THROWING MONEY AWAY ON VEGETABLE SLICERS

SIX MINUTES OF MY LIFE RONALD, SIX MINUTES OF MY LIFE WERE HAMBURGLED EARLIER TODAY, AND ONE WAY OR ANOTHER, YOU'LL PAY. IT MIGHTN'T BE TODAY, IT MIGHTN'T BE TOMORROW BECAUSE I AM BUSY, BUT EVENTUALLY, YOU'RE GOING DOWN CLOWN


YOU'RE GOING DOWN

JUST A TASTE OF WHAT'S TO COME RON

Hello I am back

Well, they blew up London again. Except this time they must have hired the management of the South Sydney Rabbitohs to organise the explosives, because they did about as much damage as someone shooting a shotgun at a tornado.


A hyuck

Whenever something like this happens, you get people complaining that the coalition's military intervention in Iraq or Afghanistan has raised the ire of terrorists who blow up a train or a bus or a building in retaliation. Or they blame Western support of Israel over Palestine, or the U.S troops stationed in Saudi Arabia, thinking that these are rational, logical explanations for teror. But they're not.

If you rationalise terrorism, if you try and find a reason why Muhammed Atta and his mates flew planes into the World Trade Center, then you're justifying it. If you say 'well, they only blew up a bus in London because Britain invaded Iraq', then you're ignoring the fact that terrorism isn't rational. You can't give it reasons, or excuses, or justifications. It's just murder, fueled by extremism.


Terrrrr is an enemy of freedom

The terrorists that attack Bali, London, Madrid, New York and Jerusalem did not martyr themselves because of U.S foreign policy. They attacked because they have been brainwashed into extremism. They attend wahabbi maddrasses in Saudi Arabia or Pakistan, where Islam is distorted into a religion of hate that not only condones terror but encourages it. They detach themselves from humanity and turn into murderers before they've even strapped the explosives on.

These people do not need excuses. They don't need reasons or justifications. The U.S, Britain and Australia could remove every single troop they have and spend 50% of their GDP on foreign aid and we would still be attacked.

There's also people that say that poverty and desperation breeds terror. They reckon that terrorist groups have most of their support amongst the poor, and that the only way to end terrorism is to end poverty. But terrorists do not always come from the poor. The poor may be the ones chanting DEATH TO AMERICA at their Poor People Rallies, but the London Bombers weren't poor. The Bali Bombers weren't poor (well, not for Indonesians). The 9/11 terrorists were middle-class, well-educated men.


Egyptian protesters wait for the release of "Pootie Tang" on DVD

Yeah, Usama is a popular fella around the people in Saudi Arabia who can't afford a meal, but their support didn't help him attack New York. Groups like Al Qaeda have extensive financial networks across the world, and all the millions of poor in the entire Arab world can't provide the money they need to plan and execute attacks.


So in summation

1. Extremism fuels terror
2. Terrorists need money
3. Bert Newton

Love,

Tommy Bin Laden

I will be leaving for a hard-earned holiday to Nelson Bay from Monday to Saturday, so this will be my last post until I return. In the meantime, here is a list of sites to browse while I am gone.

1. http://www.google.com

That is all

Well it's time for my man Dj Scotty to post another guest article because I'm spent from all those witty 24 observations. Also a big shout out to millersnose from the League Unlimited forums for giving me double digit hits on Friday. So yes. It's about Hitler. Who was right wing btw.



Does it come in a whiter white?

So I bet you are all standing around condom vending machines discussing the intricacies of 24, all the while neglecting the most important crisis that faces our planet: the return of Hitler!


Must… Destroy… Genetic Variation

No he is not living in an apartment with Elvis and Tupac; Hitler strikes at us from beyond the grave. Apparently the achievements and ambitions of Adolf Hitler have inspired subsequent generations of Nazis. In my extensive travels of the internet I found a place that surpassed all expectations of this comical topic: The Hitler Phenomenon.

“Even the enemies of Aryan mankind know that Hitler lives. If He were dead, they would not vilify and defame Him or blaspheme against His immortal name. But in their obsessive hatred, they feel His awesome presence and instinctively realize that Adolf Hitler is very much alive—that He is not yesterday’s history, but today’s good news for all Aryankind and for the entire Earth.”

It appears that during his bogus journey through the afterlife ‘He’ has also acquired the rights to capitalise references to his name, which I believe was copywrited by God in his bestselling biography ‘The Bible’. Moving back to the point…

Something never sat right in my mind when they never found Hitler’s body, and of course his ascension to legendary demi-god status is the next logical step for white supremacist thinkers everywhere. More troubling still, Hitler, unlike Che Guevara, doesn’t need an extensive product line ranging from t-shirts to coffee mugs. This threat appears to be much more dire than first anticipated.


Do you know where your daughter is?

So this whole episode started a train of thought… if Hitler can strike beyond the grave, then surely others famous figures can too! It is therefore important to avoid the following deceased, both in influential and scary transparent spectre form. The Pentagon has forwarded me the following wanted list: Stalin, Harold Holt, the Wolf Man, and the remains of the Smashing Pumpkins.

For future reference regarding Nazi fighting tactics, please consult the Indiana Jones trilogy and Wolfenstein 3D.

The 24-stravaganza continues tonight on Channel Seven, with a double episode beginning at 8:30 tonight, meaning Jack Bauer goes head to head with Dr House on Channel Ten, Horatio from CSI Miami on Channel Nine and Dateline host George Negus on SBS. All terrific fictional characters. So without further ado (indeed, even without further adon't), here is Part Two of My Guide to 24, which I will call:


PART THREE OF MY GUIDE TO 24
part two
a joint collaboration (even though I wrote most of this one) by Tommy and Matt 'DAMN IT CHLOE GET ME THE FILES!@#w' Sampson




The other major setting for 24, aside from the dark, dank offices of CTU from which no light enters nor escapes, is the office of the President. Season's One to Three of 24 followed the rise of Senator David Palmer from Presidential hopeful to President to President Who Chooses Not To Run For A Second Term Because He Tried To Cover-Up His Evil Ex-Wife's Role In The Death Of A Wealthy Campaign Contributer Who Tried To Blackmail Palmer Into Firing His Brother Who Had An Affair With Said Wealthy Campaign Contributer's Hot Trophy Wife. Pretty standard stuff really.

Over the last three seasons of 24, David Palmer has been black, divorced his scheming wife, been removed from office by his cabinet for refusing to go to war under false pretences and replaced as President by Caleb from the O.C, had his Presidency held ransom by a pooncy British terrorist, was almost assassinated three times, been the victim of a biological attack that left him with scarred hands and has been Jack Bauer's closest ally in Washington. He is also black.


David 'Black' Palmer

Although some argue that Jack Bauer was created by divine intervention, the love child of Rambo, James Bond, Batman and little-known Marvel comic book hero The Green Lantern, this is false. Jack Bauer is human. And those four characters are all male, and no matter how hard you try, guys just can't get pregnant. Trust me. Proof of Jack's humanity comes in the form of his hotty mchotty lotty fotty hotty sheisreallyprettyi'dliketoseeherti- super hotty daughter/former porn star, Kim Bauer.

Kim has been a regular visitor to my blog (and my BED HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHHAahahahhahahahahahahheylookitsattheotherendofthescreen) , however she is much more than an excuse to post pictures of Elisha Cuthbert's nipples. Indeed, Kim has been part of many awesome 24 moments, some of which have absolutely nothing to do with her nipples. Yes, Kim nipples are nippling at the nipples of some of nipples best nipples. Nipple Chase, Jack's sidenipple dated Kimnipple behind Jack's nipple, leading to some nipple between the two in Season Nipple. Though Nipple Bauer isn't a star of Season 4, she is a true 24 nipple, and her nipples will live in our nipplemory fornipple.


Quick little girl, hide in my nipples

Of course, Kim Bauer isn't the only girl in 24. There's CTU Agent Michelle Dessler, the recently deceased Sherri Palmer, and Mandy, the hot terrorist who keeps popping up. But there is also another female in 24. A female so annoying, we cannot refer to her without a swear word in the middle. Her name is...

Chloe Fucking O'Brien
a thesis by matt sampson

Chloe Fucking O'Brien is by far the worst, yet somehow enduring, addition to the CTU staff. Normally people with irritating personalities are written out of the show (Hammond, Walsh, Paula, Jamey etc.) but there's some unfathomable groundswell of support for this unfunny trollop so she's managed to hang on by the skin of her stilted and bad-acting teeth. What she does at CTU is anyone's fucking guess, but because she's obviously giving regular head to a producer, whatever computer emergency comes up, she's automatically an expert in it. Fighting viruses, positioning satellites, looking severely unattractive.


DAMN IT CHLOE GET ME THE FILES!!

Even simple shit, like listening to radio transmissions from Jack and Chase, if there's anything that requires circuit boards, suddenly she's irreplacable. There is only truly good Chloe moment in all of 24, and it came towards the end of season three, and right at the peak of my inescapable hatred for the frown-faced tart. She was persistently whining about some boring shit, like she always is, when Tony Cool-As-All-Shit Almeida turned to her and delivered the killer blow:

"Chloe, I'm getting really tired of your personality."

Damn fucking right, hobag, and every fucking other thing about you too, right down to your baby-kidnapping ways and flabby, lacklustre face. I hope you drown in a pool of your own shit.

And finally, to help new viewers, here is a list of the Top Twenty-Four Rules of 24.

1. Important stuff only ever happens at 58 past the hour.
2. Jack Bauer is always right. If you think Jack Bauer is wrong, you are wrong and should kill yourself now to save time. If you do kill yourself, ensure your suicide takes place at 58 past the hour.
3. If you work at CTU and are not a field agent, then get asked to go 'into the field', you will most certainly be shot or killed. Make sure you express your discomfort about going into the field before you leave, to add dramatic tension and sense of injustice to your inevitable death/injury.
4. By Hour 13, 24 dies in the arse. Though this is quickly remedied by about Hour 17, Hours 13-16 are the 24 equivalents of Seasons 9 onwards of The Simpsons. You still watch them because it's a good show, but it hurts to watch. On the plus side, even the worst, most poorly-written hours of 24 are still funnier than new episodes of The Simpsons.
5. Previously stated in Part One of the guide, but if you are the Head of CTU, you are DOOMED. Quit IMMEDIATELY.
6. Informants will always be shot mysteriously before they can reveal the location of the bomb/terrorist/cougar
7. If you are introduced at the start of the episode, or events take place that remind everyone how crucial you are to the running of CTU, you will inevitably be killed or disabled in the next 50 minutes.
8. If you are chasing a terrorist or terrorists and your vehicle is disabled, do not worry, for another car will be waiting nearby (often stocked with a range of weapons and ammunition). It will always be a large, black Ford.
9. If you are involved in terrorist activity and are captured by CTU, you will always be able to extort a Presidential Pardon which will be signed and delivered to you within twenty minutes, no matter how insignificant the information you barter with is.
10. If you are an unamed CTU agent, and you tag along for a dangerous mission with Jack Bauer, you will be killed, and fall within five feet of Jack, who will always be safely tucked behind a conveniently placed steel box. Jack will then kill the remaining bad guys without aiming or reloading.
11. Once you work at CTU, you will always remember every code to lock and unlock every door, and they are never changed.
12. Clearance to work on a 'provisional basis' at CTU is given out free with popcorn.
13. If you are a local cop or sheriff in 24, you have an 89% chance of not living through the hour.
14. CTU has a network of hardware suppliers whose logos are so interesting, for several seconds each hour, characters will be prone to looking at them and seeming interested, or drawing them close to their face to ensure they're in shot. Same goes for useless video-phones whose manufacturer logos are bigger than their screens.
15. If you are romantically entangled with Kim Bauer, you will receive a massive injury to a limb, typically resulting in amputation.
16. CTU only ever employs one Asian employee.
17. One of every four bad guys Jack Bauer shoots who is carrying an automatic rifle will spray it into the air as he dies.
18. If you are a member of President Palmer's staff, there is a 93% chance you will either attempt to betray him, or sleep with him.
19. Conveniently, there are several three to four minute periods in each hour where everyone involved in plots surrounding the terrorist threat will get the majority of their driving done and say absolutely nothing constructive to each other. Then, at the end of such periods, they will recap what was said before the three minute period began to someone, who will nod and have a look of concentration on their face, even though there is absolutely no new information being communicated.
20. Jack Bauer can access crucial information from any computer in the world by tapping on the keyboard with one hand.
21. The offices used by the President must always have at least four television screens mounted on the wall. At least one of them must be showing Fox News.
22. Though they are all highly trained in deception, stealth and counter-terrorism, all CTU employees do 'shifty eyes' when receiving sensitive phone calls. If they are taking a call on the ground floor of CTU, they will always glance upwards at the office of the CTU Director.
23. Although the nature of the work at CTU is intense, difficult and often life-threatening, the CTU recruitment process ensures that only the most unfit, jittery, secretly evil, personality-impaired or accident prone computer analysts will get the open positions.
24. Field agents and CTU directors are made of such high-caliber moral fiber that, no matter what the crisis - be it blowing a colleague's head off, having a friend get crushed by bomb debris, being drugged and beaten, having ankles snapped, having hearts stopped, being shot in major arteries, being addicted to a dangerous narcotic, murdering thirty people, having spouses possibly infected by deadly viruses, having children kidnapped, being brutally beaten, taking people hostage, etc. etc. - they are able to get over it almost instantly and show absolutely no ill effects apart from several hours later where they may put their heads in their hands and think about it, just so the writers can show they haven't forgotten.

The following closing line takes place from 7:49pm to 7:50pm, on July 13 2005. Events occur in real time.

Tonight on Channel Seven, at 8:30pm, a very special television show will air. Special because this show is perhaps the single greatest achievement in all mankind. Bigger than walking on the moon, bigger than Pringles, even bigger than Wrestlemania. It's called 24.

Now, 24 is in its fourth season, which means those of you who watch tonight may be a little confused. So, to make sure you understand the greatness of the best show ever, here is my guide to 24 which I will call:

My Guide to 24
part one
a joint collaboration by tommy and matt 'jack's bitch' sampson




The bulk of 24 scenes are set in the fictional Counter Terrorism Unit, or CTU. Based in Los Angeles (the only city where terrorists are in the entire world), CTU is known for its horrible lighting, staff personality disorders and constant sabotage by evil moles. When you watch 24, you'll hear CTU workers throw around words like 'protocols', 'satellite uplinks' and 'sockets'. These are passed off as intelligent computer lingo, however they are just excuses for the script writers to confuse the audience long enough for them to notice that nobody does any damn work in this place. Only people with connections to terrorists or complex social problems are allowed to work at CTU. Being the head of CTU is the most dangerous job in the entire world behind interviewing Tom Cruise. Over the past few seasons, heads of CTU have been:

• Exposed to radioactive poisoning
• Become cocaine addicts to go deep cover in a Mexican drug family
• Been murdered by one of their own agents via order of the President due to the demands of a pooncy British terrorist
• Placed in prison for treason after working with a terrorist to free their CTU-agent lover who was taken hostage and used as blackmail

CTU Los Angeles is under the juridstiction of two places called 'Division' and 'District', however these are just fancy names for 'People who tell Jack Bauer to stop doing cool stuff'.


The CTU Offices WHERE NOBODY PAYS THE LIGHTING BILL


Given the obvious dangers of the role and necessary hard-ass-ness required to take on its responsibilities, the role of CTU Head has only fallen on the toughest of men. I say men, because women, with their emotional tendancies and smaller cranium, could not possibly handle the stresses, rigors and high, glass corner offices involved in the position. In years past, there was only one head honcho. In CTU's glory days of hunting nuclear weapons and foiling international assassins, that role was filled by America's greatest ever hero, George Mason. Despite being lethally exposed to extreme levels of Uranium, throughout the last day of his life George was still the wise-cracking, scheme-hatching, witness-beating renegade he had always been, and crashed a plane into the desert with a nuclear bomb on board despite the fact he was breaking out in random, weeping sores and knowing that his death would deprive the world of 37% of its total coolness.


The greatest person in the world? Our experts say yes

After George's blaze-of-glory-and-atoms death, the CTU head job was split into two roles - Head of Operations, and Head of Field Ops. Head of Field Ops went to Tony Almeida, a CTU alumnus from all the way back in Season One whose voice has only ever raised above a whisper three times, was shot in the neck and went back to work four hours later, and was the first CTU worker to bone his hot colleague and not have anyone die because of it. But only just. Tony eventually lost his job at the end of last season for just being too cool for school. And also something about treason. He tried to explain himself, but no one could hear his manly, husky whispers.


I'm sorry Mr Almeida you'll have to speak up

The obvious person we're leaving out here is the one and only, my personal wet-dream, Jack Motherfucking Bauer. Jack was head of CTU in Season 1, left after his wife was murdered by his former lover and co-worker, came back to CTU on a provisional basis to stop a nuclear bomb and save his black friend's Presidency, then somehow worked his way back up to Head of Field Ops, then got fired again for being a junkie. But it was in the line of duty, honest. So Jack has now gone to work for the Secretary of Defence, which isn't nearly as cool because his job has the word 'Secretary' in it, but at least he gets to bone the Secretary's daughter and also walk around in hot suits all the time. But, being Jack Motherfucking Bauer, you know it's not going to be too long before he ends up at CTU again, again, and will be involved in more unlikely plot devices in the coming 24 hours.



Your eyes aren't worthy to look upon Jack Bauer

Due to the Howard Government's new Industrial Relations reforms, I am obligated by law to post Matt 'Shootz' Sampson's latest guest blog. I am, however, not obligated to film a shitty commercial where I go 'but I've been here for fifteen years?!', though I would like to and think I could really nail the role.

It's about Home and Away, there's your god damn set-up.

Closer Each Day... TO STRANGLING MYSELF
a guest blog by Shootz

Well, once again it appears I have been suckered into writing for this entertainment vacuum, pulled off the bench like Willie Mason in today’s surging victory again the bro’s from the east, the New Zealand Warriors. I’d call them chokers, but you have to actually achieve some success to choke.

Regardless, the irony is inherent, like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a free ride on a plane that’s going to win the lottery, when today I choose to write about a vapid, poor excuse for entertainment, on a website that is also a vapid, poor excuse for entertainment. I speak, of course, of the one and only ‘Home and Away’, and their fantastic and not at all eye-gougingly-bad website, http://homeandaway.com.au/.

Now, let it first be said that I did not go there entirely of my own free will, nor did I go there seeking information about the show in any way. I went there to find pictures of the apparently amazing Isabel Lucas but that’s a task that can only hold one’s interest for several seconds after a picture like this turns up in her Google Image Search. However, once I was there, I was transfixed with the idiocy that penetrates this site like Tommy wants to penetrate Ryan Cross’ eyeball.

Wow, I can't wait to play it with all my friends OH WAIT I DONT HAVE ANY FUCKING FRIENDS BECAUSE I WATCH FUCKING HOME AND AWAY

I shall now list excerpts from the site for our mutual amusement, the first coming from Isabel Lucas’ own bio:

‘Isabel and her family moved from Melbourne to live in Switzerland for a year (her mother is Swiss and she can speak Swiss) when she was 6 years old.’

OK.. OK.. so she can speak Swiss. That surprises me, seeing as there’s no such fucking language as Swiss, but it’s OK that she lied about that bit on her application as she obviously told them she could act as well, and it’s becoming more obvious that that’s horse shit too. Honestly, what sort of brain-impaired mutant-simpleton is writing this stuff? Possibly some of the show’s cast members? But the excitement continues:

‘'We found out when Home and Away rang mum on her mobile when she was driving. Mum pulled over and I then got on the phone. I was so excited and we had a big family dinner that night to celebrate,' she says.’

OH MY GOD LIKE TOTALLY NO WAY THAT’S SO AWESOME OH MY GOD OH MY GOD I THINK IM HAVING MY PERIOD. Jesus Christ, girl, wake the fuck up to yourself. You had a big family dinner? What the fuck are you, eleven? That’s the best story you can come up with? When people start to realise the human void you are, you’d better damn sure hope you’ve made enough cash to tide you over for the next thirty years because when the looks fade, the lack of talent shines through and you start being able to tie your breasts around your knees, you’d better have some superannuation stored or you’re going to go back to your old job, turning tricks with unwashed service station clerks named Abblabab.

Oh, the good old days, when it had that blonde kid in it. I hope he's fucking dead now.

Now, honestly, if you’ve been stupid enough to actually go through this site despite my advice to the contrary (stay here with me, where it’s safe and warm and I have plenty of date rape drugs), you may have noticed there are other sections than the ‘Isabel Lucas is a fucking moron’ section. But, answer me this, why is there a 'Sally's Diary' section? I know she’s been there the longest because she’s been cluey enough to realise that she will never, ever get another acting job anywhere else, but what the fuck could she possibly have to offer? ‘Dear Diary, Tonight some random guy picked me up in a bar and taped us having sex then put it on the Internet’. Or, ‘Dear Diary, My boyfriend keeps trying to hug me and misses.’ THAT’S BECAUSE CHRIS WALKER CAN’T FUCKING TACKLE, YOU WHORE.

Also, in the oh-so-informative bios, they seem to have left out some crucial information. See if you can guess where I’ve added it in...

- Summer Bay's well-known educational institution is where you can find out more about scary principal Hyde and his son Kim, as well as school bully Dalby, and is also where no one seems to fucking attend class, they all just bitch about each other at their lockers.

- The Caravan Park is run by the Sutherland and Hunter families. Beth, Robbie, Henry, Matilda and Max are here. They're all inbred sons of bitches, and the place has been going downhill ever since Pippa's nineteenth husband died in another of the fucking car crashes that seems to plague the disaster-ridden highway from Summer Bay to Yabbie Creek.

- Irene is your classic Aussie battler. Down to earth and with a wry sense of humour, she's always good for a yarn and a laugh. These two sentences have taken up this site's allowance of Australian slang terms, so don't expect to see the phrases 'dinki di', 'streuth' or even Alf's 'flamin' mongrel' anywhere else. Young or old, Irene's door is always open. And by all accounts, she's about as wide as a wizard's sleeve because of it.

- Eric Dalby is a bully and a troublemaker - and a clever one at that. This good-looking teen seems to have no respect for authority, or for the feelings of his victims. He's a badboy rebel who plays by his own rules, but he has more modelling contracts than brain cells, and was only hired because someone on the casting staff is menopausal and insane and thought she could bed him. Unfortunately he's far more interested in sleeping with the guy who plays 'Kim', because that way he can tell his gym buddies that yes, he slept with Kim last night, and as long as he steers clear of specific pronouns, he can still retain his 'cred', get 'mad props' and 'get all up in this hizzouse, bizznatches'.

In conclusion, watch Neighbours. Then you get hot ethnic chick, Bessie Bardot Wannabe and also dangerously underage chick. I’m going to jail now, aren’t I?

Well, they blew up London. I'm not going to make a long post about how terrible this whole business is because it's pretty obvious that whoever did this is a sub-human fucknut who should be forced to share a cell with the monkey from Outbreak. I will, however, continue to bitch about how the event was reported on the television, because if I can't bitch about stuff that nobody cares about, then THE TERRORISTS HAVE WON.

When news breaks, Australians turn to Channel Nine. Then they'll flick to Channel Seven to see if that hotty Chris Bath is reporting, then because they feel guilty they'll flick to the ABC. If they vote Green or don't speak English, they'll flick to the SBS to get an 'international' view of the news. And then they might flick through the Foxtel news channels if they have them, or maybe go on the internet. At no time will they ever flick to Channel Ten. Ever. Channel Ten is to news coverage what porn is to character development. Channel Ten is the person in disaster movies who knows the plane is running out of fuel but doesn't tell anyone to keep them from panicking. If Channel Ten had their way, Australia would be encased in a protective shield where we could watch Everyone Loves Raymond repeats in peace. Food would be provided by Ian Hewitson, and Moira from GMA would read us bedtime stories as Sandra Sully gave us head massages.

But try as they may with Tim Bailey's weather and Vic LaRusso's Mix 106 Traffic Chopper and their ridiculous headlines that use too much alliteration ('Next on Ten, Terrific Toddlers Test this season's Terrific new Toys') and the obvious sexual tension between Ron Wilson and Jessica Rowe, Channel Ten ain't got nothing on the undisputed leader of worldwide shitty news - FOX NEWS.



Bitching about Fox News on a blog isn't exactly groundbreaking stuff, but it's just so EVIL. Look at this, where Fox News anchor Brian Kilmeade looks at the bright side of the London underground being ripped apart by explosions:

KILMEADE: And he [British Prime Minister Tony Blair] made the statement, clearly shaken, but clearly determined. This is his second address in the last hour. First to the people of London, and now at the G8 summit, where their topic Number 1 --believe it or not-- was global warming, the second was African aid. And that was the first time since 9-11 when they should know, and they do know now, that terrorism should be Number 1. But it's important for them all to be together. I think that works to our advantage, in the Western world's advantage, for people to experience something like this together, just 500 miles from where the attacks have happened.

Or Fox News' primary anchor Brit Hume talking about the financial benefit of the stock market tumble after 60 or so people died in a series of co-ordinated attacks that crippled the capital city of America's strongest ally:

HUME: Well, maybe. The other thing is, of course, people have -- you know, the market was down. It was down yesterday, and you know, you may have had some bargain-hunting going on. I mean, my first thought when I heard -- just on a personal basis, when I heard there had been this attack and I saw the futures this morning, which were really in the tank, I thought, "Hmmm, time to buy." Others may have thought that as well. But you never know about the markets. But obviously, if the markets had behaved badly, that would obviously add to people's sense of alarm about it. But there has been a lot of reassurance coming, particularly in the way that -- partly in the way the Brits handled all this, but also in the way that officials here handled it.

Dear you Crazy Brits,

Thanks for tea, crumpets, Super Nanny and getting blown up so our stock portfolios go up.

Love, America

p.s plz send more troops preferably black

Live8, the massive global concert aimed at putting pressure on the leaders of the G8 to help end global poverty, finished this morning. Now, I don't want to sound like a hater, but 'putting pressure on the leaders of the G8' isn't going to do much to end global poverty. Two G8 leaders, Bush and Blair, ignored some of the largest global protests in the history of mankind when they invaded Iraq. People nodding along with Bob Geldolf and Bono at a rock concert, then going home three hours later, isn't exactly intense political pressure to these guys.

All Live8 does is give the G8 leaders an excuse to slap themselves on the back and win brownie points with people who hate them, because a month before Live8, they'd already written off 100% of the $40 billion in debt owed by the world's 18 poorest countries.

Don't get me wrong, Live8 was a terrific idea, and not just because it contained all the world's most annoying and preachy musicians in one place. Raising awareness is also terrific. Rich countries forgiving third world debt is even better. Leaders like Tony Blair and Gordon Brown trying to further reduce debt is even better than that, but it still doesn't do anything to fix the causes of African poverty. You could get rid of all of Africa's debt, then give them another $100 billion, and you wouldn't end poverty on the continent. You wouldn't even make a dent. Poverty is such a massive problem in Africa because some of the countries are still run by fucktard dictators who care more about their gold-plated mistresses than the babies who don't have any food, and because 1st World governments and companies have been stripping Africa dry for centuries.

So that's why I propose, rather than spending money on 30 second commercials where celebrities look at you accusingly and click their fingers, we throw around the hat and collect some money for a program I call Dead8.


An artist's impression of the Dead8 Logo if it was created by a 20 year old Media student with no prior graphic design experience

We choose 8 of Africa's most brutal dictators, then shoot them (preferably with an 8mm pistol to go along with the '8' theme - this is negotiable). Then we get their bodies, gut them, and then throw the guts on the board members of the companies like British Gas who have bought up Equitorial Guinea's natural gas production for the next seventeen years, or British Bank LIB which was caught out in a scheme to monopolise Liberia's telecommunications and diamonds. Perhaps we could make sure every bucket of dictator guts weighs 8 kilos for the '8' theme. Again this is negotiable, as guts are very hard to weigh. Perhaps if we had an industrial blender to puree the guts it would be easier to create 8 kilogram portions. I don't know, I'm not a gut scientist.


An artist's impression of a bucket of guts, don't ask me why the skeleton has hair

If you would like to contribute to Dead8 please send me lots of money and the HEAD OF BONO